Irulan
by Darma Druid
Summary: Irulan is an unusual princess born in unusual times. Her unusualness will change Middle Earth and, starting with a certain elf, the hearts of many forever
1. Default Chapter

  
  
  
  
13 years ago in a world far far away.  
  
  
  
"... and so the beautiful Prince had saved the day once more. The Princess was more than impressed - her heart was beating with pure love for this man who had killed the evil fire-breathing dragon and saved her from certain death! She took his hand and together they walked towards the dawning day.........which would be the first day of their remaining happy and glorious days.........forever".  
  
The silence in the room seemed to stretch on and on. It was as if a spell hung in the very air that none dared to break. Queen Amargath, having finished reading the tale, slowly closed the book and looked at the dreamy and beautiful faces of her three little daughters. By the looks of it, they were all imagining the rising golden sun and the pair walking towards it, hand in hand. She sighed slightly. A timeless story.........she could almost remember how, when she was 8 herself, her own mother had read it to her and how it had stirred her heart.  
  
"What a darn stupid story!" Lady Amargath almost jumped at the interruption of her thoughts. She took a deep breath and slowly shook her head, pinching the bridge of her nose.  
  
"It is not! It is sooo beautiful mama!" chirped another (and FAR sweeter) voice. 

"Yes my sweet Analia. I think so too, dear."  
  
"It is too! That Princess is just plain stupid! Doing nothing but getting herself saved all the time!" said Irulan even louder this time. She had a very annoyed expression on her young face. Amargath was starting to think that the very expression would be printed on her youngest daughter's face forever.  
  
"That's enough Irulan! You are obviously missing the point......... again!" she said slowly and tried really hard not to hiss during the process. It was not becoming of a queen, after all.  
  
"Very truly so, dear mother," added her oldest daughter Enaia. She was only 9 but Amargath could already see herself in Enaia. She smiled inwardly - Enaia would someday make a very good queen indeed. Now as to Irulan.........  
  
"You read it every year. And every year you say I do not understand. What is there to understand? It still sounds very stupid to me!" Irulan was whining now. Both her sisters were giving her sour looks, but she was so caught up in her chanting, she did not notice. "And did I say boring? It certainly is! I like the other one.......about the raiding dwarves and how they cleaned the mines from all the evil orcs....."  
  
"That's enough Irulan!" interrupted Amargath. This time she actually DID hiss saying it. She scolded herself immediately for doing so and slowly moved towards the bed of her youngest daughter. She held Irulan's confused and somewhat irritated face between her soft hands and kissed her forehead  
  
"I hope you will understand it some day Irulan, I really do. Maybe next year. Now sleep.....all of you. It is quite late. Stampa!"  
  
A chubby woman entered the room. She was breathing heavily and her face was all red. But then, Stampa always managed to look like she was interrupted from a race. "Stampa," said the Queen, "please tuck my daughters in and make sure they sleep early today." She gracefully walked towards the chamber door and turned to look one last time.  
  
"Good night my beautiful girls. May you have good dreams!" Then she exited the room and dared a sigh of relief. As she began to walk down the half-lit stone corridor, she could hear Stampa's exciting voice, trying to tuck in the little mischiefs. She made a mental note of telling Stampa not to read those dreadful violent stories again to the children. Enaia and Analia seemed to be rather scared by them. Irulan, on the other hand, had learned reading and writing at a very early age just to sneak into the library and look up stories like that herself. "She will understand next year, I'm sure," she murmured to herself "too young is what she is................"  
  
  
  
But Irulan never understood. Not the following year, or the year following that and not for all the years after that. For she was a rather unusual girl born in unusual times and although nobody could have guessed it yet, she would leave her imprint on many hearts and shape the destiny of many in her years yet to come.

***

DISCLAIMER: Obvious to say that I do not own neither Legolas, nor any other of the LOTR characters, places or objects that belong to Master J.R.R. Tolkien alone. I certainly do also not own the movie on which this story is mainly based on. This is pure fiction....... or so I hope.  
  
I want to take this chance to thank everyone who actually sat down and wrote me a review on this story so far. It does feel very much like walking in the dark without them! And thank you for all the criticism as well - I do not mind at all! I am a work in progress and this is my first fan fiction, so I am not going to fool myself in believing that I am doing a marvelous job!  
  
As to some of the problems brought to my attention:  
  
I was told that the story did not sound like a LOTR story. Actually I am not so sure if it is one, myself. Irulan will join the fellowship in the upcoming chapters, true, but my intention for this ff was from the very beginning to write a story about Irulan, the girl who was different from all the other "fair" and "graceful" females running around in Middle Earth. Tolkien obviously wrote extensively about the Fellowship and Middle Earth a long time ago and I doubt that anyone will make a better job of it (though considering some stories on the net, I am inclined to believe otherwise) So I do no wish to copy his art. Irulan will remain in the center of it. Sorry about that.  
  
Another problem -though not pointed out to me too often yet, but one that I always wanted to address- is the "changes" I made on the original material. I obviously invented a kingdom for Irulan, and made up the various "houses" that are similar to lords or counts in my imagination. Also, every now and then I will most probably have to make further changes, but that seems inevitable to me. Besides, I get to be God, damn it, I might as well be allowed to make a few minor (!) changes.  
  
Thirdly, I know the first 13 chapters or so are mainly about Irulan and seemed completely unrelated to LOTR (see paragraph above), but even though it seems like an awfully long introduction, I could not skip these chapters in fear that it would make the heroine of the story too two-dimensional. For those who only want the Felloship-related parts, go ahead and just read on from chapter 14 onward, but I must say that I wrote the other 13 for a reason and I intend to refer to them often enough.  
  
As to Irulan being a Mary Sue.. Yes, I think she really is! I wanted her to be an "anti" to the female gender in Tolkien's world and if that is a mary sue, so be it. But I have to point out - so are Arwen, Aragorn, Legolas, Eowyn, Gandalf and all the other characters that just simply seem to be too perfect to be true. Middle Earth, I think, pretty much consists of "mary sue"s except for Sauron, Wormtongue and Saruman. And even those are perfect villains. So, sorry really, but there's not too much I want to change in that department. The truth of the matter is that she begins more like one, but then becomes more complicated in time and certainly far more than a mere Mary-Sue. 

If you have the patience do go that far.   
  
Thanks again for all the support and criticism.  
  
  
  
***


	2. A Princess in Distress

"Princess Irulan!" echoed a scream in the great audition chamber of the king, "Princess! Please, it is high time that you get ready!"  
  
Stampa was all panic now. The guests were already arriving, and she had zillion other things to do and that devil of a girl was missing again! She halted and leaned on the wall. Her heart was beating like a wild boar on the run. "I am getting too old for this" she thought "this girl will be the end of me!"  
  
"Princess Irulan! Please princess" she tried again. "Your father will be very angry with you!"  
  
"I believe that is not as scary as it used to be, Stampa" a voice said right behind her. Stampa jumped and hastily turned. She would have knocked the princess over if the other had not gracefully moved a step back. "Princess! I have been looking everywhere for you!"  
  
Although she was 20 years old now Irulan's face still had the girlish features of her youth. Her waist long her dark brown hair, brown eyes and olive complexion were rare among her own people. Indeed, both her sisters and her father were of fairer complexion and though her mother shared the same dark brown and wavy hair, she was bestowed with startling green eyes and a lighter shade of skin.  
  
These features along with Irulan's rather unusual lack of interest in any romantic affairs had made her a girl sought after by many princes and the young men of the various houses. Irulan was beautiful, true, but not strikingly so. And yet the sheer fact that she cared not about it made her very attractive to many. She was even too slim and athletic for a beautiful woman. Women were considered beautiful when they were a bit rounder around the curves and when their feminine statue was obvious.  
  
She did not care about the effect she had on others too much, though. She was and always had been far too curious both for her kind and her gender, and she did not find many to still this curiosity. Middle Earth, though yet unknown, was about to witness very grave yet unique events and it was still filled with many wonders such as dragons, giant spiders, orcs, dwarves, elves and hobbits - many of which were so long not heard of, that they only existed in story books now. Nevertheless, story book or not, Irulan was more taken by these myths and legends than she was with the real life that she found rather repetitive and dull - especially for a woman and more so for a princess.  
  
She had friends, true, and some of those were also from higher circles. Yet her enthusiasm for life and the world beyond her kingdom was not shared by too many and she often found herself alone in the library, reading till late hours, trying to visualize the events and places she read about. Her family had always tried to bend her character towards more approved interests and often enough she was compared to her older sisters, who seemed to fit the standards just well enough. Yet the more she was tried to bent, the more Irulan found the strength and need to resist and remain forever different.  
  
Eventually everyone gave up and just pretended to overlook some of her lesser drastic acts. They came to an unspoken agreement among themselves, according to which Irulan tried to accomplish the formal requirements expected from a princess as best as she could, and in turn everyone turned -or tried to turn- a blind eye to some of her intimidating and odd hobbies. Many guessed that she was probably up to much more than she revealed, but they dared not dig too deep in fear of what they might stumble upon and simply hoped that she grew out of it some day.  
  
Irulan eyed Stampa with amusement. "You know" she said slowly "you don't need to scream anymore. I believe I can hear you just fine".  
  
Stampa took two deep breaths and tried to calm herself. "Irulan. You will be the very end of me, I swear! The guests are arriving already and you are still..." she looked the princess up and down and her eyes widened when she realized that Irulan was dressed in cheap brown trousers and a light blue shirt half hanging over them right here in the palace where anyone could walk by and see her!  
  
"What is the matter with you? Quick" She grabbed Irulan's arm and started hastily walking towards the northern part of the castle. "You walk around in that outfit and you know that your father almost died when he saw you like that last time!"  
  
"Yes, yes..." sighed Irulan, "I know. Looks like I'm going to be the end of a lot of people indeed!"  
  
Stampa was walking faster now... the corridors were becoming more and more crowded, but everyone was so busy running around and finishing the preparations for the guests, they hardly looked at the two women walking by. "You promised not to wear it again!" she hissed.  
  
"No" said Irulan. She was trying to keep pace with Stampa but in moments like this Stampa had the curious gift of moving faster than anyone she knew - not to mention beyond any limitation that her age and her weight (Stampa was quite heavy) would normally allow. "I promised that he would never see me in these clothes again. And to that promise I hold"  
  
They had arrived at Irulan's door. Stampa quickly took a look inside and then hastily dragged Irulan in after her. Only after she had closed and barred the door did she allow herself to slow down her pace. "I should step on your little snake head right now, but I guess it will be wiser to let your husband do that!" There! She knew that she had hit bulls eye; for if Irulan hated anything more than obeying rules, it was the talk about marriage and the tasks of a good wife. Stampa could swear that her face literally darkened.  
  
Irulan hid her fists behind her back. She did not want to give Stampa the satisfaction of actually enraging her. Without being aware of it, she pushed her chin up and threw back her hair. "I guess I shall get ready now" her voice was a cool as ice "or a certain SOMEONE is going to explain our precious guests that the little venomous snake is unable to attend today!"  
  
She turned swiftly, before Stampa could find an answer and starting undressing. Darn feast! Of all days, it had to be today! Just when the Obnox races were coming to an end for the season! "Well... we surely accomplished harder tasks now, did we not?" she thought to herself, "a little party can not really be that hard to escape from" 


	3. Crossing of Paths

The "little feast" was not little at all. And as soon as she walked in, Irulan knew that avoiding this one was not to be one of the easiest tasks she had anointed herself. The grand hall was already packed and crowded, but it seemed like more and more were arriving by the minute. This year would outshine all the past years for sure!  
  
Irulan halted and took in the view - she could make out most of the common dresses of the various "houses" that had political or regional power in Middle Earth. Black, red, silver, blue and green - all the colors were in abundance tonight. The men were dressed quite brightly and the woman shone like flickering candles in their attires. She had met many from almost all of these houses over the past years in this or that occasion and frankly, knowing their political status and background well enough, she had no further interest in any of them.  
  
Her eyes tried to locate the visitors she was looking forward to see tonight - the elves. She had met elves before, but never got the opportunity to talk to them in length. The elven race seemed so different from men and though many things failed to do so, they fascinated her and held her curiosity. She knew that elves from the neighboring woods of Mirkwood were invited today and having read a lot about them, she had not yet met a Mirkwood elf. They were known as fierce warriors, very deadly with the bow. She was looking forward to seeing some in action, since probably tomorrow they would grant their hosts with a little demonstration of their skills.  
  
She caught sight of her father at the end of the hall and decided to join him. 'Have to show myself to prove that I was here,' she thought, 'maybe he'll forget about me the easier in this tumult later on.' She was walking toward him through the crowd when she literally bumped into someone and the only thing that saved her from falling over backwards was the table she hit.  
  
"Oh dear, I am so sorry," exclaimed an all too familiar greasy voice. Irulan bit her tongue, "Damn!" she thought, "Not him!" She looked up and to her utter distaste it was indeed Endor, son of Elbroth, the head of House Tragath. Endor was the last person she wanted to meet today. They knew each other since they were both little children, but he decided to chase her in a more disturbing and particular manner since she was 12 and although her rejections had grown bolder by the year (she got a rather long house arrest from her horrified parents for stomping on his feet and literally smashing them two years ago) he only seemed more intrigued by them. Dashingly handsome with clear blue eyes, dark brown hair and a beard to match it, Endor was the dream of many girls. You could hear sighs erupting everywhere he went and even her two older sisters seemed to be besotted with his ways. He was a smooth talker and a very well known warrior. And yet, Irulan hated him fiercely.  
  
"Princess Irulan!" he said softly and bowed. "I was hoping to see you tonight!"  
  
"I bet you did Endor," Irulan said in a level tone, "but you did not need to run me over to catch my attention." She smoothed her skirts and looked at him with a very irritated look on her face.  
  
Endor chuckled slightly "Oh please - that thought never crossed my mind! It was a mere accident, and yet a rather pleasant one," he said and then winked. "I can not deny that your attention is not easy to get."  
  
Irulan took a deep breath and counted till ten. He actually dared to wink and flirt with her in front of this crowd! Already many heads were turning to see what Endor was up to and she caught the familiar smile on faces that said "Let's see what she will do with him this time! It should be fun."  
  
Irulan had no intention of being the source of another avalanche of gossip concerning herself and Endor. She looked up to him and briskly said "Indeed - this seems to be one of the rare times you are right, Lord Endor. My attention is not easy to get and tonight even more so. I have other matters to attend to." Irulan tried not to feel annoyed or demoralized by the amused look plastered on Endor's handsome face and that simply refused to change. "Please excuse me now," she blurted and lifted her skirts to walk by him when got hold of her arm.  
  
"Irulan......" he said with a softer tone, "I was hoping to talk to you later tonight. After the meal, perhaps?"  
  
Irulan slowly freed her arm from his grasp. She was feeling more and more annoyed by his bold actions that caused brows to arch. Why oh why did she have to go and in all this crowd, run into the very person she hated most? "I would love to indeed," she hissed between her clenched teeth, "but....." and without thinking twice she instantly reached out and placed her hand on the shoulder of the passing blur of a figure. The person halted and Irulan hoped by whatever luck she had that that it was a guest......and a male one at that! She dared not look his direction, fearing that it might give her bluff away, but from his height and posture, she guessed him to be a man. Resisting the urge to exhale loudly in relief she added joyfully "I have promises for another today."  
  
Endor's amusement finally melted and an expression that spoke of both surprise and mild anger took hold of his features. Pursing his lips, he shot a very unwelcome look towards the stranger and his gaze wandered from Irulan's hand still resting on the man's shoulder to Irulan's face. After a few seconds of silence he muttered "I have a lot of time princess, I'm sure that we will come to terms eventually."  
  
With that he made a slight bow, turned on his heels and walked away with long and fast strides. Irulan rolled her eyes at the women whose gaze followed him. "I wish one of them would finally get her hooks into him anytime soon," she thought. The bystanders quickly paced away from the scene as well and the tense atmosphere dissolved soon enough. All of a sudden she remembered the person who was still standing silently and patiently next to her. She put a gracious and very "princess" smile on her face and turned to the man.  
  
Only it was not a man. It was an elf. And the most beautiful one she had ever seen, as well. His long and straight blonde hair, the front part of which was held with an intricate braid in the back, hung smoothly down to his shoulders. He had high cheekbones and the most delicate and yet obviously male features. A small smile was widening his perfect lips. Irulan realized that she was staring and quickly snatched her hand from his shoulder.  
  
"My lady," he said with a melodious voice and bowed slightly. Irulan felt an odd feeling washing over her, then. She did not linger on it too long, as other and more flaring feelings took hold of her in seconds, but later on she would remember the moment her eyes met with this elf and the feeling of familiarity along with an unexplainable excitement bloomed in her, like a flower gently opening it's petals. It was only for a moment, and that moment slipped from her grasp instantly, and yet her memory would go back to it and much, much later Irulan would realize that what she believed to be an event of utter coincidence and accident was actually a moment of fate and serendipity.  
  
Irulan blinked and immediately closed her mouth. "I........I am sorry," she stammered. She was well aware that she was blushing and yet, having come face to face in such a fashion with someone she meant to meet for such a long time, she could not pull herself together. "I thought......." she began but the words died in her throat.  
  
The elf was smiling very openly now. "Please allow me an introduction. I am Legolas, son of Thandruil," he said softly. Irulan hastily stepped back and bowed slightly herself. "Irulan," she whispered, "daughter of Kanduin."  
  
Legolas' brows arched slightly. "Princess Irulan herself!" he said, "I am honored to meet you."  
  
Irulan blushed even deeper and started to feel angry with herself for blushing like a stupid infatuated girl instead of the royalty she was supposed to be. 'Nice start indeed!' snickered a voice in her head. 'An invaluable way to prove your grace and glamour to the elven society, Irulan.' Irulan felt that she should say something at least slightly intelligent to bring some explanation to some of the unspoken questions hanging between them, but under the gaze of such a creature, found it difficult to concentrate. Again and again her eyes wandered over him, finding only grace and beauty and again and again she barely resisted the urge to openly and greedily stare at the rare and unusual sight.  
  
"The honor is all mine," she heard herself saying finally, "please forgive my behavior just now. I was....forced to..use your presence. It was very inappropriate. I apologize." She looked up to his face, not knowing what she would find there, but the cool amusement was certainly unexpected.  
  
"Not at all," he said slowly and after looking in the direction Endor walked off to just moments ago he added "I am glad that I could be of assistance. You certainly looked.........displeased." Legolas smiled at her with a warm expression and she could have sworn that something in her trembled and began to melt at that. And although this was a completely foreign emotion for her, oddly she felt the faintest stirrings of relief and comfort slowly following it. The kind of comfort that one feels in the presence of an old and trusted friend.  
  
Legolas slightly cocked his head and clasping his hands behind his back, looked her up and down. He did not make an attempt to break the silence that seemed to find it's way between them even though both had tried to hinder it. The slightest frown settled on his features and a distant glaze came to his eyes as he looked at this mortal woman before him. He, too, felt a distant and fuzzy emotion of familiarity and he too could not place it. Why did she remind him of....of...his frown deepened more. She reminded him of someone, and yet he knew not who. It was not a friend. Not a relative by blood. Not a fellow warrior. More like..  
  
"Why do you stare?" Irulan said suddenly, disrupting his train of thought. Then she blinked, looking startled to have said it and Legolas barely kept himself from grinning openly when she managed a rather loud and un-princess- like gulp. No she DID not just say that! That was so not how she wanted the elves to remember her, if they ever did. A feeling of dread shook her as the realization of her immensely rude comment towards the guest of honor that also happened to be an elf, sank in. She desperately tried to think of something to make up for her breach of manners, but absolutely nothing even remotely resembling such a statement came to her mind. Finally, not wishing for the awkward silence to stretch on any longer, she abruptly added "Please excuse me now," and quickly turned away before an even deeper shade of crimson hit her cheeks. 'So much for being a princess! That accursed Endor! It's all his fault!' the voice in her head screamed while she stomped off hastily to get as far away from the scene of embarrassment as possible.  
  
Legolas stood staring after her. He was still smiling slightly. It was intriguing to see the emotions of humans reflected so openly in their faces. Contrary to elves, their emotions were very obvious - one only needed to look to see it. And the depth and strength of those feelings! He chuckled slightly. He had met many humans and although his experiences with many of those had been rather unpleasant, the character that was a result of the inexperience and youth (compared to elven immortality) of this kind was still very interesting to him. It would be an interesting night indeed! 


	4. Open Up Ground and Devour Me

The hour was growing late indeed and all Irulan could think of was the Obnox race. She was sitting in her chair as erect and as graceful as possible and trying to put up a smiling face. But as the hours passed, she was growing more and more tired of the chit chat going on all around her and even the rare wine served splendidly tasted sour tonight. She took another little sip and sighed again. "I still have time... I can make it if I sneak out now" she thought. She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Enaia above her. "How are you doing Irulan? You look wonderful tonight!" Irulan was glad to finally getting a chance to talk to someone sane in this crowd. "How do you think I am doing" she hissed between clenched teeth and smiled deeply "I will die very soon of boredom!" she added melodiously. Enaia chuckled and bend deeper to make sure that nobody else heard her "Endor is desperately trying to catch your eye, I see" she said. Irulan turned to sneak a look in his direction. He was seated rather farther away on the table, close to her father, heartily talking to someone across him that Irulan could not see from her angle. Just when she was turning away her eyes met with the deep blue eyes of Legolas, who was sitting a few chairs further down from Endor, closer to her father. He smiled and bowed his head slightly. Irulan quickly turned away and prayed not to blush again. "Damn! He must think that I am such a fool!" she said angrily.  
  
"Ah I think he adores you too much to think that" said Enaia.  
  
"Not him! Him!" whispered Irulan, "the elf. Don't look Enaia. I have made myself a fool enough".  
  
Enaia seemed tempted. "Which one?" she asked curiously and bent even lower towards her sister. "The blonde one" said Irulan and then, remembering that a great deal of the elves present that night were blonde, added "sitting between Amen and Rbis.  
  
Enaia sighed slightly and pretended to pick up lint from Irulan's shoulder. She deftly looked towards his direction while patting her sister's shoulder. Irulan had to admit that her sister was getting better every day in this art of looking-without-betraying-oneself. "I really need to learn to do that!" she thought. Prince Legolas was not hard to pick out. He was a dashing beauty among men -especially the two he was sitting between- and he was patiently listening to a conversation going on between Rbis, the man on his left and another seated next to Rbis. "Oh... you met him?" Enaia said in a causal as possible tone.  
  
"I guess you could say that" sighed Irulan. She took another sip from her goblet. "I will not bore you with the embarrassing details though".  
  
Enaia chuckled and bend over towards Irulan's ear again "I know your rather infamous encounters with important people all too well sister. But I have to say, you never repeat yourself in these dashing performances. Every story I hear is harder to believe than the previous one!"  
  
"Believe me, I am beginning to surprise even myself with my performance" said Irulan before she took another gulp from the wine. "I think he is from Mirkwood" Enaia laughed softly. "Oh yes, indeed. He is from Mirkwood, all right. My dear sister, Legolas happens to be the very prince of Mirkwood himself". With that she stood upright and slowly walked away.  
  
"Open up ground and just bloody devour me!" Irulan whispered and not caring what the people would think, loudly slapped herself on the forehead. 


	5. Off to the Game

Irulan was hastily walking down the dim stone corridor. Her sky blue dress was swishing and trailing behind her. Guards were standing stonily with regular intervals and although they did not move a hair, she could feel them watching her walking by. She resisted the impulse to run, though. Always better not to draw too much attention. She moved her chin a bit higher and tried to look as determined and royal as possible. Not that anyone would dare to stop her and ask questions, but she did not want anybody's mind to linger for too long on the issue why the princess herself was here when the party was yet so young.  
  
Upon arriving at her chamber a few minutes later she cast a last glance towards the corridor and let herself in. She quickly barred the door and exhaled loudly. "Finally!" she murmured, "I thought I would really have to stay there all bloody night!" Fortunately they had decided to move the party outside sooner, to catch the beautiful view of the full moon and the star scattered night sky. The guests would be strolling in one of the infamous vast gardens of the castle, sipping their drinks and listening to the most talented musicians playing softly in the farther end of the garden wall. And of course no better opportunity to get lost than that!  
  
Irulan quickly discarded her gown and started to dress up for the occasion. She put on her trousers and her soft boots, her leather vest and on top of that a loose shirt. She braided her hair and tucked it underneath the piece of cloth she used to make herself a turban. Irulan unbarred the door to her chamber and hid her gown in one of the many chests in the room. She moved to the window and carefully looked out. She could hear the faint music from the party that was held in the garden close by. Fortunately her window did not oversee that particular garden. Then she used the lose end of her turban to veil her face loosely. She looked and checked herself in the mirror. The costume was obviously a local outfit for an average male - minus the head piece and veil. However, veiling your face was not as uncommon here as in many other countries.  
  
She grasped one of the thicker branches of the vine that was surrounding her window and pulled herself out. She had climbed this vine up and down so many times, she needed neither light nor to look. Her feet touched the ground in a few seconds. She quickly glanced around and making almost no sound at all advanced to the corner of the wall. She looked carefully around. The guards were walking back and fro about a hundred feet away from her. She waited until they faced each other and then quickly sneaked to the outer wall of the castle that was lying across her. The castle walls were all hidden behind a dense array of bushes and trees. It was a little wood that got thicker one got to the wall and looking from a distance, it helped the eye and the mind to believe that there were no walls at all, and that the castle was merged with the thick woods that lay around it. Moving along this path now, she quickly found the spot she was looking for. She removed the loose bush and ducked in, placed the bush back and then carefully looked out the other side of the wall.  
  
The city was as bright as ever. Thick candles and torches lined up the street, hovering above the ground and flickering in the breeze. A usual crowd was walking up and down the broad street that ran along the castle wall. The street was packed with wooden buildings that served as stores for anything from the most common to the least imaginable. The castle was built on a steep hill with the city around it. Therefore, her hole in the castle wall was just located at the back of the second store of such a shack. It had been empty for years now, rather a storehouse for old and rusted farming equipment. It was farther back from the street and nobody visited it. She quickly walked out and towards the street. Soon she was walking among the local crowd towards the race ground, smiling happily underneath her veil.  
  
Legolas was confused to say the least. This was strange indeed. His elven eyes could see very well in the dark, so he knew that it was indeed Princess Irulan who just had walked out of the castle, but he was confused about her reasons nevertheless. He had decided to walk off from the crowd a little bit to enjoy the warm summer night in one of the many gardens of the palace that were silent and dark now when he saw her face up on the window. It was distinctively her face, and yet she was dressed in a rather unusual fashion. He was glad to see her. She seemed very forthcoming and true in character. It was his observation that -especially in royal circles- pretense was even more common than usual in the world of men. Yet Princess Irulan seemed to be someone who felt no need for pretense. He had watched her on the dinner table and she seemed rather bored and lost. He would have joined her at her side to talk then, but as honor guest of King Kanduin himself, he was forced to remain in his seat and attend the conversation. He thought about showing himself now and inviting her down for a conversation when she veiled her face and started to climb down the vine that reached to her window.  
  
Then Legolas felt something very strange (strange, for he had not felt a similar feeling for a very very long time). His intrigue faded into what men call surprise. Little did he know that he, along with every other person who shared a piece of Irulan's life, would be feeling it more and more as he remained close to her. Surprise was Irulan's very skin, her aura. Like a candle, unaware of its own light, she was shining brightly. It just needed the right eye to see.  
  
So he did not hesitate in following her. She was walking among the crowd on one of the main streets and he fell in behind her, always keeping a safe distance, although he knew that she could not pick him out on such a crowded street. Besides, she seemed to be sure that she was not followed and was not looking around. He was aware that he was drawing a bit more than usual attention to himself because of his elven appearance, and yet the locals knew that elves had been invited to the castle today, so his presence in the city was only perceived as a curious surprise. The people usually cast a glance at him and then quickly moved out of his way. So he had no difficulty in pursuing the strange girl who was swiftly walking farther away from the castle. 


	6. A Good Night After All

Irulan walked proudly away from the racing grounds. She was holding the little bag full with gold coins close by, in case anyone would follow her out from the racing ground to steal it. Robberies like this were actually quite usual in this district of the town and this time of the night, but Irulan had similar encounters before and bashed enough skulls to discourage any further attempts. And yet she needed to get rid of it as fast as possible if she meant to get back to the castle before dawn. She tenderly pressed her hand on her left side and felt the puffy flesh there. A lightning of pain shot up immediately and she hissed. She had taken a rather nasty blow on that side and had fallen off the horse during the race.  
  
The Obnox race was a rather brutal entertainment and such injuries were among the lighter ones - the races seldom ended without the death of at least one and customarily many more practitioners. Yet Irulan was a regular winner and she carefully avoided being hurt, since it was rather difficult to explain about the wound the next day in the palace. She literally had to throw herself down a flight of stairs a couple of times the following morning just because the failed to cover her wounds and could find no reasonable explanation for them. Fortunately this one was neither too bad and nor anywhere where she could not cover it. She just had to remember not to wince every time she bowed or sat down.  
  
An Obnox race was mainly a bunch of crazy men on horses trying to snatch a sack filled with stones from each other and having the freedom to do anything during the process. The last man standing on his horse was the winner. Clubbing, kicking, biting, hitting, hair pulling etc was all game (most performed with said sack itself) and fallen riders were not even removed from the race area, so even if they did not wind up too badly hurt when they fell, they usually were stamped on too many times and broke quite a bit of bones if they remained too long on the ground. Irulan had become famous as the strange rider who managed to win over and over again. She smiled to herself - this part of the night had certainly made her forget about the rather distasteful events from previous. She sighed softly "It is a good night after all!"  
  
After a long walk through dark alleys and narrow streets she arrived at a rather large building and started beating on the wooden door. "Who is it at this accursed hour!" ringed the voice of a man from inside. "Open up old man!" she yelled back as deeply as possible. After a few hustling footsteps the door opened a crack and a pair of suspicious eyes looked out. "It's you!" the fat man said and opened the door even further. Irulan nodded in agreement and slowly took out the bag of coins. "I have another deliverance".  
  
The man moved out. He had a candle in his hand. His white hair had mostly fallen out. He was in his nightshirts and had a very tattered look about him. Yet Irulan knew him since her childhood. Acting as some sort of mayor of the city, he was true of heart and word and loyal to his king and his people. He knew everything going on in the city and every citizen in need. Irulan had discovered a long time ago that she could find the money this or that way easily enough, but had no idea where to begin when the issue was spending it for help. Harkey, on the other hand, knew exactly what to do with it, but had no sources to do it. They were a perfect couple.  
  
He looked around slowly and after having fixed his gaze on Irulan again, took the bag from her. "I assume you won again" he said eyeing her up and down. "You know you really need to stop doing this". He weighed the bag tentatively in his hand. Irulan removed her veil and smiled up to him. "Ah, but whom would I have to beat up to release all this energy, my dear friend?" she said.  
  
The old man sighed, stuffed the bag into one of the pockets of his nightshirt and scratched his bold head. "Irulan, what are you doing out there, killing yourself on a dusty field while your father is throwing the most important party of the year?". Irulan rolled her eyes. "Ah please Harkey, I WAS at the party. And frankly if I had to choose between dying during an obnox game or from boredom at a party, I would not hesitate to choose the former".  
  
"Some day you will be caught and then you will lose whatever freedom you have"  
  
"Ah well, that will only be another addition to a long list now, won't it?" Irulan patted the old man slightly on the shoulder and added "You know to whom to give it out to... to anyone who needs it, as usual. But please keep a few for the Gordimers. Their oldest daughter is getting married this Sunday and I know that they did not have enough to throw a decent wedding. Let it be my gift to her".  
  
Harkey was scratching his ears now "Sure will, princess. I take it that you will attend?"  
  
"Sure" said Irulan, "my father will be out hunting as usual, I will come by".  
  
"Say, when are you getting married yourself?" said Harkey slyly, "any nice fellows on that party tonight?"  
  
Irulan's eyes became two small slits. She took a step back and started to veil herself "See, that's why one can never talk to you too long. You get annoying and cruel after three sentences".  
  
Harkey put up an innocent face, "Why my lady, I was only hoping that you will find your heart's true mate"  
  
"Yeah yeah..." murmured Irulan from underneath her veil, "and that I have a child every year and cover all the walls of my castle with needlework that depicts the heroic deeds of my dear husband, I know" she said ruefully.  
  
"Ah surely even you must feel need for a man, now" he pressed on, to her obvious displeasure. "Although what kind of man in his right mind would have you, that I do not know!" he muttered under his breath.  
  
"I heard that Harkey" Irulan said with a tired sigh.  
  
"Just testing if you are still sharp, princess" grinned Harkey brightly.  
  
Irulan seemed to consider saying something else, but then shook her head and simply stated "I'll see you on Sunday" and jogged away quickly.  
  
Legolas' sensitive ears had heard every word of the conversation. He waited for the old man to recede back inside and then started to run after Irulan. His curiosity seemed to be growing with every hour. He was more than surprised to see her skill on the race field and quickly found that she did not need his aid to intervene. So he had stood a bit further apart and watched her beating her way to victory. Her movements were graceful and deadly and it was easy to see that she was taught the art of combat. Yet by whom, he wondered. He knew that mortal women were not taught these skills and took no part in battle. He forgot himself when he saw her taking a blow to her side and falling of the horse and cut his way through the crowd to help her up. But when he reached the edge of the racing grounds she was back up on her horse again and Legolas had quickly receded once again to the rear ranks, in fear that she would spot him. Now as he was following this strange woman back to the castle, he felt a childish excitement and curiosity that he had not felt for some hundreds of years. He was upon an unusual case and nothing could stop him from further digging it up. 


	7. Someone You Bump Into Every Day

"How can ANYONE walk in these dresses and not get them dirty?" protested Irulan. She was standing in the middle of her room in her white and silver gown. Very tiny red and yellow flowers were sprinkled on the smooth and bright fabric. In accordance with the dresses of her kingdom, the upper half of the gown was clinging to her body while the dress smoothly and gently flowed out from her hip. The intricate braid of her dark wavy hair was hanging down to her waist.  
  
"Well ask ANYONE else in the kingdom your highness" hissed Stampa from below, "because EVERYONE else seems to know the trick!" She was kneeling by Irulan, desperately trying to clean the dirty stains on the bottom of the skirt. "I have no idea how you do it Irulan. this looks like you actually stepped into a more than shallow puddle of mud!" she exclaimed and finally stood up. Irulan looked down. "Well.. if only, it looks worse than before" she said. The brown smudge was quite visible now.  
  
"I can not wash it just now, can I?" Stampa said. "Maybe it'll suit you just fine to walk out in front of all the honored guests like that" she added slyly. "That'll teach you to think about where you are stepping the next time". Irulan stuck out her tongue. She took a look in the mirror. "Looks fine to me. I am sure every woman out there will pretty much look like this soon anyway. That garden is rather muddy". She seriously doubted it though. Women seemed to have an unknown skill for avoiding dirt. "You know Stampa, you can be trained in the most deathly arts, but I find running around in a dress like this a harder challenge than any battle!"  
  
"Speaking of battle and all other nonsense that usually flies around in that pretty head of yours" Stampa said, "I suggest that you be careful about that swelling flesh on your ribs. It is taking a nasty color and might hurt more now that the dress is clinging to your body so tightly".  
  
Irulan tried to bend over slightly and gasped when she realized the pain that erupted from her left side. It was indeed becoming more painful now. Stampa was watching her. "I can't help but wonder if I dropped you on your head or something when you were a baby, Irulan. I can only hope that I did not play part in this tragedy!"  
  
Irulan grinned to her. "If anything, you probably did it on purpose Stampa!" She ran over to the plumb woman who was rolling her eyes now "And I am greatly in debt for it!" Irulan kissed her on the cheek and quickly dashed out the room.  
  
She would not miss the demonstration of the elves for anything in this world! Maybe Legolas too will throw an arrow or two, she thought and then abruptly halted. Princess Irulan! You better learn to control those thoughts! she scolded herself inwardly. She decided to slow her pace. After all, a certain elf prince throwing arrows in the back yard was not worth running for!  
  
She walked out into the open and felt the blinding bright and sunny day on her skin. It was a beautiful summer morning. The trees in the yard were lazily shaking with the soft breeze. She could hear dozens of birds singing on their branches. She looked around and saw only very few people walking in and out the castle. The crowd of yesterday had dispersed. Many were probably still in their rooms, sleeping till noon. The party had ended very late yesterday. She had remained in her room for the rest of it, reading a book and listening to the music and the chatter flowing in through her window. She took in a deep breath of air. Actually she was glad that the number of the onlookers would not be too great today. The king would certainly attend, as the host of the guests, and maybe the heads of a few houses who were curious about the elves or who were worried that the rest of the houses might form some sort of alliance while they slept over the morning.  
  
Concentrating on the puddles of mud before her, she started walking towards the shooting grounds. The back yard was a larger and untamed garden, usually looking very wild and full with mud holes that the gardeners did not care to remove after watering the yard, since it was rarely visited. But her father had asked the targets to be placed here, not wishing to make the elves shoot among the left over furniture and trash of yesterday's party.  
  
"Oh darn!" screamed Irulan. She had hopped over a mud hole and landed safely on the other side, but forgotten to lift up her dress during the process. The backside of her lower skirts had the distinctive crest of brown mud on it now. "My first task as queen shall be to issue a law that forbids these horrid gowns!" she exclaimed while she was carefully trying to see the back side of her skirts without causing another wave of pain from her ribs.  
  
"What would my lady like to replace them with?" said a melodious voice from nearby. Irulan instantly froze and slowly turned around. Much as she feared, Legolas stood a few paces away, smiling to her. He had changed into soft breeches and boots that were a mixture of greens and browns. His bow was strapped behind his back and he looked as gorgeous as ever. Do these people never have hangovers or circles under their eyes, she wondered.  
  
"Prince Legolas!" Irulan said slowly and decided not to bow in order to save the rest of her skirts - not to mention avoid wincing with pain. "Well I have to say, your outfit looks very comfortable and practical to begin with". She smiled herself and relaxed. Being prepared to see him here today, she found it surprisingly easy to fall back to her usual princess disguise. Her heart was beating a bit faster than usual, but that was simply because she had been hopping around in this accursed garden, nothing more.  
  
Legolas laughed softly and she could have sworn that she had never heard a more beautiful voice before. "It is, indeed!" he said and moved up to her. Irulan realized with displeasure how he avoided the softer and muddy spots of the soil without even paying attention while he walked. It was not fair for any race to be that graceful while she had to crawl and hop around like an insect. "But only the men of my people wear it. I could not imagine a woman such as yourself in them, princess". She thought she saw a twinkle in his eyes, but decided against it.  
  
"Well, I would not know of course, since I never wore an outfit like that. But I do envy the ease of movement it must grant you" she said. Legolas smiled again and offered his hand. Irulan watched his slender fingers enclose hers and started following him on the careful path he chose to guide her through the garden She ordered her heart not to beat so tumultuously. There was nothing about holding hands to get excited about. But with an elf! Her heart took another leap. Stop it, you are not a little child anymore she scolded herself. Ah but he is so. different.. and did I mention GORGEOUS? Irulan hated these inner conflicts. She always seemed to end up more confused afterwards. Stop it, and I mean now Irulan! He is doing it for reasons of kindness, you fool! And yet Irulan could not help but hearing the other soft whisper replying: Different, gorgeous AND kind! Now that is something you bump into every day, sure. "And why would a lady need that sort of ease, dear princess?" Legolas said suddenly without looking back, unaware of her inner struggle.  
  
Irulan held her breath. She was certainly not paying attention to her words. This conversation would need a bit steering around. "I suppose to run all the errands our husbands demand of us" she said joyfully. Now that was quite stupid! she thought, yet I can do even better, dear elf! "But I guess" she added with amusement "it would make us look less favorable in the eyes of our men. And that of course can never be allowed!"  
  
"I am surprised that you think that way" Legolas said and all of a sudden turned to look at her. Irulan felt oddly caught under that gaze. He seemed to be looking right into her, to the Irulan beneath the mask. But that was not possible. Must be the way elves look she said to herself and remembered to breathe again. "You certainly need not worry. I can not imagine you looking unfavorable in any outfit" Legolas added slowly.  
  
You will not blush! screamed a loud voice in her head again. Or was it herself screaming to suppress all the other sinister whispers. "Well" she said very carefully, searching his eyes for clues, "I am glad that you think that way, your highness. For that is indeed my greatest concern of all!" There! A perfect remark from the stupid brainless princess she was supposed to be. And just when she was about to add another fancy statement, she was interrupted by Endor's booming voice and could not help but jump slightly.  
  
"Princess Irulan!"  
  
Oh shoot! This man always turns up at the most inappropriate times. They both turned to see Endor walking toward them in his usual long strides. "I was hoping that you would attend this morning. Actually, I kind of expected you" he said and grinned to her. There was an awkward silence. Endor was staring at Legolas with a rather displeased expression on his face while the former was silently staring back with cool blue eyes. Irulan found herself in a very similar situation to the embarrassing moments of yesterday. "I would not miss the archery demonstration of our honored guests from Mirkwood for anything" she finally said and both men broke off the silent duel to stare at her.  
  
Irulan smiled warmly to Legolas. "Master Greenleaf was escorting me to the shooting grounds just now, is that not so?" she chirped. She hoped that elves had more or less similar reactions to men in social situations. Please just rescue me she thought pleadingly. Legolas offered his arm immediately "Yes I was. Shall we, princess?" Irulan resisted the urge to literally hug him right there. Instead she took his arm and let herself be guided through the rest of the garden. She turned to look over her shoulder after a few steps and grinned to a very shocked and red faced Endor. Eat this, you worm! she thought. "Ah, it will be a beautiful day indeed! I can see that we will remember it for long after it has passed!" she said. Legolas just replied with the most beautiful smile she had ever seen on a face. 


	8. Did He Just Call Me Irulan?

Legolas did indeed shoot that day. And Irulan was glad that she was not the only one with her mouth hanging open. All the stories related to the unbelievable archery and fighting skills of the Mirkwood elves was obviously true. No wonder they had been successfully resisting the ever growing orc raids into Mirkwood. Irulan felt the feeling of awe slowly engulfing her. The awe that one helplessly feels in the face of things that seem to go beyond possibility. And as she sat there watching, she remembered another day back from her childhood when she had felt a similar feeling.  
  
Irulan was only 10, and once again walking through the training grounds of the palace. She could still remember the smell of sweat and dust and rusted metal in the air. Men that seemed like giants in her eyes were everywhere tackling each other, kicking and punching each other, throwing knives and spears at targets. The aura of excitement and war seemed to be hanging in the very air. Irulan liked to come here. She liked to watch the training and to listen to the teachers. The soldiers were used to her. They bowed to her, mimicking serious expressions, or ruffled her hair. Sometimes they even took her on their shoulders and ran around with her.  
  
Irulan's mother and Stampa hated the idea of course, but it was her father that took silent pleasure from the interest of his daughter. He had no son, only three daughters and although he never seemed to regret that, he was still quite happy that at least one of his children was interested to share a part of his life that normally no woman could. Since it would not be proper for him to allow her in, he just pretended not to see her. It was a silent agreement between them. And true, in the upcoming years he would certainly more than regret his actions and curse the day Irulan had walked into the training grounds with his "permission", but that was yet a long way ahead of them.  
  
It seemed to be a day like any other. But who can know what a day is cooking for us before it hits us in the face? Do we not all begin our days with the assumption that they will be no different from all former ones? As a matter of fact, is our whole line of action not based on this very assumption? But there are days that fade into years, and there are other days that divide those blocks of years, that draw a border between someone and the person that same someone will become eventually. Though she had no idea yet, such was the day Irulan walked into the training area once more.  
  
She soon saw that a lot of soldiers had gathered together at a corner of the area and formed a circle around two people. She cut her way through the crowd and stood at the edge of the clearing. One of the two people was an old man. He had long white hair, most of which had fallen out and the rest of which was awkwardly hanging from his scalp in patches. His face seemed bright and alert, and yet his age was obvious from the dense wrinkles around it. He seemed to be very skinny and short. His opponent was a soldier, who seemed to be at least thrice the size of the old man. Irulan watched with interest as the two stared each other in silence. Then the soldier let out a scream and threw himself towards the old man. The other stepped calmly aside, at the same time delivering what seemed to be a very painful kick to the younger man's groins. As the soldier moaned and bent forward in pain, the old man had already moved behind him and this time kicked in his knees. The soldier fell on his knees and ended up on the floor by a final blow on the back of his neck.  
  
All this happened in the blink of an eye. Everyone screamed with excitement and applauded. The old man grinned in pleasure and raised his hands, turning around, calling for silence. That's when he saw Irulan and their eyes locked. He did not seem surprised at all to find a royally dressed little girl among the fiercest men in the kingdom. He slowly bowed down with the upper part of his body, all the time deeply looking into her eyes. Irulan mimicked the bow, never looking away herself. Inside she was all smiles, for she had found something she was not even aware that she had been looking for - a teacher.  
  
And a teacher and dear friend Chemarit became to her. He was the first man ever to treat her like a person - not like a child, nor like a girl, but a person. Although immense abysses like age, gender, culture and background divided them, Chemarit pretended those things never existed from day one, and Irulan was more than happy to go along with that. He saw no reason not to train her like he would train anyone else, or even, like he would train one of his own kind, about whom no one seemed to know much. Irulan only rarely heard him speak about his own people who seemed to be a very curious folk. But he told her once that in his culture women and men were considered equal and that they went to battle side by side. Chemarit never belittled women, nor did he praise them. That kind of distinction was foreign to his mind. That alone opened a whole new world for Irulan.  
  
Chemarit was lethal with the staff and spear and in hand to hand combat. He was a good rider and an average swordsman. However, he never had any experience with archery, and for some odd reason avoided even speaking about it. He claimed that you had to feel the flesh and the agony of your enemy in battle and that he should feel yours. "Archery! Throwing sticks from a distance! Cowardice I tell you Irulan, pure cowardice!" he yelled when she pressed him about it and became somewhat sour. She would press him mainly for the very fact that he would turn sour!  
  
Irulan would discover the real reason behind this despise much later, towards the end of Chemarit's life. He seemed to drink more and more towards his final days, and finally one day when he was as drunk as only a beer barrel could only be, he admitted that with all his skills in the deathly art of combat he had failed to avoid an arrow ending up in his butt. And this arrow had caused him not only immense physical pain, but also spiritual pain for his embarrassment was very deep and the townsfolk, refusing to forget the damn incident, kept reminding him of it ever so often. Actually, it seems this very painful arrow was the reason for a very proud Chemarit to finally admit that the time was ripe for changes - and those changes led him through all Middle Earth and finally to the kingdom of Kanduin. Irulan had laughed till tears ran down her cheeks at the look on Chemarit's face while he confessed her this rather unpleasant story, but then she felt more than shocked when she realized that this was the real reason why women with brains the size of nuts (she was absolutely certain of this part) always had been and forever would be having an excuse to look down on her.  
  
So Chemarit and Irulan walked to the nearby woods every day where his cottage was (he hated the castle and felt uncomfortable in any place from which he could not get out of by the simple motion of stepping out a door) and Chemarit taught her anything there was to be learned about his combat skills. They often talked about fighting, but more often about the world and the people, about relationships between people, and sometimes even about politics. Sometimes when she could not sleep she would walk over with a book under her arm (Chemarit never seemed to sleep anyway) and she would read to him, for he could neither write nor read. Unfortunately he had quite a different taste and preferred the romantic novels which Irulan hated, but it was alright, for she was with a friend and it was nice to read to him with the smell of tobacco in the room and a fire to light up her face.  
  
So it was rather inevitable for Irulan to end up a dashing fighter with the staff and a formidable foe in hand to hand combat, but a lousy archer. As a matter of fact, even to this day she did not know how to properly hold the bow. And to her demise, archery became a popular entertainment among the women in higher circles. Often there were archery contests where women would dress up like a queen and march out with bows and arrows (the sight of which Irulan found rather creepy and absurd) and where every hit received polite applause with whispers about this or that lady's dress or the latest shocking affair in between. Everyone in the kingdom seemed to know that Irulan was completely incapable of the art and even her two sisters would constantly tease her about it. Not that they were good in hitting the target themselves, but the point was that one did not have to be good in it. One had to LOOK good doing it and show up at every contest as glamorous as possible. No need to say that Irulan soon shared her master's despise for archery.  
  
Chemarit was already ancient the day they had first bowed to each other and 7 later - too late for him, he claimed often, but too early for Irulan - he died. Irulan had lost her only friend and support. She was devastated for a long time, during which even those who had severely opposed to her friendship with Chemarit had given her time and space and never complained again about her visits to the forest - which she continued to make every day, no matter what. They had never actually seen a threat in all that training anyway. True, Chemarit looked like a chicken thief (and to Irulan's utter dismay, he actually turned out to be one!) and was probably more than a little crazy, but their perception of the world and the limits of their imagination was too narrow to ever believe that a woman could learn fighting, no matter how hard she tried. Besides, Irulan seemed to have calmed down quite a bit after she met Chemarit. She had stopped running around the castle, pulling wild and highly inappropriate tricks on everyone or worse, running from the castle, off to the city to stay with Harkey or to be found dirty and hungry in an abandoned alley or a farm a few days later. What could be the danger in bashing sticks every now and then anyway? If only Irulan had left it at that... which of course was never to be.  
  
Chemarit's death was another turning point in Irulan's life. She walked away from the grave a child no more. There were times when her longing to see him again turned into acute pain and made her lock herself up in her room, refusing to eat or sleep. But they never overcame her. Her father decided to send her to one of their castles further in the north with Stampa every summer, so that she could lighten up. And Irulan did lighten up, for as soon as they arrived, she left a protesting Stampa behind and set off on long journeys, seeing the world as she always wished she would. And those secret and solitary adventures stayed with her forever - like the time she had invoked the Red Dragon and had faced his gaze; or times she defended a town against orcs along with the people of Gondor (always in disguise, of course); or when the day she saw the ocean glimmering far over the hills and felt little and indistinctive in a world so big and vast. So she had lost a master, but the whole world became her master now and she was the most curious pupil.  
  
The sound of applause brought her back to reality and she realized that she had missed the last part of the demonstration. "Damn", she thought, "and it happens so rarely!" She joined the applause and stood up when Endor grasped her arm and began to walk away from the crowd. Irulan tried to keep up with him, for she either would do that or end up struggling with everyone else watching and getting herself dirty in the mud. Obviously satisfied with the distance he had put between them and everyone else he turned to look at her. "Irulan! You are avoiding me again".  
  
"You are dangerous when you are smart, Endor" hissed Irulan and rudely drew back her arm.  
  
"Irulan, I need to talk to you" he pleaded "but it seems like I need to have pointed ears to get the privilege!"  
  
Irulan's eyebrows shot up. "Actually, a brain and a heart would suffice. Unfortunately you don't have either" she said slowly. "And don't bother. They would not look half as good on you" she added with some dark satisfaction.  
  
"Irulan why do you humiliate me so, when all I feel for you is....... love and kindness"  
  
Irulan rolled her eyes. "Here it comes again", she thought. She was getting tired of this. It had been repeating itself for too long now. She desperately looked around to find an excuse, but it seems everyone was busy congratulating the elves. No one was even looking at them. "Endor" she began tiredly, "I am growing tired of your persistence. Don't you understand, I do not feel for you. A lot of women do. Why don't you choose another?"- "See, I can be nice", she thought.  
  
Endor waved away all that niceness though. Obviously he was prepared for the same dialog as well. "Listen Irulan, I mean to wed you. And I mean soon".  
  
Irulan was just narrowing her eyes to see what was going on with the elves and the crowd when she felt like being slapped in the face and turned around to face him "What?! In your dreams you mule!"  
  
Endor calmly held his hand up to ward off her insults, "Irulan, I know you will be happy once we have this behind us. You are wild and you have lived a free life, but once you are tamed, you will understand what real happiness is and hopefully also feel grateful for it". Irulan's mouth dropped open. Endor took a little step back when he saw her eyes narrowing. "Now look, do not misbehave again. I said I love you".  
  
"You.. you......... you stupid, selfish, rude, senseless, soulless... you big PIG!" she finished almost screaming now. Endor hastily looked up to see if anyone was paying attention but Irulan did not care. "You dare talk to me like that? Obviously you just want me to get in trouble again for kicking your head back down from the clouds! But you know what, I will grant you that wish you slimy snake!"  
  
She gathered her skirts and was about to take a step closer to smash Endor's beautiful face that seemed to be filled with a mixture of worry and horror now, when she heard a familiar voice behind her "Are you well, princess?" Legolas! "No" she pleaded in her head, "not now... not when I am about to smash this big cockroach!" Nevertheless she halted. Endor was not moving either. She did not hear Legolas approaching but all of a sudden he was beside her, looking at her with a worried look. "What is the matter?" he said more softly and threw a bleak look at Endor.  
  
Irulan released her skirts again. "Nothing, Master Elf. I just feel like I can not stand the STINK.... in this.... garden any longer. I think I will retire" she said.  
  
"Yes indeed, I can smell it too" said Legolas to her utter surprise. He only smiled warmly at her widened eyes. "An elf with a sense of humor! Who'd know!" she thought.  
  
"I'll come with you" Endor added hastily. He took a step towards her but Legolas was between them before either had a chance to see him moving. "I think I will assist the lady" he said to him and if an elf could sound dangerous, this must be certainly it. Both Irulan and Endor unconsciously flinched at his tone.  
  
"I was talking with her before you interrupted us" Endor said slowly after a long pause.  
  
"Very well" said Legolas calmly, "you are done talking now".  
  
He turned his back to Endor, completely ignoring him then, "Princess Irulan, will you let me escort you back to the castle?" Irulan quickly recovered from the shock. "I would be forever in your debt Master Greenleaf" she said warmly. "If the hero in that stupid story was anything like this" she thought, all of a sudden remembering the handsome prince that had killed the evil dragon (hmm. sounds awfully familiar to SOMEONE I know, she blistered) and saved the day, "I would not mind the least being the little stupid impressed princess!" And that meant a lot, actually.  
  
*** "I feel like you are becoming more and more often my rescuer, Prince Legolas" she said after a while. They were walking towards the castle but slowly, for none wished to get there too soon.  
  
"Legolas" he said dreamily.  
  
"Pardon me?"  
  
"Please call me just Legolas" he said looking at her.  
  
"Well I......... I should not" she said a bit disturbed.  
  
"Why not? It is my wish."  
  
"All right then......... Legolas" she said and it felt all wrong. She felt very uncomfortable saying it, oddly exposed, and could not pinpoint exactly why that was. "Thank you for all your support until now" she said, "I am truly grateful".  
  
"No need. I must admit that I enjoy 'rescuing' you from Lord Endor more than anything. I would not mind at all if it happened again".  
  
Irulan laughed with him. "I know! He is so persistent!"  
  
Legolas became very serious all of a sudden "So am I, Irulan" he said. Then added with a lighter tone "And something tells me that I would be the one to outlive Lord Endor in this matter of stubbornness".  
  
"Well, if you can outlive a block of stone, Legolas, I think you might be right" Irulan said.  
  
They both laughed at that. Then a silence followed and Irulan felt like she should say something but the silence became longer and longer and she dared not say anything to break it. And oddly, it felt comfortable to be silent around Legolas. She felt the comforting blanket of silence envelope her and the need to speak, explain, persuade, lie, confess and express leave her. She felt unbelievably lucky to have such a creature being with her in the first place right here and right now. He was like an inspiration, like a divine gift. And he was like no man she had known. Actually, completely unlike the men around her, he was smooth, kind and intelligent and most important of all, she felt no judgment from him. True, he did not know who she was in reality, and Irulan could not believe that an elf (much less an elf prince) would ever find such qualities in a woman attractive, but she had been fairly stupid around him and he did not seem to be taken aback by that. So they walked together for quite a long time, finally ending up in the castle because there was nowhere left to go. After Legolas had left her, Irulan began walking to her room and somewhere along the way a sudden thought began to ring in her head. "Wait, did he just call me Irulan?" 


	9. What a Wedding?

Legolas stood in front of the big building he had followed Irulan to a few nights ago. It was mid-afternoon and a quite hot day. The streets of the city were packed with people and carts. After the silent harmony of the forest, the smells and noises of this place were a constant onslaught on his senses. He slowly approached the door and knocked. No one seemed to answer. So he knocked again. No answer. He stepped back a little and looked around.  
  
"Looking for Harkey?" a shrill voice ringed from his right. An old woman had leaned out from one of the windows. She looked like a shriveled leaf, brown and skinny to the point where the meat was clinging to her very bones. "Yes" replied Legolas, "do you know where I can find him?" The woman eyed him up and down. "Stranger, huh?" After a short silence she added "Who knows?! That man is never to be found anywhere daytime. And mostly nighttime too, if you ask me! A bad bone is what he is!" She leaned over and spit towards the other side. "Try later, lad". "Actually" added Legolas hastily and the woman turned back and leaned out again, "I was going to ask him where the Gordimers live". She smiled a toothless smile "Ah them! I can tell you easily enough, lad".  
  
***  
  
"You look absolutely stunning Eprim!" Irulan screamed in astonishment. Eprim smiled and turned slowly on the spot. "It's the dress, really Irulan. I can not thank you enough for it!"  
  
Irulan quickly waved away the comment. "Ah please! YOU look stunning. The dress should be happy having YOU underneath it" Eprim could not help herself giggling. "And I am sooo happy you could come by. Gerd is going to be happy to see you too!"  
  
"Would I ever miss your wedding, you guys? I was there through all the ugly fights and insults, the bone breaking and the ear biting.... so I SHOULD be there during the happy parts too, right?"  
  
Eprim laughed out loud. "Too true!" Then her faced seemed to fall a little bit and she looked up shyly "Only.... Gabrim will be attending as well, you know that, right?"  
  
Irulan had suspected as much. Not that it would make a difference, but... Gabrim was Gerd's younger brother and not one of the pleasant younger brothers. He had never liked Irulan and the feeling had only grown stronger with time. He was constantly teasing her about her royal blood and her pretty gowns; always hushing people when they cracked a joke at her expense, saying that her father's guards would carry them away and chop off their heads if they did not stop. Irulan tried to be dismissive in the beginning, mainly because she was afraid that any bold behavior on her behalf would only serve as proof that she was using her background to belittle him. Yet she only had so much patience and soon she started quarrelling with him openly in front of everyone. The quarrels even tended to become physical more than once and embarrassing as it was, she had actually felt better having hit him harder than she would hit anybody else insulting her.  
  
Irulan sighed and when she realized that Eprim was watching her with concerned eyes, immediately lit up with a smile "Ah please Eprim, I can handle him. I hardly realize he's there, actually"  
  
***  
  
"Okay now, that does it!" she yelled and threw the remaining piece of bread she was holding onto the table. Unfortunately it landed in a rather fluid bowl of sauce and a little piece of that sauce landed on someone's hair. Irulan was a bit too worked up to stop now, though. "I think you are trying to cover up for your injured pride, Gabrim" she spat.  
  
Gabrim was sitting across her with eyes like torches. If looks could kill, he would have been arrested for murder and dragged away by now. His clenched his jaw and said "What are you talking about, rat?" in a grave voice.  
  
Irulan ignored the horrific expression on Eprim and Gerd's face and pushed her chin up. "Why, if I don't remember wrong, last year you had a little help from my fist for falling on your ass, didn't you? Cause normally I bet you could not even accomplish that!" Her voice was alarmingly close to a shrill and she felt the heat of anger rising with every word. She hated the fact that Gabrim managed to have such an effect on her, but the cat was out of the sack now.  
  
"Oh yes, I remember. It is hard to forget your calamities in this house! Just when we are about to forget the last one, you shove another one right into our faces, YOUR HIGHNESS!"  
  
He was screaming and that was good because it gave her the right to scream back. "I guess you miss your beatings so much, you make up an excuse for another every year, you ox!"  
  
Gabrim leaned over to her: "The mud-poles" he hissed.  
  
"Deal" Irulan hissed back. Instantly they were both on their feet, stamping off towards the backyard. Everyone flinched and sprang up protesting, running after them. Gerd and Eprim remained on the table and sighed. Gerd was massaging his face when Eprim leaned on to him and said "Ah let them beat it out!" He was about to say "As if I have a choice!" when someone called his name. He turned to look and his cousin was running towards him. "You have new guests, Gerd!" she yelled with excitement, they are here for the wedding".  
  
"Calm down Karla. Just lead them in".  
  
"Oh no!" screamed Karla, "I think YOU better lead these guests in!" He leaned back to glance towards the house. He could make out three slim figures, standing by the door that lead from the house to the backyard, talking to Eprim's father and to Harkey. Then his eyes widened and he jumped up. Without as second thought he started to run towards them.  
  
***  
  
"It is an honor that you can find the time join us on such a day, Master Elf!" Harkey said in excitement. "I fear we were not prepared for such an event!"  
  
Menan Gordimer looked bewildered from this sudden visit. He was nervously fiddling with his shirt and every now and then looking up the three men -no, elves!- in front of him to make sure it was indeed happening.  
  
"The honor is all ours, Master Harkey" said one of the elves. He was taller than the other two with light brown hair and blue eyes. He shared the high cheekbones and naturally the pointed ears with his friends.  
  
Harkey seemed to be pleased beyond words at being called "Master" (not to mention by an elf!) and laughed merrily. "Please, do pray come in! Come in! I am sure the bride and groom will be delighted!"  
  
"Father!" Gerd almost chocked on his words and halted just before he ran into Harkey. "I hear we have important guests!" he said, trying not to look too obviously to the ears of the new arrivals.  
  
"Yes yes!" guwaffed Harkey, "This is Gerd, he is the groom. And these are, eh. I am sorry..... I would not want to kill your names with my pronunciation. If you will, please....."  
  
The elf with the light brown hair smiled sincerely and turned to Gerd "I am Athalos, this is Bern and this is our prince, Legolas. We are from Mirkwood and we have been staying with your generous king. We heard that a union of a man and a woman is taking place here today and having never witnessed such a custom in this land, we wished to come by and see it. Alas, I hope that you will not think us rude. We had no time to let you know of our coming. And we did not want you to feel need for any preparation for us neither".  
  
"A prince eh?" whispered Harkey and nudged Gerd slightly in the ribs.  
  
"Please tell us if it is improper" said Bern in a chiming voice. "We do not wish to intrude".  
  
"Oh not at all!" claimed Gerd. He slightly pushed his father and Harkey aside and offered his hand. "I welcome you to our home and our modest wedding. I have to say though, we completed the ceremony just a short while ago" His face looked truly sad at the moment, "We were just having lunch together. If only we had known." Legolas held up his hand "Please, no need for explanations. We were prepared for this option when we came here. Is it possible that we join you in lunch?" Gerd's face lit up like a flame, "But do so! We are overjoyed to have you here today!" Legolas shook the offered hand, "We are overjoyed to be here ourselves, Master Gerd. The hospitality of men is very impressive indeed".  
  
***  
  
"That stupid, rude, impossible ox of a man!" Irulan thought. "I am so going to bash his head this time. He will have enough scars for next year!" She picked up her staff. It was heavy and solid, tall enough to reach her shoulders, and started to walk towards the mud pool which was exactly that - a rather big pool filled with waist-deep mud. Long and thick wooden poles were sticking out of it irregularly. Already a crowd mainly consisting of children was gathered around the edge of the pool, laughing and screaming joyously. Two tall trees stood on either side of the pool, their thick branches reaching towards each other above the pool. Both had a ladder that ran up their enormous trunks. She started towards the ladder, but then stopped and looked over to the other side.  
  
Gabrim was taking off his jacket and handing it over to one of his friends. The three of them realized that she was looking and sneered towards her. "Why don't you bring your friends along, you ox?" she thundered. "The three of you together hardly make one man anyway!" Gabrim turned a darker shade red and his friends looked at each other for a moment. "Ah forget it!" Irulan barked, "I'll take out the brave ones today. Leave the cowards behind". Then she started to climb up the ladder with grim satisfaction. Behind her, all three were hastily taking up their staffs and running towards the opposite tree already.  
  
***  
  
Legolas' head shot up at her voice. "Why don't you bring your friends along, you ox!" She was screaming. She looked more than a little enraged, shaking her staff at the three men on the other side with rage. He heard Bern gasp "Is that.... is it..... Princess Irulan?" he asked with amazement.  
  
Eprim was caressing the unbelievably smooth roll of fabric that Legolas had just given her as a wedding gift. It was the color of the night sky, embedded with little silver spots which enhanced the impression even more. Her hands were running over the cloth when she heard Bern and her eyes widened with fear. "They know her! Oh no, they are staying at the palace and they recognized her!" She hastily looked up to the three elves who were watching the incredulous scene before them. Her mind went blank and she looked over to Gerd, realizing that he looked blanched too.  
  
"I believe it is, Bern". It was Legolas. And to her utter surprise, he looked amused. His smile widened into a grin, "Though she looks a bit.... different".  
  
"What is she wearing?" Analoth said, squinting his eyes "it looks like a boy's outfit!" For some reason Legolas laughed out loud at that.  
  
"Is she in some sort of danger, my lady?" Bern suddenly turned to her. "Maybe we should go and help her". He sprang up but Gerd stood up as well and gently placed his hand on the elf's shoulder. Then, on second thought, he snapped it back. "No Master Elf. She is...." he looked at Eprim and then at Harkey pleadingly, not sure how to finish the sentence, ".... playing a game" he said quickly and sat back down.  
  
"What game is that?" Analoth asked with curiosity. Harkey cleared his throat, "Well... Irulan.... I mean Princess Irulan loves it so much, she plays it ever as often as she can. It is mainly about making your opponent fall into the mud".  
  
"But is that not.... dangerous..... for a woman?" Analoth looked very confused now. Gerd gently started massaging his face again.  
  
Irulan, on the far side of the garden, was standing on the pole closest to the tree branch and shaking her staff again. She seemed to be talking but it was hard to make out from this distance.  
  
"Well the princess is rather good at it" Harkey tried to continue without whining, "she will manage just fine, don't worry".  
  
"She looks very much in rage for a game" murmured Bern. Legolas chuckled again. Eprim looked even paler, if such a thing was possible. "What a wedding!" she thought.  
  
***  
  
"I will so kick your ass you mule!" Irulan hissed to Gabrim.  
  
He preferred not to answer. He was intently focused on the poles underneath him, balancing himself with his staff awkwardly. Irulan knew that he had the most horrible balance and that he was a major loser in this game, and yet he had picked it because that stubborn and proud donkey had to prove himself to the whole bloody world! So be it, she thought, no mercy! She moved in gracefully, jumping from pole to pole with wide and elegant strides. Her left side felt considerably better. It was only emanating a silent buzz of pain and that was easy to deal with. Gabrim's friend Anil did not even see her coming, much less did he get the chance to see her swinging her staff and hitting him right across the shoulders. He tilted back and waved his arms madly to avoid falling, but she was already moving on when he failed and plummeted down. She placed her staff on the next pole just before Gabrim and instantly took off, hitting him with both feet on his chest and landing on his pole, pulling the staff behind her. A sweet but monstrous smile spread across her face as she turned to the last man, who had only yet managed to balance himself awkwardly on the pole. "Boo!" Irulan said softly and charged, but he was falling already. She laughed heartily and started to dance around the poles, landing on her feet, on her hands, jumping up and twisting in air, landing back on her feet again. Gabrim was climbing back up the ladder already. His face was covered with brown dripping mud and his eyes looked even more murderous underneath that blanket of dirt. He hopped on the nearest pole, closely followed by Anil and the dance began all over again.  
  
***  
  
There was an awkward silence at the table. The elves looked like little children with slightly cocked heads, fixed on the interesting game while the humans looked sick and about to cry. "Did you see that back flip, my prince?! Lady Irulan is well trained!" exclaimed Bern with mild joy. "Yes, Master Harkey was right, she is a fierce player" Legolas said and grinned to the very silent Harkey, "she must be practicing regularly, she looks very sharp". Harkey only gulped audibly and started to fill himself another goblet of wine.  
  
"Tell me Lady Eprim, you seem to know her well enough, who would her trainer be?" Legolas asked. Eprim tried to speak but soon decided against any attempt of lying. Those eyes told her that he would know immediately and she could not lie to an elf prince - not even for Irulan! "Well.... she had a teacher.... but he died some years ago Master Legolas" she said in a barely audible voice. "Is it usual for women of your country to be trained in the art of combat?" asked Bern. He seemed to be very pleasantly surprised by the whole thing and his eyes shone with silent excitement.  
  
Eprim sighed softly. "Might as well tell the whole story", she thought. "No, Master Bern. It is most unusual. And not very.... encouraged. But Princess Irulan..... has never been too worried about what is usual and what is not" she finally said and sipped on her wine. She sounded almost bitter, she realized. And with a good reason too. Irulan was in trouble and worse than that, so was she! Not to mention that the whole wedding was about to fly off a cliff very soon. "I noticed" said Legolas without turning his head to her, "I find that most fascinating. She is rather unique" he added softly. The other two elves looked at each other. A long silence followed.  
  
***  
  
Irulan did not know how many times she had thrown them in, but the game seemed to come to a conclusion finally. Both Gabrim's friends had crawled out of the pool, but remained on the lawn in the last round, unable to stand up. She thought she had hit Anil too hard on the legs the last time; he seemed to be wincing while holding his right leg outstretched. Momentarily she felt a pang of guilt; after all, they were really no match for her. But her recovery was astonishingly fast. "That is what pride does to you! They should know better!" She thought.  
  
"Give it up already Gabrim" she said, pretending a yawn, "I'd rather go back down and continue with my lunch that you so rudely interrupted".  
  
"Shut up you rat!" he mumbled and moved towards her on the poles. Irulan did not change her posture. She was leaning on her staff with the other hand on her hip, looking very bored and relaxed. "Suit yourself you ox. I was just trying to save your pride. Or rather, what's left of it" she said lazily. And that's when she all of a sudden became aware of the silence around the pool. She looked back and realized that the crowd surrounding the pool had dispersed a while ago. Most of them were gathered around the table now, laughing and giggling, but not as loud as before. Squinting her eyes she saw Eprim sitting on the very end of the table, looking gravely at her plate. Gerd too was oddly looking down at the table, seemingly unaware of the tumult the children were creating around him. Harkey was sitting across him, looking at her, with a very odd expression on his face. If she did not know better, she would say it was fear, and yet, she had never seen him afraid before. "What's going on?" She thought and felt the rise of a funny feeling in her belly.  
  
And then she saw the elf. Or rather, the elves. They were sitting at the table as well, with deep interest on their faces, looking straight at her. Irulan's eyes widened with shock and disbelief. She instinctively snapped up and stood erect, but unable to move. Because she knew them! They were from the castle! And then she saw Legolas. He was sitting closest to her, glamorous as ever, watching her with intend interest. "Can't be" she murmured and felt something cold sliding down her spine. "How. when." "NO NO NO. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! The voice was echoing in her head.  
  
Gabrim swung his staff as hard as he could and to his very surprise hit Irulan right on her left side. She staggered and turned around with a confused expression. She seemed to say something but he could not make out what it was, and then she was falling down from the pole, that curious expression still plastered on her face.  
  
***  
  
"Not the.... left side.... you... dork" she heard herself mumble but had no idea why she was mumbling that. And then Irulan felt herself tipping over in slow motion, and falling down, still unable to move and unable to make sense of the world around her. She felt a pain in her head that almost matched the pain radiating from her ribs before darkness washed over her and she knew that it was not the darkness of the mud. 


	10. No One Will Ever Fear Me Again!

"Irulan! Wake up Irulan!" The darkness seemed to stretch for a moment, and then fade... like ink spotted with water, lighter spots began to appear in the black background.  
  
"I think she is coming around" she heard a voice say..... "Eprim" she thought. But neither the name nor the voice had any meaning to her...... they seemed to hang in the darkness for a while longer. Then she began to feel the throbbing pain, like the buzz of bees, getting louder as the darkness was fading into light. "Eprim" she thought again...... and remembered.  
  
Irulan opened her eyes. "Irulan! Oh I have been so worried....." Eprim's voice boomed from nearby, and then she added hastily ".....princess". The world swam back into focus and after swinging back and forth a couple of times, stayed where it was. Eprim was leaning above her, a very worried expression on her face. Irulan tried to turn her head and winced with the pain. "You hit your head" Eprim said.  
  
The buzzing of the pain was very loud now. And so were all voices. She wished Eprim would move back a bit. "Wh-what happened?" Irulan managed to say.  
  
"You fell from the pole..... Gabrim hit you".  
  
Oh yes! The mud-pole game! That accursed ox of a Gabrim! And then a lightning hit her. Her eyes widened with terror and not caring about the pain, she jerked her head towards Eprim "I saw elves!" she said and grasped Eprim's hand. She was hoping for a confused look on her friend's face, a "What are you talking about?", but Eprim looked very much aware of what she was talking about. Irulan's heart missed a beat. Eprim opened her mouth to answer but another voice spoke up.  
  
"Yes, we are here, princess" She saw Legolas' face swimming into her view then. He was standing behind Eprim, it seemed. Eprim hastily stood up, looking relieved all of a sudden, squeezed her friend's hand and then disappeared from her view. Legolas gracefully sat on the edge of the bed and continued looking at her. Irulan felt the surreal becoming real and panic setting in. She tried to sit up, not caring about the pain in her body and her head, but Legolas placed a hand on her chest and gently forced her down. "You should not get up yet, Irulan" he said softly. She obeyed him merely because she failed to get up anyway.  
  
Legolas was looking at her intently. He then brought his hand up and gently removed a lock of hair from Irulan's face. Irulan felt her heart making another leap and closed her eyes. "I must apologize" she heard him saying, "I believe I was the reason you lost the game today". She exhaled slowly. Maybe it was time to introduce the monster. "It was not a game" she said slowly. "I was trying to kick his a.....- kick him" she finished.  
  
"Why?" he said after a while.  
  
"Because" she began.... and then thought about how she could explain an elf how insult, rage, anger, madness, vengeance could spring from the most mindless conversations and take over the mind and the spirit in the blink of an eye. "Because he infuriated me for reasons that are too stupid to explain and I felt like hurting him. We do that.... we humans, I mean".  
  
Legolas said nothing but took her hand in his. She opened her eyes then and looked at him. A part of her wanted to roughly take her hand back and another part just wanted him to hold it like that forever. "Why are you here?" she asked.  
  
"It is a long story, really. But I wish to tell you when you feel better" said Legolas.  
  
"I must get up" she said and tried again. This time, seeing that she would not be deterred, he helped her up. She realized that his clothes were embedded in mud then.  
  
"Oh dear!" She gasped "your clothes!"  
  
He looked down and chuckled. "Yes, it is a first, I must say. But the others look worse, believe me" he grinned.  
  
The others! Irulan felt horrible. She opened her mouth but Legolas put up his hand to stop her "Please, no apologies necessary. Clothes are not worth talking about".  
  
He leaned over then. His face looked so close and the closer it was, the more beautiful it seemed to be. She slowly tugged at her hand but he would not let go. "You are worried" he said, "but worry not, for we will not say a word".  
  
Irulan looked up in surprise. 'Could it be possible', she thought, 'that elves are angels? That I am sitting in the same room with this magical creature? I have lived with them for 20 years now, so close to them, and yet never knew how overwhelming they are. How could I be so unaware of something so close?'  
  
There was a tap on the door and Irulan did not know whether she should rejoice or cry. Harkey's head popped in. "Are you all right Irulan? I mean..... princess?" he said.  
  
"Yes" said Irulan, "I am okay. And we should get back to the castle now, I think". She tugged at her hand again and this time Legolas let go of it. And once again, she could not decide whether she should be happy or sad about it. "I am so confused! Why is he always turning up and confusing me?"  
  
She realized that she was dressed in the gown she was wearing when she left the castle for the wedding. Feeling uncomfortable as ever in those long things, she had changed as soon as she arrived. Thankfully, because otherwise she would have to go to the castle in a muddy boy's outfit. Indeed! Eprim must have washed the rest of her roughly, too. She could feel little pieces of dried mud all over her body and in her hair, but at least from a distance she did not look like the pig she probably did a short while ago. She slowly stood up.  
  
"I should really apologize to Gabrim" she said. "Not that he didn't deserve the beating!" she added hastily, "but as the stronger and more mature one, it seems to be my duty". Legolas grinned and offered his arm and she relaxed and leaned into him while the both walked out.  
  
The other two elves immediately stood up. They DID look horrible. The brown mud had covered all of their clothes from the waist down and it had dried, making them look even more comical. The expression on their faces was equally odd. They seemed to be terrified by their condition and very obviously embarrassed. They were holding their capes folded over their arms. At least those would cover most of the view when they got to the castle. Not that anyone would dare to ask elves questions about their appearance but they would certainly ask her if she walked in with them without their capes on.  
  
"Princess Irulan" said the shorter one with blonde hair, "you really frightened us. Are you well now?"  
  
"Yes, yes...... Master..."  
  
"Bern. This is Athalos". The other elf nodded.  
  
"Yes Master Bern. Actually I owe all of you an apology. I can only hope that you will not judge my entire race until eternity by taking me as an example".  
  
Athalos chuckled, "Don't worry princess; we came to an agreement that this chapter of human oddity can be left out of the history books".  
  
"Glad to hear it" said a voice. Gabrim! She tried not to, but blistered anyway. "The rest of us are not like......HER".  
  
Irulan pressed her lips into a thin line. She could literally feel the blood pumping into her head now. "Shut up Irulan. Do not give in to the temptation. Show him that you are able to control your anger" she thought.  
  
"Gabrim!" -'Okay now, maybe that tone of voice was a bit too harsh. After all, the elves literally flinched' she thought. "Gabrim" she tried again and it did indeed come out softer (more like an iron club hid under velvet) "Even though you hit a woman -a WOMAN- with ALL your strength -which is not much, I have to say, but enough to cause damage- and made her fall from a high pole that happened to be standing in a pool of mud -HEAD-DOWN I have to remind you- without any thought about what would become of her if she ended up crippled or distorted or, let's face it, DEAD......"  
  
"This is just getting better and better!" Gabrim interrupted her. "A woman indeed! I saw no woman! I saw a beast with a lethal weapon threatening my very life!"  
  
"I came here to apologize you fool!" she screamed, unable to restrain herself any longer.  
  
"So have I!" he thundered back at her.  
  
There was a silence. Legolas could not hold it anymore. He began to laugh. Softly at first but then it caught up and the other two elves began to chuckle as well. And then they were laughing freely, as was everyone else in the room. Only Irulan and Gabrim looked pissed and embarrassed beyond words.  
  
"I will kill him" she thought. "For making elves - ELVES - laugh at me! Now I can never rule a kingdom. No one will ever fear me again!" (The upcoming years would prove that this was the understatement of all times) Then she just sighed and headed for the door. "All right now... I really don't think it was that funny... I am in agony here gentlemen!........... why.. I can't believe this is the elvish kindness all Middle Earth speaks of!............."  
  
Three muddy elves and a wincing princess in a fabulous gown slowly walked up the main street towards the castle. All along the way people turned to look at the red face of the princess and at the carefree laughter of elves - both of which were quite rare sights. Will wonders never cease? 


	11. You Stealthy Wizard!

King Kanduin and Prince Legolas were walking side by side in one of the many gardens. It was the morning of the 5th day of Legolas' stay. He would be departing soon. The only thing that had kept him from doing so yet was the news that Gandalf the Grey would be joining them any time now......... and Princess Irulan of course. She was such an interesting phenomenon for him, and he already regretted the idea of having to part from her. The more time he spent with her, the more he found her fascinating and only wished to spend longer time in her company. It was strange and a bit unsettling for him to feel this way about a mortal woman. Yes, he had some long and good friendships with mortal men - Aragorn, son of Arathorn was certainly such a friend. Gandalf, who was no mortal, but no elf either, was another one. But a mortal woman! Now that was something to think about. Or rather not...........a part of him feared that in analyzing it too much he would somehow hurt the beautiful feelings that were growing between them. Or rather, that were growing inside him.  
  
"Is it a grave matter, my friend?" asked Kanduin and thereby interrupted Legolas' thoughts.  
  
"Oh no, not at all. Just a minor wish of mine. It concerns your daughter, Lady Irulan."  
  
Kanduin was surprised. He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at the elven prince, whose face would not give away what he was thinking. He sighed, "What did she do this time? Did she insult you in any way, dear prince? Please spare me no details!"  
  
Legolas smiled. "Nothing of the sort, I assure you, King Kanduin. On the contrary, Princess Irulan was very kind to me throughout my stay. I felt very gracious to have her company."  
  
"Oh," said Kanduin. Now that was even more surprising. Irulan was very good company when she meant to be, true, but yet she ended up rubbing people the wrong way most of the time. "Well............. what is the matter then?"  
  
"I do not know your customs well enough to judge the effect of my question. Yet I hope that you will understand that I ask it only for reasons of kindness and assistance. I know that Princess Irulan has problems with archery, is that not so?"  
  
Kanduin was confused now. He was expecting some complaint, yes, but archery? "Yes, her lack of skill in that area is infamous," he chuckled lightly. "It infuriates her but she tries not to show it."  
  
"I was thinking that I might be able to help," Legolas said.  
  
"How so, my friend?"  
  
"If the princess were interested and if you thought it proper, I would love to be her host in my home in Mirkwood for a time, where I and others would be honored to teach her that skill," Legolas said slowly and cast a sidelong glance at the king. "I would offer to stay here and teach her, yet I must be present in Mirkwood for certain matters that need my attention. Besides, I thought it would be interesting for a princess, your daughter, to be the first to see the ways of your neighbors."  
  
"Indeed!" said the king. He seemed more than pleased at the thought of one of his family being invited to the kingdom of Mirkwood. The elves were very reserved. They had begun attending the annual parties and festivities his kingdom offered only very recently and never before made such an invitation no any other kingdom or house that he knew about. And for the prince himself to teach her archery! He tried to curb his excitement. Irulan! Interesting, but why was it always this or that way about Irulan? "But my friend, I could not let such a frivolous matter to take up the precious time of a prince!"  
  
Legolas chuckled slightly, "Dear King, often it is my belief that I have more time than I need."  
  
"Oh, of course," laughed Kanduin. "I understand. Well, I am a bit surprised about this offer. It is a great honor, no doubt. My only fear would be Irulan causing you trouble. She has quite a talent in THAT area, I can tell you," he added somewhat bitterly.  
  
"I am sure that it would be no trouble for us. We would be glad to see her in Mirkwood and proud if we can be of assistance in this matter to her."  
  
"Well..... in that case, dear Legolas. I see absolutely no reason why not! When will you be available for such a task?"  
  
Legolas smiled again, "As I have said before, your highness, I am available any time you ask of me."  
  
***  
  
"All right now Saime. I want you to attack me with that broom."  
  
Saime, the head of servants, looked very unhappy. She was standing in the kitchen, servants swirling around her, carrying all sorts of mugs and cups and buckets in haste. It was no easy task to run a castle, but she had been doing that for all her life now and was proud in having served the royal family through many generations. She looked at the broom in her hand. "Princess Irulan............ your highness..... I beg you..... this is really not the time............. and I am certainly not the right person..."  
  
Irulan rolled her eyes. "Of course you are! All you have to do is try to hit me with the broom. I will not hit you back, promise," she said. Saime obviously had not considered that possibility before and her eyes widened with fear. "Princess," she gulped, "I am an old and weak woman!"  
  
"Yes, yes," said Irulan hastily, "but that is your weapon of expertise, is it not?"  
  
"Weapon? Your highness it is but only..........."  
  
"A broom, I KNOW Saime! I meant you have been using it all your life............. for decades now! So it has kind of become one with you."  
  
Saime looked at the broom in her shaking hand with an expression of pure horror on her face, as if the thing could sprout roots any time and truly attach itself on her hand.  
  
"Aw come on, how hard can that be? Pretend I'm a rat. Ahem............. a mouse."  
  
"Princess, I can not!"  
  
Irulan sighed in despair. "Do you want me to take the broom and make a demonstration on you?"  
  
"So it has come to this! The future rulers of Middle Earth are torturing old women, I see!" a voice boomed behind her.  
  
Irulan screamed in delight and turned around. "Gandalf!" she screamed and jumped up to hug him. "You stealthy wizard!" Gandalf chuckled in delight. "Irulan! You are getting more wicked with the hour!"  
  
Irulan stepped back all grins, "How dare you! I am preparing myself for the orcs!" She moved closer and whispered "And who would be a better model of them than Saime?"  
  
Gandalf's laughter echoed through the halls. "Now that, I certainly can not deny!" Saime, taking advantage of the appearance of the wizard had disappeared into thin air. "I certainly missed you Irulan. You always have a special place in my heart."  
  
"Yeah, yeah" said Irulan. They started to walk down the corridor towards the main halls of the castle, "you probably say that to every pretty girl you meet in Middle Earth."  
  
"I do not!" replied Gandalf with all innocence. "What a heart breaking accusation!"  
  
Irulan grinned up to him, "I am wise to the ways of men, my dear Gandalf! Everyone knows you are the biggest Casanova ever!" she teased him, knowing fully that Gandalf was nothing of that sort but that this kind of speech always made him uneasy, for he felt that it might end up as a gossip and ruin his reputation as a wizard.  
  
"Now now............ I would never...."  
  
Irulan quickly held up her hand, "Spare me the details, Gandalf! I certainly am yet too young to hear them."  
  
"You are one impossible girl!"  
  
"One that you can not wield with all your charm, that's for sure. I heard that you were coming. It has been very long indeed. Too long," Irulan said.  
  
"Yes, I was traveling about." Irulan's eyes glittered with excitement, "You will tell me about that, yes?"  
  
"Hmmm..............." Gandalf creased his brows and looked very serious for a moment, "I don't know really. Let us say that we may exchange information. I have not heard anything about you during my travels for some time now. You have been suspiciously quiet since that dragon incident."  
  
Irulan rolled her eyes, "Well my father does not send me away since that anymore, that's why! It is making me crazy! I did not know the dragon would actually chase the darn thing!"  
  
"What a misfortune that a whole town stood in its way!" sighed Gandalf.  
  
"Well, it was more like a little village actually.... And it was not a big dragon..... compared to others anyway."  
  
"I heard otherwise."  
  
"That's because they never saw the other ones!"  
  
"Let's just hope that you won't pay another visit any time soon, then."  
  
"What dragon incident?" said another voice behind her. Gandalf smiled brightly and walked up to greet Legolas. "My dear friend! How wonderful to find you here as well."  
  
'That elf always creeps about in that sinister fashion,' Irulan thought bitterly. 'Someone should tell him that it is rude to walk on people like that without them knowing it.'  
  
Legolas and Gandalf were heartily exchanging greetings. Legolas had told her that they had been friends for many years now, but seeing them together like that was indeed a heart-warming experience. True friendship was such a rare thing! She envied their freedom to walk around in Middle Earth undisguised. She envied them coming together even after many years and talking about the most wondrous things they had seen or done. And here she was, sitting in a stone castle with people like accursed Endor around her, unable to do anything with her skill, unable to make any difference in the world. All she could do was go out training in the forest and run off into the city to attend some games. Ah yes, let's not forget visiting her friends living there! It was growing thin and repetitive. She felt no satisfaction in her life. And it was only getting worse. Yes, the talking was nice and the people were nice, but she was through with talking. She wanted to DO something, damn it!  
  
"Are you all right Irulan? You look like you ate something that refuses to go down our throat," she heard Gandalf say.  
  
Irulan smiled. "It is but only kind words. I thought about uttering them for a minute there, but not wishing to ruin my repetition, changed my mind and decided to swallow."  
  
Legolas smiled brightly. "What is this incidence about a dragon?"  
  
"Oh," Irulan stammered, "well.... what dragon? You must have misheard us."  
  
"Irulan," said Gandalf softly, "he is an elf. That does not happen to them."  
  
"I am beginning to have second thoughts about elves," she said bitterly.  
  
Legolas was grinning now. "I would not want to keep you, princess. Your father is calling for you. Do not worry, I am sure Gandalf can tell me the story himself."  
  
Irulan's eyes widened. She glanced at Gandalf who was filling his infamous pipe with a very amused look on his face. "I am sure that a wizard and an elven prince who just met after many years have much more important things to discuss," she said slowly, "things that concern the future of Middle Earth, for instance."  
  
"Do we, my friend?" asked Legolas in all innocence.  
  
"I have nothing to say on those matters, Legolas. How about you?"  
  
Legolas shrugged. (Even a shrug looked graceful when he did it!) "Not really."  
  
They both turned to her. "You see princess," said Gandalf with a widening smile, "that is the general misconception about the likes of us............. in fact, we prefer just cheap and dirty gossip."  
  
Irulan threw up her hands, "I warned you Gandalf. That is called betraying the trust of a very dangerous girl in my book!"  
  
"Speaking of books!" said Gandalf and slowly opened his tattered bag. He took a dusty and very thick book out which looked like half of its pages were torn and stuffed back in randomly. "I believe you asked for this?"  
  
Irulan's eyes widened with joy. She slowly approached the outstretched book and took it from the old man. "You DID find it!" she whispered in amazement.  
  
"It was not easy, Irulan. And I did it at the expense of a library, for your information. As a matter of fact, I stole it from the library and that was a dangerous task! I, Gandalf the wizard! The library keeper was not too far from an orc and she gave me this look when she suspected............." But his words were cut off when she jumped up to hug him. Even Legolas was taken aback and stepped back a few steps, chuckling. "Gandalf the Grey! I love you!" she screamed. "Alright Irulan, you are breaking my bones!" he stuttered.  
  
"Oh," she said and quickly stepped back. 'She looks like a little child', thought Legolas, 'with stars in her eyes'. "Have to go to my father now. I'll see you later!" She started to walk away, obviously resisting the urge to run when she stopped all of a sudden and turned to Legolas "Where are my manners! Please forgive me Pr- Legolas. Good day!" And this time she was running.  
  
Legolas and Gandalf stared after her. "Children!" mumbled Gandalf.  
  
"How well do you know her, Gandalf?" asked Legolas still looking in the direction Irulan had disappeared. Gandalf smiled deftly "Well enough to say that she is quite something," he said, "like I know you well enough to say that the look in your face is not one I have come across before, my friend."  
  
Legolas snapped out of his trance. "I find her.............. interesting," he said shyly.  
  
"Indeed," said Gandalf, "and so she is, my friend. So she is." 


	12. The World Stopped Making Sense

"I can not believe that you actually managed to convince my father," she said.  
  
"He did not need very much convincing, Irulan," said Legolas. They were in the forest, by the hut of her Chemarit which was built right next to a very large tree. They were sitting between its roots, on soft grass that was somewhat withered with the heat of summer. She had pinned her hair up and was wearing a white linen dress because the summer sun was particularly strong today. Legolas was in his usual green and brown soft tunics. He had asked very politely if it was possible for him to join her in her forest "reserve" and Irulan had agreed a bit hesitantly. After all, nobody else had ever seen the place but her and Chemarit. It was sort of private in that way. But sitting under the tree and talking to Legolas, she became glad that she had accepted.  
  
"But I fear that you might," he added after a while.  
  
Irulan looked at him "Why do you say that?"  
  
"I feel that you might think less of me because of my actions. The fact that I have not told you before that I had followed you to the games........... and the incidence at the wedding. Have I damaged your trust in me, Irulan?"  
  
She looked away. In fact, she had been a bit mad at that. No, correction, she had been QUITE mad at that. And yes, it was completely devastating to find out that someone you liked so much had been playing you for a fool all the time - although Legolas fiercely objected to that comment.  
  
"Well.... I found it a bit............. disappointing to tell the truth. You really could have told me," she said carefully. Legolas had such a hurt look on his face. Not fair! How can anyone say anything when he looked like that! It was easy enough with men.... but with elves........... they were so fragile. And Legolas was such a nice one....  
  
'Are you not acting a bit too innocent for your own standards, princess?' seeped in her alter ego's voice smoothly. She held her breath. This time, she decided, she would not answer at all. Answering it made it only stronger. 'Very well.... I can do the whole conversation by myself then. More time for me,' it said. Irulan tried to empty her mind. But the voice seemed to be unaffected by it. 'Now let's see..... ah yes, the poor elf! Indeed! As if you are talking about a puppy, Irulan! We both know that you feel a LITTLE BIT more than that for this Legolas. And cut that crap about not wanting to hurt him. The truth is, you are not mad anymore. And you have been desperately trying to build the anger back up, yet you have failed. So now he is here, being simply the adorable creature that he is, and you want to be angry and unaffected, yet you can't. Breathe if I am right.'  
  
"Alright that's enough," she said suddenly. Legolas blinked in surprise.  
  
"I mean............. I mean it is enough about the subject," said Irulan hastily. "No need to keep bringing it up."  
  
'Liar,' hissed the voice in her head. 'Isn't it a bit sick that I am having this conversation?' she wondered suddenly.  
  
"Then I take it that you are not too angry with me?" Legolas insisted.  
  
"No............." she said and after a short moment added with a sigh "I wish I could be. But you have been too kind to me. I guess I have a weakness for that," she smiled.  
  
Legolas thought she was even more beautiful when she smiled. He was well aware that Irulan was actually not very beautiful neither by elvish, nor human standards (she was a goddess by orcish standards, but that has nothing to do with the subject), but she was the most charming and attractive woman he had ever met. Simply because she was not trying to be charming and attractive. Many thought that beauty was the most important element of attraction. But after three millennia, Legolas was wise enough to know what mortal men had unfortunately never had and would never have the time to discover - the fact that attraction had nothing to do with beauty. It had to do with spirit. And how the spirit emanates from each and every person.  
  
"I have to say though," added Irulan slyly, "my ideas about the elves have changed quite a bit in these last few days. You are not as fair and innocent as you pretend you are."  
  
Legolas laughed out loud. "Oh my! So you have seen through us! It is something no other mortal had managed to do yet."  
  
"Well I guess no other mortal went through what I went through."  
  
"That is because you are one of a kind," Legolas said softly. 'Alright now. I hate it when he talks like that. And in that tone! I swear he does it on purpose, knowing I can not help being affected.' Irulan looked down and just concentrated on the serious and grave task of not blushing, which, to her very annoyance, had become her new habit lately.  
  
"Is that the book Gandalf brought you?" Legolas asked to break the silence. He loved to see her blush, but did not want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way when she was with him.  
  
"Oh yes," said Irulan and picked up the large book that was lying behind her. Legolas dusted off the cover with his slender fingers. "The History and Ways of..... Darma Druids?" he said in surprise. "Why would you want to read this?" he added after a moment.  
  
"Because I am hoping to become one!" she said with twinkles in her eyes.  
  
Legolas smiled softly "But there are no Darma Druids left. They died out a long time ago. They were a myth to begin with, but even that myth is rather old now. In fact, I did not know that any mortal was aware of them."  
  
"I just can't believe that the tradition of a whole people can die out," she said. "It is........not possible. True, maybe they are not like they are described in that book anymore, but certainly some of it must be living still somewhere."  
  
"Irulan............. even if they still exist -which I very much doubt, for the elves would certainly be aware of it- why would you want to join them?"  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Irulan a bit irritated.  
  
Legolas sighed and thought about how to choose the words. "You learn all these skills.............this knowledge...............you fill yourself up with words and capacity for many things. Yet...............what if you will never be able to use it? Will it not begin to destroy you? I fear that all this might find no true expression in the life you are leading, in the life that you are forced to lead as heir to the throne, and that it will begin to hurt you from within."  
  
"I fear that too," whispered Irulan. "Yet............I can not give it up. It is the only thing that binds me to life. I can not be like others, I can not change who I am. I was always the person that I am now. I tried, but I failed to change myself, Legolas," she said sadly.  
  
"Well then," said Legolas merrily a moment later, "we shall have to change the world to make it more suitable for you!"  
  
Irulan laughed. "We certainly have to do that! I fear that you men will not like the new order though. The women will be very much like me!"  
  
"In that case, I am thankful for my immortality. For I would like to live in such a world forever," Legolas said slowly.  
  
'Don't do that,' thought Irulan. And she realized that she could not look away. His gaze seemed to have captured her. She could not breathe either. She realized that she had been wrong by thinking that elves were cool and expressionless. You just needed to look in their eyes. It was all there! The rays of sunlight on strange flowers, the soft knee-high grass bending under the winds on wide prairies, the meeting of friends that have not seen each other for lifetimes, arrows raining down from the sky like tiny burning stars, trees that seemed to cover the whole sky, reaching to the clouds.. every sight captured by these eyes in thousands of years was still there. His eyes alone were a complete, independent, living world. She tried to look away again, but it was against the very rules of nature. It was impossible. 'Don't do that,' she thought again, 'it is very cruel and very un-gentlemanly and completely unfair and so not right...............' But that's as far as she got cause in that very moment Legolas swiftly leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips.  
  
It lasted only a moment, but that moment was enough to turn the universe upside down and then back up again. Only everything, everything fell apart in this process and everything landed somewhere where it should not! The world became a strange and unknown territory. All natural rules stopped and began spinning backwards. She felt the Irulan as she knew her being torn away, only to be replaced by a new Irulan, who was completely foreign to her in every way. Never in her life had she been so afraid and yet so uncaring about her fear. All opposites existed at once and then merged into one.  
  
Legolas had moved back and was watching her with the expression of a child about to receive a slap. She wanted to react, but she seemed unable to break this trance. 'He must have put a spell on me,' her mind protested, 'why can't I move?'  
  
"I............. I am sorry," Legolas said suddenly. "I mean I am not, but I..... should have asked," he said. He seemed very much like a completely lost and very confused.. ELF? But it was alright, because the world had stopped making sense altogether anyway. "I feel terrible. I have never lost control like that before. Please forgive me," he stammered.  
  
Irulan was madly trying to take control of things again. Her feelings, her heart, her brain, her pulse all seemed to have run to different directions and she did not know which one to chase. "There is nothing to forgive," she heard herself say, but she sounded distant and strange.  
  
Legolas was looking at the ground, unable to look at her. "It is a terrible thing for an elf to do. I have not asked your permission," he whispered. He looked like he wanted to spring up and run into the forest to disappear and never come back. Legolas the mighty warrior, who was three thousand years old, looked very very scared. But that was okay, since the world stopped making sense altogether.  
  
"Please Legolas," managed Irulan slowly, "it was but only a kiss." Legolas looked up into her eyes and right there and then she knew that it was anything but that. It was a big, old, rusted wheel that was connected to another, which was connected yet to another; and so on so forth............. and it had made this tiny movement that was making all the other ones move one by one until everything would spin off out of control. "An elf kissed me," she thought, "and the world has changed forever."  
  
***  
  
Legolas was riding back to Mirkwood. He was surrounded by his other companions who were a bit worried about the silent confusion that streamed out of the prince. But he was not aware of their worry. In fact he was not even aware of their presence. It might sound like an everyday thing for a human, but it was beyond unusual for an elf.  
  
In his mind, Legolas was still sitting underneath the tree with Irulan who looked more marvelous than any sunset he had seen, any storm he had witnessed, any season he had lived through in three thousand years. She was but a mortal woman! A barbarian! And maybe much more so than any other mortal woman (and most mortal men, he suspected). She was the member of a dangerous race, merely a child walking around in sheer ignorance and utter carelessness. Humans! Rude, brutal, selfish humans. Humans; who were proud of their brains, yet seldom used it and were true slaves to those tumultuous emotions that seemed to surge through them with unbelievable pace. Humans; who cared not about the world, about other races, even about each other! Humans; so utterly, definitely, most certainly..... what? The words evaded him. He could not, WOULD not, attach himself to such a creature. It was folly to think that an elf and a mortal could..... what? He was no child, he was beyond infatuation. He could not fall for a human. He could not feel.... what?  
  
And yet, when Irulan looked up in his mind's eye, her eyes became the very winds that swept all those thoughts away in an instant. But that was alright, since the world had stopped making sense altogether.  
  
***  
  
Irulan was looking out her window, in the direction the elves had disappeared. "Somebody must have really put a curse on me," she thought bitterly. "Irulan, daughter of Kanduin, shall meet the most appealing men in the world of men and yet remain unaffected, for she shall fall for an elf!"  
  
"So not true!" she mumbled a moment later. "I am not falling anywhere. Or for anyone. I would probably feel the same way if any other elf kissed me. It is just strange for an elf and a mortal woman, that's all."  
  
"And where is that stupid voice now?" she thought teasingly. "Sure, shut up like that. Desert me too, especially now that I am alone!" But she was not alone. Or rather, she had always been alone and that had never bothered her before. It was ridiculous to feel alone now just because an elf -whom she barely knew, by the way- had left!  
  
"Fine!" she protested and threw herself on her bed. "I will go to Mirkwood soon, anyway. And voice, if you dare to speak then, you will be in BIG trouble!"  
  
Little did Irulan know that she would not go to Mirkwood for many many years and that it would be completely changed along with the rest of the world when she finally does. Neither did she know that she would not see Legolas for another five years again and that they would meet under the gravest and oddest of circumstances; and that she was now nothing like the Irulan she was to become when they would see each other again. Their ways had parted already and each was heading in different directions, but they were unaware of it yet. But who knows what the future is cooking for us before it lands on our face, right? 


	13. I am Ready to Bid Farewell

"This is a dream. I am dreaming. It looks and sounds real, yes, but it CAN NOT be real! I will wake up soon enough and resume my life from where I left off".  
  
"Irulan" came a soft voice from nearby. "You have to be strong my daughter". Lady Amargath was standing next to her, her hand on Irulan's shoulder, softly squeezing it.  
  
"This is a dream" thought Irulan again, "I am but only asleep".  
  
"It is for your own good" said her father's voice, softer now. "Please Irulan, you must see.........."  
  
"No" she whispered. Lady Amargath stiffened beside her slightly. A silence stretched out. "Dream or no" she thought, "I will not bend".  
  
"No" she said out loud again and looked up to her father. King Kanduin was sitting on his throne. His long blonde hair was flowing from beneath the slender crown he had on. He looked tired and sad. And yet, determined as ever. He looked a long time at Irulan, who just stared back with a stubbornness that proved that they were kin. He sighed again. "Irulan, please my daughter............"  
  
"I said NO" she snapped. Amargath quickly removed her hand and walked up to the throne. She looked like she wanted to go and hide behind her husband, but after reaching him, she merely turned around and stood there, looking at her daughter with sad eyes.  
  
"Irulan" rose the voice of Kanduin, and she could feel the temper and anger underneath it. Yet, she was not going to, COULD not back down.  
  
"I will never EVER in a thousand years and for ANY price marry HIM!" she interrupted him again. And against all odds, finally found the ability to move again. She took a step towards the throne. "It is FINAL!" she hissed.  
  
Kanduin was barely holding back. He knew that this would be difficult, yet he was the KING, damn it! And daughter or no, she would bend to his will. How was he supposed to rule a kingdom when he could not rule his own family? "That is ENOUGH" he thundered back. Amargath jumped beside him ever so slightly. "You will do what you are told! You have obviously lived too long pretending to be someone else and have forgotten that you are the daughter of a KING! That you have responsibilities to your kingdom and your throne! That shall change from this very moment on!"  
  
"That is EXACTLY why I refuse!" Irulan screamed back. She felt her anger tearing up her heart and pushing up tears to her eyes. Yet she would not cry! She would not cry! "It is in my kingdom's interest that I never marry that wrenched, disgusting............."  
  
"Irulan!" snapped her father.  
  
".......... low, wormy.................."  
  
"I am telling you to stop, girl!"  
  
"........... distorted..."  
  
"I said stop!" ye yelled  
  
".... DISGRACE of a man called ENDOR!" she finished and it sounded like the whole kingdom must have heard that last part. Her eyes were pools of hatred. She had clenched her fists and her nails were biting into her palms. Her face was an obvious shade of crimson, getting deeper by the moment.  
  
"NO! NO! NO! NO!" she yelled again and ran out of the throne room, for she felt like nothing, not the whole will-power of the world could stop the tears running down her cheeks now.  
  
"Come back this minute!" she heard her father yelling after her, but it was too late. The dream had ended. She had woken up to bitter reality.  
  
***  
  
It is the fate of all. And yet more so for a woman. And even more so for a woman in Middle Earth. And it was catching up with her. She had always longed for more freedom and felt trapped in her life as a princess. Yet we never know how worse it could actually be until we lose whatever little we have. So Irulan realized how stupid she had been. She had been complaining, dissatisfied, constantly wishing for some other life. Yet she had been blessed with a freedom granted to very few people that shared her position. She had believed to be caged, but all that time the cage's door had been open for her to fly out and back in any time she wished. Now that a mighty, cruel hand had closed it, she knew what it REALLY meant to be trapped.  
  
It was inevitable, really. She had been only fooling herself all this time. Learning combat skills, running off to adventures, disguising herself as a man and choosing a way of entertainment that was forbidden for her gender... All that had made her feel like she was in control. And yet, she was not. She never really had been. She had been a puppet on strings, given somewhat longer strings to move about more easily, that's all. Now the puppet master had other plans for her and he was pulling mercilessly. There was no way out for her. She would dance as he pleased.  
  
Unless.....  
  
Irulan looked up to Chemarit's grave. It was twilight, almost dark now. But she could make out the block of stone clearly enough. "HERE LIES A MAN FREE OF JUDGMENT" was inscribed upon it. She had written it herself. "Indeed" she whispered, "the ONLY man free of judgment. And he is no longer by my side".  
  
She looked up to the starry sky. It was still summer time and yet she could smell the autumn in the air. She remembered that there was another obnox race in the city today. But she would not attend it. She would never attend another obnox race again. A light, warm breeze came up and rustled her hair. She leaned a bit further on her staff and looked down at the grave again.  
  
"Master" she whispered, "what shall I do? Must I lose everything and everyone to become myself?" The grave did not answer. Only the sound of crickets and frogs could be heard faintly in the distance. Irulan sighed. "How much must I sacrifice for the freedom of my soul?" She stood there a long time, thinking, listening, remembering. She stood until the moon came up and bore through the darkness that was settling in all around her. She stood until the warm breezes became chilly winds. Finally she said "I am ready to bid farewell Master. May you find the peace that has forsaken me" With that, she walked back to the castle and did not turn to look back. She would never see the grave of her master again.  
  
***  
  
"Dear Father...." she wrote. Then stopped. Shouldn't she be addressing her whole family? No, just the father. And forget about the "dear" part! She scratched out the "dear" and went on.  
  
"Father...." - 'I wonder if I should put an exclamation mark' she thought. 'Don't want it to sound too soft'. But then, the last letter of a person would sound soft, or no? She decided against the exclamation mark.  
  
"Father..... I am leaving". 'Duh!" she slapped herself in the forehead. "That's the whole point. Don't write the obvious, girl. It is rather obvious that you mean to, since you leave a LETTER!"  
  
Irulan sat for a long time, the feather in her hand, scribbling, muttering, scratching, cursing, then writing some more. Finally she came up with a good enough rough draft (which, in fact, consisted only of a few sentences). Satisfied, she copied it to a clean sheet and burned the other one. She then got up and changed her clothes. She checked her bag again. everything seemed to be there. She turned to look at her room for the last time. "Another one of those days' she thought. 'Though the walls don't care'. These walls had seen so much of her life. They had silently waited through her fits, stared down at her when she woke up from nightmares, echoed her sighs when she had felt distressed and sad, kept the world out when she needed to be alone. Now they would see her leaving, never to come back again. "Well we had fun, did we not?" she said softly and smiled. Then she veiled herself, grabbed her bag and her staff and began climbing down the vine.  
  
***  
  
It was the worst day in the life of King Kanduin. He was sitting on his throne, looking down at what lay at this feet. The sounds of sighs, cries and moans were running through the chamber. The room was full with people, but he had never felt so alone in his entire life. He looked back down at the blood covered gown of her daughter. A blood covered and cracked staff was lying next to it. One of her sandals, a few strands of her beautiful hair... He bit his lip to swallow down the tears that were coming up again. He looked at the parchment in his shaking hand again. He had read it countless times for three days now........ and yet hoped that this was just a nightmare he would wake up from.  
  
"Father,....."  
  
Irulan stepped down from the horse and stroked it's neck softly. The animal was afraid of the deep abyss before it. It was dark and the wind was howling in the empty flat plains. She walked over to the edge and peered down. She could not see the bottom of it but she had seen it so many times, she did not need to. The Valley of Bones.  
  
"I am leaving you. But where I go, you can not follow".  
  
Irulan went back to the horse and unfastened her bag. She took out the gown and her sandals. She went to the other side of the saddle and unfastened another, much bigger bag. The horse neighed softly in relief. She dragged that one towards the edge and opened it. The stink of meat hit her all of a sudden.  
  
"I can not marry Endor. You must forgive me for that. Yet I know that I failed to persuade you otherwise. So you must also forgive me for what I mean to do".  
  
She took the dress and started ripping it. She ripped it roughly into three pieces and then rolled it up and began wiping the cloth on the parts and pieces of whatever poor animals was in the bag (she suspected that it was actually not only one animal. It looked more like a "little bit of everything"). She took it out and inspected it in the dim moonlight. Yes, it was truly covered in blood.  
  
"I hope you will understand some day. I wished to be a good heir to our throne, but I realize now that this was not to be".  
  
She smeared her hands in the blood and tried to leave imprints on the dress. Then she grabbed the staff and made sure that she had left imprints on that one as well. Then she cleaned her hands on the bag and stood up. She took out the knife from her belt and cut off her hair from the shoulder down. She put a part of that into the pieces of the dress and a part she smeared onto the pieces of meat. The rest she threw down the cliff and watched the wind carrying it off.  
  
"I bid farewell to you and to my family. Do not mourn for me, for I am certain that we shall meet again in another life.  
  
Your daughter, Irulan......"  
  
Irulan threw the staff and the pieces of gown down separately, hoping they would end up a bit apart from each other. She smeared the sandals with blood as well and threw them down too. Then she took the heavy pieces of animal flesh and threw them down as well. She knew that the dress and most probably the staff would be found. They would also find the blood stains on the rocks. The meat however would be gone before noon next day. The hungry beasts down there would probably see to it that not even bones remained. And what was left of them, the vultures would take care of (And thankfully, FBI did not exist in the Middle Earth).  
  
She fastened both bags to the saddle again and mounted the horse. It was not too used to her yet, because she had to buy it from a dealer at the market a short while ago. Irulan patted it's neck again. "We'll get used to each other in no time" she whispered softly. She looked one last time at the dark rift that seemed to be opened up in an eternal yawn before her. Everyone knew that Irulan liked The Valley of Bones. She came often to this eerie piece of land to climb. It had the steepest rocks and the most challenging climbing routes of the kingdom. They would eventually look for her here as well. They would find no tracks of her leaving throughout the whole plains, for the wind was too strong here throughout the whole year, and swept off all tracks for miles in a few hours.  
  
She thought about her father. She tried to imagine him reading the letter she had left behind and her heart stirred with pain. She thought about Analia and Enaia, about her mother. Stampa and Saime. of Chemarit, Harkey. and Eprim.... she tried to imagine the rather painful incidences she had with them. How they had hurt her or driven her to pure anger.... but she could not remember a single one. On the contrary, to her dismay, all she could remember about each one was the good times. How they had put up with her, how they had played along, how they had helped her, defended her, hugged her, comforted her, supported her..... "Ah stop it Irulan!" she thought bitterly.  
  
Then she thought about Legolas. His memory hit her like a slap in the face and oddly she felt sadder to leave him than any other. Her heart reached out for him. "I wonder what he is doing right now?" she thought. "Maybe he is watching the night sky, maybe he is with his friends, camped around a fire in the woods... or in his room, sleeping?"  
  
A part of her wanted him to know that she was not dead, that she was leaving towards a new life, the life she had always hoped for. But she could not risk that. Like she could not risk telling anyone else. No one, NO ONE should know, or thinking that they are doing her good, sooner or later one or the other would give away her secret and then someone would come after her. If a single soul knew, she would never be free. No, let them believe that she died. Let Legolas believe it too. It was not meant to be, anyway. It had been a dream, nothing more.  
  
She left out a long sigh and smiled. 'Am I sad?' she thought dreamily, 'Am I happy?' "I am content" she said softly to herself. "Irulan is dead. Long live Irulan". Then she turned the horse and raced back into the darkness as a girl with no name.  
  
***  
  
"How can that be?! I will not believe it" whispered Legolas. The world had stopped. He felt an intense pain in his heart and in his lungs that took his breath away. He wanted to bend over and sit down on the floor. "No, there must be some mistake!" he said with a strong voice.  
  
"There is no mistake, my friend" Gandalf said sadly. He took off his pointed hat and looked away, over the balcony into the glorious city of the Mirkwood elves. The soft light of a beautiful day was seeping through the dense branches of the immensely tall trees of Mirkwood. He hated to bear ill news on days as beautiful as this.  
  
"I do not believe it!" said Legolas once again, this time with fire in his eyes. "He walked off a few steps and grabbed the railing of the elegant balcony. "She was not one to take her own life!" he said with a voice filled with anger, confusion, determination and sadness all at the same time. He turned to the wizard, "Gandalf, it must be...."  
  
"Legolas" Gandalf cut him off slowly. He walked closer and put his hands on the elven prince's shoulders. He had seldom seen an elf expressing this much emotion and he did not know quite how to handle that. It made everything more difficult than it already was. "Legolas" he sighed again, "I wish there was a mistake. I too wish that this was a misunderstanding. But it can not be. Her staff was there as well, my friend. She would never part from that staff - it was the only gift of Chemarit".  
  
Legolas gulped and looked down. He tried to grasp death, as he had tried countless times before, but it refused to be understood. It evaded him. He could not understand mortality, very much like a fish could not understand water. He closed his eyes and finally giving in to acceptance, muttered an elvish prayer to her soul. "She was so young" he whispered.  
  
"I know" said Gandalf gravely, "they all are, my friend". 


	14. Interlude

Increscunt animi, visrescit volnere virtus  
  
(The spirit grows, strength is restored by wounding)  
  
  
  
5 years later..  
  
  
  
The Ring of Power was found.  
  
Like a fin in deep blue water, Sauron was coming towards Middle Earth, slowly moving in, pushing aside the ocean to do it.  
  
All that was good, just and fair stood at the brink of destruction. All that was evil, unjust and wicked was ready for a final leap for air from the abyss it had been sent to.  
  
And yet, it was the familiar repetition of history. Like many many times before and like countless times afterwards, the creatures of this world had turned restless and against each other. They had grown suspicious, sly and cruel. The great kingdoms of men where the just served had fallen and where once the symbols of grandeur stood, there were now only moss covered broken walls, solitary and spent. The elves were leaving Middle Earth, sailing towards the Undying Lands. Their virtue was not welcome or needed anymore in a world that had turned bitter. And even though many had not left yet, their names were swiftly vanishing from history and mind alike....... they were becoming fabled creatures and their deeds were fading from lips and heart.  
  
There is only one thing that can reunite a broken world - the fear of a hammer.  
  
When the threat of Sauron took roots in the hearts of the beings in Middle Earth, they finally forgot their differences and their fights and once again -though unknowingly so- united against the shadow to bring back the light. A threat on the lives of all had animated once again the past and forgotten bonds.  
  
It was a time to remember, for these are the times that crack the thick outer shell of heroes and make them draw breath. A hero is like any other man. He or she can walk by you on the street, sit next to you for a drink and you would never notice. There is absolutely no difference between the hero and the worthless man that can be detected by eye alone. Many heroes have vices while many worthless men live a life of virtue. Neither know their value or their insignificance. Neither care to know. Both are like cocoon creatures - sleeping, waiting, hoping to be awakened from this deep slumber. And it is in the face of such times a cocoon is ripped and a worthless man perishes with the assault of light while the hero arises and spreads his wings.  
  
Though they did not know it themselves yet, heroes were arising in Middle Earth and following their own individual paths, which crisscrossed and parted, met and divided. Some crossed once and were never seen crossing again, while others met here and there continuously, constantly overlapping. Some were straight and short while others were drawing circles and immensely long ribbons around Middle-Earth. Some always traveled together while others never liked the company and forever remained solitary. In whatever way or shape, these paths flowed in and out of each other, changing and shaping the history of Middle Earth constantly. Rivendell, the House of Elrond, was such a meeting point of paths. 


	15. A Ghost of the Past

"It has been long indeed, son of Thandruil!" said Aragorn with sincerity to Legolas and Gandalf who were standing in the corner of the room, talking softly. Legolas' eyes lit up at the sight of Aragorn. He swiftly walked up to him and met him halfway and they shook hands in the old fashion - by grabbing each other's forearm just above the wrist, instead the hands. "And it is good to see you, my friend" he said in his beautiful voice. He knitted his brows then and looked the man up and down, "You look worse every time I see you, Aragorn. How do you do that?"  
  
Aragorn grinned slowly "I'll tell you if you tell me how you look exactly the same every time I see YOU, Legolas".  
  
Legolas grinned as well. "Come, we have been talking with Gandalf about this grave issue that lies ahead of us" he said and they both walked up to Gandalf who was sucking thoughtfully on the pipe in his mouth, unaware that it had grown cold quite a while ago.  
  
"It is good to see familiar and trusted faces in this crowd" Aragorn said slowly and moved closer to avoid being heard.  
  
"Do you not trust these men?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Aragorn does not trust anyone" said Gandalf with a smile.  
  
Aragorn laughed lightly, "I trust one or two. And that is far more than usual in these dark times" he added a bit bitterly.  
  
"I can relate" said Legolas and they followed his gaze to the dwarves who were keeping among themselves and throwing suspicious looks to everyone else. Especially the elves.  
  
"Dark times indeed" said Gandalf slowly. "But Elrond is right. We must fight together, for divided we will fall. This mistrust is what Sauron is trying to forge into us. We must overcome it. I can only hope that we can achieve this at the meeting of the council, tomorrow".  
  
His company nodded in agreement. Suddenly a wave of soft whispers traveled through the room. All three turned to look at the entrance which seemed to be the source of it.  
  
In walked a figure all clad in black. He was of middle statue, shorter than most in the room, with wide shoulders and an athletic built. His black tunic reached down to his knees and was covered with a black leather vest around the chest. His arms and shoulders as well were covered with leather holsters and bands. Black soft gloves hid his hands. Black trousers were tucked into black leather boots. His face was covered with a dark veil, leaving only the eyes in the open, which could not be seen either, for they were under the cover of a large hood.  
  
"Behold", said Aragorn slowly, "the Black Knight has arrived".  
  
"THIS is the infamous Black Knight?" said Legolas with mild curiosity.  
  
"I have heard of him as well" said Gandalf and looked the man up and down. "But I never had the chance to meet him. He is well acquainted with the men of Gondor".  
  
"Yes, he fought many battles with them against the orcs that pour in from Mordor" said Aragorn with a soft voice that only the three of them could hear, "The men of Gondor admire him. But he is not bound to them. He is not bound to anyone. I have met him once in an inn. He knew who I was, though. Does not talk much, that fellow."  
  
The Black Knight passed by them slowly with a feral grace and went straight to the company of Boromir and his fellow men. Boromir seemed to be overjoyed to see him. He shook the Black Knight's arm heartily and introduced him to the other men.  
  
"Why would he be here?" asked Legolas. "He does not represent any kingdom or people". He did not like the fellow. Someone who had so much to hide about himself could surely not be a trustable fellow.  
  
"Obviously Elrond has a reason to invite him as well" said Gandalf. He looked over to the Knight again, who stood with a relaxed and yet reserved posture and was listening to Boromir. He rejected an offered drink. The Black Knight never ate or drank in public. "Odd fellow" mumbled Gandalf to himself.  
  
***  
  
The next day when he Council met to decide on the fate of Middle Earth, Legolas realized with mild dislike that the Black Knight had already taken his place in the circle that was reserved for so few in Middle Earth. He was sitting next to Boromir, with the men of Gondor. "Who can tell that there is no orc underneath that garment" he thought suspiciously. "Looks like a black adder to me".  
  
He looked over to Gandalf who was patting Frodo on the shoulder. Frodo looked more tired and sad than excited or interested. A silence settled on the company as Elrond approached the circle and took his seat across it with two other elves. "Friends of Middle Earth" he began. Legolas listened intently. Until this very moment he had hoped that he was wrong about the gravity of the situation. It seemed a bad joke that the One Ring was found after so many years. True, the elves had been feeling the change in the world for some time now, but nobody suspected that Sauron, who was now only a myth of the past, could rise and regain his power once again. He was not present in the last battle when Isildur defeated the Dark Lord, he was born a few years after that. But he had heard much about those times. And those stories did not sound good at all.  
  
However, when Frodo approached and presented the ring, he knew that all was true. An unspeakable evil emanated from that thing. He could feel it in his bones even though he was sitting at a comfortable distance from it. He glanced from face to face and realized that all seemed to go through the same feelings. Frodo seemed relieved while Gandalf's looks were sad and wary. Aragorn seemed to be struggling to believe that this was really happening while the dwarves exchanged suspicious and excited looks. Boromir had an oddly glad expression and the Black Knight......... the Black Knight was looking at him and swiftly turned his head before their eyes could meet.  
  
Legolas now liked him even less. "I hope Elrond has good reasons to invite such a man to a meeting like this" he thought with a tinge of anger. He seemed to be waiting in the shadows, always watching, thinking, scheming. So far he had been unable to detect any expression of emotion from him and that only added to his dislike. Only an elf could be that neutral......... "Could he be an elf?" he wondered all of a sudden, shocked about the possibility of that thought. But an elf would not.............No....... he could not be. He quickly discarded the idea. But he neither looked nor "felt" like other men either. He stirred uncomfortably in his seat and realized that Boromir was on his feet now, trying to convince the council to use the ring. No one seemed to be happy about that idea.  
  
The son of Gondor was -as were many men- very much under the pressure of his emotions. He was forced to back up with the tumultuous rage of Gandalf. "And what would a Ranger know about this" he said bitterly when Aragorn spoke his mind.  
  
Legolas immediately jumped to his feet. "That is no mere ranger. He is Argorn, son of Arathorn" he said with fury. Men! Always speaking before thinking. Did their own line of kings mean nothing to them anymore? Everyone turned in surprise to Aragorn who seemed to be a little bit uncomfortable with the exposure.  
  
"Aragorn? THIS is Isildur's heir?" Boromir said with displeasure.  
  
"And heir to the throne of Gondor" added Legolas levelly.  
  
Then that stupid dwarf actually tried to smash the ring -the Ring of Power!- with his axe! Legolas felt as if the axe had shattered on his own head! He grabbed the arms of the chair wincing from the pain and the anger. After that all hell broke lose. Everyone jumped to his feet, yelling. He had barely time to hold his friends back who were more than upset about the remarks of the rude dwarves.  
  
And to his utter amazement, Frodo the Hobbit came up in all the chaos and volunteered to be the ringbearer. He felt a sudden respect for this boy. Gandalf stood up and promised his support. Then Aragorn pledged the same.  
  
He stood up next with determination. There was not the slightest doubt in his mind that this was where he belonged. He would have gone anywhere with Gandalf and Aragorn, but aside from this, this quest required his skills and he was more than willing to offer them for a cause like this. "And my bow" he said, walked over and stood by Gandalf.  
  
To his utter demise, the dwarf joined them as well, followed by Boromir. Suddenly all the other hobbits ran in. Elrond had indeed a funny expression for such a wise elf when they ran past him to take their place next to their friend Frodo. Just when they seemed to be complete, a new voice echoed: "And I my staff". It was the first time he heard his voice, which had a neutral, even boyish tinge to it. 'I would expect a hissing' he thought bitterly. The Black Knight walked towards them. He stood to the very edge of the group, his legs spread apart. Even the hobbits seemed to be intimidated by him. 'His staff?' thought Legolas, 'that does not even sound much of a use. And I have not seen him carrying one either'. The only weapon he could see on the man was a sword with a very narrow blade and a curious, mild curve. He had a short thick stick that seemed to be made of a dull metal strapped to his belt, but he could not imagine the curious object to be a deadly weapon. He glanced at Gandalf, who looked back with an unreadable expression.  
  
"You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring" Elrond blessed them. 'If Elrond agrees to his presence, and if Gandalf will not object to it, I must accept it as well' he thought. But he would certainly keep an eye on this fellow.  
  
***  
  
So the fellowship set out. They traveled on foot and this finally gave him the chance to travel beyond Rivendell, as he had been wishing to do for a long time now. He had missed the rest of the world. He could barely remember the last time he had left Mirkwood or the neighborhood if it. The open plains and mountains and hills felt good to walk through. He loved the forest, yet living in it too long could become oppressive - even for an elf!  
  
The hobbits recovered easily from the grave atmosphere that had dominated the Council meeting in Rivendell and their departure. They had a close friendship, that much was easy to see, and they had no fear of expressing it. He was especially impressed by the love and loyalty between Frodo and Sam. Gandalf was in a good mood as well. Gimli (the dwarf) was always complaining and talking with that abrasive deep voice of his. There was tenseness between Boromir and Aragorn, which he could sense easily enough. Other than that, the fellowship seemed to be very harmonious.  
  
Oh yes... then there was the Black Knight. Aragorn was right, he did not talk much. He was switching places every now and then, moving up and down the line. He only talked to Boromir and spent just a couple of words with everyone else. Legolas sensed unrest in him, though he could not imagine why. After all, he was making everybody else timid with that outfit and his silence. He did not join their meals, eating apart from everyone else. And he still had not staff Legolas had seen of!  
  
On the third day when they had managed to put a good distance between themselves and Rivendell and when they decided to take yet another rest (Legolas had believed these rests to be rather unnecessary in the beginning, but then reminded himself that the company did not consist of elves) by the shade of a few trees that seemed to be the last before a long walk on hills and rocks, the unthinkable happened.  
  
***  
  
Gandalf was stuffing his pipe and everyone else was getting on with picking a place to sit or lie when he looked up with a different light in his blue eyes and said "I think it is time. You can take off that outfit now".  
  
Everyone froze in mid-action and looked up to see what the conversation was about. Gandalf's eyes did not leave the Black Knight who paused only for a moment and contrary to general expectance, slowly pulled down his hood and then began the process of unveiling himself. Everyone was holding their breath and looking at him as if Sauron himself would come out from below the tunic. Even Boromir seemed uneasy. Only Gandalf was puffing merrily on his pipe, with an expression that seemed closer to amusement than to anything else.  
  
He pulled the last strap out and lifted the cloth from his face. As a matter of fact, to everyone's utter horror and confusion, "from HER face" would be a more correct expression. For a woman was standing before them now! Her brown wavy hair was tied into a ponytail and now fell lazily off from her shoulders and reached her waist. She had a face with prominent cheekbones and jaw. It was not the oval and soft features of a beauty. Her eyes were brown and her brows a perfect arch. Yet she was beautiful, the way a panther was beautiful, probably.  
  
She smiled and threw down the cloth and began to take off her shoulder plates and her vest "I was worried that you would not ask, Gandalf" she said with a mild amusement in her tone, "it was getting too hot in this thing". And that's when everyone sprang to their feet.  
  
"What is going on here?" yelled Boromir.  
  
"Gandalf, who is this?" asked Frodo with a timid voice and moved slightly behind the wizard to seek safety.  
  
Merry and Pippin just jumped back a couple of steps, but then decided that the scene was too interesting to go any further and remained where they were.  
  
Sam was too baffled to say anything, but unconsciously moved in front of Frodo as if he meant to protect him.  
  
Aragorn had pulled out his sword and was scanning the woods as if he expected others to jump out of the trees any minute.  
  
Legolas stood there with one of his feet on a small boulder, with something like utter confusion in his face. He seemed to be unable to decide whether he should approach or fall back.  
  
Gimli's mouth had actually fallen open and he was only staring in obvious disbelief.  
  
"Gandalf........." pleaded Frodo again.  
  
"I demand......." began Boromir,  
  
"I do not see any others" was saying Aragorn.  
  
"How can that....be" whispered Legolas.  
  
"Is that.....what IS that Merry?" said Pippin.  
  
"... an explanation!" finished Boromir.  
  
"A human..... woman?" grumbled Gimli.  
  
And they were talking all at the same time, their voices getting louder and louder until Gandalf stood up and everyone stopped in mid sentence. The woman was still patiently removing the excess of her clothing. "May I ask how you knew?" she said softly, looking up at Gandalf now, completely ignoring everyone else.  
  
"Let us say.......... a wizard's instinct, Irulan".  
  
"A stealthy wizard indeed" she said and chuckled lightly.  
  
"Gentlemen!" said Gandalf out loud, although he did not really need to speak up any further. It was as quite as a cemetery at that moment. "Let me introduce, Princess Irulan, daughter of King Kanduin".  
  
Irulan's head shot up "I don't use that title anymore" she hissed softly.  
  
"She is what? A WHAT?" said Boromir.  
  
"What happened to the Black Knight?" said Merry.  
  
"Well is it not obvious by now?" she chimed merrily, and then added with a darker voice "I had to kill him to take his place".  
  
Frodo actually went white in the face and Boromir too pulled out his sword. He and Aragorn looked at each other. Gimli was reaching for his axe when Gandalf threw them a hard look and held up his hand "Don't be foolish! This IS the Black Knight". Another long silence followed.  
  
"I don't understand" said Aragorn very slowly.  
  
Irulan threw her hands up and that movement seemed to make everybody jump up slightly, "Gandalf! Shall I go and defeat Sauron single handedly while you explain? Looks like it will require an awful long of time!"  
  
Boromir moved forward stealthily, "Who are you?" he hissed. His face was a mask of anger and hate.  
  
Irulan merely looked at him. "Don't you recognize your brother in arms, son of Gondor?" she said with a cold voice.  
  
"You are not my brother in arms!" he spat. "You are a witch! What did you do to the Black Knight?"  
  
Irulan waved the argument away. "Ah well, I have been called worse".  
  
Legolas finally found his voice again. "Irulan......... how.......... you died." he said softly, the confusion in his face still persisting.  
  
"Riiiiiiiighht... a GHOST" whispered Merry in amazement.  
  
"Is this some evil sorcery, Gandalf?" yelled Gimli, not looking away from the dangerous creature in front of him.  
  
"Some fellowship!" muttered Irulan. She had finished undressing and stood now with the black tunic, the black breeches and the soft black leather boots only. The large shoulders and the bulky air created merely by vest over vest was gone. She looked very obviously a woman now. An athletic one, but a woman nevertheless.  
  
"Obviously I did not, Legolas" she said a bit impatiently. He was taken aback by her coldness and hardness. She looked like Irulan and he madly wished her to be, yet she seemed distant and foreign. He looked over at Gandalf helplessly. "Did you know?" he whispered.  
  
"No my friend" said Gandalf. "But I always suspected. You were right, she was not one to take her own life".  
  
"What in the name of hell are you TALKING about?!" screamed Boromir again.  
  
"Boromir" said Gandalf with a stern voice, "I know this is hard to understand for you right now. But the truth is, Pr- Irulan has been the Black Knight from the beginning and nothing has changed - she is still your friend and brother in arms. You said that you would trust her with your life more than once, and she is still that person. In time, you will find it easier to get used to". Boromir looked frantically from Gandalf to Irulan and back. "Sheath your sword, son of Gondor" said Gandalf slowly. A silence followed and finally both Aragorn and Boromir sheathed their swords. Irulan was looking away, oddly oblivious to the reactions around her.  
  
"She can not come with us, Gandalf" said Aragorn cautiously. "No hard feelings... princess... but this quest is none for a woman".  
  
"IF she is a woman! I half expect her to shed another skin and come out as something else!" Sam muttered. Irulan laughed softly at that.  
  
"True" said Legolas. He had a bitter expression on his face now, "A mortal woman would only slow us down. We can not allow that, Gandalf" he spat rather with too much emotion for an elf.  
  
Boromir was quietly looking at the ground.  
  
Gandalf was silent for a while. So was Irulan. If she was angered by their comments, she did not show it. She was still looking away when she suddenly turned to Aragorn and Legolas both of which slightly tipped back, and said "I am part of this Fellowship whether you like it or not. I was sent out with you, it is my right to remain until a reason presents itself to do otherwise. In which case, I assure you, I have enough sense to leave this circle myself".  
  
"This is not a game, child" said Gimli with exasperation.  
  
"You don't say?" chirped Irulan, mocking surprise.  
  
"Don't you see that this is beyond you?" said Aragorn. "I can see that you feel the need to prove yourself" -Irulan's eyebrows shot up at that remark- "but this is neither the time nor way to do it".  
  
She was just about to reply when Gandalf spoke up again. "She is right my friends. She IS part of this".  
  
"Gandalf........." said Legolas but Gandalf cut him short. "I believe it is time that you LISTEN to my words. I said, this IS the Black Knight. She is not some woman who grabbed her pan and decided to join us!" A smile crept on Irulan's face. "You have to see beyond her appearance. Elrond knew who she was and gave her permission to come anyway. Do any of you doubt his wisdom?"  
  
Irulan turned to Legolas with a killer smile. "You of all people should not doubt me, Prince of Mirkwood". If anything, he looked angrier after that. "Besides" continued Irulan and addressed all of them now, "you need me".  
  
"What?" said Gimli, "what is this man -I mean WOMAN- talking about, Gandalf?"  
  
Irulan turned to Gandalf, "Will you tell them, or shall I?"  
  
Gandalf sighed deeply. "Elrond would not reveal her identity, but he told me the reason she was accepted to be a part of the Fellowship. She is the only one who knows the way to Mordor" he mumbled.  
  
Even Boromir's head snapped up at that.  
  
"Mordor?" said Frodo softly.  
  
"Yes" said Irulan. "So unless you stumble about another skilled and trustable guide who can take you to the gates of Barad-Dur, I WILL make this trip. No hard feelings Master Aragorn. Do no let your emotions and prejudice endanger the quest".  
  
"How would you know the way to Mordor?" said Sam suspiciously.  
  
"Because I went there and came back."  
  
A gasp ran through the Fellowship. "Pray tell me" began Boromir slowly, "why would ANYONE actually want to go to MORDOR?" his voice grew louder with every word and he almost spat the last one.  
  
"Well for fun of course!" she said after a short, deadly silence. "Sure, Sauron lives there, and the orc population is just devastating; and I must confess, it is a bit too hot and damp for my taste, but apart from that..... Mordor is not that bad a place at all" she grinned. And then an utterly serious and angry mask took hold of her features in the blink of an eye. "The point is" she said with something that sounded like a low growl, "I went there, and I came back........ in one piece! That is all I have to say. That is all I NEED to say, gentlemen!" 


	16. Like Warm Water to Ice

Everyone disliked her. More or less. They stayed away from her as far as possible and cast unreadable glances whenever they thought she was not looking. Except for Gandalf, none would speak to her. And there was anger in the air - as if she had dropped onto the middle of the Fellowship and destroyed THEIR friendships as well. They felt uncomfortable around her and therefore stopped the joyful games and chatting. A dark and suffocating cloud had fallen on them, and its name was Irulan.  
  
Irulan did not care though. She actually half expected and half hoped that it would be like this. After all, it made the task much easier for her. She had been worried when she found out that both Legolas and Gandalf would attend the council, for she had carefully avoided both of them over the past five years in fear of giving away her identity. But when she arrived in Rivendell and saw them for the first time, she realized how unnecessarily paranoid she had been. Five years may not sound long for ageless creatures, but it was a very long time nevertheless.  
  
They had obviously forgotten about her a long time ago. Yes, she was sure that every now and then they remembered a certain unusual princess, but that was probably all there was to the story. And the walls in their heads had limited their vision and perception drastically. For it was something else to know that a little girl out of her senses disguised herself and attended a few games, and something completely else to believe that an infamous figure like the Black Knight could actually be a woman! "Ah Chemarit" she thought, "your wisdom is truly unparalleled". She could bet on her right hand that Legolas would have rather thought him to be an elf than a woman!  
  
Legolas... He seemed to be even angrier than Boromir. She had given a lot of thought about what his reaction would be, and anger was certainly an option. But she had hoped that it would fade out instantly and be replaced by the happiness of seeing an old friend.  
  
'An old friend indeed!' the voice whispered in her head. (Yes, unfortunately it DID come back and did not make an attempt to abandon Irulan again) 'Do not make me remind you about a certain day in summer when you were sitting under a large tree and..'. 'Alright! I get the message!' she shot back silently. It certainly looked like Legolas was not about to forgive her. 'And who asks for forgiveness anyway' she thought bitterly. Men! He was avoiding looking at her as if avoiding a disease. Just by that alone she knew that he was trying desperately to keep his temper under control.  
  
'Hmmmm. should be fun to burst THAT swelling bubble, Irulan' the inner voice said softly. Irulan smiled to herself. 'And end up with an arrow sticking out my butt? I shall not end up like my master!' She barely kept herself from grinning.  
  
***  
  
On the 6th day of their departure everyone, especially the Hobbits, seemed to be tired of holding a grudge. Her stubbornness had finally won. Even Gimli and Boromir seemed to wish for a warmer atmosphere again. Aragorn kept his distance but she could not sense anger or dislike in him. He merely did not trust her, which was only understandable. Legolas of course was immortal and had no intention of letting go of a grudge that easily - he was planning probably DECADES of sulking.  
  
"Tell me Irulan" said Gandalf during another rest. They were very close to the southern pass now, steadily climbing up and down he rocky and barren hills with the world around them fading into autumn. "The Black Knight goes back only a year or two. He was not heard of before that. Have you been hiding in an attic and working on your skills of sewing and stitching before that?"  
  
Irulan laughed softly and looked up from the fire she was stirring. Sam was crouching next to her, waiting for her to finish so that he could begin with the cooking. "No" she said teasingly and kept adding wood.  
  
She could feel the whole Fellowship listening to their conversation and very hard pretending not to. Even Legolas was amazingly obvious in his eaves dropping while he stood farther apart and gazed to the hills before them.  
  
After a long string of minutes (which Irulan enjoyed with utmost pleasure) Gandalf sighed and gave in: "Well?"  
  
"Well what, Gandalf?" said Irulan softly and left the fire to Sam.  
  
The wizard bit on the stem of his pipe and rolled his eyes.  
  
"Oh, what did I do during that time?" she asked innocently. "Hmmm.... let me see now.... If my memory does not fail me....It must be the years I was with.... the Darma Druids."  
  
Gandalf's eyebrows shot up. Aragorn and Boromir looked at each other and even Legolas turned around to look at her.  
  
"There are no Darma Druids" said Gimli sourly after a moment or two. Yet the expression on his face was unmistakably one that begged her to continue.  
  
"Well if you say so, Master Gimli" she sighed and began collecting the empty water pouches. Gimli pursed his lips and muttered something (probably unpleasant) about the female gender under his breath.  
  
"What is a Darma Druid?" asked Frodo. She really loved these hobbits. There was not a single bad bone in them. So innocent and pure!  
  
"An ancient society, a guild of fierce warriors" said Gandalf slowly, looking at her with a penetrating gaze.  
  
"They do not exist anymore!" broke in Gimli. "Probably never did. It is more a myth than a real society, young hobbit!"  
  
Merry and Pippin moved in closer and sat facing her with wide grins on their faces. They very much looked like children dying to hear a bedtime story.  
  
"Oh they exist, all right" she said chuckling.  
  
"Many have set out to find them for hundreds of years now" Boromir added a bit reluctantly. But then spoke easier with the relief of having broken the wall. "None ever found them".  
  
"Well. neither did I" replied Irulan, "but they found me". She had to bite her cheeks to keep from laughing out loud at the desperation of the men. They looked like they were trying to resist a very very bad itch. 'Too proud to beg' she thought and pretended to keep on looking for empty water pouches, ignoring their looks, 'Well they should know better! That's what pride does to you'.  
  
Finally Boromir could not hold it any longer. "Do not tell me that a woman has succeeded in what the most skilled men failed to do" he said.  
  
Irulan smiled and raised her eyebrows. "Exactly Boromir, and let me also say that I succeeded simply BECAUSE of that".  
  
"Because you were a woman?" said Pippin incredulously.  
  
Irulan nodded. "You have no idea what a woman can achieve once she puts her mind... and.... her body.. into it". And this time she actually had to turn her back to them, still pretending to look for pouches, for the horrified and confused expression on their faces was simply too much to bear. She brought her hand up to her mouth, and forced herself to swallow down the laugh that was mercilessly pushing its way up. Turning around and pretending to wipe her mouth she looked up at them with a 'what's-up-with- the-silence?' look. Which, with perfect timing, was followed by the '-oh-I- see' look. She counted five with their mouths hanging open and the rest blushing and looking away.  
  
"Well...." she added softly and hesitated for a moment, then bit her lower lip and continued "how on earth do you think I managed to enter and leave Barad-Dur unharmed?"  
  
That did it! Gandalf chocked on his pipe and Sam dropped the pan, then cursed and tried to save what he could. The rest were just staring at her like she had turned into a shrieking wyvern. And Irulan, wishing so much to keep up her serious and intimidating profile and yet being unable to resist the pull of nature any longer, exploded with laughter.  
  
However, seeing 'the Black Knight who was actually a woman who turned out to be a princess' laughing after days without a single word, only added to the confusion and she had to laugh even harder as good ole' fear walked up and took the hand of terror in the souls and faces of the men before her. And behold, after a few minutes shame decides to join them! Irulan was trying to wipe away her tears when finally anger settled in and booted the others out.  
  
"A witch you are, no doubt!" mumbled Gimli. Legolas had turned his back to her again but she had seen the reddish hue hitting his cheeks anyway. Aragorn was actually grinning and shaking his head. Then Frodo joined her, and Gandalf's deep booming laughter followed and before they knew it, all hobbits and eventually the rest of the company was laughing in the middle of nowhere. And it felt good to laugh, for it surged through the ice like warm, sweet water and melted it all away.  
  
Finally Gandalf said "You are impossible!" with the dying embers of the shared moment.  
  
Irulan grinned at him. "What can I say? I am a woman after all".  
  
"I told you there were no Darma Druids" chuckled Gimli.  
  
"Actually" said Irulan slowly, "I was not joking about that part". Once again all heads turned to her. But the ice was broken and they had no reason to hold back any longer.  
  
"And YOU found them?" sad Aragorn with mild amazement.  
  
"Like I said, it was more the other way around. But yes, eventually we ended up together."  
  
"So what did you do?" said Gandalf.  
  
Irulan slowly turned to him and gave him a confused look. "I learned from them, of course.. what else? They trained me" she said softly.  
  
"You DID?" Boromir said incredulously. "You learned from the Darma Druids?"  
  
"Yes.. as a matter of fact... I became one myself" she said. Another long silence that spoke of doubt.  
  
"Why though" said Merry, "would they accept you when they 'refused' all the others?" with a tinge of suspicion.  
  
"I told you already, because I am a woman" Irulan said matter-of-factly. She shrugged, "and so are they".  
  
Legolas' head snapped around again.  
  
"You mean.... you mean... the legendary Darma Druids... are.. a pack of WOMEN?"  
  
"Yes indeed, Master Gimli, if you prefer to put it that way. That is why no man could find them. And how many women do you know who go out looking for them? Naturally, they became a myth and a children's story. Their number has diminished drastically of course. But I can tell you that there are more than you'd expect" she said.  
  
"Amazing" said Aragorn softly and chuckled. "Who would have thought..?"  
  
"Who indeed?" Gandalf added. "And where are they, these women warriors that possess the highest skill of combat man has known? They must be hiding somewhere, unless, of course you have sworn not to tell anybody....."  
  
Irulan laughed softly. "Oh I can tell you easily enough, my friend" she said. Because there is no hiding place. They are everywhere. Spread over Middle Earth, in towns and villages, in cities and tribes".  
  
"Darma Druids live AMONG us?" said Boromir in astonishment. After a moment he added "Well I certainly have never seen one"  
  
"Are you sure?" mused Irulan.  
  
"I trust that I am capable of detecting one if I see him... her, I mean" he said.  
  
"Well, I don't recall you DETECTING a woman fighting under your very nose for quite a long time" she said. Boromir turned a deep red. Aragorn snickered and patted him on the shoulder.  
  
"The truth is" said Irulan, not wishing to torture them any longer, "they look like any other woman. And they live like any other woman, too.." 'Excluding a few I happen to know, such as MYSELF' she thought with amusement, but decided not to raise that issue to their attention. "They have husbands, children, families... They run farms and cook. THAT is what protects them. You can never spot one unless you are one yourself. Which, in your case gentlemen" she added softly, "seems to be a rather.... how shall I put it... IMPOSSIBLE. So next time you walk into a town, dear sirs, you might want to act a little bit kinder to the female gender".  
  
And with that, leaving a very brooding and uneasy company behind her (no doubt their brains were racing through all the times they had accidentally or on purpose stepped on the tail of a woman), she walked off to the nearby stream.  
  
***  
  
Irulan did not have to walk too long; she soon came upon the little ribbon of water that was gurgling downhill. She found a good spot to reach the water and slowly began to fill the pouches. Then she heard a crunch that seemed like the breaking of a thin branch behind her.  
  
"What is it Legolas?" she said without turning around. It could not have been anybody else. She would have heard the others. He had probably stepped on the branch on purpose to let her know of his presence.  
  
"Gandalf thinks we should not walk around alone" he said coldly.  
  
"Is that so?" said Irulan and glanced back over her shoulder. "I am not sure if I want to turn my back on the Prince of Mirkwood these days". He looked directly at her then and she inwardly flinched at this gaze. 'Okay Irulan, right now would be a good time to shut up' she thought to herself.  
  
"What did I do to earn this mistrust?" he hissed after a few moments.  
  
Irulan grabbed the pouches and stood up to face him. "You look at me as if you wish to kill me" she said levelly and walked up to him.  
  
"You obviously have an impressive talent in that area yourself. You don't need my help, princess" he said. Irulan stopped in mid-track. They stared at each other for a long time. 'He is sarcastic!' she thought, 'oddly,I don't remember that part.'  
  
"It's not like I killed anybody else. Is my life not my own to do as I please?" she said slowly.  
  
It seemed to be the perfect answer Legolas was expecting to hear. He took a step towards her and she could swear that she saw flames in his eyes. "That is so typically human!" he spat. "That is the selfish way your kind perceives everything around it. That is exactly what brings Middle Earth to its doom!"  
  
She felt her eyes widening but remained in complete control other than that. "Are you blaming me for the end of Middle Earth?" she asked in a mocking but dark tone.  
  
"Your kind, yes!" he hissed. "How can you say that? Do you have any idea what you did to the people around you? Your family never overcame that grief! Your friends were utterly heartbroken. I was..." he stopped and clenched his jaws. Then he slowly shook his head and looked away.  
  
"I am so sorry" reeled Irulan at him and the anger was seeping through her velvet voice. "So sorry you ALL had to go through that, while I was obviously having the best time of my LIFE". She was ever so slightly panting now. She knew that she would have this or another similar conversation with Legolas sooner or later. And the bad part was, he had actually succeeded in making her feel guilty! She had no other choice! How could he be so blind! 'Note to self: elf or no, men are MEN!' she thought bitterly.  
  
"Forgive me princess..." he said slowly, his eyes boring into hers, "It is obvious that I had misconceptions about you. You are nothing like the person I thought you were!"  
  
Irulan moved even closer to him and cocked her head to look at him, "You know Legolas" she said with a cool voice, "it almost sounds as if you wished me to remain and marry Endor".  
  
If an elf would have been slapped in the face, his expression would be exactly the one Irulan was looking at, right then. Legolas literally staggered back from the effect of the invisible blow. He looked at her one final time and then swiftly glided away on the rocks towards the camp. Irulan looked coldly after him. She had broken his heart. But then, he did not have one to begin with. 


	17. Who Are You?

Okay.. Another break to say a few words.  
  
I thought a lot about whether I should stay true to the movie or the books when I wrote this and finally, for many reasons that I don't want to bore you with right now, I decided on the movie(s) (as you must have guessed by now). And as with any material that a great many people already know, I am running in the very same dangerous fields where you can step on a mine and end up with a boring and dull story.  
  
What I am trying to say is, I am following the footsteps of the movie and trying to stray as little as possible from that path. However, everyone obviously has watched the movie, and I do not want people to get bored and feel like they are merely reading what they have already seen on TV. Irulan is an addition, true, and the next chapters might delve into her world more than anything. So for those who want hardcore action, don't think I am not an action fan myself and I have not made sure that there is some kicking and punching in the story as well, but there will also be chapters that have almost no action, only thoughts and inner struggles.  
  
It is inevitable, really. I tried to make a better job of it, but failed. What can I say. after all... it is a bit more realistic in that way. I'm pretty sure that even in the lives of heroes, something marvelously interesting does NOT happen EVERY day. Sigh.. I can only ask for patience and hope that you will find it ok to read slower paced chapters every now and then. After all, the story is a whole. I cut it up into chapters. Therefore, seen from a larger perspective, maybe those duller parts are not that dull at all... or so I hope.  
  
Do I need to thank everyone again for their kind and gracious remarks and reviews? I think I do. Thank you guys, you are the ones who keep this going.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
  
  
Their voyage continued through the mountainous hills, always climbing up, and then down again. She could see the mighty white mountains in the horizon, lying on the face of Middle Earth from north to south like a scar, now seemingly looming over the company. Although still very far away, she was closer to home now than she had been for a long time.  
  
The Fellowship seemed to be mending again. Although she was sure that none yet accepted her to be a real member -much less a warrior of any sort- they seemed to be happy to have her around. Maybe because she was a woman and men, she had noticed over the years, complained about women more than anything else, and yet silently and secretly enjoyed the company of one, no matter what.  
  
Irulan tried to reach the fragile balance between becoming close friends and not binding herself to the friendship of any of these men. She had spent a very long time in the company of men - in battlefields, in raids, in inns......yet those situations were not too uncomfortable, for they were not very suitable for deep friendships. She came and went to them as a warrior and they had accepted her to be one. Yet, a long trip with always the same bunch of people around you and not much else to do, sort of pushed people towards each other and breaking out of that was not easy.  
  
She was not Princess Irulan anymore. She was the Black Knight - and even more than that, a Darma Druid. There was no going back on something like that. She would never be the person she was in the past, the person Gandalf and Legolas knew. And she did not want them to think otherwise. So she tried to blend in, and yet, stubbornly kept her distance as well. Or at least, tried to. It was becoming very difficult in such a company. Especially with the hobbits.  
  
The hobbits seemed to be infatuated with her. 'Those darn halflings must have sensed my soft feelings towards them!' she thought with displeasure, for no matter how harsh she tried to act towards them, she was doing a bad job and just like dogs who knew exactly that you were not really angry even though you might be yelling at the top of your lungs, they kept coming back, surrounding her, jumping up and down with energy, asking her incredulous questions. They were so innocent and nice, that she had to keep reminding herself that these creatures were probably older than herself, and not at all children, as she tended to misperceive them. She waved them away and tried to find something to do, like preparing the fire, looking for water or mending ripped equipment, but they scurried after her ever more fiercely and every time she ended up giving in to them sooner or later.  
  
Boromir seemed to be recovering from his shock as well. She would have really felt sorry if they had lost the trust and friendship between them. It was built under painful circumstances, under the shadow of death and despair, so losing it would have been a shame. He began talking to her more and more often, and though his conversations had been cautiously avoiding the topics of Gondor or their common history for a while in the beginning, he reluctantly breeched the last of the walls standing between them soon enough. Now he seemed to be talking to the Black Knight once again. Although there was a new edge to it. And Irulan did not like it a bit. Boromir had always been very much affected and amazed by her skills as the Knight, yes, but his amazement seemed to turn into an eerie and discomforting feeling now that said Knight was also a woman. And she dared not think it, but probably also an attractive woman, in his standards. She tried not to stiffen with the thought of that, but could not find a way of avoiding him under the circumstances.  
  
She felt nothing but utter respect for Aragorn. Even when she had first laid eyes on him years ago, and he looked terrible (as he usually did) and nothing like a future king, she was overcome by awe, for a power unlike any other was emanating from him. He was the sort of leader she had wished to become so many times as a princess. She knew that one day men of utter power would kneel to him, even though he would probably not raise a single finger to make them. He was of a royal lineage, like herself, and again like herself, he had chosen to push away that lineage. She believed Aragorn a lot more similar to her than anyone on that fellowship. But then, maybe she was only HOPING for that similarity.  
  
The dwarf was such a casanova! He was sincere and raw and direct. And frankly, if he had been a human and a lot younger, she would probably be very much infatuated by him. Being who he was though, she felt she had found the older brother or dearest uncle she always longed for. He was grumpy and paranoid, loud and filthy. And she loved all that about him! He had a heart of gold and would kill her if he knew she had discovered that. He very obviously tried to impress her with his tales of dangerous adventures, and Irulan smiled and ever so slightly showed her awe, which only served as an excuse to tell the untold ones. He reminded her more and more of Chemarit and that alone made her allow -even though unwillingly- a bond to be formed between them.  
  
Then there was Legolas, of course. It always came down to him! He would not talk to her or address her in any way. Every member of the Fellowship seemed to be aware of his obvious dislike towards her. Irulan tried to tell herself that it was very well so, that she was beyond that darn elf, that she had gotten over him years ago now and that she could care less............ but in her heart, she knew she was lying to herself. She felt hurt and she refused to accept that. She felt hurt that he would drag it on like that. Hurt that he could not see her reasons and that his kind feelings for her had turned so bitter. And most of all, she felt deeply hurt that he failed to look at her with unclouded eyes like he used to, years ago.  
  
Let's face it, she had not been the perfect princess when they met. More than once, she had acted rude and careless in his company. She had portrayed the most embarrassing acts as a human -not to mention, as a woman- and he somehow had accepted that princess Irulan. Now she was not acting nearly as stupid and as clumsy, and yet he seemed to hate her. 'I am completely lost!' she thought, 'how can that be? He used to like me -at least, that's what I thought- for BEING so different. Now he seems to hate me for it.' Her face twisted with confusion. 'I thought I heard you say you did not give a damn anyway yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that' the inner voice hissed back. Irulan found nothing to say to that. 'I very much thought that would be your answer' it said.  
  
***  
  
'How can you grow fond of a person in a few seconds, and not grow out of it in YEARS?' thought Legolas bitterly. Some people, it seems, were very much like arrows. They penetrated your skin in the blink of an eye, and you think pulling them out would make you free of them. Alas, the scar remained!  
  
He did not know what to feel, much less what to do. Irulan had obviously changed. She was a stranger now. Like the hobbits, or Gimli, or Boromir, she was someone he had met for the first time just a few days ago. Why could he not see her in that fashion? She was not the same woman, why could his mind not accept that? It was very disturbing, and not merely because of his confusion, but because it was a breech in his control which did not happen too often. Actually the last time it happened was.............. oh no......... when he.......... Her again! She always seemed to be around when he was making a fool of himself.  
  
He tried to shake his thoughts away and looked up. Irulan had changed her outfit. Being no longer in need to cover up like that, she had changed into a navy colored tunic with long, lose arms, underneath of which another cream colored armless shirt could be seen. The tunic reached down just below her hip and seemed to be of a coarse and rough fabric. It held a rather large belt, which again was of the same fabric, only a darker shade of brown. Her breeches were the color of earth after rain, almost black and matched the black leather boots she had kept from the Black Knight uniform. Once again her odd sword was tied behind her back along with her bag and she continued to carry the odd metal club on her belt. Her hair was lose, only the strand on the very top pulled back and tied in the back, avoiding it from falling to her face. He had never believed that a woman could look that beautiful in a man's outfit. The soft, linen appearance of the clothes and her lose hair had given her a much softer and somehow feminine appearance.  
  
She was walking side by side with Boromir, talking. She was always talking to Boromir, by the looks of it. And why not? The two of them had a common history of years now, while he had only been with her for a couple of days. Both were human while he was an elf. Both were closer in age than he would ever be to a mortal again. And yet, against all rational reasons that he came up with, he could not help but feel an odd sort of anger. It was only but normal, but it felt so............. wrong.  
  
And especially wrong because Boromir's eyes carried an odd twinkle and light that had not been there before. The fleeting feelings of men! As if it was not him who had insulted her so rudely when she revealed her trued identity! And she seemed to have forgotten that incident, too! Humans had no pride! It was wrong for them to be this close. It would eventually seep into the fellowship and endanger the whole quest. Humans were incapable of restraining their emotions! Elves on the other hand........... alright, maybe that line of thought was not one he felt like following right now. But his argument still held - a woman amongst so many men, was just something dangerous. She would distract them. Especially when that woman was Irulan.  
  
***  
  
They were taking yet another break. Merry and Pippin were dueling with Boromir, who was actually a good and gifted teacher. Gandalf was sitting further in the back, smoking his pipe. Legolas, as usual, needed no rest and was jumping from boulder to boulder, scanning the horizons.  
  
"That elf is just too much to be with!" sighed Sam, "doesn't he ever get tired?"  
  
"I know what you mean" said Irulan and sat next to Frodo. "It is annoying it is not? One can not help feeling jealous".  
  
A short silence stretched when all three watched Merry and Pippin in amusement. "You seem to know him well" said Frodo all of a sudden. Irulan just cast a sidelong glance at him and did not answer for a few moments. "I thought I did. Before...... before I left my home" she said reluctantly.  
  
"I take it that you did not part well?" asked Sam cautiously.  
  
"Oh we parted well, all right" said Irulan dreamily. "But I guess it is hard for people to accept me for who I am".  
  
"Who are you?" asked Frodo all of a sudden. Irritated she turned to him, preparing to give him a sarcastic answer, but then she saw that he was sincere. He was just looking at her with an earnest and plain expression in his face, waiting patiently for an answer. Irulan opened her mouth, but found none. Flashes of her life came and went instantly - her childhood, her times as the princess, her times as the wanderer, her times with the Darma Druids, the years she had been the Black Knight, and all the other adventures she had in between. She closed her mouth and looked away hastily. The fact was, she had no idea. Nothing she could think of seemed to be the right word or concept for her. She was always something in between. She was always a mixture, that made her something little of all, but eventually one of none.  
  
Odd as it seemed, when Legolas screamed "Crebain of Dudlain!" she actually felt relief. She grabbed both hobbits and threw them towards a group of bushes a few feet away and thankfully they crawled the rest of the distance and hid underneath. Then she hastily kicked the gear lying around away and threw herself underneath another mass of thick bushes.  
  
And to her utter dismay, Legolas landed right beside her. He gave her a blank look and continued looking up at the sky. The black swarm came and noisily encircled their camp. Irulan had heard of such spies that wizards used, but never really had seen one that she knew about. She knew that they had been spotted. They had been too late in seeking cover. The swarm took off soon enough and she let out a sigh of relief. Legolas was still lying beside her, not moving. It felt good to be close again. Okay, screw pride. She just couldn't hold a grudge to this elf for too long. She was only human, damn it! Besides, if he was not ready to move on, it was his problem.  
  
"You know you should really stop throwing yourself at me, Legolas" she said with mild amusement. His head snapped around. Irulan smiled the ghost of a smile and a pinkish hue hit his cheeks. Really now, she had never seen elves blush before and certainly the color she had seen on his face more than once now in the past days looked suspiciously very much like a blush. 'I myself have lost that talent a long time ago' she thought bitterly.  
  
"Do not flatter yourself, princess" he snapped back and immediately sprang to his feet and walked off.  
  
Irulan shook her head. 'He means to drag on. That impossible elf!' she sighed inwardly. 'Three thousand years old and acting like a little child! Note to self: no matter how many years spent, men never pass the age of 6' she thought bitterly. 


	18. Fever

They were walking up the mountain of Caradhras in a single file. She reflected back on the incident of the ring that had happened earlier that day. Frodo had tumbled down a few feet and in the process, lost the ring. Boromir had picked it up and lingered a bit too long before finally giving it back. They had all waited, holding their breaths. For a minute she thought she could have taken out her sword and cut the tension in the air right there. She also realized that she had misjudged Aragorn. He was nice and kind enough with everyone, Boromir as well, but when it came to the quest, he was all business and a cold fire crept into his blue eyes. She had noticed his hand on the hilt of his sword, ready to act in case Boromir should have any funny ideas. "I would follow a man like that to my very death" she thought with admiration.  
  
The lure of the ring had begun, it seemed. To be honest, she had expected Boromir to be the weaker one in his matter. As humans him, herself and Aragorn seemed to be the most exposed ones to this pull. And she could not deny that she had felt it as well. But men had a different psyche; their greed for power was indeed much stronger. And when it came to those two men, there was no doubt in her mind that Aragorn was the stronger one. She just hoped that she could be of assistance to Boromir, who was nevertheless bravely trying to swim against the current. They were friends; she should be there for him when the situation required it.  
  
The longer they walked, the more she began to believe that it was impossible to pass through the Pass of Caradhras. There seemed to be no end to the mountain! And as if that was not enough, snow storms and avalanches had been following them anywhere they went. She was leading the line, hoping to protect Gandalf, who was right behind her, more or less from the snow that blew into their faces and hurt their cold and over-exposed skin. She had tried to dig a path that the others can walk through, but soon gave up on it.  
  
That's when Legolas walked by her, on the snow. 'What in the.......' she thought, and then ruefully 'oh yes..... elves are light of foot. Darn race!' He did not even seem to be cold. He walked ahead and waited for them until they reached a turn in winding path that was continuing its climb towards the peak. He seemed to be listening to something, but she could hear nothing except for the howling of the wind.  
  
"There's a foul voice in the air" he yelled back.  
  
"It's Saruman!" replied Gandalf. An avalanche broke out above and they threw themselves back. When the commotion was over, she quickly looked back to make sure that the rest of the company was still there. Poor Aragorn and Boromir where moving slowly along, both carrying a pair of hobbits, for the snow had reached a height that would have covered them from head to toe. She passed Legolas and took the turn, then waited. Gandalf moved out a little bit and began to weave a spell. In the middle of that, a lightning hit the boulders above and a much bigger avalanche began to come down. Legolas managed to grab Gandalf at the last moment and pull him back while everyone again threw themselves as far back as possible. She felt a rock hitting her right shoulder but her body was too cold to respond with pain.  
  
After a moment or two she felt the shaking of the ground cease and slowly dug herself out, to discover that all had emerged from the white blanket. Legolas was looking at her and having seen that she broke the surface, he turned back to Gandalf and the others who -finally!- seemed to have realized the impossibility of the task at hand. They were discussing what other options they had and it did not look like they had much of a choice. They would pass through the infamous mines of Moria.  
  
Irulan had never been to Moria. Very few humans or elves had. On her behalf, she was happy with the choice. All along the way back Gimli remained by her side and told her with pure excitement about the city down there. It truly sounded like a sight! They were reaching the lower skirts of the mountain and the snow was only knee-deep here.  
  
"Do you think they would welcome a woman like me?" she asked with amusement in her voice.  
  
"Well of course Irulan! Once they lay their eyes on you, they will no doubt fall under your spell!"  
  
Irulan laughed at that. "Maybe I could find a good suitor as well" she said and cast him a sidelong glance.  
  
He stopped in mid-track and looked at her. "You would consider.... a dwarf?" he asked with amazement.  
  
"Why not?" she said, smiling down at him.  
  
"My lady is playing with me!" he said. They had started this game a while ago, and it was fun to see Gimli playing along. He wanted to be the irresistible casanova and who'd better match a role like that than a whimsical and fickle woman?  
  
"Ah but I am as honest as it gets" Irulan said innocently.  
  
"That comes from someone who faked her own death" said Legolas, who was passing her, walking towards the head of the line.  
  
Irulan's smile froze on her face. She just gave his back a sour look and hoped that he would at least this once slip on the ice and fall on his face. No such luck, of course.  
  
"You faked your own death?" asked Merry in amazement.  
  
"Well...... beats dying anytime" she said with exasperation and hoped that this would be the end of the matter.  
  
"Unbelievable! Why?"  
  
"Because I refused to marry someone who looked exactly like you!" she snapped back to him furiously.  
  
"I understand completely!" said Sam and Merry punched him between the shoulder blades.  
  
"How did you do it?" Pippin asked curiously.  
  
"Do you think I would give away a secret like that? I might need to use it again, who knows?"  
  
Gimli laughed and said "No need Irulan! If anyone bothers you, just let me know! I shall chop off his head in an instant!"  
  
"Well....." said Irulan darkly, "how would you feel about chopping off the head of a certain annoying elf?"  
  
Gimli grinned up at her. "Do not let him get to you. You are stronger than that, woman!"  
  
Irulan's eyebrows shot up and she smiled with pure delight. He WAS a lot like Chemarit! "Anything to please you, Master Gimli!" she said with a velvet voice.  
  
But he did get to her. He was always walking about with accusation in his eyes. Who'd know an elf could be that harsh and merciless? Okay, now she had changed her mind. Elves WERE the cold and heartless creatures that everybody said they were. They should get on those darn ships of theirs and sail off! She fell back to the end of the line again. And then even further back. It was her habit to leave a distance between herself and the fellowship when she felt the need for isolation, and having come to know that, they did not wait for her and moved ahead. They were close to the base to the mountain now. She could see the snow disappearing and giving way to dark colored boulders ahead.  
  
***  
  
Gimli moved towards the head of the line and walked side by side with Gandalf. None spoke for a while. Then Gimli said slowly "You are aware that she is endangering the quest?" Gandalf would not answer for several moments. Then reluctantly he replied "I am aware, Master Gimli".  
  
"Why is that?" came Boromir's voice from behind. Gandalf turned around and took a look above his shoulder. Irulan had fallen back, keeping a good distance with the rest of them and there was no way she could hear them from this distance. He turned back to speak and realized that Aragorn and Legolas as well had moved up a few steps, keeping pace with them. "Obviously everyone is more than just a little interested when it comes to her" he thought with amusement. But they had a right to know. They were a part of the Fellowship.  
  
"She is a Darma Druid" he said slowly. "Why do you think the Darma Druids ceased to exist as a guild?"  
  
"But they did not" said Boromir, "Irulan just said that they still existed."  
  
"Yes, but in hiding. They do not practice their skills anymore openly. Both their teaching and their culture have faded from Middle Earth. They did not even attend the Last Alliance against the Dark Lord".  
  
There was a long silence. The hobbits were further back as well. It looked like they were engaged in an argument that that went as far back as the Shire and involved a drinking contest.  
  
"What are you saying Gandalf?" asked Aragorn.  
  
Gandalf sighed and wished he could smoke his pipe. "The Darma Druids were the fiercest and most lethal warriors of Middle Earth. No one could match their skill, for it involved more than ordinary combat art. They can SHIFT" he said.  
  
"Shift?"  
  
"Yes, 'shift', Legolas. It is a term used for a special technique they posses to move faster in time".  
  
"I don't understand" said Boromir. "How do you mean?"  
  
"It is hard to explain" said Gandalf, "I think you must see it to understand. Though no one has seen something like that in a very long time" He thought about it for a minute and then went on. "It is like this...... time moves along at its normal pace for everyone. But the Darma Druid can move faster than that. She can move so fast, that time slows down or SEEMS to slow down for her. She can kill a dozen opponents and for her, the pace of the time might be normal -though I can not imagine exactly how it is from her point of view- but for another person in the same room only an instant has passed. He will only see a dozen bodies falling to the ground before he can even blink".  
  
"Incredible!" said Gimli slowly. "Though I heard about it, I fail to imagine something like that".  
  
"Yes, but there is a downside to it as well. It requires utmost skill and control and that control, overused, has a very lethal effect on the Druid. The books refer to it as 'fever'".  
  
"Fever" whispered Legolas softly. "What is it, Gandalf?"  
  
"It is a state in which the Druid slowly reaches exertion and finally loses control over his -that is- HER mind. The fever takes her. I know only what I have read in the books, which were not too many to begin with, but as far as I know, she loses contact with reality, with the present, and her sense of time. She then can not distinguish between foe and friend and kills anyone she comes across".  
  
Everyone was silent for a long time. They instinctively checked back on Irulan, who still seemed to be walking in a dreamy state, far off.  
  
"It is said that they have attended the Battle of Elves along with the armies of Gil-Galad against Sauron, in which the Dark Lord was defeated and forced to flee to the Ash Mountains. It was common for the Darma Druids to attend battles disguised and veiled. Maybe they had men among them back then as well, but we will never know for sure, I guess. Anyway, they attended along with elves and swiped off the enemy from the fields of Eriador forever, but the battle took so long that eventually the fever took many of them, and those who fell to it's curse attacked both sides and even their own, killing almost as many friends as foes until they were killed by their own sisters."  
  
"You see" said Gimli, "once the fever takes a Darma Druid, she can not stop again. Ever. Not until she kills all or she is killed herself".  
  
"They swore never to battle again" said Gandalf dreamily, "and have not done so for as long as anyone can remember, now."  
  
"But why do they still exist.... why do they pass this knowledge down when it is not to be used?" Aragorn whispered.  
  
"I think they can not accept the loss of such a knowledge completely. It is not only the shifting, you know, they have superior knowledge about combat and battle, which is an accumulation of many lives and an immense amount of experience. And I also think they are hoping that one day someone will come up with a way to use these without falling to the fever, even though that is a slim chance".  
  
"Then it is as I have feared: she is indeed dangerous for the quest" said Gimli slowly.  
  
"Yes..... and yet.... Elrond agreed. I do agree as well, for I believe that there is always hope. Irulan is a strong woman. She might fight this urge..."  
  
"You know that is impossible" said Gimli sadly.  
  
"Maybe she won't need to.. shift... too much. She certainly did not use that skill as the Black Knight" said Boromir. Everyone stared at him for a long time. "Okay, maybe there is a higher chance that she will have to, this time" he whispered and looked away.  
  
"Maybe" sighed Gandalf. "For now, all I can say is that we must believe and trust in her".  
  
"Yet if it comes to that, if she DOES fall to the fever? What will we do? We could possibly not........ I mean you can not expect us to..." said Aragorn after a moment and did not finish the sentence. Legolas reeled around and looked at him with an odd expression.  
  
"The quest is more important than the lives of any of us. I am sure that Irulan agreed to that when she decided to be a part of it. We will do whatever the quest requires" Gandalf said and his voice said that it was final. 


	19. You Will Fail This Fellowship

I seem to take these "thank you breaks" more and more often. But not replying those amazing reviews would be on my conscience forever! Actually I have to say that I am a bit overwhelmed and stupefied by the whole positive and kind reaction to the story. Just to think that there are people out there who sit down and take the time to read some pure fiction that my distorted mind gave birth to - that is unbelievable. But the fact that they like it! Now that is beyond me!  
  
As you can tell, my updates are rather frequent at this point. The fact is, at the end of every chapter I decide to give it a break and then I get so many and such beautiful mails, my muse starts nudging me in the ribs again. I have some grave idea where the story is going, but believe it or not, some crucial elements of it are appearing as I write, out of nowhere it seems. I have a suspicion that Irulan is very much planning to take matters into her own hands as we go on.  
  
Let's hope not. That woman has no sense.  
  
A quick but grave note: fanfiction.net IS actually going insane. It is driving me crazy. There are days when it won't accept my password, days when my story does not exist and others when they for some reason are not in word format anymore. Sigh..there may be slight delays or problems. Bear with me.  
  
************************************************  
  
"I think we are very close to the Gates of Moria now" Irulan said when she finally reached the group of men leading the line. They all jumped, obviously not having heard her approach. Taken aback by their surprise, she looked from one to the other, but each hastily looked away.  
  
"Ah yes....... I think you are right" said Gimli a little too loud.  
  
"Yes, yes..... I think I can see the Gates" added Gandalf.  
  
Irulan narrowed her eyes. "You have been talking about me, haven't you?" she said slowly.  
  
All heads snapped around.  
  
"What are you talking about?" said Gandalf innocently.  
  
"Don't you think we have more important things to talk about?" hissed Legolas and walked ahead with a faster pace.  
  
"Women! They think it's all about them!" mumbled Aragorn and followed him.  
  
"Aragorn! Wait! You still did not answer me" said Boromir after a moment, and casting a swift glance in her direction, quickened his pace to catch up with the man.  
  
"What's up with these hobbits? I better go and look" said Gimli and fell back.  
  
Irulan shook her head and looked at Gandalf. "I see you still prefer cheap and dirty gossip, old man" she said with the expression of a mother scolding her child. Gandalf pretended not to hear her at all. "The Gates of Moria!" he exclaimed a bit too loud, "we have arrived at last" and walked past her. 'Note so self: Men are capable of lying as much as a bear is capable of singing'.  
  
***  
  
The Gate to the mines stood with a dull glow before them. Irulan was looking up to it, with curiosity and admiration. Moria! The fabled place about which she had read so many stories as a child. She could still remember bits and pieces of the pictures in her head, of how she imagined it to be. She knew it had been carved into the mountain, but after having walked on that very same mountain for a time and having appreciated its real size, she knew that the real Moria would most certainly outshine her childhood imaginations. If only Gandalf could open the doors!  
  
They had been waiting for a while now and the cool and damp air seemed to be seeping not only into their clothes, but their mood as well. But she had removed her outer tunic and remained with her shirt that revealed her arms and shoulders. She felt hot after the long walk on the mountain. Everyone kept his distance from the wizard, not wishing to be the object of his wrath right now. Which meant of course that Irulan HAD to do the exact opposite.  
  
"Gandalf; is it possible for wizards to get old?" she asked with a serious voice. Gandalf was sitting on a large boulder, mumbling to himself. He looked up at her with glazed eyes.  
  
"I mean, old HERE" she said and pointed to her head. "I wonder if they ever reach an age when they.....well....begin to get confused. You know....forget spells, mix in the wrong ingredients in a potion......" she smiled slightly and added with a whisper "....forget to wear underwear...."  
  
Gandalf bit on his pipe. "Irulan, I am older than you can imagine and yet sharper than you'll ever be! Disappear now, I need to concentrate!"  
  
"I know that can be hard when I am this charming, but really, you have to get over your infatuation with me!"  
  
Gandalf closed his eyes. She grinned at his expression that spoke books.  
  
"Irulan!" he snapped loudly and everybody's head turned around to look at them.  
  
"No Gandalf!" she said seriously, "I can not accept. I am sure you will find another". Gandalf sprang to his feet.  
  
Irulan quickly retreated, still looking at him, "No need to stand up when a lady leaves your presence, you old casanova!" and she hastily turned around to join the others before Gandalf actually decided to throw a lightning bolt in her direction.  
  
Boromir and Aragorn were chuckling. "Stop stepping on his tail, Irulan" said Aragorn, "he looks dangerous enough without it".  
  
"Believe me, I am doing it in the best interest of the company. He thinks better under pressure" she replied smoothly.  
  
Boromir looked at her and suddenly stood up "You are wounded" he said softly. Irulan followed his gaze to her right shoulder. She remembered the boulder from the avalanche. The cut had obviously not bled in the cold environment of the mountain, but was not gently oozing with the increased temperature. She realized the sting as well; she had not felt it before.  
  
"Oh.....yes.....it's nothing. Just a little cut. A boulder hit me in the avalanche" she said and wiped away the blood trickling down her shoulder. Another small stream formed immediately.  
  
"Let me take a look at it" said Boromir and softly touched the wound. "It is not deep, but we better clean it, before it gets infected" he said and went to his bag.  
  
Merry and Pippin were throwing stones into the large pond that lay at their feet. Aragorn snatched the stones away hastily, whispering "Do not disturb the water". They looked out into the dark water and, surprising as it was, stopped.  
  
Boromir came back and began cleaning the wound. "You should be more careful Irulan, we can not afford losing you" he said with a velvet voice. 'That look in his eyes again!' she thought with growing discomfort. She glanced at Aragorn but he seemed to be lost in his own world, looking out towards the pond. Legolas though was very much aware of everything and he was looking directly at her with yet another unreadable expression on his face.  
  
"Oh, so I am not the witch who stole your precious Knight, anymore?" she said mischievously, ignoring Legolas' gaze.  
  
Boromir laughed lightly. "Oh you are a witch, alright. You put a spell on me" he said and looked up to her.  
  
Irulan froze and felt herself stiffen. She looked away hastily, not knowing exactly what to say. That accursed elf was still looking at her and no doubt, had heard every word of the conversation, being so close to them. She felt uncomfortably exposed and stared back at him with defiance. His expression had turned even more sour, if such a thing was possible. He had pursed his lips and anger was emanating from his beautiful face.  
  
"I am sorry about my accusations" said Boromir. She had almost forgotten about him. "I was wrong to say those ugly things".  
  
"No need for apologies. Not between us, son of Gondor" she said, hoping the words to come out as cold as possible. Boromir had finished cleaning and disinfecting the wound, but did not move away. She cast another glance at Legolas. 'Fine' she thought, 'if he is going to be like that, I might as well not reject the friendship and kindness offered to me by others!' She turned to Boromir and smiled warmly.  
  
The man's breath caught for a moment. "I am glad that you feel the same way" he added slowly after a short hesitation.  
  
Irulan nodded lightly and slowly turned away from him, back to where the wizard was sitting and still brooding. With the corner of her eye she saw Legolas stiffen and when he sharply turned away, his blonde hair flew around his face and hid his expression. Once free of Boromir's gaze, she exhaled with relief and realized that Frodo was talking to Gandalf.  
  
"Mellon" replied Gandalf a moment later and behold, the mighty stone gates slowly cracked open! She could not help but to shiver with excitement and curiosity. Moria! At last!  
  
They quickly gathered their belongings and began walking in. It was very dark and the moonlight -coming from behind- made it hard to see. Thank the heavens for magic, for soon they had a little light provided by Gandalf's staff. "Unusually quite for a place where thousands of dwarves must be living" thought Irulan to herself. And that's when they became aware of the skeletons lying around. "Everybody, fall back!" commanded Gandalf and before they knew what was happening, all hell broke lose. She heard someone scream and it took her a few moments to realize that it was Frodo. Only she could not locate him in the dark. Then she saw Sam's outline in the entrance, trying to rush out.  
  
Irulan ran to the entrance with everyone else, but all of a sudden was grabbed from below and hurled sideways. The breath left her lungs when she felt herself crushed against the wall. "So much for being a Darma Druid" she thought ruefully. 'Maybe we should include surprise attack training in our schedules'. It is funny how the most incredible thoughts can invade the brain in moments of grave danger.  
  
Just when her body gave in and decided to breathe again, she was hurled again, this time towards the pond (by what little she could make out in the tumult) and that's when she realized something was wrapped along her leg, squeezing mercilessly. And thankfully her warrior instinct took over. She drew the sword strapped to her back in a moment and tried to cut around the thing holding her leg. She must have finally hit the mark, for both the pressure and the pulling stopped instantly and was replaced by something even more dreadful: the feeling of falling - an especially unwelcome feeling when you don't know how high you are and where you will land.  
  
She hit the shallow water with a nasty thud and since she had survived, it meant that it could not have been too high. The screaming and yelling around her continued. Irulan's sense of up and down swam back and she lifted her head. Then her sense of direction returned as well and she realized she was by the edge of the pond with tentacles dancing around her. Judging by the size of those, something really big and ugly was out there in the water. And it had managed to grab Frodo by his foot. She sprang up to her feet immediately and joined the rest of the team, trying to cut her way through the tentacle forest to reach a dangling Frodo. She actually did manage to cut about two of them and free a panicked Pippin, but Boromir hit one that obviously hurt more than the others, making the thing decide to drop its meal into Aragorn's arms.  
  
"Into the mines!" somebody yelled and she did not halt to see who it was, running along. She stumbled inside while the entrance behind her crumbled down and the last light vanished. Sheathing her sword, she kept walking in the dark until she bumped into someone.  
  
"Are you alright?" said the beautiful voice of Legolas. It was too dark and she could not see a thing but obviously he could, because he softly grabbed her arm and tugged her along.  
  
"Yeah, fine" Irulan said a bit stiffly.  
  
"That was a nasty fall. Are you hurt?" he said. Was that actually concern she heard in his voice? And that cruel edge seemed to have disappeared as well. She would never understand men!  
  
"I guess I'm getting too old for this" she said in a sarcastic tone, trying to feel whether she had indeed broken something in her body or not. Everything seemed to be in place.  
  
Legolas stopped and a soft glow filled the room. "We must face the long dark of Moria" Gandalf was saying. She looked around. Everyone was there. Irulan sighed with relief. 'So much for being useful!' she thought bitterly, 'I was almost crushed and barely ran to save myself!' She felt a dark fear gripping her then. 'If you hold back, you will fail this quest and you will drag everyone down with yourself!' her inner voice screamed and her heart took a leap. 'You will fail! You will be the end of everyone simply to save yourself!' Irulan felt nauseous all of a sudden. She felt also like banging her head on the walls a couple of times. 'Stupid girl! You were far better when you were merely a child! At least you had courage then!' Legolas was still looking at her in the dim light.  
  
"I'm alright Legolas. I did not break anything" she said, ashamed to look at him and drew her arm away. She walked off, keeping a distance between herself and the rest.  
  
Legolas stared after her. He was so angry with her, and yet.....when she fell back there.....he had immediately bolted towards her, Frodo and the rest completely forgotten. If Boromir had not called his name, he would probably never have come back to his senses. It was his call that had made him stop in his mid-tracks and start shooting at the beast. 'I will fail this fellowship' he thought grimly. 'I am letting my feelings for her get in the way of the mission already!' His feelings for her? What was THAT all about? Legolas massaged his forehead and dared a deep breath. 'So much for being an elven prince' he thought and grimly resumed his walking. He too, kept his distance, for his mind was clouded. It would be a long, dark walk indeed. 


	20. I Hope I'll Die First

Now she was absolutely certain that wizards DID get old in the brain! They were at yet another crossroad of paths, which Gandalf claimed he could not remember. Again, there was not much to do but to wait. She had kept her distance with the rest of them throughout the last three days, thinking about the things that were gnawing at her. She had to clear up her mind, and fast. Every member of the fellowship had approached her one by one, and had tried to discover cautiously what the matter was. Irulan had just smiled and said that she was not fond of enclosed spaces. They all seemed unsatisfied with that reply, but left it at that.  
  
When she realized that this rest might actually take longer than intended, she decided to go to sleep. It was always a good idea to try to get sleep at the first chance that presented itself, since one could never know when the next opportunity would come along.  
  
She stretched out on the cold floor for a long time; unable to sleep after all, but finally, just when she meant to give up, a restless slumber overcame her.  
  
............................................  
  
Irulan was standing once again in the alley. Three other women were standing with her, forming a triangle around her. She felt the dream overlapping reality and the borders between them slowly melting away as her sleep deepened. The woman right in front her had fiery red hair with startling green eyes. She looked in her fourties and was wearing the common garment of a local housewife and a dirty apron on top of that. Irulan thought about her name and it swam back to her slowly: Hetaire. She was standing almost in a regal stance, which looked a bit odd in her current attire.  
  
"Why have you come before us?" she said, and her clear voice ringed in the deserted alley. It was a warm spring day, but Irulan could feel the heat building up slowly in the air. She had been looking forward to this meeting and she was still a little bit shaken and stupefied by the idea of finally having come across Darma Druids. To be honest, she had lost hope quite a while ago - not of their existence, but of her chance of finding them. She had been continuing with her quest and asking around for them simply because she did not know what else to do. And at last, they had found her. And even more surprisingly, they had accepted her wish to be one!  
  
"To become one of your own" she said and her voice sounded neutral, devoid of emotion. That was good, for she would not want the excitement in her voice to seep through. It was only a simple ritual to make her acceptance official. The Druids knew all the answers to their questions and far more about her already.  
  
The woman with white hair, standing on her right, old and yet rigid -'Ingmar' she remembered suddenly- spoke and her voice was cold steel. "What are you willing to offer?"  
  
"I have given up my kingdom and my past."  
  
The woman on her left, short brown hair and pretty features -Irulan tried to remember her name as well, but failed- spoke up this time: "Why should we accept you?"  
  
"It is my destiny. As it is yours" she said.  
  
"Will you stand in the circle and be a sister to us?" asked Hetaire.  
  
"It is my will" said Irulan.  
  
They stepped forward then and holding out their hands, each sliced her wrists. Irulan mimicked them. Then they held hands, making sure that the cuts overlapped. Irulan stepped in and joined hands as well.  
  
After a short moment, the circle broke and Irulan stepped back a few steps.  
  
"We shall teach you the Way" said the woman with the short hair. Again she thought about her name, but once again, it evaded her.  
  
Irulan exhaled in relief. She was ready. She had been so ready all her life! She had not felt this happy and satisfied for a very, very long time now. In this dirty, forgotten back alley, she had become a Darma Druid and the dream of a lifetime was fulfilled.  
  
The woman with the brown hair and Ingmar stepped aside while Hetaire stood facing her. "Now?" asked Irulan, astonished. 'They sure see no reason to waste any time' she thought.  
  
Ingmar smiled "We have chores to do girl, we can not take breaks from them whenever we wish". 'Oh..true' she thought, and felt a little stupid. All three of these women were married and had crowded families to take care of. It would take her several months to get used to that idea, as a matter of fact.  
  
"Are you ready?" asked Hetaire.  
  
"I am" said Irulan, although she had no idea what she should be ready for. Yet she took a few more steps back and assumed a defensive combat stance she had learned from Chemarit. She raised her arms and took her position.  
  
"No, you are not" said Hetaire with a smile. She stood relaxed, her head cocked to the side, her eyes glazed, as if she was looking through her.  
  
Irulan did not move. 'I am not as naive as these women think!' she thought bitterly. 'They will see soon enough. Boy, will they be surprised!' An eerie silence settled in for a moment and she could hear birds in the nearby trees twittering, hammers clanging on metal in the distance.....even the soft neighing of horses and the squeaking of wheels.  
  
"Here I come, sister" said Hetaire. Yet she did not move. A moment later Irulan was on the floor, lying on her back, Hetaire's foot on her chest pinning her down. It took her a few moments to understand what actually happened and yet she was SURE that she did not see the other woman move. Irulan looked up at her with utter confusion on her face, unable to blink. Her brain was trying to go back to the moment, to remember what just happened, but all she could come up with was Hetaire standing with her head cocked and then herself, pinned down unceremoniously. Everything in between was missing.  
  
"This, my dear sister, is SHIFTING" said Hetaire and smiled softly, the smile never reaching her cold green eyes.  
  
..............................................  
  
Irulan's eyes popped open. She shivered softly. The answer to her problems seemed to be hunting her in dreams as well, now. She listened and realized that everyone was more or less still in the same position. Gandalf was softy talking to Frodo. She could hear Merry and Pippin whining over something. She sat up and realized that the men were still sitting together, Aragorn smoking and talking with Boromir. Legolas was standing next to them, looking at her, and when their eyes met, he walked up and crouched next to her.  
  
"You were dreaming" he said, but it sounded more like a question.  
  
"Yes" said Irulan with a hoarse voice. She was still not quite used to this nice and kind Legolas. He made her even more uneasy than the other one, mainly because she could not understand what was changing his moods and actions towards her so drastically in the first place. Under these circumstances, next thing you know, she might ask about the weather and end up with an infuriated Legolas again.  
  
"Was it a bad dream?"  
  
Irulan thought about it for a moment. "No. A just one" she replied slowly.  
  
He was still looking at her intently, as if trying to figure out something, when Gandalf spoke up and claimed that he finally knew which way to take. Irulan felt relieved, she could not stand Legolas looking at her like that. And just when she was glad she was rid of one man, behold, here comes Boromir! 'Maybe I should have stayed in disguise' she thought bitterly.  
  
"Irulan" he said softly, grabbing her shoulder and trying to meet her eyes, "are you feeling better?"  
  
"Yes Boromir" she said and all of a sudden felt angry with herself for letting all these men hover around her like this. She did not need help or this kind of interest, damn it! How the hell did it come to this in the first place? One day everyone was keeping their distance and before she knew it, the next day all that was gone, and by the looks of it, gone for good! She looked away, afraid that the anger in her would seep through her eyes, and said coldly "I was alright to begin with. What is the matter with you all?" Boromir was taken aback by her question and moved back a little. "Nothing. I was just......"  
  
"Worried, yes, I know" snapped Irulan unable to do otherwise, "but I don't recall you being this worried for the Black Knight" she said. Boromir literally recoiled and looked away to the others who were already moving ahead. Legolas seemed to be trailing slowly behind, casting them unreadable glances every now and then.  
  
"I am sorry. I know you are fully capable of taking care of yourself" he stammered.  
  
Irulan sighed and looked up at him. "No, I am sorry" she said with a soft but determined voice and as if she meant to be overheard, added with a louder voice "for I have obviously given you reason to think so. It will not happen again." Then she walked off, passing by Legolas without so much as looking at his direction.  
  
The elf and the man stared at each other and then followed her, keeping a safe distance between them.  
  
***  
  
'How can anything built from stone look so striking and mighty?' she thought with her mouth hanging open, looking up at the columns that looked like they reached into the very dark heavens.  
  
"Close your mouth Irulan" said Gimli next to her.  
  
"I am trying but failing" she said, still looking up. "How on earth did you do that?"  
  
Gimli seemed to be bloating with pride. "Hah! Impressed huh?"  
  
"That is an understatement, Master Gimli" she said with awe. "But the thing that I don't understand is...." she hesitated and smiled mischievously, then looking him up and down, added "why would you need such high ceilings in the first place?"  
  
Aragorn snickered behind her and she heard Boromir's laugh. She turned around and winked at them. Legolas, too, had a very satisfied grin on his face.  
  
Gimli's face grew sour instantly. She loved him even more when his face fell like that! He mumbled to himself and strode ahead.  
  
Moments later they were passing by a chamber to their right and he lurched in. Naturally they all followed him.... and stumbled upon his cousin's sarcophagus. Irulan felt horrible. It was the first time she saw Gimli in such pain and it pained her own heart just seeing him so. But she kept back and stood by the door, refusing to come closer to him. She looked away from him to shake off the sorrow that insisted on settling on her and her eyes scanned around the room. It was an enclosed space with a single window. A cold light was seeping through it and falling on the sarcophagus of stone in the middle of the room. Skeletons and armory was scattered throughout the room.  
  
Gandalf was reading from a book he had found next to the tomb. Irulan shivered with the words and their implied meanings. The orcs had invaded this majestic city of the dwarves. They seemed to have killed everyone, and that must have been both a long process (for dwarves would not give up a fight easily), and a terrible one, for she suspected that the number of loss was catastrophic. 'Middle Earth is falling apart. Slowly, yes, but irreversibly. For an orc population to reach the strength and courage to do something like this..this is much graver than I thought' she thought. Worse; news spread slowly in Middle Earth. She could not know if this massacre was repeating itself somewhere else right this moment. It could be anywhere.. In Rohan.. in Mirkwood... In.. her home?  
  
She was startled out of that idea by a very loud clatter and her heart jumped at the effect that noise had in the silence of Moria. Pippin seemed to have dropped something into a well that was standing at the corner of the room, but it sure was more than a piece of stone! The clattering went on and on for several moments and then... Stillness.. They all held their breaths and waited. For what, Irulan had no idea. After more than three days crawling around in these mines and not having come upon anyone, she did not really share Gandalf's paranoia, and very much suspected that the orcs had deserted this place a long time ago.  
  
And that's exactly when the sound of drums began. Distant first, but very unmistakable and getting closer and louder. She winced inwardly. "Next time, trust Gandalf more than your own damn useless instincts" she thought.  
  
When Boromir and Aragorn ran to the entrance, already arrows had begun to fly. They barred the door and moved back, taking the front row. She unhooked her staff and stood beside them.  
  
"Irulan, move to the back" said Aragorn without looking at her. She looked up at him in surprise "What?"  
  
"Move back woman!" he snapped and taken by surprise, she took a step back.  
  
"What are you..?" she was about to say when Boromir interrupted "Yes yes.. Now please..move..BACK!"  
  
Her mouth hung open, but not wishing to argue with two adrenaline-loaded mules, she walked back and stood next to Legolas.  
  
"Irulan please move back" said Legolas to her utter demise. "Legolas, now listen.!" she tried but he, too, had no intention of arguing with her. He did not even look at her, his bow drawn, his looks fixed on the door when he snapped "Irulan, STAY BEHIND ME!"  
  
She took a deep breath and almost stamped back to where Gandalf was staying. "These men!" she thought bitterly but did not find the chance to make any other acidic comments on the issue, for Gandalf's most determined voice boomed beside her "Irulan, get further back, girl!"  
  
"Gandalf!" she began and barely kept herself from turning red with anger now, but Gandalf literally grabbed her arm and very ungracefully shoved her back.  
  
"I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS!" she thought. 'Darma Druid, indeed! Now they all want to protect me..ME!' She wanted to react, to bash their heads right now, but the assault on the door stopped her thoughts and washed them all away. She had barely time to look back, realizing the hobbits had formed a line behind her, all standing with frightened expressions on their faces and their swords in their hands. "Lady Irulan" began Sam, but Irulan was prepared this time "Don't you dare even THINK about it!" she hissed. And thankfully he shut his mouth.  
  
Legolas had begun to shoot his arrows and the door was falling apart already. She held her staff horizontally in front of her and without even thinking -for it had become an instinctive action for her by now- twisted her ankle thrice in the familiar directions. The short piece of metal that looked like a straight club instantly clicked softly, extended, and two leaf-shaped, dull, narrow silver blades snapped out of both ends. She moved her wrist once again very slightly in another fashion and the staff -which very much looked like one now- clicked and extended even a bit further.  
  
And that's when the door gave in. The orcs swarmed in like an ugly flood. Irulan had barely time to exhale slowly, and instantly let calmness wash over her. She had practiced this so often over the years, calmness had become almost like blinking to her - something so easy and done without any further consideration.  
  
The orcs clashed on the fellowship like an ugly, stinking tide. Legolas had scarcely time to let go of the bow, take out his double blades and continue the hacking when his anxiety for her overcame him and he looked back to see if she was alright. And something very strange happened.  
  
Irulan was standing before the hobbits with a black staff that ended with silver blades -where that had come from, he could not imagine- with a relaxed and almost uncaring look on her face. She seemed to be lost in thoughts, her eyes slightly glazed and looking somewhere far off, and for a very short instant he felt panic rise in him, thinking something had happened and that she was not herself at the moment. It did not last long though, for one moment she was standing like that, and the next moment, she was still standing and her position seemed to be almost the same, but pieces of orcs were flying away from her. Legolas felt the hair on the back of his neck rise and only that feeling told him what it was that he had just witnessed.  
  
  
  
Irulan waited patiently. Her body was a pool of radiant water, smooth and cold. Not a single stir, not the tiniest wave. she was calmness itself. She would not risk another failure and she would not take another chance. She knew what to do. When the orcs moved in close enough, she was waiting for them.  
  
Irulan shifted.  
  
And the world stopped. She could see the continuing movement, drastically slowed as it was, and everything was much clearer. She could see every bead of sweat, every smear of dark orcish blood, every strand of hair. All voices disappeared suddenly, for there was no voice here, but only a distant, low buzz that she could not focus on. She thought nothing and felt nothing, for neither feeling nor thought existed in the voyage through time. The concepts of "orc", "blade", "fight", "cut", "blood" left her, and she felt her body act on it's own, cutting down the oncoming wave with an utter precision in two seconds, her right arm swinging out the staff, her wrist making another tiny movement, the staff clicking and extending on the right end while drawing a perfect curve from right to left in one swift movement, going through bone and flesh, through leather and cloth smoothly. When she had drawn it through the last orc on the very left, the orc on the right end who had been hit first by the blade had not yet even begun to fall apart. She drew back her staff and waited another moment for the effects of her blow to take place. As the telltale red line appeared on the first orc's chest from one end to the other and began to widen up slowly, she shifted again.  
  
The world thundered back at her from every direction. The noise and confusion rushed in and filled her ears and eyes mercilessly. She did not even look when the orcs closest to her fell apart in heaps or exploded in an array of limbs, for she was fixed on the second line. This was the most vulnerable moment in the process: the moment when you reverted to real time and when you had to be very alert for the swiftly incoming foe. And fast they were, because they had not yet realized the death of the ones right before them and literally stumbled upon them before Irulan shifted again.  
  
She drew another arc towards the left with her staff and then swung it gracefully in her hand, before bringing it back from left to right to severe the cuts on the creatures before her, hanging in an unseen void, frozen in a mad dance. She did not think of them as orcs now. She did not think at all. It was like running - her arms and legs, her lungs and head moved in perfect unison, reacting to the earth beneath her feet, to the little holes and boulders on the road, to the beat of her heart, to the winding of the path without any trace of thought.  
  
Irulan shifted back and ignoring once more the flying carcass, prepared herself for the third attack. But the third attack was not coming. The orcs on the third wave, barely having seen the first row fall in the most unusual fashion, had stopped in time and were not moving at all. Actually, nobody seemed to be moving. An odd panic took her and her brain tried to determine whether she had shifted again by mistake (which was ridiculous, of course, but nevertheless) or not. No, she was here, in real time, but everything was frozen nevertheless.  
  
She looked around, holding her breath and realized that orc and man, elf and hobbit, dwarf and wizard had stopped fighting and were looking back at her with a curious expression on their faces. Irulan had never shifted and killed in public before and she had often tried to imagine what the reaction to it would be. She was expecting a mixture of awe and confusion, actually. But when she looked around the room now, she saw one common feeling and she knew how her face looked when she had looked up to Hetaire that first time in the old alley - it was nothing else but pure fear. They stared at each other for what seemed centuries and Irulan began to experience the ever growing need to drop the staff and race out the room.  
  
When the cave troll broke in a few moments later and smashed the frozen silence, she almost felt like hugging it with tears of gratitude running down her face. For he brought back the battle. She instantly jumped towards him, her hand that was holding the staff turning without thought, her staff clicking and slightly retracting on the right end, and feeling no need to shift again, managed to deliver a long but shallow cut along his torso. His arm flew towards her, but she jumped up and making a turn in air, landed back on her feet, a few feet further away.  
  
She did not get the chance to tackle the cave troll too much, for all of a sudden Gimli fell and seemed vulnerable in the middle of too many orcs and she shifted, appearing right in front of him to cut the orcish arm that held the blade. Then Gandalf was approached from the back and seemed too busy with the front, so she ran for him. Then it was Aragorn, who was delayed by fighting off two orcs at the same time while he was trying to reach Frodo. So she was there, relieving him of that. And on it went. Until she stood there, blood dripping from her face, sliding from her staff and no one left to fight. Her head was throbbing softly and she felt the heavy pressure that crept in after shifts. 'Okay Irulan, relax..You are alright.You did not overuse it.You are just fine..Breathe' she thought, still a bit disoriented from the fact that everything had ended as abruptly as it had begun.  
  
The cave troll was the last to stand, but soon fell with a last arrow shot by the elf. And everyone ran up to Frodo. But it appears that she was not the only one with secrets. Frodo had a mithril shirt underneath and was luckily spared from the fatal blow he had received form the troll. She could not help herself hugging Frodo softly and then quickly withdrew, not wanting to appear too sentimental.  
  
They rushed out of the room, running along the dark hall of columns and the expected began to happen, for orcs and goblins were closing in on them. And yet the party kept running, refusing to give in. She couldn't see a damn thing, because she was at the end of the group and Gandalf was running ahead with the only light source, and one could not see anything beyond the little circle his staff cast around the company. The hall seemed to be vast, and she had no idea how anyone could have a sense of direction in here.  
  
Legolas was by her side, gracefully sprinting along. He did not seem out of breath at all, and worse, he had no dirt or blood stains on him whatsoever. He looked exactly like he looked before he entered Moria. 'I have to remember asking him how to do that' she thought. "Irulan" he said softly and perfectly calm, "Are you tired? How are you feeling?" Oh...the shifting. She had forgotten that he had witnessed that, moments ago. "Actually I think I am not going to make it Legolas" she shot back, just to be sarcastic. She was tired of saying "I'm alright" all the time. He instantly turned to her, his face a mask of worry, "Don't say such things! Here, let me carry you.." And he moved towards her as if he meant to pick her up.  
  
"Back off, you elf!" she said and could not help laughing even in this grave situation. "I'd rather die than allow myself to be carried by an elf, losing the last bit of pride that I have". Legolas smiled softly, "Actually it is the other way around. It is an honor to be carried by the Prince of Mirkwood" he said with a cool and regal tone. This whole conversation was so out of place and completely absurd! But the mind and the heart did funny things in moments like this.  
  
"Who wants to end up in the arms of an elf, when you get the chance to be slaughtered by a mob of wild orcs" she said matter-of-factly when they stopped, for they had reached a point when they were completely surrounded by them as far as she could see in the darkness. Instinctively they formed a circle, facing the enemy. Legolas smiled down on her again and placing an arrow on his bow, added "Then I shall join you, Irulan" with a voice that spoke of sadness, regret and anger.  
  
She drew her sword. The final hour had come. She would die in a mine. Ironically, in the one that she had loved to read about as a child. "To think I would end up here!" she thought, "With Legolas and Gandalf!" She almost felt like laughing out loud. 'Oh Chemarit would really kick my ass if he saw this. He would say "You can not even protect a darn ring Irulan! How embarrassing is that!" '.  
  
She swallowed softly. 'I hope I'll die first' she thought suddenly, "I don't want to see any of the others going down". But her wish was not to be granted. 


	21. We Are But Falling Leaves

A Balrog saved us.  
  
Or so I thought. Because when it showed up, even the orcs were smart enough to disappear to wherever they had come from.  
  
And when I gazed back, still running -by this time actually only following the others, not knowing where the hell I was going- and I saw that creature from ancient times, I was suddenly not afraid of dragons anymore.  
  
We were running down stairs and then some halls, and then again stairs, and once more stairs, and I could swear that in my entire life as a princess in the castle, I had never run down so many stairs. The heat of the very earth was boiling up, burning my face, the smoke blurring my vision, the stink chocking my lungs. I felt the desire to shift, to leave thought and feeling behind, to go hide in the void of emptiness. The more I think about that chase, the more it becomes a blur in my head, a blur of fire, smoke, fear and running.  
  
A huge piece of rock fell on the staircase right before us and took a rather big chunk of the staircase with it. Legolas and I -now leading the company because he kept dragging me along wherever he went- stood staring at each other. Then he made a graceful leap (I could not describe that merely as a jump) and I jumped after him, making a flip in air and landing a few steps below him. That was the moment the orcs decided to add a little excitement to the whole thing, since it was becoming rather dull. Arrows came flying down on the company. I took out my staff again and extended it, then tried to ward off the attack by swirling it as fast as I could, breaking off the arrows before they could hit anyone.  
  
Everyone managed to jump, except for Aragorn and Frodo, and alas, when it rains, it pours, because not only did the gap between us grow wider to an impossible distance to jump, but also just at that very moment another piece of rock fell once again to the staircase, this time further up, behind them, and created another abyss. Now they were standing on a separate and very loose piece of stairs high above hell -or something very close to it- with a raging Balrog about to arrive and orcs shooting from every direction and nowhere to go. Ain't life fun?  
  
The piece of stairs they were on began to move, slightly tip back and forth and once again I thought "It can only be the end" and once again destiny was but only playing with us. The staircase smashed into the lower part we -caught in the trance of the whole situation- were still standing on, and both Aragorn and Frodo managed to jump and leave it behind before it finally tilted to the right and crumbled away.  
  
Did I mention running down staircases and corridors? Good, cause that continued some more. Then we came upon a very narrow small bridge in the middle of.....nothing. And I decided to turn around and fight the darn Balrog rather than running over that thing (I am not very well with heights). That is, until Aragorn grabbed my hand and began taking me with him. I swear I would have fainted and fallen if it was just me, but the idea of taking Aragorn with me down to that darkness did what nothing else probably could have - it made me cross that horrible piece of architecture. I knew that the exit of Moria was very close now. But yet we lingered, for Gandalf was standing in the middle of said bridge, trying to ward off the Balrog.  
  
I had seen a lot of things in my short life. Some of those sights were too amazing and startling to put to words. This was certainly one of them. I had always admired Gandalf. Hell, there were times when I adored him. He was the symbol of hope for me. He was power enveloped in compassion; wisdom clad in sweetness. He was a piece of my life that, unlike most other parts, I was always fond of recalling and remembering. The very thought that he was and would always be in Middle Earth (for a very long time in my standards anyway) was what had given me the crazy idea that Sauron could be defeated, in the first place. Gandalf was with us - who the heck was Sauron?!  
  
When Gandalf defeated the Balrog and cast him back into that infinite darkness with half of the bridge, I swore silently to myself that I would never mess with him again. Not even for fun. Actually that was a promise I was not sure I could keep, but in moments of awe like that, humans tend to say very funny things. It is because our hearts are touched and we have such an odd reaction to a touch on the heart.  
  
***  
  
Gandalf fell. He fell for us. He had sacrificed himself to save us, to save the quest, to save Middle Earth. He was immortal like me, and I have to admit, I had a very difficult time understanding the death of mortals, but understanding the death of immortals was something even beyond that. When in the very last moment -just when his victory seemed beyond question- the Balrog managed to drag him with it to that abyss from which there could be no return, I felt a part of my heart going down with him. All that knowledge, all that experience, all that kindness bundled up in the form of an old man - lost forever. Middle Earth was certainly at great loss that day. That I would live to see Mithrandir die....Alas! We are but names....leaves falling in autumn. Immortal or not, we fall and vanish.  
  
My feet kept running with everyone else, for I did not know what else to do. When I finally left Moria, the cold blue daylight fell on me after four days of total darkness, but even that I could not grasp, for my senses were dulled by the pain I had just experienced. We kept running until we were a good distance away from the cursed place - as if putting distance between us and that place would help to put a distance between us and the pain as well. Boromir emerged from the darkness, carrying a protesting Frodo and close behind him was Aragorn, dragging Irulan with him. I had never seen her like that, and my heart went out to her. She seemed more like a lost little child at that moment than anything else. Lost, confused, helpless.....and very, very angry.  
  
I ran back to Aragorn and it took the both of us to keep dragging her away from the entrance to the mines. Irulan was kicking and screaming and I saw a madness in her eyes that I had not seen before, and at that moment my fear for her actually overcame my grief for Gandalf. We held on strong and did not let go until we were a good distance off and Irulan more or less secured underneath us. She was pressed to the cold rocks, her arm bent behind her, not crying and not making a sound, but tears rolling down her face.  
  
"Legolas, hold her" Aragorn said and carefully let go. Irulan did not move. I felt suddenly afraid that we had hurt her in some way. "Irulan" I said, "Irulan......please.....answer me.....are you alright?" She would not answer and I looked up at Aragorn but he was walking away, gently massaging his forehead, not looking back. "Irulan" I tried again, the fear for her taking hold of me now.  
  
"Get off me" she said softly, "you are hurting me", and I swiftly stood up.  
  
  
  
****  
  
"Irulan.... please look at me" Legolas was saying, but Irulan could not hear him. She heard his words, but she could not put them together - much less understand them. It was like hearing a foreign language; she heard the vowels and consonants, but there was no meaning to them.  
  
'Breathe Irulan....breathe.....calm down' another familiar voice was saying in her head, but she could not understand that one either. In her head, voices, smells, images were constantly overlapping, merging, creating odd shapes and sounds.  
  
  
  
Irulan was barely 6, running into the room where her father and Gandalf were sitting in front of the fire, smoking and talking in deep comfortable voices. Her heart was filled with joy, she was so happy....it was the best day in her life and there would, could never be a better one! For she had finally discovered her true love!  
  
"Father!" she yelled, and her voice came out so high, so shrill. Did she ever have a voice like that? Irulan could not remember. "I know whom to marry!" she was screaming when she finally reached the men. They both turned to look to her, surprise on their faces. Irulan stood by her father's massive chair, panting, the fire softly licking her face.  
  
King Kanduin was laughing -it had been so long since she heard him laugh.....was that really how he used to laugh? She could not recall for sure- and so was Gandalf. "Well who is this lucky groom?" said her father.  
  
"Gandalf the Grey, of course" said Irulan and ran to jump on the lap of a very surprised Gandalf who was now coughing wildly.  
  
Kanduin laughed even harder. "Well....don't you think he is a bit too old for you?" he said in amusement. Irulan could not understand what he meant, but she thought about it for a moment.  
  
"Why.....I am 6.....he must be...." she looked at Gandalf, smiling down at her, ".....he must be 20. Is that a lot?"  
  
Both men laughed again. "Well Irulan" said Gandalf softly, "I am quite older than that".  
  
"I thought about everyone I know....and I know that I want to marry you Gandalf" she said a bit disappointed now.  
  
"Maybe you'll know others in time, Irulan"  
  
"There is no way I could love ANYONE more than you!" she said and hugged him with all her strength. Gandalf chuckled and patted her back.  
  
  
  
  
  
Saime was waving a piece of paper at Gandalf's nose, with a very angry expression on her flushed face. Irulan had never seen her flushed before! Another similar piece of paper was in Stampa's hand and she too looked very irritated. Actually more like ashamed. Gandalf was as red in the face as the others -if not more- and even from this distance, the company altogether was indeed a sight to see! She slowly turned around to retreat behind the corner and placed her back to the wall again, resisting the strong urge to giggle.  
  
"Lady Saime...." he was stammering, backing away from the much shorter and shriveled woman, "I assure you....."  
  
"Oh spare me Master Gandalf! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Saime spat and together with Stampa, continued to approach him.  
  
"But please, listen..."  
  
"We will NOT listen to your lies!" boomed Stampa. "Even a tree would be wiser at your age!" she yelped. "And to think that you can play both of us at the same time!"  
  
"But I never....."  
  
"That's right! Never thought we would find out about your little game, did you!" screamed Saime.  
  
"No.....I meant.."  
  
"You men are pathetic!" yelled Stampa, and Irulan turned to risk another peek around the corner just in time to see the extremely thin and the extremely fat woman stamping off together, still talking with a wild fury.  
  
"I did not write those, I tell you!" boomed Gandalf behind them. Irulan clasped her hand to her mouth.  
  
"IRULAN!" thundered Gandalf's voice a moment later through the castle and she could swear she heard that voice as if her whole body was one big ear.  
  
  
  
  
  
"What kind of behavior is that? Especially you two should know better! Where did all that royal blood in you go?" was saying Gandalf with exasperation. He was pacing back and forth before the two little girls. "I barely persuaded your fathers to leave the punishment to me, otherwise I don't know what your fate would have been!"  
  
A few moments passed in silence. Then he stopped and looked at them. "Irulan, now tell me this story from the very beginning one last time.....why did you punch Endor in the face?"  
  
Irulan looked up with one purple eye, smoothed her skirt and pushed her chin up. "I told you, I did not. I bit his leg. That honor was hers."  
  
Gandalf turned to the other girl. "Well?"  
  
"He called us GIRLS!" said Eowyn and smiled a toothless smile.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Irulan, you know Chemarit will nevertheless always be with you" said Gandalf. She was sitting on the windowsill, looking out into the forest. The sun was going setting, and everything in the world was shades of red and orange. She did not turn around when Gandalf softly squeezed her shoulder.  
  
"I don't think so, Gandalf" she said softly. Another tear rolled down her face. "I think....." she said and a moment of silence followed. This time she did turn around and look at him with all the sorrow painted on her face, "I think the chickens in the other world are tastier. He'll never come back".  
  
  
  
  
  
"Lady Amargath....I assure you" was stammering Gandalf and waving his arms in desperation. His face was red again. "Yes!" thought Irulan with pleasure from her hiding place. "I love to see his face like that!"  
  
"Lady Queen....I did not..." he tried again. Amargath held up one slender hand and he stopped immediately, looking down with a very embarrassed expression.  
  
"I know Master Gandalf" she said and handed him the piece of paper. "I have enough sense to know that you do not intend to run off with me for a.....what was it......'new and exciting life'. Now if you will excuse me.....I must talk to my daughter".  
  
"Honestly, so must I" sighed Gandalf in relief and continued patting his sweaty forehead with his handkerchief.  
  
  
  
  
  
But Gandalf would never talk to her again. He was gone.  
  
Irulan jumped up and reeled around, running back to the mines. And she almost made it too. Unfortunate for her, Legolas landed right on top of her just a few feet before the entrance. "Let me go!" she screamed, trying to get rid of him. She would have shifted, but shifting was no good in situations like things. Objects seemed to be a lot heavier in the void, very much like objects underwater. "It is the potential of movement embedded in them" Ingmar had said. "You see, although they seem to have slowed to your eyes, they are moving, and when you shift, they are carrying the potential of a yet uncompleted movement in them. It would be much harder trying to stop or redirect a moving object in the void".  
  
"Get off me!" she tried again, but Legolas had no intention of letting go. If anything, he strengthened his grip on her.  
  
"NO" he said. "Irulan stop. You can not help him anymore!"  
  
She would not listen. She had to go there and kill that accursed Balrog, even if it meant jumping to hell after it!  
  
"Irulan" he said softly now to her ear, He was pinning her down, one arm securely wrapped around her arm and her waist, "Please.....please stop"  
  
Irulan wanted to go on anyway, but her strength began to fail her. "Legolas" she cried, "let me go".  
  
"I can not" he whispered to her ear. "I can not".  
  
So he held her until her pain bled into the rocks right in front of Moria, and seeped from her heart into the earth. Aragorn called out to them, saying that they had to move on. Legolas told him to go ahead, that the two of them would join the rest of the group soon. Even after he released her, he sat beside her for a long time, speaking in elvish, gently stroking her back. And although Irulan could not understand a single word (for she did not know elvish), she felt the words quieting her heart and slowly dampening her feelings.  
  
  
  
"We are but names....leaves falling in autumn. Immortal or not, we fall and vanish" said Legolas in elvish and Irulan turned her head and looked him in the eye. That's when everything became suddenly very clear, and just like he knew that he was sitting on the cold rocks in front of Moria on that cool day as Legolas, son of Thandruil, Prince of Mirkwood, he knew he was very much in love with her. 


	22. Confessions in the Dark

Hey everyone;  
  
Some news and replies:  
  
Spaceman - thank you for the criticism. I know that the language can change drastically in this story. I tried to write Irulan's part (her thoughts and feelings) more like I imagined her to think -which turned out to be a 'rougher' language- while Legolas certainly comes across as much finer, as do some of the dialogues in official circles etc. For instance, I can not imagine Legolas ever saying "darn", but I can not imagine Irulan forming a single coherent thought without it :)  
  
Rachel, I know how much you want Boromir to live. But my dear friend and supporter, as much as I am capable of changing things, even I can not make a drastic change like that. Don't worry about the competition, Legolas will always have enough competition. But Boromir not dying would cause me some serious trouble with the story. But you've given me an interesting idea - maybe I will write a spin off with Boromir NOT dying, some day..sounds interesting to me.  
  
As to both the title of the story and my name being Irulan..yes, that seems to disturb me as well more and more. First of all, my name is not Irulan. I picked it because of the heroine's name. But it sounds like I am writing a story about myself, which is certainly not true - I fancy having common characteristics with Irulan, but she has many differences as well. So I might end up changing the author's name in a while, in which case I'll let you know.  
  
As for the updates...they were rather frequent up to this point. However, we might have some delays the upcoming week, for, alas, the call of the sea...er...real life...has become irresistible, mainly because of the bulk of stuff that's piled up there since I began to write the story!!  
  
But I will keep updating anyway, because I am as curious about the whole thing as much as you are.  
  
Everyone else - a BIG thank you!!! You know who you are. There are people who have been constantly reviewing almost each of my chapters from the very beginning and I am in gratitude for that. It really says a lot and I read each and every one with great interest and care...more than once, actually.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They caught up with the party in an hour, thanks to Legolas, whose elven eyes seemed to know no distance. The running felt good. It burned her muscles and her lungs and the pain made her forget the deeper pain in her heart. When they finally joined the others, once again she strayed away a little, isolating herself. As usual, everyone pretended not to notice. They were in a miserable shape themselves. Each was struggling with the long and tiresome walk to the echo of his own inner battle. Gandalf had played an irreplaceable role in the life of all members of this group, no matter how long or short their acquaintance might be, and left the same mark upon his departure. More than that, she could feel it in the air - they felt lost. There was a gloom on the party, as if they had already failed the quest. She tried not to give in to that lure of self-pity and desperation - after all, Gandalf's sacrifice should never be in vain. But in her heart, she was failing to find hope again.  
  
"I know how you feel" said a voice beside her. Frodo was walking alongside her, apart from the others. His red eyes and his down beaten appearance told her only what she already suspected. Maybe she was wrong.....maybe she was more like Frodo than Aragorn or any other on the Fellowship.  
  
Yet....she did not want to sound as desperate as she felt. She could not show her true feelings to this little creature, who seemed to be as sentimental as her, and had yet agreed to bear the task of the ringbearer. No other's burden was heavier. "So they dragged you out, too, huh?" she managed finally. Her voice came out hoarse but thankfully the sadness was missing from it.  
  
Frodo looked up in surprise. "Yeah......" he said a few moments later. "Boromir did. I don't know where I would have been if he didn't." He seemed to be happily surprised by the change of subject.  
  
"Boromir?" said Irulan and tried to put her heart into it, "aren't you lucky! I had to deal with two men who pinned me down and SAT on me!"  
  
Frodo's eyes widened. "Well......you seemed to be a bit more....."  
  
"Wild?"  
  
Frodo smiled. 'Thank the heavens for that smile!' she thought. "What can I say? I'm a princess!" she said matter-of-factly. Frodo's smile deepened at that and she felt her heart warming up at his reaction.  
  
"Frodo" she said after a minute of silence, "I think......I think everyone is eventually walking his or her own path. And sometimes.....sometimes even though we need to go our own ways and fulfill our own destinies, people grow so fond of each other, they don't want to part ever again. And that's when something or someone makes that necessary decision FOR us. Sometimes it's the stronger person..and sometimes it's fate. It always eventually turns out for the best" she said, not having the slightest clue what she was talking about.  
  
Frodo, though, looked at her as if he did. He nodded slightly and together they slowly went back to the rest of the group, to a very anxiously waiting Sam.  
  
'I shall grieve for you later Gandalf' she thought. 'I shall grieve for you later'.  
  
***  
  
It was a long walk to Lothlorien. And no matter how hard she tried, the monotonous and silent walking made her thoughts keep going back to that dreadful line of thought. 'I guess we should have stayed on that damn mountain after all' she thought ruefully. 'You can not know that he would not have died there either' said the voice in her head. 'Please...not the destiny monolog again!' thought Irulan with displeasure. 'What are you talking about? I meant Saruman and his avalanches, silly girl!' Great! Along with all its appalling faculties, the voice in her head seemed to have gained the talent of making her feel stupid, as well! Alas, when this quest was over, she should just go ahead and throw herself into Mount Doom along with that ring. Better that, than running around as the distorted moronic creature she was becoming.  
  
She glanced at Legolas, who was walking close by, in a dreamy state. 'I have no idea who this elf is' she thought all of a sudden. 'Every time just when I think I have figured him out, he turns around and looks at me and it is a completely different Legolas, and once more the painful process of trying to understand him begins. I wonder if elves can be understood the way humans can. Maybe..maybe they are not created to be understood like that at all'. She shook her head gently. 'Not to mention that I am making a complete fool out of myself every time he is around. He is the only one who always manages to make me feel inexperienced and childish. Maybe he has that effect on everyone..after all..compared to him we ARE all just children. But what if elves do not age and mature the way we do? We keep thinking of them like HUMANS who happen to be thousands of years old. But maybe it is not like that at all..'  
  
"Irulan..." - Boromir's voice almost made her jump. He looked like he was half expecting that jump. "I am sorry. You looked in deep thought. But I wanted to talk to you".  
  
"No problem, Boromir. What is it?" she said softly.  
  
They walked in silence side by side for a few moments, softly crushing the long and withered grass underneath their heels, instinctively falling behind to feel comfortable with a private conversation. "How are you feeling?" he added then reluctantly.  
  
"Better than I normally would be under the circumstances, I guess" she said, hoping that it made sense. Nothing she said today made sense to her, but everybody else seemed to understand. Or maybe their minds were somewhere else too, and they were not really listening.  
  
Boromir nodded silently. Again a silence prevailed. Irulan turned and looked at him. He seemed to look very tired. His hair was in disarray, his clothes rumpled and dirty, he had bags under his eyes. But she had seen him like this often enough. There was a tiredness to him that had not been there before. As if he was going through some other struggle that was depleting him day by day. 'Give him a break, Irulan' she thought, 'this quest is not easy for anyone'.  
  
"You look terrible, Boromir" she said with a hint of amusement.  
  
He did not hear that tinge in her voice though. He looked into the distance with a very grave expression on his face. "I feel terrible, too".  
  
"What is it?" said Irulan softly, all of a sudden aware of the gravity of the situation. "You know you can tell me."  
  
He looked at her then and she could not remember anyone looking at her with that much trust, admiration and love. The twinkle that had been there for some time now was gone -at least for now- and she could feel him reaching to her with something she could only describe as true and sincere friendship "I know" he said softly.  
  
Another silence followed. Irulan did not want to push him. She decided to remain silent and wait, in case he felt like sharing. Twilight was falling slowly. Although they were walking through trees, the woods of Lothlorien were yet a good distance away. They would not make it until the next day. But they were quite far from Moria now. She doubted that they would encounter orcs here, where they had no place to hide from the bright daylight.  
  
"Do you think about the ring?" Boromir suddenly said. She had been so lost in her own thoughts once more; she barely kept herself from jumping again.  
  
"The Ring of Power?" she asked, merely to buy some time.  
  
Boromir nodded gravely. Irulan sighed and thought about what to say. "Of course I do" she said slowly. "I don't think there's anybody who doesn't, these days. Starting with you-know-who in Mordor" she said, smiling. This whole issue about the ring made her uneasy. 'Because you are afraid to be tempted yourself' the voice hissed in her. 'Whatever' she shot back.  
  
Boromir smiled too. 'I think about it too. I think about it a lot" he said. "And the more I think about it..the more I think that I made a mistake in joining this fellowship".  
  
Irulan was surprised. She quickly glanced around to see if anybody else was close enough to hear the conversation. She did not want Boromir's feelings so openly exposed to another member of the fellowship right now. Everybody was walking on the edge of a blade as it was, and they certainly did not need yet another reason to be uneasy around each other. After she became satisfied that no one seemed to pay any attention and that they had put a good enough distance between themselves and the rest of the group, she turned back to Boromir.  
  
"Why do you say that my friend?" she said softly.  
  
"Irulan" he said painfully, "I FEEL it. I feel its pull. There are days when I can not think about anything else but what I could do with it. I could save Gondor..I could save whole Middle Earth! All this." he waved his hand, roughly including the rest of the party, "...all this pain, this loss..." -he briefly glanced at her and she knew he meant Gandalf- "....seems unnecessary at times like that".  
  
She waited another moment and then said "But?"  
  
"But..but even though a part of me desires this with a terrible force, another part in me knows it's WRONG. I fear that there is a battle in me that is fiercer than any battle I have fought in this world. I fear...I fear that I can not win it. Worse, I don't know if I really want to" he said finally.  
  
"Don't say that Boromir" Irulan said and she felt her heart sink at his pain. This was no ordinary man. This man was carrying the burden of a kingdom under constant threat on his shoulders and she had not once heard him wince with the pain of that responsibility. Now seeing him like this -broken in spirit and heart- made her feel oddly afraid.  
  
"Look at me" she said and stopped walking. Boromir, taken by surprise, stopped too and looked at her. It was getting dark fast, but their outlines were easy enough to see. "You are one of the bravest men I have ever met. I am proud to have met you, to have fought by your side. And no matter how this ends, I am honored for all the chances I had to put my life in danger alongside with you. You are a king, Boromir. A king of man" she said. He opened his mouth but she stopped him.  
  
"No, I'm not finished. You have to remember though, even kings have moments of weakness. We are humans, Boromir. Weakness is a part of our spirit, whether we like it or not. It is what makes us fall, yes, but how can we ever get up, dust ourselves and keep on walking and become stronger for doing so if we never fall?" -'I hope Legolas doesn't hear me saying this' she thought. 'No doubt he would have his precious two cents to add to it'- "Do not be afraid of falling as long as you have friends with you" she said and placed her hand on his shoulder.  
  
Boromir said nothing. He was looking at her with and intense look, she could feel that, but she could not see his eyes in the dark. 'Let us just hope that he gets the message' she thought. An uneasy silence settled in and she slowly took back her arm from his shoulder and clenched her hands behind her back. She would have moved back a step if that wouldn't have been a too obvious act of discomfort. 'Say something, stupid man!' she thought nervously.  
  
"Irulan..." said Boromir finally and she ignored the husky tone his voice had when he said her name, "do you know the only time I am not thinking about that damn ring?"  
  
She did not answer. "When I am thinking of you" he said softly.  
  
Irulan closed her eyes. 'I knew this was going to happen!' she thought bitterly. 'There goes the Black Knight FOREVER!'  
  
To her utter horror Boromir moved closer to her and she was so stupefied by the whole situation, that she couldn't step back now when she most certainly needed to.  
  
"Irulan! Boromir!" came Legolas' voice at that instant and she could not remember if she ever had been happier to hear it. Boromir quickly drew back as Legolas emerged from the darkness and walked up to them. He looked from one to the other and then added "Aragorn has chosen a spot to camp for tonight. He does not want us to stray too far from it".  
  
The three stood silently for a few moments. 'Now from where do I remember this moment?' she thought all of a sudden. There was something very familiar about the whole situation, but she could not put her finger on it.  
  
"It's in that direction" Legolas pointed ahead, slightly towards their left, all the time his eyes never leaving Boromir. Boromir refused to move for another moment, and then reluctantly began walking that way. Soon enough his silhouette disappeared in the settling darkness.  
  
Irulan looked up to see Legolas looking her directly in the eye.  
  
"What?" she said defiantly. 'People should be banned for looking like that' she thought with unease.  
  
Legolas did not answer immediately. "What were you talking about?" he asked slowly.  
  
"Oh so you were not eavesdropping this time?" she said almost sarcastically. 'Curb it Irulan! This elf saved your life today..probably your soul too' she heard the voice in her head.  
  
Her words had no effect on him, though. He gave no reaction whatsoever. "I can not tell you" she finally said with a tired sigh.  
  
"Why not?" he shot back coldly.  
  
"Because it is confidential" she said and crossed her arms in front of her. 'Since when do I have to report to the Prince of Mirkwood?' she thought, annoyed now.  
  
"Confidential" he whispered, rolling the word in his mouth very slowly, his eyes never leaving hers.  
  
"Yes. But I can tell you this much, it did not involve you, you paranoid elf" she said, hoping that he would stop being so serious.  
  
His eyebrows shot up at that. 'Damn. I hate it when I make an attempt for a joke and it is slapped away like that!'  
  
"Legolas..do you have a confession to make as well? Because I am getting rather good at this" she said with impatience.  
  
"A confession?" whispered Legolas, and his face seemed to pale slightly. But it could easily have been just the trick of the moonlight.  
  
'Irulan, you have the BIGGEST mouth in MIDDLE EARTH!' she thought and felt like slapping herself in the face. That would make the situation look even weirder, though. "Yes" she said, trying to sound as normal as she could, "Boromir had something on his heart that he wanted to share with me. Maybe you do too?" she said, matter-of-factly.  
  
Legolas looked away. Damn, it was too dark; she could not read his expression. 'Like you can when it is bright daylight!' snorted the voice. He seemed to be sad...and oddly...angry. She quickly thought back about the conversation they were having and tried to remember if she had said something that might have hurt him.  
  
"Legolas...what is it?" she said a moment later. 'Please do not change on me again! I am so sick and tired of this! It is making me crazy!' she thought pleadingly. And without thinking about it, she reached out and put her hand on his cheek, softly turning his face to her. As soon as she touched him, however, she realized that it was the biggest mistake ever. He slightly jumped at her touch, and to her own very surprise, so did she. Irulan quickly took two steps back and at this point, did not give a damn about how ridiculous that looked. She didn't look up, but she could nevertheless feel his eyes on her.  
  
'These men are driving me crazy!' she thought in utter desperation. 'The longer I stay with them, the more I lose control. It took me years to build up that control and now I am acting very much like some little girl again!' She swallowed softly and prepared herself to walk towards the camp, leaving Legolas behind, but he spoke up at that moment and she felt herself rooted to where she was standing.  
  
"The last time you did that" he said slowly, "was years ago. I remember very well. Do you?"  
  
Despite her nervousness, Irulan chuckled at the memory. "Yes...I guess I keep grabbing you without really thinking about my actions" she said, vividly remembering how they had met five years ago, when she had decided to lay a hand on his shoulder out of the blue. There was an eerie silence and once again she desperately felt the desire to turn around and run to the camp.  
  
"I thought about that moment many times" he said, and again she was forced to remain. She could hear the chirping of crickets now and saw the soft light of a rising moon flowing very slowly like milk over the darkness.  
  
"I am sorry that I did not tell you" she said suddenly. He did not answer, so she went on. "I wanted to, I really did...but I was afraid that you would come after me". There, she had said it! Although she would not admit it to herself for the longest time, she had been wishing for another chance to meet Legolas once more - even if it would be only long enough for her to say how sorry she was that she had not revealed the truth about her 'death' to him before. And yet, so many things happened since she was finally granted that wish, that she had not found it in her heart to say the words to him. His awful attitude in the beginning hadn't been very helpful, either. But now that she had uttered that sentence gnawing at her conscience since the very night she rode off the Valley of Bones, she felt a piece of heaviness lifting from her heart.  
  
As usual, she did not hear Legolas approach, but all of a sudden he was standing before her, with all his regal beauty. In the growing moonlight, he seemed to be even more striking. Irulan understood then that the world would never be the same without the elves. 'Middle Earth will weep at the parting of something so beautiful' she thought. 'I hope I will not live to see those days'.  
  
"You were right" he said, "I would have come after you".  
  
A long moment passed and neither moved. Irulan was pretty sure that Legolas could hear her stupid heart beating like crazy when he was standing so close to her and she felt a wave of utter uneasiness and discomfort hitting her. She carefully avoided looking at him, afraid that she would not be able to look away and something very, very dangerous would happen. Her memory was sharp enough when it came to remembering the few but unforgettable days she had spent with this particular elf.  
  
"I think we should go back now" Legolas said, to her surprise. He sounded very unhappy about saying it, but at least he had managed to. Irulan did not think that she would have been able to form a single coherent sentence at that moment. She exhaled softly.  
  
"Yes, I think we should. Otherwise Aragorn will soon come looking". After a moment she added "I would not want to be dragged away by the two of you again", sarcasm ever so slightly creeping back to her voice.  
  
Legolas chuckled lightly and she finally found the courage to look up at him. He had a mischievous smile on his face and stood with his hands clasped behind his back. Realizing that the odd tension had disappeared, Irulan rolled her eyes and shook her head somewhat with relief.  
  
"To think that it took a ranger and an elf to drag out a mere woman!" Legolas said and began walking along with her towards the camp that was easy to see make out now by the dull glow of a small fire.  
  
"Mere woman?!" yelped Irulan.  
  
"Oh my apologies..did I say 'woman'?"  
  
"Just exactly how much longer are you planning to bring up that incident?" she sighed with despair.  
  
"Honestly, I had something like 'all eternity' in mind".  
  
"One of these days, Legolas..." began Irulan and her voice faded into the night as the two figures slowly merged with the soft darkness around them. 


	23. Once You Truly Open Your Heart

Note to the story: I took the freedom to follow a more realistic time-line with this story. The distance between Khazad-dum and Lothlorien is simply too great to take in a few hours and I am sure that they skipped these parts normally in the movie for reasons of continuing with the story. However, these extra days barely give me enough chance to build the story inch by inch. And it occurred to me the other day, if we continue with this pace, this will be a very long story indeed. A bit TOO long, probably. Sigh...better to get on with it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The next day was not better at all. The air of defeat and loss hung in the air like a sharp scent. She looked from one face to the other and could not decide who looked worse. Some showed it less than others, true, but having traveled with these men for so long now, she knew that even those who seemed to be better off were in immense pain and probably feeling very much guilty as well. It was common to blame yourself more and more over an incident like this as time passed. The mind would reel back to that instant, always finding other options that could have saved the day.  
  
'This torment ends here,' she thought all of a sudden. 'We can not keep this up and hope to fulfill this quest!' The truth was, she was frightened that the most powerful men in Middle Earth, chosen for the most challenging quest, looked so weak and lost. 'If they feel that way.....than what the hell am I supposed to feel?' she thought bitterly, 'I am a woman, damn it! They are supposed to be the stronger gender! Isn't that what they have been bragging about for ages?' Her inner voice, of course, never missed the chance: 'Oh now Irulan is a woman? Will wonders never cease?!'  
  
Irulan ignored it completely. She took a look around. They would reach Lothlorien today towards the afternoon. That was still a long time ahead and it was about time that the mood changed.  
  
"Did you know that once Gandalf and I traveled for a whole week together when I was 9?" she said suddenly.  
  
The silence at that moment had been so deep, she almost winced hearing her own voice searing it. Everyone looked around, more to the sound of her voice than to what she said. She looked at the tired frowns on their faces. "I tried to convince him to adopt me......or something like that, throughout that whole week. If not that, at least to accept me as an apprentice," she added dreamily.  
  
Aragorn grinned and Boromir laughed softly. She felt as if the clouds had parted and the sun had shone on her face when she saw their mild joy.  
  
"And?" asked Pippin, too glad to finally be able to talk out loud after such a long silence.  
  
"Do I look like an apprentice wizard to you?"  
  
"No, I meant the adopting part."  
  
Everyone stared at him silently for a long time and he began to squirm under their inspections, until Merry hit him on the head. And suddenly they were laughing. First it was a nervous laughter, but soon became sincere and sounded more like relief than anything else.  
  
"I remember him and Bilbo -my uncle- causing all kinds of trouble in the Shire," said Frodo, still laughing softly.  
  
"Yes indeed," added Sam with enthusiasm, "many folk grew quite wary of him after that."  
  
"I met your uncle in Rivendell," said Irulan, "he seemed to be a very interesting person."  
  
"Oh he is!" said Frodo. "But he is far more than that for a hobbit. Now that I think about it.....he is very much like Gandalf. He did quite a bit traveling himself. You see.....hobbits don't leave the Shire too willingly."  
  
"So I heard. Unfortunately I have never been to the Shire. But Gandalf used to muse about it. He loved it there," she said and another short, sad silence set in when his name was mentioned.  
  
"I met him in the woods close to Rivendell when I was much younger," Aragorn said suddenly. He seemed to be lost in the memory. "I was so naive.....and he was so different from what I thought an Istari would look like......."  
  
"Yes......Mithrandir always preferred the company of others -humans, elves and dwarves alike- more than any other Istari as far as I know," sad Legolas softly.  
  
"He was a good man," mumbled Gimli. Irulan knew only too well that he had been constantly blaming himself over his death, for he had been the one who insisted on going through Moria.  
  
"Not always, I assure you," she said, mocking displeasure. "That staff HURT, I tell you!"  
  
They looked at her with pure surprise. Irulan grinned back, nodding. "And he had this nasty habit of pulling ears. Damn, that hurt too!" she said.  
  
"Oh yes!" chirped Pippin in excitement. "That truly DID hurt."  
  
Legolas was laughing softly now, along with Aragorn and Boromir. Gimli too chuckled ever so slightly. Sam and Frodo were exchanging amused looks, shaking their heads.  
  
"Tell me about it!" she said, "Not to mention the PUNISHMENTS!" She threw up her hands in despair. "The dark clouds of my childhood!"  
  
"Did he make you wash thousands of dishes, too?" asked Merry.  
  
"I wish!" said Irulan. "He had more devious ideas when it came to me, I think."  
  
"And what did the innocent little princess do to deserve those punishments?" said Aragorn with obvious amusement.  
  
"Well.......so alright, maybe I deserved some of those......Like the time I wrote a love letter to my master Chemarit pretending it came from him and convinced him that Gandalf was in love with him."  
  
They all gasped and turned around to look at her. "You did WHAT?" said Boromir and this time Gimli was howling with laughter.  
  
"Well.....I had written a love letter from him to every woman I knew in the kingdom....and then.....naturally there were only the men left." Legolas looked like he could stumble and fall any moment, unable to walk while laughing so hard; and even Aragorn was beyond himself. Frodo and Sam were baffled and looked from her to each other, then back to her again. Merry and Pippin were wiping tears from their eyes.  
  
"So what happened?" said Pippin, finally finding the voice to speak.  
  
"I can only tell you this.....you'll never believe how monstrous, fast and cruel old men can become in an INSTANT! I could not sit for a whole week!"  
  
So they kept on talking about Gandalf, about the good times, sometimes about grave and sad times. They talked about home and their families, what normal life for them had been like before this quest. They talked about all the places some of them had been to and the things they had seen. A gasp ran through the group when Legolas revealed his age and a silent admiration followed when he told them about the misty and damp mornings in the mountains of Emyn Duil in Mirkwood. Gimli told them how Khazad-dûm really looked like when dwarves where still living there and all were more or less mesmerized by the images that floated in their heads. Boromir and Irulan talked about the battles they had with orcs. Aragorn obviously had been almost everywhere and although not an eager talker, he still shared some of the oddities he had seen in Middle Earth. The hobbits talked about the Shire and everyone seemed to be more interested in that than anything else, for none of the others had been to the Shire before.  
  
The memories slowly engulfed them, becoming some odd common history and binding them to each other. Irulan knew the power of such sharing. It was her experience that sharing was the strongest bond between people. Once you truly opened your heart and allowed someone else to take a look at it, it became a moment of no return - something that bound both sides and made them remember that moment forever. She did not have many such moments in her life - much less in the past five years. It felt more than good. For the first time since they had met, she felt like they were a part of her and she a part of them. For the first time, she felt that they were a Fellowship indeed - and that no matter what happened from now on, they would stay so, each taking this experience to their graves sooner or later.  
  
  
  
***  
  
Finally they reached the woods of Lothlorien as a group of strangers no more. They glimpsed the golden woods from a hill first and Irulan was amazed by the thick array of trees, all in beautiful colors of gold, brown, red, yellow and pale green. She even thought that she could see the famous golden mallorn trees further in the distance. The realm of Lorien elves - of the infamous Lady Galadhriel! She had longed to come here for many years now, but her training and the following years in Gondor had made it rather hard to ride past these woods. She came close only once, but met no elves. Maybe they had seen her and realizing that she was no orc, let her pass at a safe distance.  
  
Before long they were walking among the first trees - the light was much softer here and there was an odd stagnancy in the air. She had felt the same tinge in Rivendell - as if time had stopped or slowed and there was a sort of "deepness" to the place. It was obviously the typical aura of the places elves resided in.  
  
Gimli was quite nervous about the whole trip into Lothlorien. Actually he seemed to be much more comfortable around orcs rather than elves. The enmity and the cold war between the two races were very well known in Middle Earth and neither Gimli nor Legolas seemed to be untainted by it. He kept telling scary stories about the so-called "Elf Witch" of terrible power living here. The hobbits looked quite affected by his tales and Irulan was about to tell him to save his horrible stories for some other time, when she felt the tip of an arrow on her throat.  
  
Her eyes widened slightly and she quickly risked a glance around to see that the rest of the company was not in a different situation. 'I had almost forgotten about the sinister ways of the elves,' she thought bitterly, her annoyance more due to being caught so swiftly and so unknowingly than anything else. She thought about shifting for a second. She looked up at Aragorn who was looking at her, as if he had sensed her line of thought. Irulan raised her eyebrows, but Aragorn faintly shook his head.  
  
Just at that moment a soft voice spoke up: "The dwarf was making so much noise, we could have shot him in the dark," it said and Irulan slightly turned her head to see another elf -this one without bow or arrow- join the company. He had long, straight blonde hair as did the others, but was clad a bit more glamorously. Irulan guessed him to be some sort of captain or leader. His delicate elven features revealed neither warmness, nor hostility.  
  
Irulan winced at his remark but could not keep herself from smiling slightly. "Well...you deserved that one, my friend Gimli," she thought with amusement. The elf looked from one to the other and lingered on her a moment longer. Being in the same company for some time now and having discarded her disguise, she had forgotten what the effect of her appearance had to strangers. The elf's delicate eyebrows arched, taking in the garbs and weapon of this mortal woman. But other than that, he gave no indication of surprise.  
  
Aragorn began to speak to him softly in elvish and he listened intently. Until once again Gimli broke in: "Aragorn! These woods are perilous! We should go back!" The captain of the elves, however, already had something else in mind. "You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Woods. You can not go back." And casting a glance at Frodo, he added "Come, she is expecting you."  
  
Irulan sighed with relief when the arrows disappeared and the company, although a bit uneasy, continued with their journey ever deeper into the woods. Aragorn and Legolas had taken the front lead and being too curious about the whole matter (especially since it concerned elves) she gained on them and began walking closer to the lead as well. Legolas looked down at her as if he meant to grab her and pull her closer to himself for protection. She shot back a 'don't-you-dare!' look and resumed her walk.  
  
"You look odd for a mortal woman," she heard the captain elf say. He was walking a few steps ahead, but cast a glance at her over his shoulder now.  
  
"Odd in a good way, or in a bad way?" asked Irulan with another smile. What could she do...she could not help being enchanted around these creatures.  
  
He gave her another unreadable look. "I was not expecting a mortal woman," he added after a moment.  
  
'So he knew about the rest? But how? Could Elrond have sent emissaries? But surely they could not have reached these woods before us..unless they have another way of communicating with each other?' she thought with mild surprise.  
  
"What can I say? They always leave me out," she said playfully. "My name is Irulan," she said a moment later and made no attempt to reveal her father's name - just in case. "Would it be disrespectful to ask yours, master elf? For I fear we have not been introduced properly," she said with as much softness to her voice as she could, and at the same time threw a bleak glance at Aragorn and Legolas. She felt Legolas stiffen beside her. 'I hope that was not a breech in protocol!' she thought a bit nervous.  
  
He turned to look at her again. "I am Haldir, captain guard of the Lothlorien elves," he said a moment later.  
  
Irulan smiled softly "A mighty title, Master Haldir." His eyebrows knitted ever so slightly, but he did not express any other feeling and once again turned his back to the company, continuing the journey.  
  
Elves! She simply was besotted with elves. Not always of course..and true enough, there had been times when she had believed quite the contrary on this quest. But..ah what the heck..they were a beautiful sight, after all.  
  
The truth was, she hated the fact that the elves were leaving Middle Earth for good. She had often tried to imagine this world without them, and even though elves were not an every-day sight for her or most of the other mortals, she shared the mutual relief most humans felt from their presence here. But more than that, she could not imagine an entire race disappearing forever. Once again she wished that this would only happen after her lifetime. Elves would become fables and myth! There would be day when they would be completely forgotten. She hastily looked at the elven company around them. As real as they were now, one day they would become fictional characters in stories.  
  
She knew only too well about the short memory of humans. Even though the number of elves in Middle Earth was still promising, she had met many humans here and there who vigorously denied the existence of elves. The short-sightedness and arrogance of these people had made her furious - though she knew that their jealousy was partly reason for this rather hostile attitude. 'Everything that is interesting and magical in this world is leaving us,' she thought with a deep sadness enveloping her. 'Everything that makes this world a place worthy to live in, everything that stirs the soul is disappearing. What shall this world be like without the many races and cultures that we have now? What shall it be without the mighty forests and the dark mountains? Without the dragons and elves, the dwarves and hobbits?' She thought about a deserted Mirkwood forest - the very forest that she had looked upon countless times from her window. The silence that would prevail there after the departure of the last elves would be unbearable.  
  
She dared another step that brought her closer to Haldir. He did not turn but Irulan had no doubt that he was aware of her actions. 'We must be very much like oxen to them,' she thought with amusement.  
  
"Captain Haldir," she tried again, "I have never been in your infamous woods. Nor have I ever been honored with an acquaintance of any of your people. There is much I would wish to ask about your ways, but I fear that you would find me disturbing for doing so," she said, adding a slight tinge of a question to her voice and waited for a reply.  
  
Haldir said nothing for a while, but when he spoke a few moments later, his voice seemed to be warmer indeed. "A mortal woman who wishes to learn more about elves...these are strange times indeed. Pray ask Lady Irulan. Being the object of such curiosity is most pleasant for us."  
  
Irulan glanced back and saw the rest of the company staring back at her with a mixture of many feelings that she did not want to waste time on deciphering. She quickly strode ahead and resumed her walk next to Haldir, who now ever so slightly turned his head and looked at her with a milder expression. The poor elf had no idea how curious a mortal woman could be and how many questions she could come up with. But he would find out soon enough! 


	24. Flame Clad in Ice

On we go..don't know when the next one will be up but this one is done.  
  
As to all the kind requests concerning Legolas and Irulan coming finally together: Guys, I hate to say it, but I'm a pleasure delayer. No, more than that - I just don't think it would be easy for an elf and a Darma Druid to come to terms with their feelings and take a drastic step so fast - especially when both have enough sense to see that they are in the middle of the most important quest in Middle Earth! I just want the relationship to develop realistically, so it might take a bit longer and bit more turn and twists than some of us prefer it would.  
  
Note to chapter: The story concerning the One Ring and the elven rings is true - I did not make that up. I was quite surprised to find out a time ago, but it gave me the perfect twist I needed. For any doubts, check out the encyclopedia of Arda, which is a perfect reference site for Tolkien, by the way. This was a chapter VERY hard to write - the hardest of all yet. Mainly because I was trying to explain an important point without revealing too much yet. Let's see if I succeeded.  
  
Hope you'll like this one as much as the ones before.......  
  
  
  
  
  
"How embarrassing is that?!"said Legolas a bit stiffly. They were very close to Caras Galadhon, still walking in the company of the guard elves with Irulan leading, along with Haldir. The two had obviously broken the ice between them. 'How does she do it? Give her enough time, she can probably even warm up the Dark Lord himself!' he thought.  
  
Aragorn chuckled softly next to him. "I don't find it embarrassing, really".  
  
"Aragorn.....she has asked him hundreds of questions now. Elves do not enjoy verbal conversation as much as humans do. And do I need to mention that dozens of those questions were actually highly inappropriate?"  
  
"I don't know about that, but Haldir does not seem to think so" Aragorn replied with amusement.  
  
Legolas shot another look at the leading couple. Indeed, Haldir seemed to be very much pleased. His stiff demeanor had almost completely disappeared and replaced by curiosity. Not to mention that he felt content to be the center of such attention for a mortal, to be asked so many questions and expected to bring explanation and clarity to so many subjects. Irulan too had given up the rather formal expressions and once again converted to a more friendly tone of conversation.  
  
"He seems quite taken by her if you ask me" said Boromir softly from behind them, his voice revealing him to be both a little disturbed, but also oddly proud.  
  
Legolas glared back at him over his shoulder. "I think you mortals often misread our expressions and words" he said coldly.  
  
"Oh really?" jumped in Gimli, "then I am glad indeed, Master Elf. For I was worried, thinking that you look very much jealous."  
  
Aragorn chuckled again and Legolas visibly stiffened. He quickly turned around and pursed his lips, not speaking again for a long time.  
  
"......actually there is one thing I always wanted to know" Irulan was saying now, "you all seem to be so excellent in archery and obviously many other combat skills.....yet......it was always my suspicion that this was more due to immortality than anything else" she finished, her hands clasped behind her, looking up at the tall trees that seemed to be getting bigger and thicker as the company approached the city.  
  
Haldir smiled with a confused expression. "How do you mean?"  
  
"Well.....alright.....let me put it this way.......you obviously have MILLENIA to train! Is it not actually impossible NOT to learn anything so perfect throughout that time?"  
  
The other elves slowly turned their heads and threw an odd glance at her direction. Legolas' eyes widened and he turned to Aragorn, who was staring back at him with a slightly open mouth. Boromir and Gimli chuckled deviously.  
  
Haldir though -probably due to the crash course in the rudeness of mortals he had just received- laughed with pure delight. "Are you saying that......we have no skills.....but only too much time on our hands?"  
  
Irulan seemed to be caught off guard by the reaction of the other elves, and realizing that she had just made a rude assumption, quickly stammered "NO......of course not....I was only thinking.....well....if humans were immortal, don't you think they would excel in these things as well?" She almost moaned at the end of the sentence, realizing that she had merely repeated the same horrible statement, only in other words.  
  
"Hmmm....." said Haldir, even more amused by her embarrassment now, "an interesting point. But dear Lady Irulan, even if you had all our qualities -which are not limited with immortality, I must add- I think you would still not live to achieve such skill. For you most probably would use your acquired powers to wipe each other out long before you come to that level. Don't you think?"  
  
Irulan looked at him with something like utter amazement. She kept looking until Haldir returned her look with arched eyebrows, clearly expecting a sour reply to this comment that very much sounded like an insult to her kind. Instead Irulan softly whispered "That's why I wish you would never leave."  
  
A very curious and deep smile crept back to Haldir's lips. Irulan heard someone clearing his throat behind her, but she did not wish to turn around and try to understand what that was about. Instead she smiled back at the captain guard, for she had spoken the truth - it was indeed her true and honest wish.  
  
"We have arrived" Haldir said softly after a long moment. "Thank you for your questions, Lady Irulan. It has been a most pleasant walk."  
  
Irulan nodded and looked ahead, for she did not want to miss a single thing from Caras Galadhon, the famous city of Lothlorien where Galadriel dwelt.  
  
***  
  
Caras Galadhon was everything people were saying about it, and more. The massive trees were reaching into the heavens, not even looking like trees anymore. The elvish buildings and elegant staircases were placed around these trees, encircling them. It was rather dark now - a soft twilight kind of dark, due to the dense array of the trees along with the approach of the night, and elven lamps were lighted all over the city, the candles in them glowing with a softly, warm radiance.  
  
This was the first time Irulan ever visited an elven city in the forest. The only other place she had been to was Rivendell...but Rivendell was nothing like this. True, it was as beautiful, elegant and peaceful. But, even though surrounded by a forest, it was built on a piece of rock. Caras Galadhon, however, was built in the forest and it was ONE with the forest. Once again she felt the odd feeling of being alien as she entered the city. She often felt that strange feeling when she visited Rivendell. The silence, laid-back atmosphere; the tranquility made her feel odd. As if she were not wide awake and walking, but sleeping and dreaming that she was walking.  
  
She looked back at the company and they all seemed to share her feelings. Irulan slowly fell back again, leaving Haldir's side and moving further down to where Boromir and Gimli were walking. Unconsciously she -along with the others- had accepted Aragorn to be the leader of the fellowship, although neither rank nor status said that he should be so. Aragorn himself had made no such demand and he treated everyone with equal respect and warm friendship. However, more and more they began to look up to him when a situation required settlement or decision. It was only natural for Irulan to fall behind him now. Not because he had been here before and knew the ways, but because he was her leader and she would not pace ahead of him under such conditions.  
  
They were escorted to one of the impossibly thick trees and began slowly climbing up the stairs. Once again, the view got only more fascinating as they got higher. Small balconies were arranged along the way and the only thing that kept Irulan from staying on those and looking over the city was the fact that she would probably feel more or less sick at this height. Finally the stairs came to an end and they stepped on a wide structure that seemed to be connected to other stairs, columns and structures. The company gathered at the edge the platform and began to wait.  
  
She was standing between Legolas and Gimli, waiting for Lady Galadhriel to appear. Legolas slightly turned and looked down at her with a very understanding and comforting look. That's when she realized that she had been nervously fidgeting with the hem of her tunic, unable to remain still in her excitement. Why, she could not remember being this excited for a very long time, now.  
  
She smiled back at him, and felt the curious need of holding his hand. As soon as she thought about it though, she chuckled lightly and shook her head. 'What is becoming of me? Now I am growing used and fond of his comforting. Did I have someone to lean on throughout all those years? No. I was completely and desperately alone. I went through the most dangerous and hectic times a girl can go through, and was there anyone to comfort me then? No. And did I feel the need for any such person? No. Now I am standing here, and there is neither danger nor despair, but I feel like holding his hand! Irulan, really now. You have to pull yourself together' she thought. Thankfully she could not dwell on these thoughts for too long, for King Celeborn and Lady Galadhriel began to slowly descent the stairs in front of them.  
  
So it was that Irulan met he fair lady of Galadhriel, daughter of Finarfin. And she thought about that moment many times in the upcoming years, trying to think of how she would describe this being, if anyone asked of her to do so. But she failed every time. Much later she would realize that what she felt was only a common feeling that she would feel for few others again - it was the awe in the face of power. For Galadriel WAS power. Not the sweet power of Gandalf, nor the comforting power of Aragorn. She was a gentle and yet terrible power, and in that, unlike any that Irulan would see ever again. She was slender and utterly beautiful -even for an elf- and very graceful - yet there was nothing fragile about her. She was obviously a marvelous woman, and yet oddly not feminine as we know it. It was a combination of elements one would not come across every day.  
  
And she seemed to know very much about both the company and the quest. She oddly knew about Gandalf, but seemed not too saddened by it. 'It most certainly is the way of elves not to express too much emotion even in times like this' she thought. She slowly looked each of them in the eye, all the time speaking words of comfort and assurance falling from her lips in a sweet voice, and every member of the company seemed to be startled and mesmerized by that look. Irulan herself felt like her soul was stripped right there and Galadhriel knew everything there was to know about her.  
  
The lady finally bid them good night and gave them permission to leave for that day. Their stay in Lothlorien would not be too long, for the matter of the ring was too pressing to waste any time, but the company was shaken and tired and they would have enough time to talk later on. They were led back down to the ground and Irulan felt relief when she realized that they would be given shelter her by the roots of the trees. She could not imagine sleeping anywhere that high.  
  
Soon enough they arrived at a spot where elegant tents were raised for their stay. The outer fabric was slightly pinned up or sideways bound in some places, revealing the inside of the tents and the cushions and small trays in them. Soft mattresses and cushions were also laid out around the mighty roots of the trees.  
  
Irulan did not know about the rest of the company, but she could not be more happy to give the traveling a rest - not to mention a rest here in probably one of the most beautiful cities in Middle Earth. She felt every other humane feeling coming back to her - she wanted to take a bath, to eat something decent and to sleep on a soft mattress. Especially since it was probably their last opportunity to do so. Soon they would be on the road again and no matter what people thought of adventures, they had a nasty side to them that no one seemed to consider. The constant walking, the fact that you ended up sleeping in the most uncomfortable places even when it was raining or freezing cold, that you had the worst things to eat and that after all that fighting and struggling you ended up smelling disgusting with no chance of a bath for days - those were the facts writers of great adventures seemed to leave out.  
  
She took a bath and ate. Then she changed her clothing, keeping the boots and trousers, but accepting a wine colored elven shirt and a large blue sash she tied around that. Afterwards she sat down for a light conversation with the company. A beautiful song was softly echoing throughout the city and she asked Legolas what it was about.  
  
"It is a lament for Gandalf" he said. He too had cleaned up and changed into a fine silken blue tunic and darker trousers. The rest of the company obviously felt no discomfort whatsoever, because they made no attempt to change their clothing. 'I would be surprised to see Aragorn not looking terrible for once, anyway' she half muttered to herself.  
  
To her utter demise, she felt sleep draining away as each member one by one excused himself and retired for sleep. 'You will never get another chance like this, get to sleep' she thought, but once lying in the tent, she ended up tossing and turning and not feeling even a bit more sleepy after it. 'It's probably being in Caras Galadhon. I am too excited to sleep right now' she thought and decided to take a tour in the city instead.  
  
Irulan stood up and left the tent, just in time to see Aragorn and Legolas walking away, softly speaking. The rest of the company seemed to be asleep. She decided to walk off in the opposite direction, wishing to be alone. She slowly walked off the circle of the camp, barefoot on the soft green grass, listening to the lament and thinking about what they could possibly be saying about Gandalf. She walked by small ponds and fountains, sometimes stopping to reach in and taste the unbelievably sweet water. She felt the bark of the trees that looked like buildings from this short distance and thought about how old they must be.  
  
"Irulan..." sounded a voice behind her all of a sudden and she felt her body reacting with goose bumps to it. She unconsciously held her breath and waited a moment before she turned "...the breaker of hearts and oaths". Lady Galadhriel added with something that she could only define as cold pleasure. They were standing among the trees on a small clearing. She could see other elves walking to and fro, but they were far off.  
  
Irulan swallowed hard and stood there, unable to move, like a little child. Although she could not find a reason for it to be so, she felt shame rising up in her. She glanced down at the soft grass on the ground.  
  
"Or are you not?" Lady Galadhriel sang, slowly walking towards her left. She could not remember feeling so little and useless in anybody's presence. Her whole body was but a single flame, burning, burning; threatening to destroy her.  
  
"My lady" she croaked finally and managed a slight bow. A silence followed and Irulan dared not look up to see the expression on the elf. She waited.  
  
"You are a follower of the Old Way" the elf said softly.  
  
"Yes" said Irulan, knowing she meant the Darma Druids.  
  
"Tell me" began Galadhriel again, "what would it take for you to turn from the path you have taken?"  
  
Irulan furrowed her brows. She did not know exactly what Galadhriel was talking about, but thinking that she meant the quest, she finally said "There is nothing in this world that can turn me from this path, my lady" softly. She hoped that it came out as determined as she felt. Another silence and Irulan at last dared a quick look, only to see Galadhriel standing at the same spot, as menacingly beautiful as ever and looking at her with something like.. "sad amusement" would be the word, if it was not an impossible mixture. And the worst thing was, now that she had looked up, she could not look away again. Galadhriel's blue eyes were fixed on hers. She gulped again, but remained still other than that.  
  
"The Cold Sisters" Galadhriel sang now, "their minds set, their hearts sealed. Perfect, like a sharp, cold blade."  
  
And something very odd happened, for Irulan realized that Galadriel had only vocalized her own very deep and hidden thoughts and feelings about the Darma Druids. Although she had never dared to really think out these ideas, now that the Lady of Lothlorien was speaking them, she instantly realized without doubt that her heart had felt them and her mind had pondered them many times. Her soul had gnawed on them all the times she had attended the trainings and watched the sisters, and even more so when she had joined them at their homes at evening dinners or at special occasions. They had been surrounded by husbands and sons, by parents and daughters, by friends and kin; and there was laughing and joking, there was conversation and tumult..but no passion. No love. No compassion. No warmness. Not in the sisters. Sure, they laughed along like anyone else, they hugged and smiled, never any different from any other woman..but their eyes..like cold rocks in the open wilderness.  
  
"They would stop at nothing to save Middle Earth" Galadriel said and interrupted Irulan's line of thoughts. Gladly so, for she felt an eerie discomfort coming from those thoughts. "Like you" Galadriel added a moment later, open perception in her eyes. "For you too have left everything and everyone behind to follow your own path. And yet" said Galadhriel with a lighter voice, "You have abandoned them as well. You have broken your oath" she said and waited for a moment, looking into Irulan's eyes, "for you failed to change your heart" she finished.  
  
Irulan finally managed to cast down her glance and bit her lower lip. She felt the accusation in Galadhriel's voice and she knew it was meant for the Druids. And yet, her mind failed to grasp the reason for this. The Darma Druids were wise and powerful. They had fought along elves and men many times and saved Middle Earth. They had reached the impossible decision never to fight again when they realized the consequences. A part of her felt the tingling of rage and anger, but another and stronger part of her felt oddly only shame. 'The Cold Sisters' her inner voice kept whispering. She felt like crying. For the first time in many years, as ridiculous as it was, she desperately felt like crying and running off. Only of course such a thing was impossible the presence of Galadhriel.  
  
"I see the iron greed in you that brought their downfall" Galadriel finally said and just when Irulan thought she would die of shame, the elf added "but I also see your heart Irulan. You are a flame clad in ice".  
  
Irulan swallowed hard once more and finally overcoming the urge to cry -more or less- very slowly looked up. "I wish to save this world, my Lady. Is that wrong?" she managed to say.  
  
Galadhriel did not say anything for a long time and Irulan was about to add a few other sentences to bring up the question once again, when the elf finally spoke: "You wish to PRESERVE Middle Earth as it is now, yes. But that is something no one can do". She moved closer to Irulan, her steps making no sound on the grass but her beautiful white gown ever so slightly rustling. "For change is the destiny of all. Do you know what will happen if you succeed in the destruction of the Ring of Power?"  
  
"The power of the Dark Lord will be gone from this world forever, as will the shadow and evil that this power has cast on us" she said, trying not to stammer and form the tumult in her brain into coherent sentences.  
  
"Very much so. Alas, the destruction of the One Ring will also destroy all three rings granted to the elves". Galadriel stopped at a very close distance, but continued to look Irulan in the eye. "The power that binds elves to this earth will cease completely and then we will have no choice but to leave Middle Earth forever".  
  
Irulan's eyes widened with terror. 'How...how can that be true?!' she thought desperately. 'It can not be!' And yet, although her mind was racing ahead, trying to grasp the words, her heart already knew this to be so. As Sauron's power, embodied as the Ring, was growing, the power endowed on the other rings was failing. The races were already falling apart. And yet, there was no mend to this, for obviously they could not let Sauron take over, but again obviously, his destruction meant that Middle Earth would be changed forever anyway. When Galadhriel spoke up again, she realized that she had been holding her breath and slowly began to breathe again.  
  
"What stands the test of time?" Galadhriel said now, more to herself than to Irulan. Irulan thought about it, unable to come to an answer. Her mind was still reeling with the fact that the success of her quest would indeed seal the very thing she was trying to prevent.  
  
"All will change, Irulan. In time, these grounds that we stay on now and talk heart to heart, will be gone and replaced by others. The very air we breathe will be no more. The mallorn trees, the misty mountains, the dragons and spiders, mithril and the elves...all - all will go sooner or later" Irulan felt like her heart was literally being smashed to pieces by her words. How could she say those things, IMAGINE those things and not protest? Not deny? Not try to stop it from happening? She had fought all her life to prevent it and she would fight a thousand lifetimes again to do so. Silently, she began to cry, unable to do otherwise.  
  
"But LOVE will remain. It is the only thing worth saving" Galadhriel added after a long, tormenting silence. She ever so slightly leaned forward now and smiled softly. Though Irulan wished to be comforted by that smile, she could not stop the grief and the pain that was shaking her, nor could she stop the tears from flowing freely down her cheeks.  
  
"Tell me now, why do you seek to save Middle Earth? Because you love it, or because it is the right thing to do?" the elf whispered softly.  
  
"What difference does it make?" replied Irulan. She too, was whispering.  
  
"The difference will save your soul" Galadhriel said very slowly, caressing each word as she spoke it. Irulan just remained hooked to her looks, unable to move or protest, much less understand. She stood there, every possible feeling in this world reeling and slashing through her with heat, followed by cold acceptance and yet another wave of heat. It was as if she was a simple beaker that Galadhriel had softly grasped and held under the fountain - there was no way she could stop this pouring in of feelings and thoughts, very much like the beaker could stop the inflow of water.  
  
Finally Galadhriel smiled softly and turned to leave in the direction of the camp. But Irulan did not see her. She fell back and sat on the tree trunk, her face a mask of confusion and pain, and tried to remember who she was. 


	25. An Ill Omen

I have received quite a bit of mail asking if the ring issue concerning the elves was true. I was surprised myself when I first found out, but it is true my friends. And is it not an interesting twist in the story? I have pasted a quote from a Tolkien encyclopedia below regarding the issue:  
  
With the destruction of Sauron's One Ring in the last years of the Third Age, all the other Elven-rings lost their power, including the Three. Those who had borne their power through the ages since their forging left Middle- earth together on the White Ship; Galadriel, Elrond and Gandalf, the Keepers of the Three Rings. Although Sauron and Saruman were both defeated, the Wise did not achieve total victory. With the destruction of the One Ring, the Three Rings that had maintained the realms of the Elves in Middle- earth lost their power, and the Elves began to leave Middle-earth for the Undying Lands.  
  
For more information: www.glyphweb.com/arda/ Great site, check it out.  
  
  
  
"How do you plan to approach Mordor?" he asked Aragorn. They were both walking away from the camp, surrounded by the elegant and peaceful atmosphere of Caras Galadhon. Everyone else had gone sleeping. Irulan, too, had retired in her tent. Legolas though, like all elves, felt little need for sleep or rest and he was glad that Aragorn was here as well, to keep him company.  
  
"From the north" said Aragorn. "Through Emyn Muil. I have spoken with Irulan, she said she will lead us through there easily enough." He was smoking his pipe and had a dreamy air to him. His mind was obviously somewhere else.  
  
Legolas waited a moment before he went on. "You are thinking about her," he said very softly. Aragorn did not turn around immediately. He did not answer either. Only after moments he sighed and said "I am always thinking about her," with a heavy heart. He began to walk again, so Legolas accompanied him in silence.  
  
"I told her to take the ship to Valinor, Legolas," Aragorn said after a long silence, during which Legolas had drifted away in his own thoughts and forgotten that they were having a conversation. "It is over," the man added with a whisper.  
  
At this, Aragorn turned around and looked the elf in the eye. Legolas could not remember seeing him like this before. He looked......old. And the idea seemed odd to Legolas. It was beyond doubt that Aragorn was aging - he was nothing like the young man Legolas had met years ago (a very short time ago actually, he mused), and even this moment he was aging, his body nearing death moment by moment with haste. Yet, Aragorn had never looked old. His eyes had always been full with life and fire.  
  
"Why?" Legolas finally said and was surprised that he said it, because he had not meant to speak up. When Aragorn resumed his walking, not answering, he felt the need to press on, although that was usually not his way: "You said you love her."  
  
Aragorn sighed again and it sounded like it was the saddest sound in this world - far sadder than the lament that was still softly ringing in Lothlorien. "I do, Legolas. More than anything." Another silence followed. Legolas felt comfortable talking to Aragorn, for he knew the ways of the elves and felt no haste in an intimate act like a sincere conversation. It was many moments later that Aragorn decided to speak up again: "You were right. As was everybody else, I guess."  
  
And that was exactly what Legolas had feared to hear for a long time now. For he had been far too involved in the relationship between Arwen and Aragorn, although -again- that was not his usual way. But he loved both dearly and his feelings had made him cross into the private domain of their affair. He had talked with each separately on the issue, not hiding his true opinion from neither. And now he was standing here, finally having persuaded Aragorn that this kind of relationship could only be folly, when his heart had betrayed him and he himself no longer believed a single word he had uttered on the matter.  
  
Legolas felt the flame of guilt, shame and fear rise in him. He felt stupid and reckless. He had spoken without thinking and behaved foolishly. True, they certainly did not split up because of him alone, but he sure enough played a role in it - no matter how little. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down, to suppress the feelings in him. When he looked up again, Aragorn was looking at him with a very confused expression on his face.  
  
They stared at each other for a long time, and finally Legolas spoke up: "I thought your love was stronger than that." Aragorn's eyes widened slightly and he scanned the features of the elf hastily again, looking for mocking or amusement, but found only grave honesty.  
  
"And I thought you did not approve," Aragorn said very slowly a while later.  
  
"I do not approve of pain," said Legolas and walked ahead, hoping that his torn feelings were not too obvious, "after having come this far, continuing this relationship can cause no more pain than ending it."  
  
Aragorn was truly amazed now. Legolas almost sounded like he meant it. Legolas, who many times had opposed to their love, saying that an elf and a human were never meant to be; that the death of Aragorn would hurt Arwen more than Aragorn would ever understand as a mortal; that they knew nothing of such loss.. "As if you would know!" Aragorn had once protested with anger and Legolas had simply continued to look as placid as ever and had said "Maybe I do", but refused to talk any further on the issue.  
  
"Forgive me my friend," Aragorn said, waking from his memories and quickening his pace to keep up with Legolas, who had walked ahead a few steps, "I seem to have misunderstood you when you said that there was no future for an elf and a human." He tried to make eye contact, but Legolas of course was too wise for his ways and very gracefully avoided doing so.  
  
"And I must have misunderstood you when you insisted that there was," the elf said finally and waved his hand, as if he wished to close the subject now. Aragorn saw the move, but decided to ignore it, for although Legolas was clearly trying to change the direction of the conversation and looked angry at himself for having started it in the first place, this issue was far too interesting to drop now.  
  
"Legolas," he said and gently placed his hand on his shoulder, again trying to lock eyes with him, but although Legolas remained still and did not move away, he still avoided eye contact by looking over Aragorn's shoulder into the distance, "forgive me. I am only surprised to find you thinking different in this matter." Then he let go of his shoulder and resumed his walking, smoking on his pipe and leaving Legolas behind. "Although I can see the reason," he softly added a moment later when he was further away.  
  
Aragorn smiled slightly when Legolas caught up with him in an instant, saying "I don't know what you mean," and sounded very nervous for an elf.  
  
"Really?" said the man with amusement and did not continue for several moments for the pure pleasure of torment this was inflicting on Legolas. He cast a sidelong glance then and decided that it was time to take pity.  
  
"Come now my friend," said Aragorn, barely able to hide his grin now, "even if I were blind to the ways of love -which I am not- I am certainly not blind to the ways of the Prince of Mirkwood." Legolas looked away with desperation, knowing only too well that that he could not fool Aragorn. "And even though you deserve to be tormented in this matter," Aragorn said and watched as Legolas' eyes widened slightly, "I shall have pity on you. Looks like you are going through enough pain without my help."  
  
Legolas swallowed softly and looked up. Aragorn was grinning indeed! And even though he knew that he should feel angry, he could not. His guilt and shame about him and Arwen was too strong for that. "Maybe I am being punished," he whispered finally.  
  
Aragorn grew solemn all of a sudden. His grin turned into a sad and understanding smile "Love is not a punishment," he said very slowly, "it is a blessing."  
  
"You said that before," began Legolas, finally looking into the man's eyes, "a very long time ago. I'm afraid I failed to see the truth in it, then. I don't know if I see it now, either. It certainly feels a lot more like punishment."  
  
"It does indeed," murmured Aragorn, and taking a deep breath, looked up to the mighty trees. He felt small and insignificant here, under these creatures which had been standing in Middle Earth since ancient times when none of them had drawn breath yet. All his pain, his torment, his joy, his love and hate seemed so in vain. And yet, his heart was so full with them, he could not imagine anything more potent in this world. He slowly reached out and caressed the bark of the nearest tree. "I fear we will never be any wiser in the matters of the heart, Legolas," he said finally. "I always thought that it was the curse of man, but now that I see you, I know that the Elder Children are not spared from that curse, either." Then they resumed walking again, neither speaking for a very long time and each thinking about a woman that seemed to be the single source of immense pain and yet infinite joy.  
  
***  
  
When Irulan finally returned to the camp, she had no notion of how much time has passed. She unconsciously realized that Legolas and Aragorn were still missing, and so was Frodo. For a moment she halted, unable to decide whether she should go out to look for him or not, but then decided against it. She knew that Lothlorien was safe. Besides, the poor hobbit needed as much time alone as anyone else.  
  
She silently crept back into the tent and lied down. Hers was the only mattress in the tent and she felt lucky for the isolation. She loved the company, but after so many weeks, she could not deny the need to remain solitary from these men every now and then. The soft song was still echoing in the distance and although Irulan firmly believed that she would never ever be able to sleep again as long as she lived, sleep came with an unusual swiftness and covered her mind, once again surfacing long lost memories...  
  
..............  
  
"...should marry him. He is a fine man," Hetaire was saying. She was sitting in the clearing of the nearby forest, which was nothing like Mirkwood of course, but nevertheless isolated from the town, while the red headed woman was leaning on a tree a little further ahead. It was spring once again, nearly one year had passed since the ritual in the alley. Irulan was wearing a dress very much like Hetaire's, and often found herself very ridiculous in this thing - although she had to admit that it was much more comfortable than the gowns of a princess.  
  
"And he is quite taken by you," added Vessun, the pretty woman with the short brown hair, sitting right next to her. 'Of course, her name was Vessun! How did I forget something like that?' Irulan thought a bit annoyed.  
  
"Irulan?" said Hetaire and she realized then that they were expecting an answer from her. Irulan slightly rolled her eyes and returned to the difficult task of picking grass. "How many times do we have to talk about this?" she said and even whined a little during the process.  
  
"As many times as it needs," said Hetaire and crossed her arms on her chest with definite determination.  
  
"I like Hasmir. I really think he is a very good man. And he has been very good to me all this time," she began, annoyed by repeating the same monolog over and over again.  
  
"Then he is the perfect one!" interrupted Vessun with a solemn but bright smile on her face.  
  
"He respects you. And that is a rare thing," Hetaire was saying now, her green eyes never leaving Irulan. "He will continue doing so and he will always be kind to you. He has a fair income as a farmer and a nice place. Also, you will be living very close to us."  
  
Irulan felt the prickling sensation of irritation rising up in her again. She knew that it was the way of the Sisters and she did not feel like belittling them for their customs (oh no...there was nothing to belittle about a Darma Druid), but she did not feel that just because she had joined them, she was bound to their ways as well. Hasmir was a nice guy. He did indeed treat her with utter respect and although a farmer, Irulan liked him more than any of the arrogant princes and lords she had met in the past. Yet..their relationship was dull. He would never understand her. Never know neither her real past, nor her real identity. He would never be able to listen with interest when she would tell him about the books she read or the places she had been or even the absurd ideas that flew in her head ever so often. Although he seemed like the perfect choice for a Sister, he was nothing like the man Irulan had imagined to spend her life with.  
  
"I don't love him," she said finally. 'If they want to know the truth, so be it' she thought.  
  
There was a long silence and Irulan felt so oddly suppressed by it, that she finally looked up to see what was going on. Both women had been staring at her intently with those cold looks again.  
  
"You don't..love...him..." said Vessun very slowly, rolling the word "love" on her tongue in an odd way.  
  
"Who said you have to love him?" said Hetaire a moment later, her voice as careful and low as Vessun's.  
  
"Well.." began Irulan, but did not get any further. 'Who indeed?' she thought, a little baffled at such a question.  
  
"Irulan," said Hetaire and bounced off the tree, slowly walking towards them, "love is a dangerous thing. As is fear, or compassion, or anger." Reaching the women, she sat down and resumed looking at the girl with a neutral expression on her face. "Feelings are dangerous. I thought you knew this by now."  
  
"Dangerous?" repeated Irulan, stupefied by their solemn reaction and the direction this conversation was taking. "Why would they be dangerous?"  
  
Neither Vessun, nor Hetaire answered for a long while and neither looked away. She stared stubbornly back at them, trying to prove that she was honestly not understanding this conflict. "Because they distract you, Sister" said Vessun finally, and it sounded more like she hissed it.  
  
"You do not need feelings as a Darma Druid," said Hetaire with a cooler expression.  
  
"But..." said Irulan and felt very stupid now, for she really didn't know how exactly to deny that, but nevertheless felt the strong urge to protest, "...but it is inevitable! We are human. We have feelings for each other. You have families......you have children! Don't you love them?" She was desperately looking from one to the other.  
  
They quickly glanced at each other and, by the looks of it, decided to take a milder approach. Hetaire spoke again, this time with a warmer voice (as warm as her voice could get anyway, which was not much): "Irulan. We have families, yes. And we treasure them. We are grateful for them. But -and this is very important- we can not, WILL not let our feelings for them take a hold of us. We are Darma Druids. We have to become MORE than human."  
  
"So let me ask you a question," said Irulan, openly irritated now, "if your families and your children were under threat. If...if an orcish army marched into this town now...and threatened all that is dear to you....you would not fight? Even if it meant revealing your true identity, you would not protect them when you have the power?" Nobody said that they had to shift. That was dangerous, Irulan understood that, but they could still fight without shifting! True, their identities as Darma Druids would be revealed for sure, for no housewife could explain that skill. And that would probably trigger a set of not so very nice effects and events..but under the circumstances...it was the only option!  
  
There was a long silence and Hetaire's voice fell into it like a stone falling into a calm pond: "No."  
  
Irulan's eyes widened and she barely kept herself from jumping to her feet. She looked from one stony face to the other, but knew that she would find no expression there. "Why?" she finally squeaked.  
  
"It is the price we pay," said Vessun matter-of-factly. "We do only what is right, Sister, even though that right may cause apparent pain or loss for many. We CAN not let ourselves be steered away from this purpose by our emotions. I have told you before, but you are too new to understand - we are only vessels in passing the Way. We will not use it in any manner forbidden to us. Nor will we reveal the existence of our guild or engage in any action that would cause that end. We took that oath," she waited a moment too long before adding with a soft whisper "and so did you."  
  
"I took an oath to protect the Way," she said stubbornly, not afraid of the reaction she would get, "but it did not say that I could not love."  
  
"There is no such thing as love!" said Hetaire with more emotion than Irulan had heard her saying anything for a year now. "Nor is there hate. There is no pleasure or pain. You have seen it yourself - you have stood in the void and felt them all leave you instantly, as if they never existed. That is because in truth they do NOT exist. Feelings are an illusion. There is only right and wrong, Irulan. And we do what is right."  
  
Irulan felt a wave of frustration hitting her. She looked down and unconsciously began picking the grass again. 'Love DOES exist!' she thought bitterly. "I love Chemarit. I love my family. I love Gandalf. I love Hasmir..how can I deny that? And for what end, anyway?'  
  
"I can understand your disapproval, Sister," said Hetaire. "You are yet too new to our ways. But....I think you can relate."  
  
Irulan's head shot up at that remark. "How so?" she said, trying to sound normal, but unable to hide the cold resistance in her voice.  
  
Hetaire looked at her for a long moment. Finally she smiled the ghost of the smile and said "Did you not tell me your past? How you left everyone dear to you behind..and never....looked..back?" emphasizing every word. Irulan met her green eyes and wished that her own brown ones could match the strength in there - though she seriously doubted that, for her emotions were roaring in her again. She clenched her jaws and did not reply. "And did you not hurt them when you left?" continued Hetaire, her eyes never leaving Irulan's, "Were they not heart broken? Were they not in pain? And when I asked you why you refused to tell them the truth.....what was your answer, Sister?" she asked with a mild tone of fake interest in her voice. Irulan refused to answer again. Her whole body was burning with anger and shame and she was sure that the red color had crept up to her face as well. "Because it is for their own good," Hetaire answered her own question, mimicking Irulan. Her smile widened very slowly, "Why do you think we accepted you to be one of our own?"  
  
...........  
  
Irulan shot up and sat panting. She shuddered and clasped her hand over her mouth, afraid that she would scream out unconsciously. She was covered in sweat and was shaking like a leaf. 'This is an ill omen,' she thought all of a sudden, 'to dream such dark dreams in a place like this!' She slowly stood up from the mattress, not wishing to remain in that particular spot any longer and because she had not idea what to do, she hastily stepped out into the open.  
  
Caras Galadhron was exactly as she had left it. The same soft twilight was in the air, and another, more merrier melody was sung in the distance. She remained standing, trying to leave the effects of the dream back in the tent. 'Breathe Irulan...that is the trick for everything,' the voice in her head whispered softly and Irulan tried to heed its advice.  
  
This time she literally jumped when Legolas appeared right before her. She felt like punching him very hard, too, but he looked horrible without it. 'And why is that?' she thought for an instant, but quickly dropped the issue. 'At this moment, I really don't care!' she thought bitterly.  
  
Legolas opened his mouth but Irulan quickly held up a hand, shutting him up. "Legolas!" she hissed with irritation, "No, I am fine. No, it is nothing. I need no help. It was only a dream. And yes, I would very much appreciate it if you leave me alone now," and refusing to wait for his reply, she quickly turned around and walked away.  
  
She had walked for a few minutes, lost in her thoughts when she heard his voice right beside her, and once again, jumped. 'I REALLY need to stop doing this! It is very embarrassing for a Darma Druid!' she thought ruefully.  
  
"Irulan, you seriously can not expect me to walk off when you look like this!" he was saying in exasperation.  
  
"Actually I do, Legolas. And it is about time you showed me some respect," she reeled on to him. Her inner voice was protesting 'Careful Irulan...careful...do not take out your anger on him..he has no fault in this,' but her irritation kept growing and blocking out her thoughts.  
  
"I do respect you," he replied with a serious voice and remained standing, although she moved in on him and looked quite dangerous at that moment.  
  
"Then why do you keep fussing over me like that?" she said, the anger in her voice obvious now.  
  
"Because I care for you," Legolas shot back and he too seemed very angry. Actually more than she remembered him to be in a long time now. But this was indeed not a moment she wished to spend thinking about him. She needed to be alone; she needed to gather her wits again.  
  
"Oh really?!" she said raising her voice. She barely kept herself from screaming, but the fact that they were in a VERY quite elvish city kept her from realizing that wish. "Next thing you know, you'll tell me you love me!"  
  
Legolas blinked in surprise. He looked at her for a very long moment with an expression that Irulan did not care to analyze too much, and then finally said "What would you say if I told you so?" with a velvet voice.  
  
Irulan took a deep breath and stubbornly fought to suppress her anger. She clenched her fists and looked away. Suddenly the idea of shifting and giving this elf a good beating before he could even realize what is going on seemed to make a lot of sense. Damn the ethics! She finally looked up. "I would say that it is high time for you to grow up, Prince Legolas," she whispered and walked away. 


	26. Melloni

"Haldir, that was the BEST day I had ever since I departed on this quest!" Irulan laughed merrily. They were almost at the campsite now, walking amongst the trees. She had woken up to a better -scratch that out- MUCH better day! The bitter taste of the day before still lingered, true, but being among the elves had soon lightened up her heart. 'This is becoming an awful weakness,' she thought, but was in no dark mood to deem that a bad thing at the moment. They would be leaving first thing in the morning, before dawn. The last preparations for their journey that would continue the River Anduin were being made.  
  
"It was a very pleasant day for me as well, Irulan. Nobody asked me for...what was it...a 'tour of the city', before," Haldir replied with a beautiful smile on his face.  
  
"You mean you never got the chance to reveal this extraordinary talent of yours?" she said, mocking disbelief. "Never say that you won't discover something new about yourself even after thousands of years!"  
  
Haldir laughed softly. "Indeed!" They arrived at the campsite. The hobbits were obviously off doing their own exploration and both Legolas and Boromir were missing as well. Gimli and Aragorn, though, were sitting by their weapons, sharpening and cleaning their equipment, and barely looked up when the couple arrived.  
  
"Well, thank you for escorting me back, Haldir. Once again thank you for today - it was a wonderful tour!"  
  
"Once again, Irulan, it was only wonderful because you were with me," he said and slightly bowing first to her, then the others, left.  
  
Irulan stared after him with amazement. 'What a wonderful creature,' she thought, still smiling when Gimli's voice startled her out of her thoughts. "I see that you can be very nice to elves when you wish to."  
  
"Huh?" was the only thing she managed to come up with as she turned to face him. He was still polishing his axe and did not look up at her.  
  
"What is going on between you and Legolas again?" cut in Aragorn from her right this time, and she turned around to look at him. "Nothing" she said a moment later. "Nothing that is not usual," she added after a short silence when Aragorn stared back blankly. Obviously she was supposed to come up with yet another answer, because Aragorn was STILL looking at her with a very bad expression on his face.  
  
She turned back to the dwarf on her left, but he was just polishing that darn axe with no indication that he was there with them, witness to the conversation.  
  
"Is that why he is so upset?" was Aragorn's second annoying question.  
  
"Upset?" she repeated, and suddenly felt stupid. "What the heck are you two talking about?!" was her frustrated yelp.  
  
"Irulan," said Aragorn and stopped cleaning the sheath of his sword. "I do not want any more fighting in this fellowship. We have a job to do and I doubt that we can do that when we can barely keep a friendly relationship. Do you disagree?"  
  
Irulan felt truly dumbfounded. She looked from one to the other and then back for a minute. "Aragorn," she said finally, coming to the conclusion that he was the one she should talk to, "I don't know what you mean. Yes, we had some difficulties with Legolas in the past. But we have resolved those," was her final and serious reply. "Or so I thought," she mumbled a moment later.

  
"Irulan stop acting like an innocent princess!" broke in Gimli with his thunderous voice. For a moment she thought about screaming 'But that's exactly what I am!', then decided against it. "The face of that elf since this morning speaks louder than your words!"  
  
She threw her arms up in frustration. "Okay, fine! He kept following me around like a mother hen and I told him not to. That's all!"  
  
Both Aragorn and Gimli kept looking at her without blinking. It went on for so long that she gave in first: "Why do I get the blame for everything? How do you even know that he did not offend ME?"  
  
"Because Irulan," began Aragorn and put his sheath aside, slowly walking up to her, "In all the years I have known Legolas -and that is far longer than I have known you- I have NEVER heard him making ANY kind of comment that could break anybody's heart."  
  
"And I make those comments on a daily basis - is that what you think?"  
  
"Make a guess," he said with unbelievable coolness to his voice. Men! She pursed her lips and decided to walk away, but no such luck of course.  
  
"It is time you go and apologize," inserted Gimli before she found the chance to stride away.  
  
Her mouth dropped open. "What?! What the heck for?"  
  
"For whatever you said or did," the dwarf shot back.  
  
There was a long silence and Irulan decided to concentrate on her boots rather than on any of these impossibly ruthless and heartless men before her. She was desperately thinking of something to say in return, but to her utter horror, the longer she stood there, the longer they seemed to make sense. 'Damn, how can that be?' she thought bitterly.  
  
"What is going on between you two..." said Aragorn, softer this time, but still with steel determination in his voice.  
  
"Nothing is going on between us!" she cut int.  
  
"...is none of my business," he finished as if she had never spoken. "But this quest and this fellowship is. And I will not let you endanger it for whatever reason." Irulan met his eyes and found only the repetition of his words in there. "You would do the same if you were in my place."  
  
Irulan swallowed, knowing that his words were true. No matter what, nothing was more important than the quest. A shame came down on her with that thought that disturbed the peace of the group for her own small, stupid reasons. They had made sense yesterday. But today, standing in front of Aragorn, they sure looked frivolous. She sighed softly, a tone of regret in it. "Fine. I still don't know what bothered that touchy elf so much, but fine! You are right. I will apologize." Let nobody say that women were not mature!  
  
She turned around to walk towards her tent but stopped in mid-track when Gimli cleared his throat. Irulan looked up, surprised, and realized that both men were still gazing at her with that awful expression. She stood staring back a moment. "What?" she said finally with astonishment, "Now?"  
  
"You don't seem to have anything better to do than strolling around anyway," was the dwarf's stinging comment.  
  
"Now really..." she began, but a moment later paused and silently shook her head. "Alright! So where is he?"  
  
"He went off in that direction," said Aragorn and pointed towards the south-east.  
  
Irulan kept looking at him and when she realized that he would say nothing further, her irritation rose incredibly: "Aw come on, Aragorn! What do you mean 'that direction'? A lot of things are in that direction. Hell, I could keep walking in 'that direction', and walk right into Barad-dûr!"  
  
"Well, in that case, I hope you'll find him before you end up there," was his slow but menacing reply as his eyes never left hers.  
  
"Fine!" groaned Irulan and stomped off. "Stupid men!" she mumbled under her breath.  
  
"Try the shooting grounds!" yelled Gimli behind her back a short while later.  
  
When she was a good distance away the dwarf and the ranger glanced at each other. Aragorn softly scratched his chin, turning back to cast a glance in the direction the woman had disappeared. "You think she fell for that threat?"  
  
"I have no idea, Master Aragorn!" sighed Gimli. "I have come to the conclusion that women are even more difficult to understand than elves - who are impossible to understand in the first place!"  
  
"I sure hope she won't kill him or anything."  
  
"I think that's by far not the worst she can do," mumbled Gimli after a moment. Then he added "That lad should just stop being a gentleman and treat a woman like one should! Pick her up and shake her until she comes to her senses, that is! I tell you again, everything would be just fine if he did!"  
  
Aragorn chuckled softly. "As outrageous as this might sound, I'm beginning to agree with you there, Master Gimli."  
  
***  
  
"This time I'll sure end up with an arrow sticking out of my butt!" she mumbled to herself and walked even faster. "Fine. The sooner I do this, the sooner I'm off the hook!" She had been walking for twenty minutes now with still no shooting grounds or anything like it in sight. Worse, she saw no elves close enough to ask direction, either. 'Maybe I won't find him and then...well...I can hardly apologize if I can't find him now, can I?' she thought amused. But that evil thing called conscience itched terribly at that thought. Irulan sighed again. 'HE keeps bugging me and I have to walk around like a fool looking for HIM so that I can apologize' she thought bitterly.  
  
And just at that moment she looked up to see an elf passing by. She hastily stopped him and asked for the shooting grounds which seemed to be along the same direction, a little further ahead. After another ten minutes she arrived to a large clearing. Nothing denoted that these were the shooting grounds, for she saw no targets or anything that resembled them, but she saw Legolas standing at the corner of this clearing, looking into the distance, his back turned to her. She slowly walked up to him, hoping that he would hear her approach and turn around, but he seemed lost in thought.  
  
"Have you grown up yet?" she said finally, leaning on a nearby tree, crossing her arms on her chest. Legolas instantly froze, but did not turn around immediately. Irulan did not know what to expect. 'Probably another three weeks of pouting!' she thought and could not help shuddering at the thought. She really wished they wouldn't have to go through that again, but she doubted that Legolas would forgive so easily. Especially now that this was the second time she had 'mad him upset', as Aragorn had put it!  
  
When he finally turned around, Irulan was surprised to find nothing but pleasure and warmth on his face. 'Now this is new!' she thought, baffled.  
  
"You did not hear me?" she said, hoping that he would read the expression of surprise on her face, but think it was because she expected him to hear her approach.  
  
"I heard your coming, but I did not think it would be you," he replied, still smiling.  
  
Irulan could not help but smile back. 'Legolas, Legolas, Legolas!' she thought with mild admiration, 'You never cease to amaze me.' And just when she thought that that was final, he threw in another surprise:  
  
"I want to apologize."  
  
Once again, "Huh?" was the only reply Irulan could come up with. 'Looks like this is the statement of the day today!' she thought ruefully.  
  
Legolas walked towards her, but stopped at a comfortable distance. "For my behavior yesterday. You were right. I was not aware how disturbing it must have felt."  
  
"Now wait a minute!" said Irulan, unable to help herself from doing so. The elf's expression ever so slightly blurred into confusion. "*I* am going to apologize to YOU!" She watched his beautiful features twist with mild puzzlement. "So be nice and bear with me, alright?" Legolas looked uneasy about what to do and therefore remained silent. Irulan could not keep a grin off her face. "After all, as the stronger and more mature one, it is my duty."  
  
Then he began to grin as well. "I see, princess. As you wish," was his reply, accompanied with a slight bow.  
  
"Well now that we are finished with that..." she said and moved towards him, looking around the shooting grounds.  
  
"But I heard no apology!"  
  
"...where are the targets, Legolas?" continued Irulan, pretending he had never spoken. She narrowed her eyes but was still unable to detect anything at the end of the field. The man grinned again and walked up closer to stand beside her.  
  
"The branches of the trees over there, at the end," he said. 

Irulan looked up at him in astonishment. "Those are not giant trees!"   
  
"Yes, I know. They are much smaller compared to the ones in the heart of the city," he said, sounding confused again.  
  
"You bet! Those are...well, ordinary trees. And from this distance, I see no branch. Frankly, I just see a brown stick and a blur of leaves."  
  
Legolas laughed one of his beautiful laughs. "Well...as you have said it so well before...after MILLENIA of training, those trees do not seem that far anymore."  
  
Irulan slightly nudged him in the ribs. "I resent your memory Legolas. You refuse to forget anything."  
  
"Would you like a demonstration?" he said suddenly.  
  
"Sure!" she said with excitement. Legolas moved back a few steps, placed a new arrow to his bow and after a few moments, shot it towards the trees at the end of the field. Irulan watched it fly away. "Well?"  
  
"Well what?" said Legolas.  
  
"Did you hit it?"  
  
Legolas looked at her with disbelief. "Stop looking at me like that!" she snorted, "I told you I can't see a thing. As far as I'm concerned, you might have missed completely and killed an innocent elf walking in the woods."  
  
"Very well," he said, and took out another arrow, along with one of his knives, holding them out to her. "Mark it." She took the knife and scratched a crescent on the arrow, all the time smiling at their childish behavior, and returned both back to him. Legolas gracefully placed the arrow once again and shot. "Well my lady, would you accompany me across the garden?" he asked with amusement, holding out his arm to her.  
  
"Why, Prince Legolas, only if you promise to keep me away from the mud pools," she replied smoothly and softly took his arm. They began to walk with a slow pace towards the trees in the distance, not feeling the need for any haste. "Legolas," Irulan said after a moment of silence and felt him looking down at her. "No more arguments. No more fighting. Let us be friends." She stopped to offer her hand. The elf looked down at her, then at her hand and oddly enough, he looked sad. 'I'll never understand men!' she thought again with amazement. He looked up into her eyes and smiled a faint smile. "You seem to leave me no other choice, Irulan. I shall accept...for now," he replied and reluctantly took her hand. "Melloni," he whispered softly, his blue eyes never leaving hers.  
  
"I hope that was a good thing you just said," she stated a while later, once again taking his arm.  
  
A memory floated back to her as they strolled on the impossibly green grass towards the distant trees. "If I am going to share a lifetime with a man, I shall certainly pick another!" Irulan had said to Ingmar when the old woman had pressed on regarding the matter of Hasmir. "Like who?" had been the reply as the Druid crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Well...like...like..." she had stammered, unable to find a fitting response. 'Like Legolas,' whispered the voice in her head now, and although Irulan tried very hard to pretend not to hear it, she knew this sound only too well: It was the undeniable creaking of old, rusted wheels set into motion.


	27. Mighty Irulan Can Be Beaten

Once again, thank you for the support people. I was intending to give a break but the reviews won't let me!!  
  
So many mails confused as to why Legolas is being so nice! Come on people - I have one answer alone: he has admitted to himself that he is IN LOVE. Elf or not, I assume that changes people...A LOT. Besides, I did not want him to be too two-dimensional - always with the same persona and responding to the same impulses in the same ways. I hope to be able to show the characters changing and maturing during this quest, because that's what I assume happened to the fellowship in the original book as well.  
  
Dear Kirjava - "Melloni" means "friends" in Sindarin elvish, which was the elvish widely used then. Another form of it is "mellyrn".  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Irulan was looking towards the dense forest as the mist slowly gave way to the bluish light of the morning. It was parting time and they were by the banks of the River Anduin, preparing for a farewell to the elves of Lothlorien. She sighed again and swallowed hard. She hated farewells. Especially when it was to people so dear to her. True, she had been here only for a few days and under the constant shadow of a dangerous mission along with the loss of Gandalf still haunting her; and yet she had felt so.......at home. 'Irulan grow up already! This is what you have been doing for the last five years,' the voice in her head whispered. 'And yet, every time it feels like the very first time,' she thought bitterly.  
  
Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. Without turning around she smiled "Yes Legolas, I will be on your boat," she said, and turned to look at him. "It's not like I have much of an option anyway."  
  
He smiled back at her. "I shall place your bags for you in the boat then," he said, but made no attempt to move away. They remained silent for a while, the company and elves around them moving by, carrying equipment to the boats.  
  
"I will miss Lothlorien," she whispered.  
  
"And Lothlorien will miss you, Irulan," came Haldir's soft voice from nearby. Both turned to see the captain striding elegantly towards them. Irulan beamed instantly. "Captain Haldir! I was hoping to see you one last time," she said with sincere joy.  
  
"I would not let you leave without a farewell," he said then, stopping in front of them and giving Legolas as small bow with his head to which the other replied in the same fashion.  
  
"I also wanted to give you something," said Irulan, and to the surprise of both elves, began digging in the pockets of her outermost tunic. "To remember me by," she said and finally took out a small stone. It was greyish blue, smooth and egg-shaped, with little white veins running through it. She gently placed it into Haldir's hand, who held it up for further inspection.  
  
"It is from Mithlond, the Grey Havens. I took it from the shore of the River Lhûn there," Irulan said and smiled at the astonishment on the elf's face. "I'm afraid your road will lead you there eventually," she said and swallowed again to regain her composure and voice, "you'll throw it back in when you do and think of me," she finished looking down to her boots. A silence followed. Irulan thought about her day at the Grey Havens when she had watched an elven ship leave the gulf to Valinor, never to return again. Standing there as the only human at the misty shore, she had felt like she was the only person left in Middle Earth, like she WAS Middle Earth itself, bidding farewell to the elves. The sadness had tainted her heart for weeks.  
  
Realizing that she had drifted away in her own thoughts, she suddenly looked up and found both elves staring at her with an amazed expression. She slightly cleared her throat, not knowing what else to do and they both came back to life.  
  
"A priceless gift, Irulan," said Haldir, "I thank you. Of course I did not need this to remember you by." Irulan smiled and bowed slightly.  
  
"Besides," the elf added with a lighter tone, "we might yet meet before that."  
  
Irulan laughed softly. "I sure hope so, Haldir."  
  
"Also, as an elf I could never let the kindness of humans exceed ours. I was prepared to give you a gift of departure myself, actually. But I'm afraid it is incomparable with the one you have given me," he said with a grin on his face.  
  
Irulan's eyebrows shot up. "You have a gift for me?" She laughed, unable to do otherwise, and clasped her hands in excitement.  
  
Haldir slowly brought out his hand and revealed a beautiful hairpin. Irulan's mouth dropped open and she slowly took it from his hand with utmost care. It was the most marvelous hairpin she had ever seen, made from a metal that glowed like dull silver and embedded with miniscule and very intricate leaf patterns. "This is........beyond words," she whispered to a very pleased Haldir. "It looks too precious, I could possibly not......"  
  
"Please," said Haldir and gently held up his hand. "I wish you to have it. However......" he said and looked up at her. Irulan halted. "However, I was hoping that you would let me.......braid your hair....in a fashion proper for this jewel," he finished, both surprised at himself and a bit nervous.  
  
Legolas gasped beside her. Irulan had almost forgotten that he was standing next to her. She looked up at him surprised and he seemed both disturbed and offended by the whole thing. If she did not know better, she would say that he looked also angry but certainly there was nothing here for Legolas to be angry about. She glanced back at Haldir who was waiting for an answer.  
  
"I don't see why not," she said softly.  
  
"You can't be serious!" bolted Legolas all of a sudden at Haldir, completely ignoring Irulan.  
  
"Why, I am very serious," said Haldir carefully, clasping his hands behind his back.  
  
"You will braid her HAIR?" the other elf asked with disbelief.  
  
Haldir cast a glance at Irulan and then back at Legolas. "I don't see your braid on it," he said with a cool voice, "so I don't see why I should not."  
  
Legolas clenched his jaws and took a step towards Haldir, but before he could say anything else, Irulan interrupted them: "Will somebody tell me what the heck is going on here?"  
  
Both elves froze and turned to her and both looked away at the same instant. She looked from one to the other and but both refused to meet her eyes. Just at that moment another elf came by and bowed to the trio. "Lady Irulan, Prince Legolas," he said with a velvet voice, "King Celeborn and Lady Galadhriel are awaiting you. They wish to bid you farewell." He bowed again and left as silently as he arrived.  
  
She looked back at the elves but they had not moved a hair. She rolled her eyes and grabbed Legolas' arm. "Haldir, thank you again for this gift. I shall put it on immediately," she said warmly and smiled up to him. "But I think we should not make the Lady wait."  
  
Haldir smiled warmly back at her and bowed again. "I am glad you liked it, Irulan. Namarie," he said and walked away.  
  
Irulan took Legolas' arm and began to walk in the direction the messenger elf had disappeared. Luckily he glided along willingly and neither spoke up again. The fellowship roughly lined up and each received a grey elvish cloak which was both very comfortable and oddly light. A beautiful brooch in the form of a leaf pinned on it just underneath their neck held the nape of the cloak. "Never before have we clad strangers in the garb of our people," said King Celeborn, "May these cloaks help shield you from unfriendly eyes." Irulan had heard about elvish cloaks that blended in with the environment around them, making the wearer almost impossible to see in the wild. She could not imagine how this grey and rough material could do that, but did not question it any further, for Lady Galadhriel was walking down the line, bidding farewell to each of them and handing out presents.  
  
She looked over to Legolas who had left her side and moved further up on the line to her right, but he did not turn back to her and kept staring ahead. For some reason he still seemed a bit upset. Until Galadhriel handed him a bow, that is. Irulan could not help smiling on the expression on his face when he received the elegant weapon. 'Behold, a three thousand years old little boy!' she thought with amusement. Gimli stirred to her right and she looked down at the dwarf. He seemed quite restless and uneasy himself.  
  
"What is it, Gimli?" she whispered. He just shot an eerie look at her and resumed his fidgeting. 'I am sure missing out on a lot of things today,' she thought. But as Galadhriel moved down the line she felt more and more uneasy herself. She had not spoken to the Lady of Lothlorien again after that night. She had thought about that night many times since then - although fleetingly. But as the elf came closer and closer to her, pieces of their conversation began resurfacing and she felt the desperation and shame slowly taking hold of her again. She closed her eyes and tried to calm down.  
  
"And what would a dwarf ask of the elves?" she heard the beautiful voice a moment later beside her. She dared to look sideways and to her utter surprise Gimli made a most flattering compliment about Galadhriel's beauty, saying "Nothing..except to look upon the lady of the Galadhrim one last time. For she is fairer than all the jewels beneath the earth," followed by a mumbling and stammering that sounded like "I could not..possibly...it's ridiculous, really..." Irulan looked at the woman and Galadhriel smiled back at her. She exhaled in relief. Odd, but she feared the other woman to be angry at her and that thought made her more afraid than anything else.  
  
After a few more moments of stammering, throughout which the Lady of the Wood waited with endless patience, Gimli finally found the heart to ask for one hair "from her golden head" as he put it. Irulan bit her lip to keep down the giggle in her throat. 'Elf-witch of terrible power indeed!' she thought, 'Again, that terrible romanticism Chemarit had!' She smiled when the Lady but gave him three and when a very dreamy looking Gimli bowed to her and slowly walked away with his treasure.  
  
She was so caught up with that scene that she slightly flinched when she remembered that it was her turn now. Irulan was the last on the line and she was glad that Gimli had walked away. She looked up to Galadhriel and found her looking back at her, smiling warmly. "My lady," she said softly and was glad that she did not stammer saying it.  
  
"I wish we had more time to spend together, Irulan," Galadhriel said to Irulan's surprise. "Alas, time is working against us," she finished after a short silence.  
  
She opened her palm to reveal a little round object that looked like a metal medallion on a piece of leather thread. Irulan looked down at it and then back up at Galadhriel. "Wear it," said Galadhriel, gently lowering the necklace down to Irulan's palm. "It shall uncloud your eyes when you lose your vision." Irulan closed her fingers on it, but did not remove her hand. "Thank you my lady," she said, looking directly at the elf now. She wanted to see as much of Galadhriel as possible, for she was afraid that they might never meet again.  
  
"I thought about what you said," Irulan said slowly, "and I think I understand what you mean. Though I still don't know what to do," she finished.  
  
Galadhriel smiled then. "Your heart will find its way, Irulan," she said slowly, "I know it will. You must trust it." Irulan bowed as the Lady left her side.  
  
***  
  
So they took leave of the Lorien elves and slowly began to paddle down the River Anduin. She was sitting between Legolas and Gimli, the dwarf in the front, Legolas in the rear with the paddle. Boromir had Merry and Pippin on his boat while Aragorn was leading the group again with Frodo and Sam as his cargo. For a while they paddled along in silence, each thinking probably back to their short but precious time in the woods. 'Those woods are enchanted for sure,' thought Irulan, 'how can one feel so terrible about leaving them behind after staying only a couple of days?'  
  
"I have taken the worst blow with this parting," Gimli said suddenly, "for I have looked the last on the fairest on this world." Irulan glanced back at Legolas, who smiled back at her.  
  
"Ask him what her gift to him was," she said without a sound, forming the words with her lips.  
  
"What was her gift to you?" asked Legolas softly.  
  
"I asked for a hair from her golden head..she gave me three," he said and sighed deeply.  
  
Irulan glanced back at Legolas and they both grinned at each other.  
  
"Aren't elves beautiful creatures?" Irulan said with a sigh herself, glancing at the dwarf in front of her.  
  
"Fairer than the jewels underneath the earth," he said again, not hearing the teasing in her voice.  
  
She shook her head and looked back at Legolas, who was looking at her with a dreamy expression again. "Indeed," whispered Irulan to herself and turned back to look ahead into the blue waters. Suddenly the word "jewel" brought back the memory of the hairpin in her pocket "Legolas!" she said, and turned around again, "What was that tumult about braiding my hair?" Legolas visibly stiffened but kept looking ahead, avoiding her gaze.  
  
After a long silence during which Irulan refused to look away, he finally sighed and said "Irulan, you do not know the elvish ways. I felt that I should.....protect you."  
  
"Irulan's eyebrows shot up at that. "Protect me?" she said, a little stupefied.  
  
Legolas looked at her then and he seemed at a loss of words of what to say. "Irulan.." he began again after a moment, "it would not be...proper.....for him to braid your hair."  
  
Both Irulan and Gimli were staring at the elf with pure curiosity now. "What are you talking about?" said Irulan finally very slowly.  
  
"Braiding someone's hair is a very...intimate act for the elves," Legolas finally managed and looked away again.  
  
Irulan turned to look at Gimli who was staring back at her with raised eyebrows. She turned back to Legolas and asked "How intimate?"  
  
"If you must know," he shot back, a little angry now, "it is as intimate as kissing."  
  
There was a long silence when the only thing they could hear was the gurgling of water and the soft swishing of the paddle as it was dipping into it.  
  
"And why exactly would you want to protect me from that?" asked Irulan with a low and amused voice.  
  
Legolas' head shot up at that. He had a shocked expression on his face and Irulan could not hold it any longer. She began to laugh. Legolas quickly looked away and resumed his paddling.  
  
"So NOW I see....someone tried to braid Irulan's hair, huh?" the dwarf asked with his abrasive voice.  
  
"Yes," hissed Legolas with a very unpleasant expression. "Haldir," he added a moment later.  
  
"Haldir?" protested Gimli and the rest of the company in the other boats turned around for a moment to take a look at what was going on there.  
  
"Well...if I knew that, I would have asked him earlier for sure," said Irulan, still laughing softly and wiping tears from her eyes.  
  
"You can not let a stranger like that braid your hair, woman!" Gimli said all of a sudden and both Legolas' and Irulan's head snapped around to him. He looked quite serious though. "Legolas!" he continued, "I thought better of you! How could you let him even propose such a thing?"  
  
This time Irulan was the surprised one. She took another look at the dwarf but to her confusion, he looked very serious. She turned around and Legolas looked stunned as well. Only his expression was quickly changing into satisfaction.  
  
"Don't be ridiculous!" said Irulan a little uneasy.  
  
"Ridiculous?!" he replied, again a trifle too loud. "Gather your wits, girl! The lad here did the right thing. Why, I would have given that Haldir a much rougher lesson if I knew!"  
  
She looked from one man to the other but the process soon became too painful because one was sitting behind her and the other in front of her.  
  
"It was not really his fault, Gimli" said Legolas suddenly, "Maybe my mind would be clouded too if I had received a gift like that from a beautiful woman," he said with a low growl.  
  
"A gift?"  
  
"A very kind and valuable one, at that," said Legolas, now completely caught up in the process of complaining. "It was my belief that we are sharing a much stronger bond as the fellowship, but I don't remember ever receiving a gift. Do you?"  
  
"Neither do I, my friend, neither do I. After going all the things we went through together....one would guess different indeed."  
  
"Very much so. But alas, our princess decides to give one to Haldir. And then agrees for HIM to braid her hair!"  
  
"And she blames YOU for stopping her!"  
  
"Yes, Master Gimli. Exactly."  
  
"Will you two cut the crap?!" Irulan screamed in horror. "It is none of your business to whom I give gifts....much less who braids my hair!"  
  
Gimli turned around to look at her with serious accusation in his face and was about to say something when Aragorn's voice boomed up "What is going on here?" Irulan realized that his boat had moved back and was gliding on their right, keeping their pace. Frodo and Sam had a very confused expression on their faces, looking with unease from one to the other.  
  
"Haldir tried to braid Irulan's hair, here," said Gimli with a voice that said it was all one needed to say about the issue.  
  
"Is that so?" said Aragorn with obvious amusement. Irulan rolled her eyes and slapped her forehead. 'This is too absurd. I am probably still dreaming one of those horrible nightmares in Caras Galadhon,' she thought.  
  
"Is that bad?" said Frodo softly.  
  
"You bet it is, young hobbit!" yelled Gimli, "It means he tried to trick her into a kiss!" Both hobbits gasped in unison and glanced at her.  
  
'I'll be damned!' thought Irulan and resisted the urge to stick out her tongue to them. "It does not!" she protested in despair. "It has nothing to do with kissing. It is just......braiding, nothing more!"  
  
"It is a quite intimate thing to do," said Aragorn, very obviously enjoying the whole show.  
  
"So?" shot back Irulan, feeling herself getting very much annoyed about the publicity now.  
  
"You would let him do that...Lady Irulan?" Sam asked with disbelief.  
  
"I very much would! If our hero here..." she pointed to Legolas with her head, not looking back, "..had not interrupted so rudely."  
  
"I had no idea you meant to kiss Haldir," he said coldly from behind her.  
  
Another gasp from the hobbits. "I did not mean to kiss him, you fool!" she yelped, now her irritation turning into frustration.  
  
"Who is kissing whom?" said Merry from the boat that had moved very close to their left. All three men in that one as well were locked on her. Irulan closed her eyes and tried to calm down.  
  
"Haldir tried to kiss Irulan," said Gimli and all three gasped in unison. "But don't worry, Legolas stopped him."  
  
"Well I can't believe the nerve of that man!" said Boromir very disturbed now. "I mean....Irulan is one of us!"  
  
"Under our very nose, huh? Lucky you were around Legolas," chirped Pippin.  
  
"Lucky for Haldir too!" boomed Gimli, "My interference would not be that kind!"  
  
"Would you like to send emissaries to the Dark Lord himself as well, Gimli?" hissed Irulan, glaring at him dangerously, "for I think if ALL Middle Earth is going to know about it, HE should be informed as well!" Aragorn laughed out at that, but the rest were too caught up chatting to realize. "Enough already!" she screamed and everyone stopped talking. "One more world about this -ONE WORD- and I promise to remind you what a Darma Druid is, for you all have obviously FORGOTTEN!" she yelled and she was very, very serious - damn the ethics and all!  
  
A long silence prevailed during which Irulan closed her eyes and waited for any kind of utterance that even slightly resembled a word. What a perfect excuse that would be! Then she heard a soft whisper and she instantly looked up, ready to ask what the heck that was about, when she saw everyone whispering to each other and softly giggling. 'What the heck?......' she thought and felt her anger giving away to frustration and spite when she slowly realized that she had walked right into their trap. 'Sooooo...the mighty Irulan can be beaten after all...' whispered the sly voice in her head. 'Well who would have thought a company like this would act like.....like...a bunch of children!' she protested silently. 'They are supposed to save the world, not play tricks on me!' she added bitterly.  
  
"Well then," said Aragorn, still with a wide grin, "let us form a single line again. The river is narrowing down ahead." And with that, casting another bemused glance at her, he paddled ahead. Boromir's boat too moved further ahead with Merry and Pippin turning around several times and grinning at her. She hastily took out the hairpin and pinned her hair back so that Legolas can see it on her. He made no other remark or sound, but Irulan could literally FEEL the satisfaction and amusement emanating from him. 


	28. And The Stars Shall Be My Witness

Alas, stop with the reviews! They make me go on writing! I swear, I am putting my pen -ahem, laptop- aside and grin with the satisfaction that I will just stop for a while now, but then the reviews come rolling in and my fingers itch and the wheels in my brain creak and before I know it, the next chapter is up!  
  
Some notes:  
  
Dear Sharon and the many others who asked: I don't know if braiding is really that intimate for the elves. Tolkien did not write too much about the customs and daily lives of the elves, so I feel like he gave us freedom to elaborate. Frankly, for such a civilized and reserved kind -as I imagine them to be- I expect the sense of touch to be very intimate indeed. For anyone who has difficulty in understanding - imagine Legolas sitting behind you and braiding your hair. Your answer is right there.  
  
Scene Eleven and Sharon - thank you for the unbelievable compliments. Yes, the Darma Druids are my invention. Tolkien was not sick enough to think of those. More about them will come up in the next chapters.  
  
I am very glad that some think the first 13 chapters concerning Irulan alone were so good. I was afraid they would appear unrelated and boring. I keep going back in between, revising and checking on those to refer to them. Many of the conversations and thoughts appearing in recent chapters can be found back there and I think it just makes the story complete and adds sweet details.  
  
And as to the rest of you! Tara, kirjava, strawberryblonde, throwachick, kiki, lucy and many others (forgive me if I don't mention your name here, but believe me I read each and every review with utmost interest and gratitude, and often more than once) - I already feel like you are in the same boat with me here and we have embarked on this journey together. Some of us want romance, others humor, yet others action - I fear that Irulan will decide what we'll get.  
  
The chapter below is the longest I have written yet. I thought about dividing it into two for a while, but it would be dry then. Besides, this story is becoming too long without it anyway.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Are you planning to sulk forever Irulan?" sounded Gimli's voice from behind her. Irulan did not look around. She just kept on moving the necessary bags from the boats to the camp for the night. It was almost dark now and paddling down a fast river such as the Anduin in the dark was not a very bright idea. She picked up one of the many bundles of brown cloth and realizing how light they were, decided to peer inside to see what it contained. It looked like......some sort of bread wrapped in a rather large leaf. 'Could it be?......' she thought.  
  
"Lembas bread," said Legolas. As usual, she had not heard him coming to stand beside her, peering over her shoulder.  
  
"I know what it is," she said coldly and turned around to carry the bundles back to the camp, only he was blocking her way. So she tried to move around him, but he was faster of course and blocked her. She tried to move around him the other way and he blocked her again. Irulan looked up to see him smiling down at her. He crossed his arms on his chest then and said: "I think she is planning to sulk forever indeed, Gimli."  
  
'The common goal of tormenting me has united two enemy races!' she thought annoyed. 'Alas, Middle Earth will never know my true value!'  
  
"Give the girl some space, Legolas," Aragorn chuckled from a distance. He had finished lighting the fire and was coming towards them now, leaving the fire to the hobbits.  
  
"Come on Irulan, we were just joking," said Boromir. He was unpacking one of his bags.  
  
"Ah shut up the lot of you!" she said with a growl. "Grow up already!" She moved around Legolas and walked up to the camp.  
  
"We promise to grow up if you promise to stop sulking," Boromir said.  
  
"I am not sulking."  
  
Irulan was busy nibbling on the famous elvish waybread with delight. It tasted both rich and oddly light. It had a secret recipe, now reserved to the Lorien elves, and was not known to many others. 'I never thought I would get the chance to eat this,' she thought happily.  
  
Aragorn chuckled. "Well if we knew you liked Haldir that much......."  
  
"Master Aragorn," she said, waving the bread in his direction, "of all these men, I thought you were the most mature. But, unfortunately my theory concerning the age of men holds." She waited another moment, but then began to chuckle. "Alright you guys. I was never good at holding a grudge. But-" she said and smiled slyly, "I was always good with vengeance."  
  
"That's the Irulan I know!" said Boromir. "I knew that Haldir was not your type anyway."  
  
Irulan very slowly turned around to look at him. "Oh?" she said slowly and looked at him for a moment too long before she returned to nibbling on the bread. A silence settled in and she heard the hobbits discussing the various ways of drinking beer. Frodo was not joining them. He seemed to be oddly silent since Lothlorien and kept apart from everyone. "I should ask him if he feels alright sometime soon," she thought to herself.  
  
"Don't tell me you liked him!" Boromir pressed on, unhappy with not getting a reply.  
  
"As a matter of fact.....I thought he was quite attractive," she said slowly, still not looking up from her meal.  
  
"Hah!" said Gimli and looked like he was desperately thinking about something else to say on the matter, but obviously found nothing else and just yelled "Hah!" again. Him and Aragorn exchanged glances.  
  
"And you would let him braid your hair? I mean......knowing what that meant?" Boromir pressed on, now openly disturbed by her cool attitude.  
  
Irulan sighed and rolled her eyes "Can we drop this issue?"  
  
"I'm just asking, you know" Boromir said with a voice a bit too serious for an idle question.  
  
"Well if you must know, I find this whole 'hair braiding' issue ridiculous. If the elf here," she said and glared at Legolas who was leaning on a large boulder, further towards he water, "had not brought it up, I doubt that any of us would feel like that about a braid. I think Haldir was just being nice and there is nothing more to it. And I certainly am old enough not to get carried away by an act like that. I only wish I could say that for the rest of the company here!"  
  
Another silence. "Oh.......yes......sure," said Boromir, but he sounded anything but sure.  
  
Gimli cleared his throat and, shooting another unreadable look at Aragorn, said "Irulan, you can at least TRY to lie better."  
  
"I'm not lying, you dwarf!' she protested with disbelief.  
  
Aragon snickered and looked away. "What? Why would I lie about this?" said Irulan.  
  
"Why would she?" added Boromir, sounding both irritated and protective of her.  
  
"Alright. Prove it," said Gimli.  
  
Irulan looked at him and then at Aragorn and then back. "PROVE it?" She laughed softly. "Indeed!"  
  
"I told you Master Gimli," said Aragorn, completely ignoring her.  
  
"And you were right indeed!" said Gimli, resuming his eating.  
  
"Ah don't be ridiculous! How on earth can I prove that? Why would I anyway?" she said.  
  
"Why indeed?" said Boromir, looking at them with narrowed eyes.  
  
"Cause she is lying, that's why!" replied Gimli.  
  
"Alright, that does it!" said Irulan and although a little voice in her head kept chirping about another trap, she would just damn ignore it this time. She jumped up and almost ripping off the hairpin from her hair, stomped over to Gimli. "Here. Take it and braid my hair, then put it on. If you have the NERVE that is, you dwarf!" she hissed. Gimli just looked up at her with mild surprise. "Go ahead!" she said, "I sure don't mind at all."  
  
"Don't be silly woman! Do I look like someone who can braid hair?" he mumbled and turned away with disinterest.  
  
"Very well," said Irulan and walked over to an Aragorn who looked like he was thinking very hard to find an excuse but was failing badly at it. "She pushed the jewel up to his nose. "Master Aragorn, will you do me the honor?" she said in a velvet voice. Aragorn literally gulped and held up both his hands, and even took a small step back. "Aw come on. It's just braiding. Don't tell me you think otherwise!"  
  
"No......it's not that. It's just......Arwen is not as open-minded as I am about these matters. I really couldn't" he said, lying so obviously that for a moment she actually felt sorry for him.  
  
"I'll do it," said Boromir all of a sudden and stood up. The smile on his face was a sight to see.  
  
"No you won't!" interrupted Gimli and his voice startled them all.  
  
"Why not?" said Boromir after a too long moment.  
  
"Because......."  
  
"Because, let's face it....It has to be an elf," said Aragorn. Legolas, Irulan, Boromir and Gimli turned to him and stared without blinking. Aragorn just scratched his beard though and looked out towards the river like he very much regretted speaking up.  
  
"What are you talking about?" said Boromir, expressing utter confusion.  
  
"Don't you understand?" said Gimli with impatience.  
  
"Actually I don't," said Boromir, crossing his arms.  
  
'Is is just me or is this whole thing kind of odd?' thought Irulan.  
  
"Alright. Tell him, Master Aragorn!"  
  
Aragorn looked stunned for a moment, but then cast the dwarf a dangerous look and, clearing his throat, went on: "Well..obviously this is an elvish custom. Any of us doing it would certainly mean nothing...It would be nothing to be intimidated about. That's exactly why she is asking us.......and not......Legolas" he finished, slightly exhaling with relief at the end of the sentence.  
  
"Hah!" said Gimli with satisfaction, oddly relaxed as well, "That devil of a woman!"  
  
"Ah please!" said Irulan and rolled her eyes. "You men are so immature that I'm starting to think even the hobbits here make more sense!" She glanced at the hobbits who were STILL arguing about drinking beer and thought 'Maybe not'. "Fine!" said Irulan and turned on her heels to walk towards Legolas, who had moved away from the boulder and was standing now with a very confused look on his face, looking at the group. His eyes widened when he saw her striding towards him. She held out the hairpin to him when she was close enough, and said "Legolas, would you please braid my hair?" with a formal and regal tone. The elf's mouth dropped open and he looked from her to the company and then back. Irulan's eyebrows shut up at his expression and she turned around to face the rest.  
  
"See.......I am not intimidated at all. Because I happen to be mature enough to know that there is nothing to it. Unlike this fierce WARRIOR elven prince!" she chirped with amusement. "I win!" She crossed her arms in front of her, grinning with cruel pleasure, "And I think I deserve a serious apology."  
  
Gimli shot Aragorn another weird look and the other just massaged his face, moaning. "Legolas! What's the matter with you, elf?" the dwarf boomed finally. "Are you going to lose to HER?"  
  
"Well I......." said Legolas and stepped beside Irulan, still looking at the rest of the party.  
  
"Why do you push him?" interrupted Boromir with an angry voice.  
  
"I'll be damned if I apologize to a woman because of a witless elf, that's why!" boomed Gimli and he almost looked like he was about to grab his axe and chop off Legolas' head.  
  
The hobbits had stopped talking and were silently and nervously watching the scene. Aragorn was grinding his teeth and looking at Legolas as if he meant to join Gimli in his head-chopping quest.  
  
"Well he obviously does not want to," yelled Boromir.  
  
"I DO want to," shot Legolas back ruefully.  
  
Everybody's head snapped around to him. "What?" Irulan said with disbelief.  
  
Legolas pushed his chin up and looked down at her. "It will be a pleasure, Irulan," he said softly and made an attempt to take the hairpin from her hand.  
  
"Wait a MINUTE!" she snapped and hastily held it back. "You just said you would not."  
  
"I did not say such a thing. Actually I did not get the chance to say anything. I was surprised, that's all."  
  
"Well......I......I still think you had your chance and it's too late to change your mind now," she almost stammered.  
  
"Hah! Told you! She can't do it!" said Gimli, laughing with pleasure now.  
  
"Why Irulan......looks like you owe US an apology," grinned Aragorn.  
  
Irulan clenched her jaws and took a deep breath. "In your dreams, you immature lot!" she hissed and rudely held out the hairpin to Legolas again. "You do something funny to my hair, I swear I'll get back to yours," she said darkly. Legolas smiled with pleasure and waited a moment too long before accepting the jewel. "I can't promise that you will look more beautiful than you do now, Lady Irulan, for I doubt that such a thing is possible, but I'll do my best," he said softly.  
  
Irulan rolled her eyes "So what do I do?"  
  
"Alright. First of all, we have to wet your hair. And then I'll comb it.....but we have to find a good spot. Someplace where you can sit comfortably and I can sit behind you and a little higher than you....." he said and began to drag her away by her arm.  
  
"What's wrong with here?" she said, a little stupefied.  
  
"Too noisy," he said dismissively and kept going, pulling her behind him.  
  
"Too noisy?" was all they heard before the two disappeared in the darkness.  
  
The silence at the campsite prevailed. Aragorn grinned back at Gimli who resumed chewing his dinner with satisfaction. Boromir looked from one to the other with obvious and grave anger and walked off into the opposite direction. He looked back one last time, and then disappeared among the trees.  
  
"What just happened?" asked Merry with a nervous voice.  
  
"Legolas is going to braid Irulan's hair," Gimli replied, looking up at the stars and chewing.  
  
All four hobbits gasped.  
  
***  
  
"What exactly are you doing?" said Irulan with impatience.  
  
"Combing your hair, what do you think?" was his reply.  
  
"Is this going to take all night?"  
  
"I can not rush it. It is a serious process."  
  
Irulan sighed once again. She felt more than a little trapped and once again had to thank herself for being so. 'It is only fair when I get all angry like that and lose my ability of thinking!' This was the second time in a day those two men had managed to manipulate her and alas, that was NEVER heard off. 'I really am losing my edge. This company is very bad for me,' she thought bitterly. They were sitting at the shore, Irulan on a patch of grass and Legolas right behind her, on a small boulder. There was a full moon tonight and it gave off a wonderful soft light. The River Anduin was flowing by lazily. And no matter how hard she tried, she could not deny that being braided and combed by an elf was a pleasure like no other. At least now she knew why the elves thought it was so intimate. Because it very much was! Thinking in that direction made her uneasy again and once more she sighed and started to rip off some grass.  
  
"Don't tilt your head like that," said Legolas softly and continued brushing her hair.  
  
"Legolas, I seriously think there are no tangles or knots whatsoever left in there. I think you should just braid and finish it."  
  
"Your hair is long and wavy," he replied stubbornly, "It is not easy to braid this kind of hair. And I am not going to make it look less favorable. Why are you in a hurry anyway?"  
  
"I am in no hurry. I am just tired of sitting in this position," she lied. Actually she was too comfortable at the moment and exactly THAT was the perfect reason why she should get up and leave. The sensation of his light fingers on her collarbone and her neck and the soft strokes of the brush were giving her a VERY hard time. It was quite chilly and damp so late at night and so close to the river, but Irulan felt like she was burning with fever.  
  
"Besides, I don't think Haldir meant to drag it out for so long. We were leaving, remember? He would have been finished a long time ago by now," she tried desperately once more.  
  
Legolas slightly stiffened when she mentioned his name but Irulan did not feel it. "Maybe he was not planning on actually braiding your hair as much as something else," he said sourly.  
  
She tried to turn her head to look at him but he softly stopped the movement. "Don't move your head, Irulan." A long silence followed. Irulan would close her eyes, only the sensations she would drift into by doing that were definitely not what she wanted to feel at that moment. So she tried to look towards the river without moving too much.  
  
"Legolas?" she finally said, "Can elves fall in love?"  
  
Legolas unconsciously stopped and looked down at her, but realizing that she would think it odd, hastily resumed his soft combing. "Of course they can," he said after a moment. Irulan though was too caught up in her thoughts to realize his hesitation. "How do they feel when they do?" she said and slightly turned her head as if she meant to look at him, but stopped in mid action.  
  
"Why do you ask Irulan?" he answered, softly swallowing.  
  
She shrugged softly. "It is something that has been.......on my mind for some time now. I wonder if you feel like we do," she said matter-of-factly. He tried to make sense of her words, but felt too confused at the moment to do so.  
  
"I would not know," he said finally, "for I do not know how mortals feel."  
  
"Alright. Then tell me how you feel."  
  
"What?"  
  
This time she did turn around and look up at him. "You were never in love?" Legolas looked down at her and felt all thoughts draining away. He had no clue about what to say. 'Is she playing with me?' he thought nervously. Irulan shook her head with a sly grin, "What do you take me for? I seriously doubt you never fell in love in three thousand years," she said and turned to look at the river again. Legolas exhaled in relief and resumed the combing process. But Irulan would not let it be, of course: "So?" she said after a moment.  
  
"What makes you think that I will tell you about something as private and intimate as that?" he snorted finally, hoping that she would not detect the tinge of anxiety in his voice. In all the long years of his life he had never felt so afraid and nervous - not in the fiercest battles and not in the presence of the most beautiful elven maidens.  
  
"Because," said Irulan and her hand flew out to wave, "One: it fits the occasion. Unless you are willing to talk about the orcs in the dungeons of Barad-dûr while combing my hair in the moonlight, that is. Two: You are the only elf around and now that it has come to my mind, I really can not let go of the subject. And last but not least: we are.......what was it......melloni," she said, pronouncing the word with a strange accent. Legolas could not help but smile. He put the comb aside and slowly started to divide certain parts of the hair encircling her face into strands.  
  
"I am still waiting down here," she said a moment later and Legolas sighed bitterly. "I really don't know how to describe it."  
  
"Well stop whining and try, you elf!"  
  
"Alright. It feels.....like........it feels.....like........like......too much...." he said finally and hastily resumed his braiding. Of course he knew what the dreadful reply to that would be.  
  
"Too much what?" said Irulan.  
  
"Too much of everything," he replied sharply.  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"Don't move your head!"  
  
"Sorry. Could you go into detail a little bit?"  
  
"This is too difficult to explain....especially to a human. It just feels like the world explodes in you.....and there is so much pleasure.......and yet so much pain. So much hope, and yet despair. Immense joy and unbelievable sadness. Strength and so much weakness. Everything becomes so clear, like a morning after a storm, fresh and clean and yet.......the world is a chaos and you don't understand a single thing." Legolas sighed in despair. "All of this, and yet none. I....just don't know," he said sadly.  
  
"Opposites merge into one," whispered Irulan suddenly, "and the world stops making sense," remembering a long forgotten summer day.  
  
"Yes," said Legolas, stunned. "Yes," he whispered and stopped braiding. Suddenly he felt something that he had not felt for a very long time, and certainly not in a matter like this: jealousy crept closer like a beast in the shadows and even though Legolas could not see or hear it clearly yet, he felt the peril in the darkness strong enough to fear it. 'Could it be that.....could it be.....that..she is not quoting from some book or poem, but....from personal experience?' he thought and felt like throwing away the comb and jumping to his feet. A long moment passed during which he battled that instinct and did not dare to breathe.  
  
"Well......it certainly sounds like the feelings of mortals," she said finally, a little uneasy and dreamy. 'This is odd indeed,' Irulan thought, and when she realized that Legolas was suspiciously silent and not moving behind her, she almost turned around to look, but Legolas, afraid to look at her now, once again held her cheek for a moment too long before he softly turned her head away. "I'm not done yet," he whispered and began to braid again. They were both silent for a while. 'This is certainly how dying feels,' Legolas thought. 'There is no way one can endure such torture. I will die right here.'  
  
"But if you really feel that way," said Irulan, once again breaking the silence and his train of thoughts, "how can you expect people to turn away from such a force?" A very disturbing thought that she had cast away a long time ago was now beginning to glow in her mind once more. She thought she had forgotten about that ages ago, but now feeling once again the acidic taste of the idea in her mouth, she realized that she would never rest if she did not find an answer to it.  
  
"What?" said Legolas, truly confused now.  
  
Irulan slowly turned around and looked up at him. He was so stupefied by the whole issue that he did not even notice and therefore did not stop her. She looked at him a long moment before she resumed her normal position. A silence followed, but Legolas suddenly liked it better that way. He also liked the fact that she was not looking at him anymore. He hastily braided her hair, almost finished now.  
  
"You don't know what I am talking about?" she said with a cold voice.  
  
Legolas swallowed softly. "No. What are you talking about?" he said but his voice was a perfect expression of disinterest. He really did not want to hear. To think that he had wished to tell her just days ago! That he had wanted her to know! He almost laughed with the irony.  
  
She turned her head sideways then and said slowly "Why did you tell Arwen to give up her love for Aragorn, Legolas?"  
  
Legolas froze. He could not move a finger and he could not form a single thought. This was completely unexpected. 'Arwen.......' he thought with astonishment, and then, 'Aragorn?' And for a few moments those names truly meant nothing to him. And then, the meaning of everything came crashing down at him and it came down so hard, he literally winced from the effect. "How?......" he managed as he result of some miracle.  
  
Irulan sighed softly. "Arwen told me. A long time ago. She didn't know that I knew YOU, though. She and Elrond are one of the very few who know my identity as the Black Knight. Actually she is a close friend. She just felt awful about it and I forced her to talk, so she told me what was making her so sad - her relationship with Aragorn and everybody else very much disapproving, that is. And because she did not know that I had met you before, she saw no harm in giving the name. Well.......alright......I kind of dragged it out of her," she said. 'Because I actually meant to track these twisted people down and teach them a lesson for doing that to her,' she thought silently, and naturally decided to leave this little detail out. "But anyway......." she said and turned look up at him again, "I was very surprised to hear the name of the Prince of Mirkwood," she said, her eyes locked to his.  
  
Legolas put his hands on her shoulders, completely unaware of what he is doing. He was staring back at her, but she easily saw that he was looking through her, his mind lost somewhere else. Everything became very, very clear suddenly in his mind. And the fear of death moments ago faded into something much stronger: the wish for death. Irulan turned away again and looked towards the water. 'This is the moment I'm supposed to say that I was more than surprised.......more like.......disappointed. Actually.......hurt,' she thought bitterly. 'This is exactly the moment I'm supposed to remind him of the day he kissed me under that damn tree and ruined my heart.' Instead, she sighed softly and thought 'Legolas, Legolas, Legolas........the elf who turned out to be a man.' She realized that Legolas, having finished her braid and softly pinned the hairpin on it, was moving away from her. She stood up as well and turned to him.  
  
He looked completely at a loss of words and so utterly.....broken. 'Well, not that he did not deserve it........but......it was such a long time ago and I was so.....naive. Who's to say that I did not fool myself more than he tried to fool me?' she thought.  
  
"It was the gravest mistake of my life," he said very slowly, looking at her with fierce intensity, and Irulan felt the hair on her arms rising softly. "And it looks like the retribution will be far more severe than I thought," he finished with a whisper and looked like he was about to cry.  
  
"Legolas..I'm sorry," said Irulan, suddenly afraid for no apparent reason, "I was not trying to be cruel...." In fact she had just meant to ask him why he felt that way, but apparently had just managed to make a really big mess out of it. True, she had been disappointed, but now that they were friends, those feelings had lost their sharpness.  
  
Legolas shook his head and looked away, smiling "I know Irulan. Alas, it is my fate that is cruel," he said, again with that hoarse voice. And oddly, she felt him slipping away. Like water running through her fingers, he was slowly and silently flowing away from her and her grasp.  
  
'That's what you get for being nosy!' the voice in her head snapped with perfect timing. 'For sticking your big nose into people's affairs! For all the gossip you are making behind their backs! For slapping things like this into their faces!' it hissed. 'I was not! Is it not my right to understand what he felt for me back then? I sure felt stupid when I heard that comment from Arwen!' she tried to defend herself, but the sight in front of her made her fail miserably.  
  
"Alright now, stop it!" she yelled all of a sudden and walked up to him. It would have been wonderful to see him taken aback by that or at least flinch...but Legolas was so lost in his own world by now, he did not even see her coming. She desperately grabbed his arm with both hands -in case he might decide to bolt away- and tried to make him look down at her. "Legolas! Look at me!" she said with as much command as she could muster (which was not too much).  
  
Legolas DID look at her, though. "Irulan. I am so sorry," he said and swallowed softly. His voice was a warm breeze on knee-high grass. "I understand now. I understand everything. I know you can not forgive me ever again. I know it was in vain from the very beginning," he said. 'What the hell is he TALKING about?' her mind was screaming as she stood feeling as intelligent as a piece of rock.  
  
Once, when Irulan was a little girl, one of the sons of the servants in the castle had fallen into a well in the garden. The kid had remained stuck there in the darkness with who knows how many of his childhood horror stories storming through his brain for hours before Irulan heard his cry and found him. She had run to find help but nobody believed her, thinking it was one of her tricks again. So she had ended up finding a piece of rope and running back to the well. It was getting dark very fast and even Irulan's little heart had faltered more and more often with the setting twilight.  
  
She knew she could climb out easily from there herself, and when she saw that the boy could not be persuaded to try himself, she had finally jumped into the dark well. Why? Who knows? It is because of the kind of person she was, perhaps. However, the boy was so scared and hopeless, that she had failed to persuade him there as well. She had talked and talked, but the boy had remained crouched, not even looking up at her, completely closed off in his small world.  
  
Finally, not knowing what else to do, she had tied the rope to her waist and then to his waist. She had then forced his arms away from his face and looked him in the eye like she had not looked anyone in the eye before, for her own fear and desperation were getting a hold on her. "I will climb out now," she had said with a cold voice to the boy who was so taken aback by her eyes, that he had actually listened to her, "and if you do not come with me, you will make me fall. If I fall, I will hit my head and I will die. But I will not take off this rope, because I know that you will NOT let that happen," she had said, hoping that he would be terrified enough by the thought of that, for in fact she had no idea if he would follow or not, but knew only too well that his refusal would probably really end up with herself getting seriously hurt. Yet she had turned around and climbed out of that well, with a silent and very frightened boy following her.  
  
It was at that moment that, facing utter desperation, Irulan very unconsciously became the girl who jumped into the dark well, once more, and did something she had not done ever since. She looked up at Legolas and felt once more fear and desperation taking a hold of her and went up to throw her arms around his neck, pulling him closer for a tight embrace. And although she knew how reserved elves were and that this kind of contact would probably very much disturb him, she did not think twice about it. And as she expected, Legolas did indeed flinch under her touch and did not hold her, but instead, tried to step back. Only she would not let go of course and stepped back with him, holding him even tighter. She placed her head on his shoulder, softly leaning on him. "Legolas, I will forgive and forget everything," she said and her voice sounded like a distant whisper, like the faint echo of an echo, "if you promise me but one thing."  
  
Legolas said nothing for a long time. But then he slowly wrapped his arms around her back and embraced her with utmost gentleness, as if he was afraid to hurt her. She felt him slowly overcoming the shock and very softly placing his cheek on her head. "Anything," he whispered warmly to her ear.  
  
Irulan closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Promise me that you will not leave Middle Earth as long as I am alive," she said, shocked that she had actually said it out loud. Because, ever since Galadhriel had told her about the inevitable journey of the elves to Valinor once the Ring was destroyed, all she could think about was Legolas and the fact that he, too, would sail off, never to return. And the idea that she was even at this very moment doing everything in her power to assist that process had opened an invisible wound in her which refused to cease bleeding. Again and again she had thought about the ship she watched sailing off into the waters of the River Lhûn, standing there in the cold morning mist, not knowing yet that ironically she herself would end up being one of the reasons this is happening. She had tried to think about Hetaire, about how feelings do not exist in reality, but under the radiant glow of that ache, all those statements had shriveled and dried up. Once again, her heart had betrayed her. 'Alas, I shall never be a good Sister,' she thought bitterly. 'My heart is too weak.'  
  
Legolas slowly tightened his grip and embraced her stronger now, and she felt both oddly anxious and very comfortable in his arms. "I promise," he said softly. Irulan closed her eyes, exhaled slowly and felt a warmness washing over her. 'What a selfish thing to ask, indeed,' she thought, but deep inside did not give a damn at the moment. 'So I am selfish,' she shot back to her alter ego. 'Who says that I will live to see the end of this, anyway?' She remained like that a moment longer, feeling Legolas softly stroking her back, and then, although she did not feel like it at all, she forced herself to slowly release her grip and step back. Legolas did not let go of her for another moment and Irulan took a sharp breath, suddenly thinking of what she would do if he decided not to. But to her relief, as the perfect gentleman, he slowly loosened his arms and then gracefully moved back a step.  
  
They stood there for a time which seemed both very long and very short, looking to the ground and listening to the river. Then Irulan finally found the courage to look up and when she did, so did Legolas. She smiled deftly at him, feeling an odd sadness in the air. It took her a moment to realize that it was the fact of her mortality and his immortality that had clouded the minds of both of them for a minute. She clasped her hands behind her back and looked up to the star dotted sky. 'So I bind thou to me,' she thought silently, 'And the stars shall be my witness.'  
  
"Did you really think I would leave you behind to sail to Valinor?" Legolas whispered suddenly, still looking at her, his head slightly cocked to the side, a hazy mixture of disbelief and wonder shading his handsome features.  
  
Irulan walked up to him and took his arm, softly pushing him towards the camp. "The thought has crossed my mind, Legolas," she said, convinced that it was a bad idea to admit that in fact she had thought about it countless times and feared it more than she had feared anything before.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When I consider every thing that grows,  
  
Holds in perfection but a little moment,  
  
That this huge stage presenteth nought but shows  
  
Whereon the stars in secret influence comment;  
  
When I perceive that men as plants increase,  
  
Cheered and cheque'd even by the self-same sky,  
  
Vaunt in their youthful sap, at height decrease,  
  
And wear their brave state out of memory;  
  
Then the conceit of this inconstant stay  
  
Sets you most rich in youth before my sight,  
  
Where wasteful Time debateth with Decay,  
  
To change your day of youth to sullied night;  
  
And all in war with Time for love of you,  
  
As he takes from you, I engraft you new.  
  
  
  
  
  
William Shakespeare - Sonnets 


	29. Giving in to Temptation

You people are cruel. Sigh...a wonderful kind of cruel, of course. I'm afraid as long as your kind words ring in my ears, I will never be able to stop! I can almost sympathize with Legolas as to what sweet torture is!  
  
I know that each chapter that is supposed to be sweet and romantic has also a tinge of sadness to it. I assume that a love like this is eventually painful for both parties and that is the whole point - what the drag is all about. Poor Aragorn and Arwen. Even poorer Legolas and Irulan - at least the former ones have sense. (Actually, the more I write, the more I am thinking about writing an Eowyn-Legolas fic that lacks the action but is soaked with romanticism). And kiki, ha ha, you are so sweet! Bu I really could not make her half-elven or anything right now. Pain is good. Pain leaves a mark and makes a story unforgettable. And this brings us to our next chapter:  
  
Alert my friends - I like Boromir myself, and it was never my intention of presenting him under a less than favorable light. He is a true hero who wants to do the right thing, but all the elements ironically end up working against him and he falters, as would anyone else in his position. Some parts seemed to be too strong and rough when I wrote them (and I have no idea how people in Middle Earth used to curse; so if anyone has a clue, let me know) but then I kept thinking back about Boromir's verbal and physical assault on Frodo and it did not seem too surreal after all - when he loses it, he loses it completely, I think. I just want you to imagine a man whose love for Irulan is 'rejected' for another (and an elf on top of that! We all know Boromir is not too fond of the other races), whose need for the Ring growing, Aragorn and Gimli obviously working against him and shutting him off, and who is feeling very alone. The result is natural. That is all I'm going to say about this chapter.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The next morning once again before dawn they were greeted with the blue mist. The fellowship slowly rose and prepared itself to face another tiring day, this time hoping to arrive to their goal, the Falls of Rauros. As Irulan woke up from dark and restless dreams once more, floating slowly towards reality, she felt a shadow descending on her and she knew that the day was pregnant with foul surprises. She unconsciously looked at Legolas, and the elf did not look too much better - although she was not sure whether it was because of their conversation yesterday, or the day ahead of them. She still had no idea why Legolas had reacted so drastically to her revelation concerning the Arwen and Aragorn matter.  
  
It was normal for him to be embarrassed, since he had, after all, kissed her and showed interest in her. For him to go around talking about love between immortals and mortals like that........was a matter of shame. But then, now that she looked back, Irulan could see that she had been the usual, foolish, naive young princess herself. He had been kind and charming, but now she knew that it was just the way of the elves. He had spent a lot of time with her during his stay, but it was probably just mild interest in a mortal woman like her. And he had kissed her, but a kiss is a far cry from love. He probably felt intrigued to do it, that's all. She herself had read into his actions more than there was to it. She had actually fooled herself to believe that he had feelings for her while all the time he was just being an elf. Irulan sighed with discomfort. 'Well I have to grant Vessun this' she thought irritated, 'feelings DO distract you'.  
  
Legolas realized her looking at him and walked over to her. "What is it, Irulan?" he said softly in the silence of the morning. She smiled back at him "Nothing.....I feel......odd" she said. She was expecting mocking, but Legolas took her very serious. "How do you mean?" he said.  
  
"Ah it's nothing" she whispered. "I would say a woman's instincts, but I would have to be a woman for that, won't I?" She winked at him.  
  
Legolas looked confused for a moment and then smiled again. He looked away, towards the direction they would be taking. "I know what you mean. My thoughts have been restless as well."  
  
Irulan's eyebrows shot up at that. 'I hope that there's nothing to worry about' she thought. Exactly at that moment Boromir walked by them, rudely running into Legolas, but not stopping to excuse himself. Legolas looked behind him with disbelief, and then at Irulan. Irulan, though, held up her hand and followed the man.  
  
He was carrying the equipment back to his boat and he looked like he did not get much sleep last night, either. Just when he reached the boat and began to put the bags in, Irulan arrived by his side. "Good morning Boromir" she said cautiously.  
  
He halted in mid-action but did not turn around and soon afterwards continued with his job. 'Maybe he is grumpy in the mornings' she thought, but the idea was not something she would bet on. "How are you feeling?" she tried again.  
  
"Like you care!" hissed Boromir and suddenly he looked at her with such hate that she felt something cold sliding down her spine. She bit her lower lip and thought about what to do. She could turn around and leave. 'Good idea' said the voice in her head. She could keep on pushing. 'I don't think so' replied the voice. "Of course I care" she heard herself saying softly before she even reached a decision. The voice in her head literally groaned.  
  
Boromir cast another hateful glance at her direction and then continued almost punching the bags while placing them in the boat. Irulan took another step toward the boat. It was too late to turn around now. Better to get to the bottom of this, because she had never seen her brother in arms like this and felt very concerned for him now. "Boromir...please speak to me...." she began, but the man interrupted her rudely:  
  
"Speak to you?! SPEAK to you?" he said, his voice ever so slightly rising, and then he very slowly walked towards her, jumped out of the boat and stood looking down at her. If Irulan had enough sense, she would step back and walk away, pretending this never happened. But as it was, she had no sense whatsoever. Or maybe she just had too much guts. In either case, she remained unaffected and calm. "But I can NOT speak to you, Lady Irulan" he said with a greasy voice, mimicking a bow, "I am not good enough for you."  
  
"What the heck are you talking about?" she said, her own voice betraying her growing anger now.  
  
"You know EXACTLY what I am talking about" he hissed once more, taking another quick step and standing right before her now, actually looming over her, because he was much bigger than Irulan. Irulan, though, only crossed her arms. She was not aware of it, but her Black Knight psyche was taking over bit by bit. Even though Irulan was a confused girl at times who flinched when it came to feelings, many (sometimes including herself) often forgot that she was yet also the Black Knight, who feared no physical attack.  
  
"Boromir" she said, and this time she did sound like the Black Knight so much, that for a moment the man's face twisted with confusion and he felt unsure of himself. It was but only a moment. "I have no time for this stupidity. You have a problem with me, you tell me. You don't, then stop acting like a weakling!"  
  
"I DO have a problem, alright!" he barked now. His face was darker than she ever remembered. He did not look angry, he looked...........'mad' whispered a voice in her head and Irulan again felt a cold liquid trickling down her spine. He grabbed her right arm and began to squeeze it, and although Irulan made no attempt to take it back, she also felt the pain there slowly finding its way to her brain. "My problem is that you are a lying, deceiving, treacherous........" -'Oh no, he does not dare' Irulan thought, but actually he did- "......whore!" he finished, looking very satisfied with himself.  
  
'Very well' thought Irulan, 'for the next five minutes, this man is not my friend anymore and I can hurt him as much as I want', and she was about to start a very nasty argument when she heard Legolas right next to her: "You will take that back right now!" he said with a low voice and Irulan could not remember his voice ever being like that before. She turned her head slightly to see his face and he looked like the darkest thunderclouds right before the first drop fell. And that's when she suddenly lost the anger and calmness of the Black Knight and felt fear, because she realized where this was going and what severe consequences it might have for the fellowship. Under no circumstances could she let that happen. Besides, Aragorn would surely boot her out this time. She hastily looked around for the others and realized with disappointment that she was too late in worrying. Everybody was stock still, listening to the conversation. Aragorn and Gimli dropped the equipment and began walking up to them. Irulan turned to Boromir once more. He was still holding her arm and now twisting it slightly, and it began to burn with intensity.  
  
"What if I don't?" he spat at Legolas, actually laughing a little, and that made him even scarier. "Why don't you make me.......Prince?" he added darkly.  
  
Legolas gritted his teeth and Irulan quickly spoke up "Legolas, please let me handle this. This is between Boromir and me. Do not interrupt our conversation" she said, but Legolas did not move a hair. Actually, locked as he was to Boromir's eyes, she wondered if he actually had heard her. Irulan had never seen him like that before and she gulped audibly, looking from one mad man to the other. 'Aragorn is going to throw me out for sure' she thought, panic rising in her.  
  
"You will take back what you said this instant" Legolas said again and she felt her heart growing gold at that tone, "and you will let her go right NOW" he added softly, never raising his voice, but having an even scarier effect on her than Boromir.  
  
Aragorn and Gimli had arrived at the site and Gimli grabbed Legolas' arm while Aragorn put his hand on Boromir's shoulder. But to everyone's utter surprise Boromir shook Aragorn off with force and made him stagger back a few steps. "Don't touch me!" he screamed. "You just go back to your scheming and laughing behind my back!"  
  
Gimli did not look to be doing a good job himself, for even though the elf made no attempt to move him away, he was also very much unaffected by the dwarf's attempt to shake him awake. Irulan tried to free her arm again but Boromir had a steely grip on her. Aragorn stepped up again and this time made no attempt to touch Boromir. He sounded very dangerous himself "Boromir, you will let go right now. You are not yourself" he said with a cool voice.  
  
"I do what I WANT to do, Aragorn. I am tired of you running around and telling me what to do!" he said and stepped back, jerking Irulan with him. She was caught so off guard that her legs slammed into the boat behind her and she barely managed not to wince.  
  
Legolas immediately made an attempt to jump towards them, but this time both Aragorn and Gimli had him in grip, knowing he would do that. After a few minutes of struggle Aragorn swiftly stepped in front of him, locking eyes with him. "Legolas" he said with a commanding tone, "step back!"  
  
Legolas though did not show an indication that he heard him, trying to free his arm from Gimli to reach to his bow. Meanwhile Irulan struggled again to free her arm from Boromir, but he would not let go. She could hit him and free herself of course, but once this whole thing got physical, these men would probably kill each other while the atmosphere was as tense as it was at the moment. She saw the hobbits running towards them with the corner of her eye.  
  
"Legolas!" said Aragorn with more fire in his voice and this time the elf actually heard him, "Stop right now!" Aragorn said and blocked his view again when he tried to look over to Irulan. "Legolas listen to him" said Irulan, trying to figure out how to get out of this mess. Legolas ever so slightly calmed down when he heard her voice and Aragorn placed his hands on his shoulders, once again locking eyes with him. "Stop my friend" he said with a low voice. The elf tried to look over the man's shoulder again, but failing to do so, stopped moving. Gimli patted his arm, still not letting go and he looked down at the dwarf.  
  
"Boromir, you stupid ox, let go of me right now" she hissed, trying to lower her voice enough so that only he could hear it. Boromir instantly turned to her and his face so close that she could feel his breath on her face when he spoke: "Why Irulan? You prefer elves to touch you now?"  
  
Her eyes widened at the remark. "Don't be stupid. Have you forgotten where you are? We are friends!" she said this time louder.  
  
"Friends!" he yelled as the hobbits arrived and everybody, including Aragorn turned around to look at him, "We are no friends! You all betrayed me!" he screamed.  
  
'He is mad' thought Irulan with astonishment. 'He has gone mad and none of us realized it happening'. The pain in her arm became unbearable, and she decided to stop struggling, since it hurt only more when she did.  
  
"Are you insane?! What are you talking about?" she protested.  
  
"I am not insane, Irulan. I just woke up from a dream" he hissed and then turning to the others, began to chuckle softly. Everyone seemed to be frozen in mid-action, looking at him, not knowing what to do. Everyone except Legolas, who was not looking at Boromir at all, but at her. Irulan had stopped squirming and she looked calmly back at him, silently trying to persuade him that she was fine. Only Legolas did not look convinced at all.  
  
"Did you think I would not see?" he began a moment later, still laughing softly. "You all turning against me?" he tightened his grip on her arm and she swallowed hard, pushing back the tears of pain that threatened to crawl into her eyes now. "You all sitting around in the shadows, whispering, talking, making plans behind my back?" he yelled, looking at Aragorn and Gimli. He shook his head, chuckling again.  
  
"Mister Boromir, please" sounded Sam's voice suddenly, "please........calm down"  
  
Merry and Pippin took another step towards him. They were closer in their friendship to him than any of the others and they looked more worried for him at the moment than afraid or angry.  
  
"No! You stay out of this!" Boromir yelled. "I know what I am saying" said Boromir with a growl and once again looked at Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn took a small step towards them, holding out his hands, "Boromir, I apologize. There must be a misunderstanding" he said, his eyes wandering to Irulan. "Let us talk about it. Let her go and then let us sit down and resolve this" he said softly.  
  
"I'd say it's a little late for that. I can see through you, Aragorn. You and your friends" -he literally spat the last word, looking towards Gimli and a still poised Legolas- "you are trying to get to it. You will take it and USE it!" Then he looked towards Frodo and the hobbit took two steps back, his blue eyes reflecting a fear that one feels when one confronts a madman.  
  
Boromir growled and twisted her arm again and this time it hurt so much, her body reacted on its own. Irulan's elbow shot up and she hit Boromir on the nose. He cried out and his head fell back, and before she knew it, she hit him in the stomach, hard. He instantly let go of her arm and had a very confused look on his face when he bent forward and Irulan's free left arm shot out to grab the back of his tunic, pushing him even more forward and down with such force that he ended up turning and hitting the ground with the back of his head, then his body following and finally lying on his back, holding his stomach. Everything had happened so fast that Aragorn barely reacted and jumped towards them, but when he reached them, Boromir was already lying flat on his back. Aragorn stood and looked down at him. The spell was broken and everybody moved at once. Legolas shook Gimli finally off and sprinted over Boromir's body towards her while the Merry and Pippin knelt down beside Boromir, and Gimli walked up to Aragorn.  
  
"Irulan!" said Legolas and softly reached for her arm. "Let me look"  
  
"I'm alright, Legolas" she said but did not withdraw her arm, not wanting to act harshly towards anybody right now. Especially since she had just used physical force on one of the Fellowship. On her own friend and brother! 'Damn' she thought. 'Damn! Damn! Damn!' Aragorn looked up at her and she looked back, ashamed. He did not look angry, though. 'Yeah well, that doesn't mean he will not do the right thing and send me off.' She jerked up when Legolas finally managed to roll back the fabric of her tunic and reached the flesh underneath it. He gasped and she turned to look. 'That ox almost broke it!' she thought. Her arm was all blue-black where he had gripped it. It looked like the blood flow had stopped severely in some of the tissues and many were seriously damaged. Legolas looked up at her with disbelief. "What?" she said and actually managed a smile, "you don't like it?" His looks took a deadly glaze and he looked down to Boromir, who was now slowly getting to his feet.  
  
Irulan immediately stepped away from Legolas and walked up to the man, knowing only too well what the elf was thinking. She held out her hand to Aragorn who attempted to come along. "Boromir" she said, and her voice came out strained but calm, "are you alright?" A long silence followed. The man did not look at her. He was looking down, massaging his face.  
  
"Did I break anything?" she asked and took another step. She literally felt Legolas tense behind her, but he did not show up by her side, which meant that he probably remained behind. Only after a few moments had passed, Boromir slowly shook his head.  
  
Irulan took another step and stood right in front of him. She slowly placed her hand on his shoulder, expecting a blow or a punch, but Boromir only stiffened and remained as he was. "I am so sorry" she whispered. "Please forgive me, my friend" she said. Everybody was frozen in confusion and silence, not moving a hair. Boromir finally looked up at her and she slowly sighed in relief. It was Boromir again. The man she knew. The man of honor, the man of trust. The man she had a common history with much longer than anyone else on the fellowship. She felt like she had betrayed him. Betrayed her own brother! He quickly looked around, not making eye contact with anyone, and then back down.  
  
"I.......I....." he began but cut off, unable to find his voice. After a silence, he tried again. "I don't know.......what came over me...." his voice broke again, and he resumed massaging his face. She felt him shaking violently under her touch. 'What is becoming of us?' she thought with horror. 'He is better than this. I am better than this. What is going on?'  
  
Irulan slowly squeezed his shoulder, not caring how much that act hurt with her damaged arm. "It's alright" she whispered and slowly put her hand to his face, lifting it up to lock eyes with him. He looked at her with obvious tears in his eyes, the eyes of a shaken and broken man and of a confused child. It's alright my friend" she whispered again. Boromir looked away again and she turned to cast a glance at Aragorn who immediately understood and walked up to the pair.  
  
"Are you feeling better now?" he said to Boromir. Boromir only nodded. Aragorn turned to her then; "Let me take a look at that arm" he said, his eyes flashing with cold fire. Irulan gulped and turned around to walk towards the camp without a single word with Aragorn at her heels. She did not even look back to see how everyone else was doing.  
  
They reached the remaining bags lying underneath the first line of trees and Aragorn cast another glance at the others before he took her arm and began inspecting it. He softly pressed the tender flesh around the wound, which looked and hurt even worse now. "Looks nasty" he said a moment later, looking up at her.  
  
"Aragorn" said Irulan, and stopped to take a deep breath. "I will leave immediately" she said slowly, looking towards the forest. "We don't need to tell the others and cause commotion. I'll just talk to Legolas for a minute if you don't mind". She would not walk out on him again. The others...'It's for their own good' whispered an amused Hetaire in her head. Irulan felt frustration taking hold of her. EVERYTHING she did came out so wrong and distorted. Aragorn let go of her arm but did not move or say anything other than that. She waited a little longer, but then couldn't endure it any more and slowly looked up at him.  
  
"What are you talking about?" he said slowly, his eyes boring into hers.  
  
'So he wants to hear the whole apology' sighed Irulan. And who could blame him now? "Aragorn.......I remember very well that I said I would leave this circle on my own account when a reason presents itself. And to that I stand. As a matter of fact, the longer I stay, the more I understand how foolish it was of me to join this group from the beginning" she swallowed hard. "You all opposed then. You were right, I was wrong, end of story" she whispered.  
  
Aragorn did not speak for a moment. Then he sighed softly and said "And how on earth am I supposed to find my way into Barad-dûr? I am not endowed with neither your........equipment nor...your talents". She looked up at him and he was looking back at her with......amusement?  
  
"Well you'll find a way, I'm sure. I'll probably end up killing everyone before we get there anyway" she said, ever more nervous now.  
  
She felt tears again, this time because of her shame and failure, and fought them back furiously. 'Enough crying!' she thought bitterly. Suddenly Aragorn chuckled lightly. "I swear I'll never understand women!" he mumbled. Irulan looked at him with pure confusion on her face. Aragorn laughed some more and then began softly examining her arm again. "You're not going anywhere, Irulan. Because then I will actually have to follow you. In which case I'm afraid the rest will come along as well. So let us take care of this business before you drag us all around Middle-Earth, alright?"  
  
Irulan's mouth dropped open. She did not even feel the stabbing pain that erupted when Aragorn pressed on the blackened flesh for a moment. "Wh- Why.......why would you follow me?"  
  
"Because we are a fellowship and friends, you wild woman" he said and looked into her eyes, "I am not leaving anyone behind. We are in this together".  
  
"Aragorn" said Irulan, now desperate to make her point, "don't you see? People are constantly fighting or arguing because of me."  
  
"That's their problem, as far as I'm concerned" he said calmly, still inspecting her arm.  
  
"But......"  
  
"No, Irulan. I need you. I trust you. WE need you. We can not do this without you or without each other" he said and suddenly Irulan understood why Arwen was in love with this man, ready to give up everything for him. She herself was ready to give up her life any moment he demanded it. 'I have found my king' she thought, utterly astonished by his strength and charisma.  
  
"But Boromir?" she whispered slowly, unable to look away from this amazing person.  
  
Aragorn sighed softly and looked again towards the rest of the group. Gimli was talking to Boromir now, along with Merry and Pippin. Sam was with Legolas who had not moved from his spot and obviously had not intention of making peace with the man. He was looking to the ground, his lips pursed and his eyebrows furrowed while Sam was talking slowly, trying to establish eye contact with the elf. "Boromir is a problem" Aragorn said finally. "He has been, from the beginning. The captain of Gondor is a good man" he said and he turned to her again, "but he is weak. Like you. Like me" he finished with a whisper. Irulan knew he meant the human race and nodded silently. Aragorn shared her feelings for her kind. He was raised by elves and he trusted them more than he did his fellow men. "His anger is not towards you any more than towards the rest of us. We had an argument with him yesterday after you left........." He hesitated a moment before he added ".......about the Ring."  
  
Irulan held her breath. The Ring! She had almost forgotten that accursed thing in the midst of them. 'Could it be?' she thought and her heart took a leap at the possibility of that evil thing finally and deftly having found its way into their souls. She suddenly remembered what Boromir had said on their way to Lothlorien and gulped. "Aragorn" she said, "you have to be very careful. I'm afraid he is beginning to give in to his temptation". She looked back at Boromir for an instant and then reluctantly continued: "I was aware of his struggle concerning the Ring. But I never...suspected...that he was...losing the battle" she finished with a barely audible whisper, her face a mask of sadness. Aragorn looked at her for a long moment and then nodded softly.  
  
"I want you to be with me on this quest, Irulan. We never had the chance to talk at length. But I want you to know that now I share the respect and admiration that Gandalf felt for you. He told me a lot about you" he said and softly touched her arm, "through the journey. I know now that he was being modest about it. There is much more to you than he was willing to give away". Irulan quickly looked down, because she did not know how else to react to this unbelievable compliment coming from one of the most marvelous people who had ever walked on this earth. "He is the perfect human being" she thought suddenly. "An idol for the rest of the race. I can only dream of becoming something like that".  
  
"Are you alright Irulan?" boomed Gimli's voice next to her. She smiled up at him and Legolas, who gracefully knelt next to her and immediately began to check on her arm.  
  
She opened her mouth to reply, but Aragorn was faster. "Irulan means to leave us my friends" he said, with the voice of a mother telling her husband at the dinner table about all the horrible things their children had done that day.  
  
"What? Are you insane?!" yelped Gimli.  
  
Legolas gasped and looked into her eyes, whispering "Is this true, Irulan?"  
  
"Well........I thought......." she began, but Gimli was furious. "Stop thinking then!" he puffed with distaste.  
  
"Oh be quiet! You men are driving me crazy!" she sighed.  
  
"You can't leave Irulan" said Legolas with a harsh voice.  
  
"Yes, yes.....first time I tried to join, everybody told me I can't come along. Now I want to leave and suddenly everybody tells me I can't walk away. You better make up your minds" she said, barely keeping herself from wincing from the continuously increasing pain emanating from her arm now.  
  
"Well........back then we thought you were a woman" said Gimli. Irulan gasped with horror.  
  
Aragorn chuckled softly. "After having seen that little demonstration" he said, "I must admit that we need a whole new description for you. No woman and very few man I know can do that". He chuckled again and stood up. "Legolas, we need to take care of that wound. Nothing too serious, but it might get painful if we don't increase the blood flow in that region" he said before he walked towards Boromir who was now leaning on his boat, looking towards the river with Merry and Pippin heartily talking to him in excitement. They seemed to be explaining something funny and Boromir had a smile on his face, but his eyes were distant; he was lost in thoughts.  
  
Irulan groaned. 'It can get MORE painful?' she thought, suddenly feeling tired. "Maybe it is time for Irulan to die again" she mumbled. Legolas laughed softly at this comment and looked up at her with a sad smile.  
  
"I don't think we would fall for that one again" said Gimli. "What do you think my friend?" he asked the elf. 'My friend?' thought Irulan with amazement. 'That I would live to hear that! This quest is becoming stranger by the day'.  
  
"I seriously doubt it" Legolas sad softly, his blue eyes never leaving hers, a smile of amusement spreading across his lips. Irulan groaned again and rolled her eyes. 'At least now I know that I have the instincts of a woman' she thought bitterly. 'I knew something ugly was going to happen today'.  
  
  
  
What she didn't know, though, was that her instincts were right, but her guess was very, very wrong - for the day had barely begun. 


	30. Lead, and I Shall Follow

The power of music. I just realized that I might as well add in the music some of these chapters are written to. The latter battle part is definitely Making of a Cyborg from the soundtrack of Ghost in the Shell. Or this whole piece maybe to Gollum's Song on the Two Towers album.  
  
  
  
A weathered skeleton  
  
In windy fields of memory,  
  
Piercing like a knife  
  
  
  
Bashu  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The company moved along the river in silence. Irulan's arm was bandaged with a mixture of herbs that smelled horrible but felt cool against her skin. She had tried very hard not to wince in pain while Legolas was taking care of it, but could not keep herself from doing so a couple of times, anyway. Legolas had flinched slightly each time, apologizing as if it was his doing.  
  
Finally they had been able to set out with their boats once again. Irulan had another short opportunity to talk to Boromir before that. Legolas insisted on remaining by her side during that, not trusting Boromir and not willing to take the risk. But Irulan knew that it was not proper and had given Gimli the task of convincing the elf while she strode off to the captain of Gondor.  
  
Boromir had not talked too much, though. He seemed still very confused and more than nervous about the incident. He looked tired and fragile and oddly lost in other thoughts. She felt like he was somewhere else during the whole conversation, unable to hear her. Nevertheless, Irulan had apologized once more and promised that it would not happen again. She had even attempted to make a joke by saying "You can break my arm the next time if I don't keep my word", but Boromir had only smiled sadly and looked away.  
  
Finally she had sighed and, patting him lightly on his arm, walked towards an anxiously waiting Legolas. 'I can't believe that I just gave that elf another excuse to start acting like a mother hen again!' she had thought bitterly. 'Now he'll NEVER leave my side, and once again I will have to argue and then apologize and then.....oh dear........just let me lie down and die!'  
  
Now sitting on the boat, once again between the dwarf and the elf and gliding softly on the blue waters towards the famous Falls of Rauros in silence, she felt an uneasiness overcoming her. She could not help glancing at Boromir's back, desperately trying to detect his mood. The eerie image of a cracked vase kept coming back to her. She felt like there had been a loud cracking noise this morning and an invisible evil force had fractured the fellowship into parts. The vase was still standing, but would never hold water again. It would probably fall apart and turn into a heap with the slightest nudge.  
  
'Can I trust Boromir again?' she thought and found no answer. She wanted to, but with the Ring still being dangerously close to his reach, nobody could guarantee that this sort of thing would not happen again. Aragorn was right - humans were weak and so far, the humans had brought the only trouble to the fellowship - that is, her and Boromir. No need to include Aragorn in that group. She sighed again and suddenly realized that Aragorn had turned around and was waving at her, pointing upwards.  
  
The statues of the Argonath! It had been long since she had seen these. Her journey to Mordor had brought her to these premises, but even then she had not seen the majestic statues from the river and so up close. The two immensely tall male statues, carved in the likeness of Isildur and Anarion -the sons of Elendil- marked the ancient northern border of Gondor. Anarion had died in the Siege of Barad-dûr while Isildur had succeeded in cutting the ring from Sauron's hand and thereby changed the destiny of Middle Earth. They were standing on both sides of the river, guarding it. Soon the three tiny boats would pass between these looming stone figures. She looked up in utter amazement and could not help a sense of pride filling her. 'Mankind' she thought; the 'Younger Children'. And what a fantastic way to put it. For children they were; with the joy, hate, greed, selfishness, curiosity and boldness of children.  
  
Irulan had often tried to imagine herself as one of the other races or a member of the other cultures she had come across Middle Earth. Some had been very fun to imagine while some had made her shudder. But eventually she had realized a truth: no matter how much she admired elves and appreciated all the other races and cultures for their originality, she was happy to be a human being. She could not imagine being anything else. With all her weaknesses and her advantages, with all her good and bad aspects, Irulan was and would always be a human. She would resent and curse that in the many darker times yet to come, but the truth she had discovered would remain with her till the end of her life.  
  
She smiled back at Aragorn when he turned again to look at her and even Boromir glanced behind and she grinned at him too. As the captain of Gondor, he too felt pride in his ancestors. 'This is Aragorn's kin' she thought then with amazement. 'Who would have thought that I would pass between the monuments of his ancestors with him for a quest as dark and sad as this?'  
  
Not too long afterwards they saw the Falls of Rauros ahead. So finally they had reached Amon Hen. Their journey would continue through Emyn Muil from here on. Aragorn directed the company to the western shore, towards Parth Galen, though. The roaring mighty waterfall was easy to see from here and a cool breeze coming from that direction was slowly washing their faces. All three boats reached the shore and they slowly stepped off the boats, happy to feel solid earth beneath them again.  
  
"We'll camp here at the shore" said Aragorn, "and cross over to the other side once darkness falls. So don't stray far."  
  
She stood at the shore, looking over towards the other side and thought about Emyn Muil. It would be a very difficult trip. Especially with the present company. 'Finally I'll be doing something useful ever since I joined this group' she thought and it made her feel a little better.  
  
"How is your arm, Irulan?" said Aragorn next to her.  
  
She grimaced and waved her hand. "As long as it's not broken, it won't be a problem" she said, not looking at him.  
  
He did not walk away. He seemed to be troubled and tired, glancing to the other shore.  
  
"Don't worry, Aragorn. The trip through Emyn Muil will be child's play compared to what we went through till now" she said, lying smoothly.  
  
Gimli, as usual, had his two cents to add to the matter. "Easy indeed!" he snapped and began to explain the rather true and nasty sides of Emyn Muil to the hobbits, sounding almost desperate himself. Irulan shot him another dark look but he just kept on mumbling and arguing with Aragorn about the passage they had chosen.  
  
Suddenly somebody said "Where is Frodo?" and Irulan could swear that she heard another one of those nasty cracking sounds in her head. That image of the vase once again returned to her and she walked around hastily, looking for Frodo. It was not his way to disappear like this, much less to walk away, but the hobbit had grown restless and strange ever since Lothlorien, and much more reserved since Moria. With all their silly arguments and greed, they had not cared enough for the most important person in this quest - Frodo Baggins the ringbearer! 'Damn!' she cursed again, 'Silly, stupid woman! Think less of yourself for once and more about the quest'.  
  
Suddenly Aragorn grabbed his sword from below the tree where it was lying and began to run into the woods. Everyone stared after him. "What is going on?" said Irulan, both confused and afraid. Legolas did not answer but pointed with his head towards Boromir's bags. Irulan's eyes widened when she realized that Boromir was missing as well. 'Crack!' She heard another fissure and in her mind's eye another fracture ran along the vase. Without looking back she dashed behind Aragorn. She heard the others talking behind her, but her mind was already racing through the horrible possible roads they might be forced to take if thing would end up as she feared they would.  
  
Soon Irulan caught up with him and they began to run side by side. She cast him a fearful sidelong glance and Aragorn looked back at her, his eyes speaking books. He, too, was afraid. They were running blindly, not really looking for tracks or any signs of Frodo, for they had dashed too much ahead for that and would have to trust their eyes and luck now.  
  
Frodo, though, was nowhere to be found. Aragorn stopped suddenly and Irulan mimicked him. He seemed to be listening, but all Irulan could hear was the wild beating of her heart, more due to her fear than the running. She looked around again and turned in circles so many times, she almost forgot the direction of the camp in her confusion.  
  
"Do you hear anything?" he whispered. Irulan tried to listen again. Nothing. She shook her head and unconsciously took off her staff and held it in her hand. Her blood was pumping like wild; she felt the coppery taste of adrenaline in her mouth. And suddenly she realized what Aragorn meant - for he was not listening to hear Frodo, but rather to the odd silence of the forest. It seemed to be too silent all of a sudden. 'Where are all the birds?' she thought, looking up the trees. And that's when she saw the upper part of stone ruins ahead in the distance.  
  
"Aragorn" she whispered and pointed towards it. Maybe Frodo had seen it as well and gone there in curiosity. Maybe none of their fears was true - Frodo was just off sightseeing and Boromir would return anytime with a bunch of sticks for the fire in his arms. The fear did not subside, however. Aragorn nodded silently as if he had sensed her train of thought and they both resumed their running towards the ruins.  
  
Frodo was indeed there. His back was turned to them. They slowly walked towards him, a little surprised that they had found him so quickly. When Aragorn called out to him however, and he turned towards them with fresh tears in his eyes, Irulan knew that they had been too late. Another crack echoed in her head as she stood there looking at a very frightened and desperate Frodo, trying to back away from them as if they were the enemy.  
  
"Stay away from me!" he yelled at them and Irulan literally flinched. She threw a concerned look at Aragorn, but he did not look back. He slowly kept advancing towards the hobbit.  
  
"Where is the Ring, Frodo?" he demanded. But Frodo was too afraid to answer and looked like a wild animal, ready to bolt away. Irulan very deftly followed Aragorn, keeping a comfortable distance, not wanting to scare Frodo even more. Instead, she was looking around, trying to see whether Boromir was around. The man could appear suddenly and try to attack them. She could not be distracted right now.  
  
"I have sworn to protect you!" said Aragorn with anger in his voice now.  
  
"Can you protect me from yourself?!" screamed Frodo back and once more, both humans halted, not knowing how to answer that and how to win back the trust of this hobbit. Frodo slowly opened his hand and Irulan tried very hard not to exhale in relief. She closed her eyes for a moment. 'He still has it! Thank the heavens, he still has the Ring' she thought. By now, she knew that Boromir had tried to take it. Frodo's expression and fear along with his mistrust to them was an open proof. 'Boromir, my brother, what have you done?' she thought ruefully.  
  
"Would YOU destroy it?" asked Frodo with utter sadness as Aragorn proceeded to approach. Irulan remained standing. She looked at the Ring in Frodo's palm. So little indeed. Looking so innocent. And yet, that was no ring. It was Sauron himself. Irulan felt the hair on the back of her neck rising slowly. Aragorn knelt in front of Frodo, looking at the Ring that lay extended to him, right before his eyes. And something very odd happened, for she strangely heard her own name whispered and it felt like a call she could not resist for anything in the world. A part of her remained alert and standing, but another part of her was very slowly and slyly pulled, sucked into a dream. A dream where she owned the Ring and saved Middle Earth. A dream in which she sat on her throne forever, never aging, never failing; reining a world of peace and splendor till the ends of time. Aragorn knelt before her, and Boromir. Gimli and Legolas fell to their knees. Hetaire and Ingmar bowed to her; Eprim, Gabrim and Enaia looked with tears of admiration in their eyes. All looked up to this wisest of all queens, fairest of all rulers. She stopped the elves from leaving. She stopped the dwarves from digging. She stopped men from fighting. Galadhriel was wrong - She preserved Middle Earth exactly as it was right now. "Irulan!" cheered the masses that reached from one horizon to the other as she passed on her horse, "Irulan! Irulan! Irulan!"  
  
Aragorn closed Frodo's fingers over the ring and pushed the hobbit's hand away softly and Irulan woke up, almost panting. She instinctively took a step back and looked around. A fear gripped her heart and desperation. 'How can one resist that?' she thought. Suddenly she wanted to be far away from here. She never wanted to see that thing again. Frodo Baggins became a hero in her eyes instantly.  
  
"I would go into the very fires of Mordor with you" whispered Aragorn. Irulan swallowed hard and looked away, afraid to feel the temptation again.  
  
"I know" said Frodo softly. "Don't tell the others. Especially Sam. He won't understand" he added a moment later. And Irulan knew he meant to leave alone, not wanting to inflict this torture on anyone else in the fellowship and not being able to trust anybody else either. And who could blame him? Yet, she felt her eyes widening and hastily walked up to them.  
  
"Frodo, you can not leave" she whispered, her voice betraying her fear and anxiety.  
  
"I have to Irulan" he whispered and looked up at her with so much sadness, she just felt like grabbing him and hugging him senseless.  
  
"But.......but.....you can't" she resisted, "Let me come with you. You can not find the way on your own" she pleaded. 'Please, see it. See the truth in what I am saying!' she begged mentally. Frodo only smiled and looked away.  
  
"I can guide you Frodo. It'll be just the two of us and we would have a faster pace and a higher chance at arriving unseen" she whispered urgently. Then suddenly she thought about being alone with Frodo in Mordor...that is..Frodo and the RING....and her heart faltered. 'Can you protect me from yourself?' sounded Frodo's voice in her head once more and Irulan realized with frustration that she lacked the strength and faith to answer that question.  
  
"You once told me that we all walk our own paths" Frodo said suddenly, his voice dreamy and distant. Irulan was so surprised, she did not know what to say. "That sometimes we grew so fond of others, we did not wish to let go" he added and turned to look at her. "You were right, Irulan. It is time to let go before something makes that decision FOR us" he whispered.  
  
Irulan felt her feelings draining away from her. She wanted to protest, she wanted to say that this was not what she had meant, that she was talking about Gandalf and she had not been making sense in the first place........but in her heart, she knew that Frodo was right - even though for all the wrong reasons. 'So this is goodbye' she thought.  
  
She slowly crossed the remaining distance between them then and, kneeling next to Aragorn, kissed Frodo's forehead. "Then you are stronger than all of us, Frodo Baggins. Go in peace and don't look back" she said slowly; the sadness of this sudden parting growing in her with every word.  
  
Suddenly Aragorn stood up hastily and looked around, then glanced back at Frodo once again. "Go Frodo!" he said and Irulan realized that Frodo's infamous sword Sting had began to glow blue - an indication that orcs were near. "Go!" Aragorn yelled again and walked away, drawing his sword. Irulan too sprang to her feet and casting one last look at a departing Frodo, ran up to join Aragorn. A large number of orcs were walking up to them. 'No, not orcs' her mind whispered, and tried to remember the word Gandalf had used for these beasts, "Uruk-hai" she whispered. Aragorn looked at her and she looked back, unconsciously extending her staff. "Lead, king of kings" she said, her voice distant and metallic to her own ears, for the calmness was enveloping her very fast now, "and I shall follow". And with that, the void took her and Irulan vanished in the cold, senseless, thoughtless waters of time.  
  
***  
  
Once again, the world became a mass of "thing"s - objects that had not meaning or value attached to them. She became the wind bending the grass, the water melting the rocks, the sunlight cracking the mud. She was a natural force shaping and forging other natural forces and all of them together were just tiny mingling, merging and diverging flows in a cold universe, being bent and forged by other and greater forces. Her anxiety, her fears, her sorrow, her love meant nothing here. She was a simple means to an end, a creature designed for a specific purpose, and that purpose was hidden from her, never to be revealed. And that was exactly how it should be - for she did not care what it was.  
  
Irulan shifted, and shifted back; shifted in and shifted out; shifted again and yet again. The world stopped and sped up, then stopped and sped up. It became real, then faded into a dream; it became now, then folded into a timeless heap. The Uruk-hai died, the Uruk-hai ceased to exist. The Uruk- hai charged, the Uruk-hai were no more. There was a battle and suddenly her mind lost the meaning of "battle", yet to remember it again a moment (A day? A century?) later. She felt herself crammed into the body of a woman, then expanded over a whole universe, then hastily crammed back again.  
  
More than anything, it felt like dancing. And Irulan danced to the rhythm of ancient, long forgotten songs. Songs of the soul; songs that knew no race, culture or gender. She had danced it countless times before, always bound to forget the steps once the music stops, and destined to remember each and single one once the tune started again.  
  
Then, sometime along the battle dance, something very odd happened. For she FELT. And never before had she felt anything in this state. And her body and her mind parted like two bubbles of air in water, slowly drifting apart. Her body continued to dance to obey the cravings of the rhythm while her mind began to wake up, as if waking up from a dream. She knew she felt something, but she could yet not analyze what she felt. She knew that she was perceiving something, but her perception was beyond her. While her body did not miss a single step, her mind twisted, turned, folded over and over again. She felt it stirring and stretching, struggling to grasp, but sliding, unable to find anything to hold on to. She felt something pressing down on it, bending it, bending it to the point it could not exist anymore, and yet bending it some more. And although this should be painful, she was spared from the pain in the void and felt nothing. A buzz of confusion erupted in her, like the distant sound of a flock of birds taking flight. And then this feeling too slowly subsided, faded and finally left her.  
  
An odd twilight set in and the world flickered, rose, flickered, fell back, flickered, tried to rise again and finally flickered and stopped completely. Her body, as well as her mind stopped, for suddenly there was nothing to react to anymore. She did not look up to see it; she KNEW it to be so. There was utter silence. The navy sky was oddly pasted on the alluring yellow dried grass of the meadow and the wicked green of the trees around. It looked more like a painting or a stitching than a real scenery. Irulan very slowly raised her head and looked up and she saw a woman standing before her, a small distance away, slowly raising her head and looking up. Her dark long hair was caught floating very softly in a breeze that was no more, strands of it frozen around her like a dark halo. Her face and all her clothes were covered in blood and she could see every drop and every shade of it. She could see the pores of the rough material of her tunic and every stain and crease on it. She was standing with her feet apart, her right arm swung slightly towards the back, the staff in her left hand lowered horizontally to the ground. Irulan looked into the eyes of the woman, darker than the darkest night, slowly rising to meet hers. She looked for a long time, neither thinking, nor feeling; and the other woman looked back, neither moving nor blinking. She felt the muscles of her mouth ever so slightly twitch and she saw the other woman smile the ghost of a smile. Her mind was still bending, bending, bending and she felt like it would break any moment now, and yet it did not break and bent further. And in a fraction of time that was shorter than the blink of an eye, and yet long enough to encapsulate centuries, she recognized what she was feeling: it was what men call hate - and yet no man had felt such raw, sharp, cold hate. Both Irulans gasped at the same instant and the world collapsed. 


	31. I Am Fading From Mind and Heart

My lovely reviewers! It is always good to hear both the kind compliments and the questions regarding the story. It gives me a very good idea as to how much I write is coming across the way I want it to. I realized that the last part regarding the setting in Fever was confusing for some. This, I'm afraid is mainly due to the fact that the story is in chapters and that explanations regarding such a situation can only be introduced in later chapters. So here is some help about that:  
  
Irulan survived this Fever. Or rather, she stood at the threshold of it, but did not take the last step that would begin an irreversible process - which, in my opinion, would be to give in to that hate and fight the vision of herself. Her mind bent, but it did not break - a few more Uruk-hais and she probably would have, actually. She stood at the edge and peered down, though. She now knows what madness is. There will be further detail about Fever in the upcoming chapters. And if she barely survived this one, we all know when she will be MOST CERTAINLY in trouble, don't we?  
  
This chapter was written to "All Love Can Be" by Charlotte Church from the Original Soundtrack of A Beautiful Mind. Lovely piece, check it out some time.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The first thing that Irulan felt was the pain in her arm, accompanied with another pain in her head. She had no idea if she was standing, sitting or lying, for her eyes were closed and she could not locate her body with the other senses. She decided to wait. Slowly warmth enveloped her and the feeling of suspension settled. She felt something rough underneath her right hand and her right knee and decided to open her eyes. The world was dark first, but soon lightened up and became an afternoon. Her head was bent down and she was looking towards the ground. The rough material was dried grass, gently biting into her right palm. She seemed to be awkwardly kneeling on her right knee and supported by her right arm that was resting on the ground. Her left arm was to her side, holding the staff. She could see her hair flowing down, touching the ground. Very slowly she raised her right hand and guided it towards her chest. A small sigh of relief escaped her lips when she found the familiar feeling of the metal medallion there.  
  
Irulan slowly raised her head and looked around. She saw oddly shaped bodies around her and a moment later, remembered them to be Uruk-hai. They were lying around her, sprawled and hacked to pieces. She then realized that she was still in command of her body and decided to move. Very slowly she began to stand upright and after than, balanced herself with her legs slightly apart, leaning on her staff. She turned around and realized that she was in a clearing which was covered with countless bodies. There was nobody else.  
  
Bits and pieces of images floated back to her and her mind tried to put them in a chronological order. She remembered the boats approaching the shore, then Frodo missing and Boromir gone, then Aragorn and her running, then some ruins, Frodo leaving and finally the Uruk-hai. She turned around again but had no sense of direction. The world seemed to be deserted. She began to walk, looking around her, looking for anyone from the Fellowship. It was so deserted that for a moment she felt like they had left her behind and were long gone - like centuries had passed since their leaving.  
  
"Irulan!" shouted Legolas and she turned sideways to see him running up to her. Gimli was running behind him. They both slowed down and stopped at a distance though, their eyes widening and sweeping across the dead Uruk- hais, darting from right to left and finally falling back to her in the middle of it, and Irulan saw an uneasiness in their faces that had not been there before. 'They think you might have gone insane,' whispered a voice in her mind and for some reason that sounded very funny. 'Have you?' it whispered again and for some other odd reason, that sounded even funnier. 'Little, silly, mad Irulan,' it whispered and faded. Yet Irulan did not laugh. The pain in her head felt horrible now. She slowly raised her hand to massage her face. When she took it back, it was covered in warm blood and Irulan realized that her nose was bleeding. She slowly retracted her staff, the dull throbbing making it difficult for her to think.  
  
Irulan began to walk towards them slowly and heard her own hoarse voice calling: "Where is Aragorn? Boromir? Where are the others?" Once again she massaged her forehead. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder and she stopped short of running into Legolas. He stood right in front of her, looking down at her and honestly, he looked like the insane one. His face was a perfect expression of concern and worry and at such a degree, that it looked odd on an elf. "Irulan," he whispered and he reached out with his left hand and placing his palm on her cheek, very slowly wiped away the blood on her upper lip with his thumb, his eyes boring into hers. Irulan tried to look back, but her headache made it difficult. Instead she brought her hand back up again and closing her eyes, repeated her question, this time softer "Legolas......where is everyone?"  
  
A moment of silence followed during which Legolas debated with himself whether he should tell her or not tell her and make sure she was okay first. He saw her nose bleeding which scared him more than anything, but the fact that she was covered with blood was also disquieting, since it meant that she might yet have fatal wounds he could not see. "We heard the Horn of Gondor," he said finally, knowing it was the better solution for now, "Aragorn ran ahead towards the shore."  
  
"The Horn of Gondor?" said Irulan baffled. And then she added "Boromir," with a whisper. She grabbed the elf's arm, "Legolas, in which direction is the shore?" Legolas pursed his lips and waited another moment before he pointed towards their left, "That way," he said softly, his eyes never leaving her face. She wiped the blood from her nose with the back of her arm and said "Let's go then," and began to run slowly. Legolas was keeping perfect pace with her and Gimli joined them a few steps later.  
  
"Irulan you are bleeding," said Legolas very softly, unable to keep from saying it and yet unsure of her reaction at this moment.  
  
"You don't say!" she replied with a tinge of sarcasm and ran faster.  
  
***  
  
She did not know what exactly to expect and she did not want to think about it too much either. That accursed image of a fractured vase, still standing, came back to her and Irulan felt something dark gripping her heart. The throbbing in her head was unbearable and she felt like the whole world is pulsing along with the blood in her skull. 'Little running Irulan,' whispered the voice again, 'Run Irulan, run! Run AWAY if you have sense.' She ruthlessly cut it off.  
  
She felt her sense of time returning very slowly. The eerie feeling that she had fallen asleep and awoken centuries later slowly left her and the present came back to her with every step. Only a little time had passed since she had last seen Frodo, Aragorn and the rest of the company - not years. It had been merely minutes she had fought up there - not days. 'I am alright,' she said silently, trying to sound doubtless. 'I am fine. It is over now.'  
  
They only had to follow the dead Uruk-hais lying around to reach Aragorn and shortly afterwards stumbled upon him. Irulan saw him ahead, kneeling by a tree and slowed down. He seemed to be bent over something, his back to them, surrounded by dead bodies. No....not something....somebody. She unconsciously swallowed and her mind went blank. She halted suddenly, the rest of the company stopping as well. The figure on the ground was whispering, but in the unbelievable silence she heard the words: "My brother..my captain....my king."  
  
"Boromir," she whispered and could not move for a moment. Gimli remained further back, leaning on his axe, his head bent in sorrow. Legolas too, stood at a comfortable distance, his face a mask of sorrow and confusion, mixed with disbelief. "Boromir," she whispered again and moved ahead again, to join the two men. Three thick black arrows were sticking out of his chest. The blood in his face had drained and he looked so pale. His white skin was a deep contrast to the trace of blood trickling down his mouth. She knelt by him and looked up at Aragorn who looked back with tears in his eyes.  
  
Boromir clasped her hand then and she looked down to meet his eyes. "Irulan," he stammered, his eyes already glazing. She grasped his hand softly and smiled down to him. "Yes, I'm here," she whispered back.  
  
"I.." he began and she softly touched his chest, not wishing him to continue to torture himself, but he slightly shook his head and tried again. "I..am so..sorry," he said. Irulan felt herself slipping away, but stubbornly forced herself to remain here, in this moment. "Why?" she said softly, her hand moving up to his face, softly stroking his cheek.  
  
He smiled back at her and then another wave of pain hit him, distorting his face and Irulan winced as if the arrow was in her own heart. She felt her nose bleeding warmly again and wiped it away again with the back of her arm, her eyes not leaving his. "Because," he coughed finally, looking at her again, "because...I did not...tell you...before." Irulan had no idea what he was talking about and did not care either. She swallowed hard but was not aware that it did not help to prevent the tears that were unconsciously sliding down her cheeks now.  
  
When Gandalf fell in Moria, she had believed that there could never be a greater pain and loss for her. It had been so unexpected and so swift. Thousands of things had echoed in her head that she wished she had told him before. She had wished for one last moment of farewell at least and often dreamt about being granted that moment on the bridge of Khazad-dûm, which she used to embrace Gandalf one last time. But now, sitting here with Boromir's life slowly draining from him, she understood that although she had not known it back then, the Heavens had spared her a much greater pain in the death of Gandalf. For now she had a chance to say farewell, but it was so much more agonizing to watch a man die, unable to do a single thing, that she could not bring herself to say a single word.  
  
"I always loved you Irulan," uttered Boromir in one swift outburst finally. "....should have....told...you," he added wheezing. Irulan stopped caressing him then. "I always knew Boromir," she said and bent down to place a kiss on his cheek. His skin felt so cold and inanimate. "I love you too," she whispered softly to his ear, desperate to grant him one last wish. She slowly drew back, realizing that she had left a trace of her own blood on his face and that Boromir never heard her last sentence after all. For the son of Gondor was gone. Irulan closed her eyes and sat back, sighing softly. Both her tears and her blood were flowing out from her, but she felt neither.  
  
Aragorn slowly bent over and kissed Boromir's forehead. He sat back again, squeezed her shoulder and then softly grasping her arm, stood up, pulling her up with him. They looked at one another again, both blind to the other's terrible sight and momentary weakness. Aragorn looked down at Boromir and said "Farewell, son of Gondor," and Irulan repeated the same sentence silently in her mind. She then walked away, freeing her arm, not really looking where she was going. She leaned on the bark of a tree and slowly allowed her body to slide down until she sat on the soft earth, her hands covering her face, her mind trying to think desperately through the pain of the headache.  
  
Irulan sat like that for a long time, as the world began to move around her again. She could hear the mourning of the three men and afterwards heard them carrying Boromir away, towards the sound of the river. But Irulan felt too weak to get up and help them. 'I'll just sit here until this whole thing makes sense again,' she thought and continued massaging her forehead. 'Maybe I'll lie down a little and sleep. And everything might be much better once I wake up,' she added. Another long time passed, and the pain seemed to subside ever so slowly. She felt other pains slowly speaking up. Her right arm was definitely complaining very loudly now and her left ankle was begging for attention as well. She felt the bitter feeling of a shallow cut on her right side and she knew that she would begin to feel the pain growing once the dulling effects of Shifting left her body completely. At least her nose had stopped bleeding.  
  
"Irulan," said Legolas from nearby, so slowly that she barely heard it. Irulan looked up then, and he was crouching on one knee across her at a comfortable distance. Legolas was resisting the unbearable temptation of moving closer and touching her, which had become an irresistible pull ever since she had embraced him the day before. But he remained waiting because he did not want to invade her space if she felt like remaining alone. He was also afraid of startling her and the woman never seemed to hear him approach.  
  
But when Irulan heard him and looked up, he decided -disturbing or not- he would move closer because he just could not take it any longer. Irulan was sitting with her back to a tree, her legs drawn up and her elbows resting on her knees. He slowly came over and crouched next to her, softly holding her arm. Legolas looked into her eyes, not knowing what it was he was looking for, but found comfort in what he saw (or in what he did not see). She looked tired and astonishingly calmer than he expected her to be. After having seen her reaction to Gandalf, he had been quite anxious as to what she might do, but thankfully she surprised him now by not running off at least.  
  
He scooted closer until they sat next to each other, their bodies touching, the warmth emanating from each merging and flowing from one to the other. Legolas slowly embraced her shoulders with one arm while he placed his other hand on her cheek and lifted her face up. "I was so afraid," he whispered and softly kissed her forehead. A part of Irulan felt very uncomfortable and insisted that Irulan should push Legolas away and walk off. That feisty Irulan was more than disturbed by the idea that the damn elf felt comfortable enough with her to kiss her now. But another part of Irulan which had been dormant for a very long time had finally woken up. She gracefully took the Ruling Scepter in her hand and kicked the former one out of sight. Irulan gave in to her and felt herself leaning towards Legolas and the tension in her body flowing out of her like blood flowing from a wound. She closed her eyes and let him embrace her stronger, place another kiss on her hair and put his cheek on her head, sighing with relief.  
  
'I should probably get up,' she thought. 'I should get up, push myself off and go to wherever the rest of them are.' But her weakness became a whirlpool that sucked her in, stronger and stronger as she drifted closer to it. She had not felt this tired in her entire life. As a matter of fact, she felt like she could sleep for a whole week. That would help to make everything more bearable. It would dull the pain of Boromir, it would make Frodo's leaving easier....how would the company look like without those two now? 'Why, Sam will be furious and heart-broken. And the...wait a minute...where is Sam?' she thought suddenly and lifted her head. Legolas slightly pulled back to look down at her.  
  
"Legolas.." she said softly, "where are the hobbits?"  
  
When she saw the sad look on his face, she almost did push him off. She hastily scrambled to her feet and another wave of pain, this time much more intense, hit her head.  
  
"Careful Irulan," said Legolas, trying to understand what the matter was, "what is it? Does your head hurt?"  
  
"Where are the hobbits?" she said again, her voice rising against her best wishes.  
  
Legolas looked away for a moment and then back at her. "Sam and Frodo have left for the other shore," he said. Irulan was confused for a moment but then she relaxed. "So Sam has joined him anyway," she mumbled, smiling now. Those two would probably go to their very graves together! And a good thing too, for even though Frodo might be an extraordinary hobbit, she had serious doubts about him fulfilling this journey alone.  
  
"And the others?" she asked a little merrier now.  
  
"The Uruk-hai took them," said Legolas very slowly, carefully looking into her eyes.  
  
His words hit her like a slap in the face. "The Uruk-hai?" she whispered, her eyes widening and her lungs unable to breathe suddenly. "They're..they're...dead?" she said and the last word came out so soft that even Legolas' elven ears had a hard time picking it up.  
  
"No," he said, softly touching her arm, "no...they were not killed, only taken." Irulan looked down in relief. So there was still hope. A part of her just wanted to laugh out at that remark.  
  
A silence passed between them. Legolas felt so torn, he had no clue as to what to do. He felt like grabbing Irulan and shaking her until she relented to him, promising that she would never ever Shift again - or even fight again. He wanted to tell her how his concern for her was driving him insane, breaking his concentration, threatening his mind and spirit. He wanted to make her understand that he had begun to feel more worried for her than this whole quest, more than Middle Earth itself. She had to understand how the thought of losing her was like a spell, taking hold of him every passing day, denying him food and sleep. She should know how in his dreams he was always strolling restless in a foreign, hostile wilderness, because he had lost his inner peace. He wanted to tell her so much how the world seemed diminished and insignificant when she looked at him. How he was ready to offer his soul the instant she touched him. How he would carelessly throw away all eternity to share one day with her, if he but only had the choice.  
  
Legolas looked away and swallowed it all down. Irulan...the perfect beast roaming the forest, carefree and bold. Unaware of her own beauty and might; unaware of all admiring eyes. Free of the need of anything anyone could offer. Galloping by, not thinking how the sight of her had changed the heart of many; how the smell of her had driven countless insane; how the thought of her has ruined so many souls; how the wish to glimpse her one more time has become one common agony. Irulan: a blessing, a curse. The sum of all reasons, the question to all answers. Legolas sighed in despair. 'How can I endure this pain?' he thought in utter desperation. 'How can I live through this and not falter? Who will have mercy on my soul?'  
  
Irulan, though, neither saw nor felt any of this. She was in her own little world, fighting her own inner battle. Finally she looked up to him and said "Let us join the others, then," slowly. She looked so tired, so exhausted. She turned away and walked towards the shore. Legolas followed her a moment later. Both did not talk again. They arrived there in time to see Aragorn putting on Boromir's leather armbands. Boromir was placed into one of the boats and looked more peaceful than he had looked for a long time now. He was holding his sword, in the fashion the kings of Gondor did before the funeral. They all participated in pushing the boat into the water. The current did the rest.  
  
Irulan watched another part of her past drifting away from her. 'First Gandalf, now Boromir,' she thought bitterly. 'Everyone I know, everyone I value is taken from me. Everyone who remembers and values me is leaving me.' The thought startled her suddenly. 'Soon there will be no one left who knows my true heart. I am fading slowly from mind and heart. These men died for something greater. They died in valor and honor. I am dying this very moment, my being floating away with these so few who really know me. I will become a ghost..I will diminish and be forgotten...as if I never existed.' She felt another warm trickle of blood flowing down her nose again.  
  
"Frodo and Sam have reached the eastern shore," said Legolas suddenly and began to push another boat into the water. Irulan and Aragorn looked at each other, then at the two hobbits, who had begun to disappear in the forest.  
  
Legolas halted and looked from one to the other. "You mean not to follow them," he said, and it sounded more like an insight than a question.  
  
"Frodo's destiny is not in our hands any longer," Aragorn said. Irulan slowly walked up to him with the rest of them.  
  
"Then it has all been in vain," said Gimli. "The Fellowship has failed."  
  
"Not if we hold true to each other," said Aragorn and lay a hand on both Legolas' and Gimli's shoulder. Both Irulan and the other two looked up at him in admiration. "We will not abandon Merry and Pippin to torment and death," he said, looking each in the eye. "Not while we have strength left."  
  
"Leave all that can be spared behind. We travel light. Let's hunt some orc," he said and a surge of hope flowed into Irulan. 'Maybe I will get my chance at honor after all,' she thought suddenly and wiped away the blood from her nose again. They swiftly ran into the forest and disappeared in the thick foliage.  
  
Irulan would later look back at that moment and realize that the vase had indeed turned into a heap of shards, but that it had revealed another and yet untouched vase that had been waiting in that old vessel. Though no one in the world was even slightly aware of it and they themselves did not suspect it, a new Fellowship was formed that day on the shore of Parth Galen under the shadow of loss and desperation, between a man, a woman, a dwarf and an elf - each battling their inner wars and at the same time united to battle another war so save the nameless masses, and each bonded to one another in a unique and unbreakable fashion. Unknown to the rest of the world, a day had set but a new dawn was silently breaking at the shore of Anduin. And it would change the fate of Middle Earth.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
In the midst of this world  
  
We stroll along the roof of hell  
  
Gawking at flowers  
  
  
  
Issa 


	32. Rest Now, Sister

My beloved reviewers! Yet another chapter. Both your immense support as well as your threats keep me going. I understand that some of you thought I would end the story with the breaking of the Fellowship. Hmmmm...now that I think of it..does not sound too bad. It would leave a lot to the imagination! But....there is too much good stuff in the Two Towers.  
  
My only concern: We have ETERNITY till the Return of the King! And I had plans for including Irulan in the events of that movie as well. Alas, I have no clue as to what to do! The only option would be to cut off once we get to that point and wait for the movie to come out. And hopefully I'm not the only one who thinks this is a terrible option.  
  
Once again, thank you for MY reviewers (yes, some of you have been writing so frequently, you are MINE now) and also the surprisingly many who have read the story just recently for the first time and intend to do so further! And thank you for the helpful links (sunnygirl) and the grammar hints (Amsey-thank you so much! I knew something there did not ring right!).  
  
As to the pace...I wish I could keep up, but as Irulan's interaction with the other characters increases, the writing becomes more torturous. We have brought her so far and we sure don't want her to be wasted now, do we? I am slowing down drastically and I am desperately trying to prevent that from reflecting on the updates. But I fear soon enough it will. So..bear with me, alright?  
  
Note to the Story: No matter what Tolkien says about their heroic nature, I have serious doubts that Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli ran three straight days without rest or sleep. The same goes for the Uruk-hais. Besides, in the movie they were tired and wasted when they camped by Fangorn forest. Which means they DO get tired. So I took the freedom of making the party slow down and occasionally rest during those days.  
  
Also, yes, it's true, the ash from wood was and is still used as a very strong detergent. I even made some research on the issue and discovered that you have to burn wood and you have to collect the white ash from it. It is said to be more powerful than soap and most other detergents. A good tip for those who camp occasionally.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ouch! That's enough! You're going to kill me!" she protested.  
  
"Suits you right for not telling us that you were wounded!" boomed Gimli, who was standing behind Aragorn. Aragorn was kneeling by her side, fastening the bandages for her ankle. He tied one more knot and Irulan gritted her teeth.  
  
"It is all swollen. You can not run any further," Aragorn murmured, "At least not for today."  
  
"Then you will leave me behind and go," she said, trying to sit up properly again.  
  
"Nonsense. Leave you out here alone? You must have hit your head during the fight, woman!" protested Gimli again. More and more he seemed to be the merciless critic, standing aside and objecting to everything. "How very Chemarit-like!" she thought bitterly. 'Soon enough I will be able to classify the men in my life into as few as three classes: the annoying, the more annoying and the most annoying.'  
  
"We can not allow them to put a greater distance between us. They have Merry and Pippin!" sighed Irulan with frustration  
  
"I told you I will leave none behind," said Aragorn, his voice slightly betraying the impatience he felt about having repeated this statement too many times today, "They obviously have not killed the hobbits yet, which means that Merry and Pippin are safe - at least until they reach their destination. There is nowhere a group of Uruk-hais could be going closer than a two days distance."  
  
"Yes, yes," said Irulan again and once more waved the argument away, "I know already! But I don't think gaining on them once they have reached their destination is a very bright idea. We have to catch them BEFORE they get there and........."  
  
"Irulan, my decision is final. We will rest today. We are all too tired to continue with this pace anyway," Aragorn said and stood up to leave.  
  
Irulan pursed her lips and looked after him. 'Stubborn men!' she protested silently. Just at that moment Legolas returned to the camp. "They are slowing down," he announced, "they must be tired themselves."  
  
"Aragorn........they might camp soon. A few more hours and we can catch them," she tried again but Aragorn turned to give her one of his icy stares.  
  
"I thought you were going to the nearby stream to wash yourself," he said with a cold voice. Irulan slowly stood up and tried her ankle. It really felt awful, but she had had worse ankle problems in the past. It would probably swell for a day but the pain would be gone by tomorrow.  
  
"Fine. I'm going to clean myself and wash my outer tunics. If something happens, you know where to find me," she said.  
  
"Irulan......" said Gimli suddenly, "I was wondering.......if it's not too much trouble...could you possibly......well....."  
  
"Say it already Gimli! I can hardly balance myself on one foot all night!"  
  
"My shirt smells pretty bad, too," he said finally.  
  
Irulan's eyebrows shut up. "And.........?" she said very slowly.  
  
"I don't know how to get off the stains of that thing! I never did it before!"  
  
"You actually want me to wash your clothes?!" gasped Irulan. "Why you......you........."  
  
"Alright, alright! Feisty woman! Whatever happened to helping each other out?! Believe me I would do it myself if I knew how!" he mumbled and stomped towards the fire.  
  
"Give it to me now or forget about it, you dwarf!" Irulan yelled behind him a moment later.  
  
Gimli slowly turned to her with the expression of a little child. "You are an angel Irulan! Right away! Let me take of this vest," he said and began to unfasten his protective vest. Irulan rolled her eyes. 'I SHOULD have stayed in disguise' she thought again, but she felt no real anger. Gimli was right - this was helping each other out, not a matter of gender. These men had done so much more for her, she was not about to protest about something as insignificant as this.  
  
She was still waiting for Gimli when she realized that Legolas and Aragorn were standing by the fire and staring at her. When their eyes met with hers, both swiftly looked away. Irulan bit her lower lip to keep from laughing out loud and cleared her throat a moment later. "Well?" she said barely keeping the amusement from her voice. Aragorn scratched his head and Legolas fidgeted with the hem of his tunic.  
  
"Give it over already!" she almost yelled. "I'd rather wash your shirts than run around with you, smelling the stink of it!"  
  
Both men hastily began to undress.  
  
***  
  
Irulan slowly and carefully walked up to the stream. It was dark after all and the boulders were slippery. No need to fall on your face and add another one to your injuries. Once she reached the water she began to walk a little further upstream to find a better and more secluded spot. Then she put the shirts on her arm carefully on the grass, for the one on the top had a pile of ash on it and she did not want to it scatter it in the dark. Ash was the only way to get the dirt and the stains off - not to mention that it was the only thing to come around in a place like this. Irulan undressed carefully, not wanting to hurt her arm or her ankle any more. She slowly checked on the cut on her side. It was already healing. She sighed and began the difficult process of washing clothes with ice cold water in the dark.  
  
***  
  
"How close do you think she got this time?"  
  
"I don't know Aragorn. But she seemed VERY close. I have never seen her like that before," whispered Legolas back.  
  
They were sitting in a small circle facing the fire with their trousers and the protective Elven cloaks draped around their naked torsos. Gimli had no elven cloak but he was wearing his vest and cape. They had built the fire among a circle of rather large boulders to prevent it to be seen from a far distance. The region was covered with deep valleys and steep, rocky hills anyway and the party ahead of them would not detect their presence in this terrain.  
  
"It did not look good, my friend," the dwarf added, "not good at all. For a moment I thought........well I thought........." he said, and decided not to finish the sentence.  
  
"She asked me in which direction the shore was. And her nose was bleeding.." said Legolas in frustration. "There were so many bodies there," he added with a low voice, "so MANY...in such a SHORT time!"  
  
Aragorn was silent for a while. He was stirring the fire with a stick in his hand, lost in thought. Finally he looked from dwarf to elf and then back. "I don't know what do to," he said. Elf and dwarf exchanged irritated glances. They were hoping Aragorn to make a decision or to come to an answer for them.  
  
"We can not let her fight," hissed Legolas. One more fight like this and she will lose her san-......" he stopped for a moment and then finished hastily ".....her control."  
  
"And how to you propose to convince her not to fight, Legolas?" whispered Aragorn back slowly.  
  
Legolas just looked at him and then, sighing, looked away. He knew as well as the others that nothing could keep Irulan from fighting for this cause. He also knew something even more dreadful: that they NEEDED her to fight. The enemy was too strong. Even more so now that they had parted and that Boromir and Gandalf were not with them any longer. There was no way they could handle another attack like that without Irulan. Yet, the idea of her being in danger burned in him like an imperishable flame. The three men remained silent for a long time, each desperately trying to think of a solution, and each knowing only too well that there was none.  
  
Finally Gimli sighed. "Gandalf would know. If only he were here," he said gloomily.  
  
"But he is not," said Aragorn dreamily. "And I'm afraid we all know what his answer to this situation would be." He looked up at the other two. Another silence set in. "You know what he told us on the mountain," Aragorn added very slowly, looking them in the eye.  
  
"We can not kill her," said Legolas and his voice was a cold blade, his eyes daggers.  
  
"Do you think I want to?!" Aragorn protested instantly, angry himself. Legolas did not answer but turned away, looking into the dark, trying to hide his fury. "Would you rather want her to end up dying in guilt and shame? Dying with the taint of having killed innocent, of having killed her OWN, Legolas?" Aragorn added bitterly and immediately stopped. 'I can't believe I just proposed that' he thought suddenly.  
  
"We can NOT kill her," hissed Legolas again; "I will not allow it!"  
  
"Then I assume you are planning to approach a Shifting Darma Druid, bind her hands and carry her away?" the man asked, anger still prevailing in his voice.  
  
Legolas opened his mouth to reply and sure enough it was not going to be a very nice one when Gimli interfered: "Enough!" He looked from one to the other. Each stared back for a moment, then slowly turned away. Aragorn resumed stirring the fire and Legolas continued looking into the darkness.  
  
"Maybe we should ask HER," said Gimli very slowly. Both men looked at him with astonishment and then at each other.  
  
"Ask HER?" said Aragorn. "Ask her exactly what? Whether we should kill her or not when the need arises?"  
  
"I can tell you easily enough what her answer to that will be," whispered Legolas bitterly.  
  
"Irulan is a warrior. She deserves respect in a matter concerning her own end," said Gimli matter-of-factly. "Why, if she was a dwarven woman, not asking her would be the worst insult," he added a moment later. Elf and man continued to look at him with disbelief. Gimli shifted uncomfortably, then cleared his throat and looked defiantly back. "Besides......." he added a moment later, "asking is one thing, doing what she wants us to is another."  
  
Aragorn and Legolas both looked at each other again and a relief, followed very slowly with a sly smirk washed over their features. "True," said Aragorn, almost grinning now.  
  
"Also, she might feel relieved thinking we will heed her advice," added Legolas, smiling.  
  
"And she might actually like us better for the asking," said Gimli.  
  
"Cunning, Master Gimli," said Aragorn, his eyes twinkling.  
  
"I have to admit, the fiercest elven warrior would not have come up with that idea," said Legolas with bemused admiration.  
  
"Neither would have a dwarf, my friend!" boomed Gimli with pleasure. "I have perfected my lethal combat strategies by observing women! Alas, good thing they are not the enemy! I fear Sauron less than a cunning woman," he said, laughing now. Both men joined him, shaking their heads.  
  
***  
  
"Alright you lot! Move aside!" Irulan shouted as she approached them. They hastily prepared an empty spot for her. She lay the shirts on the boulders closest to the fire to dry and joined them, then sat down between Aragorn and Legolas facing the fire, with her own Elvish cloak draped around her armless shirt, and tried to stop shaking.  
  
"I can't believe you washed yourself with that ice cold water - not to mention while the weather is as cold as right now!" said Aragorn, baffled.  
  
"Well...I can't believe YOU didn't," replied Irulan. "You sure need to."  
  
"I intend to live, thank you."  
  
"And kill us with your stink, yeah, I noticed," she said, not missing a beat.  
  
Aragorn laughed out loud and shook his head.  
  
"I wonder how Legolas stands the filth of humans when even I am having a difficult time myself," said Irulan, grinning.  
  
"It is not easy, I can tell you that," said the elf, sighing with sincere frustration and looking into the fire. They all stared at him for a moment with wide eyes and then thundered with laughter. Legolas looked startled for a moment, having drifted off in his own thoughts, but then joined them with his melodious voice.  
  
"Why, that elf just insulted us, Aragorn!" said Irulan when she found her voice again.  
  
"I'm too tired to take him out right now," the man said, waving his hand.  
  
"At least that would have been a swift and valiant death!" smirked Legolas.  
  
They all laughed again. Then another silence settled in. Irulan shifted uncomfortably in her cloak and inched closer to the fire. It was indeed very cold..especially without the protective tunics.  
  
"I can't believe we brought nothing to eat with us!" protested Gimli with frustration. All that elvish bread that Lady Galadriel so kindly gave us...is rotting somewhere by the river now!"  
  
"Well if the sprinting Ranger here had not dashed ahead like that," said Irulan, casting a sidelong look at Aragorn, "we would certainly be better off right now in many other ways as well."  
  
Aragorn sighed. "I left my pipe back there. Which means I REALLY wasn't thinking," he said, shifting uncomfortably.  
  
The idea of the camp naturally brought back the memories of not so merry things. Another silence settled in. Everyone was lost in their own world. "I will really miss him," said Irulan softly into the fire. "I mean, I will miss all of them," she added a moment later, waving her hand, "but...Boromir and I had a rather long history together," she finished.  
  
"How long did you know him?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Almost two years...though we were not always together during the whole time. The first time we met, he actually saved my life" said Irulan and looked up to meet their curious looks. "He killed an orc that approached me from behind. It was lying on the ground, pretending to be dead. A rather common orcish trick, as I would discover later...If it was not for Boromir, I would not be here today."  
  
"He will always be remembered," said Aragorn. "I will make sure that everyone hears the courage of the captain of Gondor."  
  
"Yes...a great man he was," said Gimli.  
  
"He was a warrior of great honor," Legolas murmured softly.  
  
"How many more?" said Irulan softly. They all looked at her, not blinking and she looked up a moment later. "How many more will we bid farewell to before this ends?" she said.  
  
"As many as we need to," said Aragorn bitterly after a short silence and he looked like it literally pained him to say so.  
  
"Yes, indeed," said Irulan and looked up at him. Aragorn did not reply but did not turn away either. They stared at each other for what seemed a long time until Aragorn picked up another stick to stir the fire again. "How do you feel, Irulan?" he asked, not looking at her.  
  
"Most of all...I feel tired I guess," she said, looking into the fire as well.  
  
Aragorn nodded as if he was expecting the answer.  
  
"We wanted to....talk about it," said Legolas softly from beside her and deftly touched her arm.  
  
"Oh?" said Irulan, a little surprised. 'Obviously I could have spared myself the last hour at that ice cold stream, thinking about how and what to say' she thought a little disappointed now that the first move came from them. "Alright....let's talk about it.." she said, not sure about how to tackle this situation. Another silence.  
  
"What do you want us to do?" Gimli said suddenly. Irulan looked up surprised. 'Now this is unusual! They actually decided to ask ME? I thought they would give me orders and stuff. Well these men....respect me!' she thought amazed.  
  
"I assume you know about Shifting and the Darma Druids?" she said, not sure how to begin, but thinking it would be safe to try the basics first.  
  
"Gandalf told us the little he knew," said Aragorn.  
  
"And he told us about.....this...Fever," said Legolas and spat the last word bitterly.  
  
"I see," said Irulan and was quite for a while. Then she took a deep breath and continued softly: "Then he also told you that it is irreversible?"  
  
None said anything. Only Gimli nodded gravely.  
  
"Are you absolutely sure about that part?"  
  
"Yes Aragorn....or rather, I have never heard otherwise."  
  
"Then it is yet...possible?" said Legolas.  
  
"Let's not count on it," replied Irulan and dared not to look at him, afraid of the hope in his face. She knew there was no hope but she was sure that Legolas would try to convince both himself and her that there could be. "I want you to know," she said, not blinking, "that I will fall."  
  
All three looked up harshly with wide eyes. It lasted so long that she felt like grabbing Aragorn's stick and stirring the flames herself, for the sake of having something to do. "You can't possibly know that!" protested Aragorn finally.  
  
Gimli squirmed to say something, but found nothing and finally only yelled "Ridiculous!"  
  
Legolas turned away and remained silent, looking into the dark distance.  
  
"I know it," she said very softly, looking into the flames, "I know, my friends." They were very quiet. She listened to the crackling fire for a while. "I almost fell today," she whispered and unconsciously touched the metal medallion around her neck.  
  
"Then you shall not Shift as from now on," said Aragorn very slowly, his eyes boring into hers.  
  
Irulan waved her hand. "I will not argue with you about what I will do or not do in the future, because we all know..." and this time she did look at the others, "....that I very much likely will have to again, in the future."  
  
They looked down, except of Legolas who was still looking away towards the darkness. "The enemy is not getting weaker by the day," she said solemnly. "And we're not exactly getting stronger." A shadow passed over her face when she remembered Gandalf and Boromir. "We might not be going to Mordor for now, but Mordor seems to have crossed its borders a long time ago. Evil is running freely in the rest of Middle Earth. I assume we will yet have to fight even fiercer battles."  
  
"You can fight without Shifting," said Legolas slowly, without turning to her.  
  
"I can of course, but it might not be enough, Legolas. Honestly, I would much rather Shift and not risk a failure as long as I can."  
  
"And risk your own life?" he said with a tinge of anger and turned towards her.  
  
"Yes," she said and for the first time looked him in the eye. She could not endure his piercing gaze too long though, and soon turned towards the fire again.  
  
"Anyway," she said, "I knew the risks when I joined this Fellowship. And I have not taken a greater risk that any of you have. Death is most probable for all of us. Mine might be a little.....different...that's all," she said, relieved to have said it. A long silence prevailed again and Irulan understood that none would speak up. She sighed again and said "If it happens...you must slay me before it's too late," very softly.  
  
None made a sound. She was expecting a surprise, protesting....anything. But they were very quiet. 'Obviously they have come to the same conclusion themselves' she thought, and all of a sudden felt sorry for having to drag them through this. She looked up and they stared back at her with blank, unreadable faces. 'Very well....at least we have that part behind us' she thought.  
  
"The problem is," she said and grinned nervously, hoping to revive the mood a little, "this might prove more difficult than it seems, for no one can kill a Shifting Darma Druid except maybe another Shifting Darma Druid. And I don't think I will be very helpful to you in the task." She thought about the incident earlier and barely kept herself from shuddering. 'You will be MAD, Irulan,' the voice hissed in her head, almost chuckling.  
  
When none answered, she decided to go on: "The Darma Druids, having realized the catastrophic consequences of Shifting after their last battle, have found a solution...a weak spot in the dragon's scale, if you will. Fever is inevitable and irreversible after a certain point in Shifting. However, they have a process called Marking," she said and looked up at them. The men were was silent as statues, listening with utmost attention.  
  
"Every Darma Druid ever since the last battle is Marked. That is, a couple of words -which we call the Code- are planted in every Sister's subconscious through a ritual - I will not elaborate this too much, it would be waste of time. These words, when spoken aloud to her, will pierce her concentration for a very short time -probably only seconds- and give the opportunity to slay her."  
  
Irulan pulled her hands from underneath her cloak and held them towards the fire to warm them. She felt much more relieved now....as least it sounded more like a conversation about the Druids then herself. "It is the only opportunity you will get. You must say the words and slay the Druid. Some Sisters have reacted to the Code the second or even the third time, but some have shown only a reaction at the first time, so you don't want to take the chance. Obviously this was only tried in trainings and only during Shifting - not really during the Fever or in real combat situations. But I assume that it will work there as well."  
  
Another short silence followed and Irulan almost wished for any of them to speak up now. But none made a sound and they continued looking at her with that odd expression on their faces....it looked like determination...or stubbornness. She took a deep breath. "By giving the Code to you I am breaking an ever greater oath than the one I have broken by joining this quest. Because.." and once again she looked up to meet their eyes, "... I am placing every Darma Druid's life into your hands. Therefore, you must NEVER give the Code to anyone else. Which means...one of you three will have to kill me, none other."  
  
All three men exchanged glances then, but she still could not read their expressions. Irulan had often thought about that moment, when she would hear those only words that the Druid can hear through the void - the very words that would open one final fleeting window for her to the sane world. She had tried to imagine who it would be that she would face then, standing at the other side of that window. Whose face would she see as the last face? Would it be an axe...a sword....or an arrow? What would she feel? Anger? Hate? Regret? Deliverance?  
  
'What if something goes wrong...and I don't hear the Code? Or I don't respond? Or I respond too late?' she had thought with growing desperation. What if I kill one of these men before it happens and the Heavens decide to torture my last moments by making me realize that? So many 'What 'if's.....so little time. Sitting here with them, Irulan once again painfully realized how much she loved these men - each in a different and immensely strong fashion. 'If we had met under different circumstances..well.....we would certainly have a great time,' she thought sadly. And yet, little or not, the time she was granted with the company of such adorable men was certainly a blessing.  
  
"Bellen Atnuir Rasula," she said softly, almost not aware that she was still talking about the Code that would push aside the curtains of the dark Fever and -even though for an instant- let the sunlight in again. Death, hopefully, would immediately follow this short string of words. A moment later she gently shook herself out of her straying thoughts and added: "It is in the long forgotten secret language of the Druids. No one alive today knows it any longer. Only fragments have remained...single words or sentences."  
  
"What does it mean, Irulan?" said Legolas, swallowing softly.  
  
"Rest now, Sister," she whispered, and suddenly, with the sadness and tiredness in her soul dragging her down, that sentence seemed ironically alluring. 


	33. Cliffs Are For Jumping

There it is..the last chapter I have written. Now I have absolutely no material left and I don't know when my inspiration will hit me for a continuance of this. Again...thank you sooooooo much for the incredible remarks and suggestions. Though I'm afraid I won't be able to heed most. Ha ha..dear lovely reviewers, I can NOT make her half-elven or suddenly immortal. Which means she is a mortal and she will die. As to WHEN she will die..I have a few ideas. Thanks for the grammatical corrections as well (Scene eleven). I thought about "elves or elvish" starting with a capital E, but then, not doing that with hobbits, dwarfs or humans, I decided to keep it like that. If it is not correct this way, so be it :)  
  
Now...chapter about love coming up. And I am very seriously asking all of you to take a minute to walk up to that stereo of yours and put in your most favorite love song that will play during the entire reading of the below chapter. Knowing what is coming up, I would suggest nothing too pop, and a trifle sad. I wrote it to old songs like Roxette's "Things will never be the same", Tori Amos' "1000 Oceans" and "The Etienne Trilogy" and especially Alannah Miles' "Song instead of a kiss". That one, you should really listen to. Music adds a lot to the writing and creating that certain mood will definitely help to understand the feelings I desperately tried to establish in this part. Seriously....put in the CD first.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"..........and so he turned to her and looked into her crystal blue eyes. He felt his heart melting, his pulse quickening and he felt the urge to embrace her, to kiss her growing in him. She looked back, all her passion laid out before his eyes now. They approached each other......- Master, I really think I shouldn't read the rest of this!"  
  
Chemarit was sitting in his only armchair by the fire that was the only source of light in the dark room, and looking into the flames, one hand on a wine bottle, the other on his pipe. He looked startled at her comment and turned to look at her with open annoyance.  
  
"Read it, read it!" he waved with the pipe in her direction.  
  
Irulan rolled her eyes. "I really can not. It is......." she looked at the book on her lap and then back up, "indecent!" she chirped.  
  
"Huh?" said Chemarit and looked down at her.  
  
"Indecent I say!" said Irulan again. "She is his BROTHER's wife!"  
  
A long moment passed during which Chemarit obviously fought down the irritation of his pleasure being interrupted once again with nonsense. "So?" he said finally, still puffing on his pipe.  
  
"So?!" repeated Irulan with disbelief. "SO?!" She looked down at the book again with distaste on her face. "That is so WRONG!" she said, a trifle too loud maybe.  
  
Chemarit sighed and muttered (probably cursed). "Irulan! Don't be silly. The man is IN LOVE!" When she did not reply with one of her high pitched protests again, he turned to look down at her. The little girl was sitting on the only rug on the floor, her legs crossed, the big volume laid across her lap. She had an almost angry look on her face.  
  
"So?" said Irulan, mimicking him, with a low voice.  
  
Chemarit threw up his hands. "Irulan! IN LOVE! That means he can do EVERYTHING. He has permission!"  
  
"Permission?" said Irulan, slightly cocking her head with disbelief.  
  
Chemarit nodded heartily and took another gulp from the bottle.  
  
"By whom?"  
  
"By Life, you stupid girl! By Nature."  
  
Irulan shook her little head. "Master, what about decency? What about vows? Sacred bonds? That evil snake of a woman.....-" Chemarit gave her a sour look and she halted for a moment, "....I mean....that woman has promised another. His BROTHER, for Heaven's sake! Does that hold no value?"  
  
"Not against love," he said matter-of-factly and waved her argument away. "Now continue."  
  
"But..........."  
  
"Irulan!"  
  
"And whatever happened to the friendship? They were friends just pages ago and then he is in LOVE? This book is really stupid. Even the one last week made more sense than this."  
  
"What is there not to understand?! They are still friends but also they love each other," bit Chemarit. His eyes took a glazy look after that and the smiled towards the fire.  
  
"Yuck!" said Irulan. "Are you saying........Yuck! I have friends too, and I would NEVER.......kiss......any of them!" she yelled, and wiped her mouth with the back of her arm as if she had, an expression of disgust on her face.  
  
Chemarit was watching her with open amusement on his face. "Irulan, how many times do I need to say........not even the fiercest warrior can win against love. I don't care if he's her brother himself!"  
  
Irulan's eyes widened incredibly at that remark and her mouth fell open. Chemarit boomed with laughter and she jumped up at that sound, despite herself. She threw the book from her lap and jumped to her feet. "That's disgusting Chemarit! I was being serious!"  
  
"Alright, alright!" he wheezed minutes later, tears streaming down his face. "Just read, read!"  
  
She remained standing though, and crossed her arms stubbornly. "I will........but you must explain first."  
  
Chemarit sighed and threw up his hands again, "I explained it to you! So many times! You have a thick skull and a small brain!"  
  
Irulan pushed up her chin and continued to stare at him coldly. "Well.......that makes two of us!" she said in a cold voice. "Explain again!"  
  
Chemarit threw another sour look in her direction but knowing that he had no other choice, finally sighed and gave in to her. "Irulan. When you are in LOVE, you do not think with your brain any longer. You think with your heart." He scratched his chin lazily, looking away and desperately thinking of another way to approach the subject. "You love me, don't you?" he said suddenly.  
  
"Not all the time," said Irulan, throwing a poisonous look in his direction.  
  
"You love me," he said and waved her argument away. "But you see.......you shouldn't."  
  
Irulan's mouth dropped open. "Why the heck not?"  
  
"Well.......one thing......I am an addict......" -he held up his pipe- ".....I am a drunkard......." -he held up the bottle in his other hand- "....I am a thief....." -he pointed with his head towards the table that was standing in the corner of the room. On it was a plate with the leftovers of a grilled chicken- "...I don't listen to your father -he is a KING, mind you-, I like INDECENT ideas......." he broke off, looking at her confused face with a grin. He puffed on his pipe for a few moments while Irulan's little brain raced over what he just said and -by the horror on her face- found nothing to object to.  
  
"So.........." he said with amusement a long moment later, "why do you love me?"  
  
A long silence followed. Finally Irulan said "That's different!" Chemarit rolled his eyes and took another gulp from the bottle.  
  
"Alright. Let us assume that I get caught stealing a chicken," said Chemarit, stubbornly determined to get his point across. "No........forget the chicken. Let's say......." he frowned for a moment and then his face beamed up, "Let's say I fall in love with Lady Ashmat."  
  
"Lady ASHMAT?" repeated Irulan with astonishment. "The wife of Lord Celethion of House Paman?"  
  
"Yes! The very lady!"  
  
"But......"  
  
Chemarit waved his pipe, "Let us just ASSUME!" Irulan's features twisted with the need to object, but she remained silent. "I am in love and so is she and we run off." He glanced at the impatient expression on her face. "But we get caught.........by your father," he said slowly and watched her frown slightly. "Now we are in the dungeons, your father mercilessly whipping us to death, we are hanging there by the very last thread of our lives and.........."  
  
"Chemarit! My father has no dungeons and he most certainly would not whip you," she interrupted, knowing he would go on dramatizing and lose himself in the tale if she did not.  
  
"Oh.........alright" said Chemarit, a little stupefied. "But anyway, let us say he put us in a chamber and we will be executed the next morning!"  
  
"Executed?" Irulan yelped.  
  
"Do you think they would hit our palms with a stick a couple of times and let us go?" Irulan thought about that for a moment and decided not to object after all. "Executed! First the first light of dawn we will be dragged to the center of the town, our clothes torn, our bodies bruised, desperately trying to touch each other one last time.......we reach out and struggle in desperation but the guards kick us back.........and I want to tell her so much that I love her but......."  
  
"Master!" growled Irulan.  
  
"Alright, alright! No patience, Irulan! Your greatest weakness!" he mumbled. "We will be executed. But........" he said and grinned slyly in her direction again. "........you are the princess of the castle. You have the key to the chamber!" he whispered and leaned over to the girl who stood by his chair but did not see him leaning towards her, for she was lost in the imagination of the moment.  
  
"Tell me Irulan," said Chemarit very slowly, "what would you do?"  
  
"Why, I would free you of course!" she said immediately with a tinge of anger. "What a stupid question!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"REALLY?" snorted Irulan, mimicking him. "You bet, old man! NO ONE executes my Master! Errr......can we leave Lady Ashmat behind?"  
  
"No, but forget about her now. Tell me, why would you save us?"  
  
"Wha......What do you mean?" she shouted with utter disbelief. A moment passed in silence. "I can't believe you ask me that," she mumbled with disappointment. "You doubt me!"  
  
"I don't doubt you, stupid girl! You doubt yourself!" Irulan stared back at him in defiance. "Irulan, I am committing adultery with the wife of one of your father's closest friends. I am committing a crime. I am breaking the laws of this kingdom and betraying your father's trust. I DESERVE to be punished. It is just, is it not?"  
  
"Just?" whispered Irulan softly, her eyes lost in thought.  
  
"Is it not the right thing to do?" said Chemarit softly.  
  
"But......but......." Irulan stammered, her eyes almost glazy with tears now. "I can NOT let you die! I don't care!" she shouted finally. "I LOVE you, Chemarit!"  
  
Chemarit smiled and nodded softly, puffing on his pipe. "Indeed," he whispered a minute later. He turned to look at the little girl standing by his armchair, her white nightgown dirty, spotted with dust and mud here and there; her hair in disarray, her little hands rolled into fists, her eyes burning with anger and determination. "There is your answer," he said with a low voice.  
  
Irulan suddenly looked at him with confusion and a moment later, disbelief followed by astonishment. She looked away again, brows furrowed, her features twisted with the effort of thinking. She slowly shook her head and went back to sit on the floor once more, facing Chemarit, who was still puffing on his pipe, looking into the fire.  
  
She thought about his example over and over again and found nothing to protest to. She would indeed free Chemarit, no matter what the consequences. And even that evil woman of a Lady Ashmat, who was probably the cause for all this in the first place! Seducing her Master like that! 'Maybe she should be executed,' Irulan thought bitterly but then quickly dispensed that idea. 'Chemarit would be heart broken......Ah, let him have that wrench!' She looked back into the fire and sighed softly. "It is like being mad!" she said slowly.  
  
Chemarit chuckled. "More like being sane, Irulan."  
  
"Master?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
Chemarit sighed. "Told you, you have a little brain!"  
  
"But........."  
  
"Irulan!" Chemarit cut her off, and added softly: "You DO understand. You just don't know it, yet. Some day you will meet somebody and you will think with your heart and then everything will make sense."  
  
"What happens when I think with my heart?" she said slowly.  
  
Chemarit turned back to her with a bright grin on his face. "Why, you realize that cliffs are for jumping," he said slowly, "That rules are for breaking, that endless plains are for running, that traditions are for ignoring. You realize that you have been decent, mature, reasonable and careful...and therefore, wasted your entire life, Irulan."  
  
Both did not talk again for a long time. The man was lost in old memories, a sad smile on his face, looking into the fire. The girl was unconsciously playing with her hair, confused and lost in thoughts that seemed to leave her more confused the more she delved in them. A long silence prevailed. Finally Irulan sighed and her voice filled the little cabin once more:  
  
"......He felt his heart melting, his pulse quickening and he felt the urge to embrace her, to kiss her growing in him. She looked back, all her passion laid out before his eyes now. They approached each other......."  
  
***  
  
"I'll take your watch, Legolas. Go sleep," whispered Irulan to his silhouette sitting on the edge of an overhang, his back to her.  
  
He turned with a surprised expression on his face. "Irulan? You should be resting." Legolas was so caught up in his own thoughts that he had not heard Irulan approach. He quickly scanned his surroundings and silently cursed himself. If he did not hear her, his watch was pointless, for he would most probably not hear an approaching danger, either.  
  
Irulan ignored him and went up to sit beside him. Her tunics had dried more or less and she wore them now, but the weather was cool and she decided to keep the elven cloak as well. Legolas, too, was dressed again and he too had his cloak on.  
  
"I am rested. I just woke up," she murmured once she reached his side and sat down next to him.  
  
"How are your dreams?" he said slowly, looking at her in the dim moonlight. Irulan smiled with amusement, "I dreamt of Chemarit today. It was very pleasant," she said softly.  
  
"Then go back to sleep."  
  
"I can't," said Irulan and looked away. Finally she shrugged and said "I have a lot on my mind." Then she turned to him again and added more heartily: "Go, Elf! You have not been getting enough sleep for days now."  
  
"I don't need that much sleep," he replied stiffly.  
  
"Legolas," Irulan said with a tired sigh, "I you know what I mean. Even for your own standards you are not sleeping enough. I haven't seen you eating for a suspiciously long time now, either." Her eyes narrowed and she looked him up and down. "What is going on here?"  
  
A flame of fear hit Legolas and he thanked the relative darkness. "Nothing," he said a moment later and cast a sidelong glance in her direction. "I have a lot on my mind, too." Irulan silently nodded and looked into the distance.  
  
And once again Legolas felt both incredible joy to be sitting with her at this moment, and yet excruciating pain for the distance between them. Their bodies were so close, and yet their races were parted from each other by immeasurable vastness. He felt like cursing and denying everything divine and sacred; everything that had made this world and the beings in it the way they were. If only there was a way...a single way...no matter how uncertain or impossible it would be, he would take it. If it meant going to Mordor a thousand times and facing Sauron barehanded, so be it. If it meant walking back and forth through Middle Earth ten thousands of times, so be it. He was more than ready to do it. But...there was no way. She was parted from him forever.  
  
And how could he expect her to return his feelings when it meant this much pain and suffering? How could he be selfish enough to ask her to go through what he was going through now? Could he indeed be careless enough to expect her to throw away her inner battles, her own concerns, the shadow of a probable death in her heart and just give in to him? Could he be heartless enough to wish her to bid farewell to all that and just cast a single glance in his direction?  
  
And yet...yes, he could. He was cold, selfish, careless, heartless, for he wanted her, no matter what. Even if it meant losing everything and everyone, he wanted her. Even if it meant destruction and ruin for both of them, he wanted her. Even if it meant the burning of Middle Earth, and he was to be the very flame to burn it, he wanted her.  
  
Legolas blinked away the tears and stubbornly told himself that he was only sitting at the edge of a cliff with Irulan, in the middle of nowhere. But no matter how real that might seem, he was going through such torture, he felt as if his body was somewhere else, slowly being ripped apart while his mind remained trapped in this moment. And suddenly the realization of his feelings hit him. And it hit him so unexpectedly; he actually felt his breath sucked from his lungs. What he had been feeling was something that the elves called Grief - the only thing besides a mortal wound that would kill an elf. Grief - the loss of the will to live. His mind went blank for a moment. "Why do I feel this way?" he thought, a little taken aback by the discovery. And the answers rose to his mind like shadows rising towards the surface of a placid, clear lake. "Because I do not wish to live if she will not be with me," he thought slowly. "Because I do not wish to live if I am to be denied her. I would rather die and drift away than live and remain forever apart from her."  
  
Legolas felt oddly relieved. He felt relieved because at least now he knew what he was facing. "I was right after all," he thought with sick amusement, "I AM dying." The idea was so stupefying that he could think of nothing further. He did not doubt his feelings for an instant, for every elf knew when Grief overtook him or her. He knew that he was withering, very much like a plant. From the outside the plant was green and alive, and it would be very much so for perhaps many days, or even weeks yet. But inside, the plant was dying. Something very strange was happening in its intricate existence, and its physical form was helpless to interfere or reverse it. The body of the plant was powerless and would obey it - it would follow the laid path and slowly die, too. And very much in the same fashion, Legolas too was drifting away from life. For he saw no hope. He knew that Irulan would not grant him the blessing of being with her, much less return his feelings. And he also knew that as long as she denied him, there was no difference in being here with her or being thousands of miles away from her. He would die of the agonizing longing for her either way.  
  
He thought about the mission. He thought about the Ring. He thought about Middle Earth. But inside, he felt no interest in any of these ideas. As important as they may be, his wish for Irulan was a radiant glare that blinded him from everything else. He understood now that he was not here for the quest any longer. He was here because Irulan was here. He was not fighting for the rescue of the world. He was fighting to protect her. He tried to feel ashamed...or angry. But he felt only acceptance. He felt himself giving in to a far greater power than himself and feeling nothing but relief for doing so. He was elf no more. He was man no more. He was not three thousand years old. No Prince. No warrior. No cunning hunter. Not brave, bold, headstrong. Not mature, smart, calculating. Not reasonable, not calm or determined. He was only in love.  
  
Legolas felt the confusion and distraction blinding him for days slowly lift off his eyes. He silently accepted his destiny and in return, was blessed with the long lost inner peace. He loved Irulan. She did not love him. He could not be with her. He would die with the longing. Suddenly it all became very clear and simple. The heat of his torment was no more. He had bowed down to his fate and instead of struggling with this roaming river, he had let go. He had decided to float, to let the river take him to wherever it was he was meant to go. In his heart, Legolas had accepted death.  
  
Legolas sighed softly and Irulan, who had been drifting in her own thoughts, came back to the moment. His sigh sounded like pure relief and surrender. She turned to him and tried to read his face in the dim light. The elf, who had been watching the dark sky himself, turned to look back at her then with the most beautiful smile. It was so sincere and soft, she could not help herself smiling back. His eyes had an odd appearance...almost as if they were wet and sparkling softly. His beauty was overwhelming and his presence, comfort itself. Irulan had always admired the elves for being what they were. But more and more she realized that she admired Legolas for the little things that had nothing to do with his elvish qualities. He slowly reached out and took her hand into his, his eyes never leaving hers. Irulan did not look away herself, oddly stupefied and amused by the moment. She let him enclose his warm fingers around her cold hand and very gently pull it out from her lap towards him. Legolas, still looking into her eyes with that sad and yet piercing blue gaze, folded his other hand on hers, as well.  
  
"Irulan..." he whispered, still not looking away and his smile ever so slightly deepening. And hearing her name whispered by him like that, Irulan felt her heart beating faster, although she had no idea as to why. She felt strangely enchanted by his voice, his looks, the silence of the night, the distant crackling of the fire and the elusive warmth it was casting on their backs, by the beautiful night sky and the ever so slightly howling wind, scraping on the rocks.  
  
"...I love you."  
  
  
  
***  
  
"I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever."  
  
Rabindranath Tagore 


	34. Wind and Grass

The romance in this story is truly taking hold of me. I meant to pass these parts much faster, but once I sat down to write, not expressing the feelings of these two people with the depth it deserved seemed to be a very bad idea. After all, it is what the whole story is about. So, bear with me through this my amazing readers. I can only find relief in the fact that I'm not the only one whose feelings are torn apart by a matter of words, here! Yes, that's how pathetic I can be!  
  
Basil and Spencer, thanks for the grammatical notes. Keep warning me. I'll be returning to former chapters, correcting as many as I can find. Le Vagor, I am truly scared and that fear has inspired the twisted chapter below. For all those who actually downloaded the songs and read the part along with them - my sincere thanks. It DOES make a difference. This chapter was written to Marillion's amazing "Lavender" and especially to "Hold On To My Heart" by WASP.  
  
Tara, evenstar, mae Noelle, shakiya, scene eleven, dinathiel, Egyptian queen, mystic elf, rya, crystal and ALL the others! Although it means not much when repeated so often, I still truly and deeply THANK YOU.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Irulan stopped breathing. A sudden feeling of a paralyzed world crashed onto her. For a moment a part of her brain thought she had seriously Shifted and stood in the void. Where else could she exist in utter silence, movement; without thought and feeling? But it was only a fleeting idea crossing her mind and soon departed again.  
  
Very slowly she exhaled and as the breath left her body, sound and movement returned to the world as well. The fire was still crackling, the wind still howling, it was still chilly and the breeze was softly playing with Legolas' blonde hair, lifting single strands very slightly and gently lowering them back. She could also feel her hand still enclosed in his warm hands and she could most certainly hear her own heart that was beating frantically; pulling and pushing the blood in her veins with such force that it made her dizzy.  
  
Legolas' smile became even more beautiful and wide and then he gently turned away, freed one of his hands and placed it on his lap, but made no attempt to free the other one as well; and finally remained smiling into the distance. He actually looked content and peaceful. Irulan felt like he had passed on something from himself moments ago to her and, being finally free of it, reached tranquility, unaware that Irulan had lost all concepts of harmony and peace right beside him.  
  
She blinked and swallowed softly, then took another deep breath. She looked down at their hands and battled with the idea of snatching hers back instantly. Then she looked up at Legolas again, and seeing him still lost in thought, she felt unable to break the moment. The whole situation was so odd, that she was literally afraid of taking a step and ending up with devastating results. She desperately wished him to do something, to say something so that she could break free and reply to it. But he remained as he was, and so did she.  
  
Irulan closed her eyes for a moment and tried to calm herself. 'Maybe I am dreaming' she thought suddenly. The whole event was weird enough.........it might very well be a dream. A spark of hope appeared in her, but soon died out with the settling realization that this was no dream. 'Maybe I misheard him' she thought then, but unfortunately had to discard that idea too. But Irulan was a complete coward and embarrassingly naive when it came to feelings, so she continued to look for explanations instead of turning around and looking truth in the face. 'Maybe......maybe he just meant.......the whole thing in a..........friendly way. You know.......melloni.....' she thought and that idea seemed to be promising. 'Most probably! He is an elf, for Heaven's sake! Who knows what he was thinking about and then suddenly he was glad that I was here with him and he meant 'I really like you Irulan' and.....-' Irulan felt like crying when her senses once again took that option and threw it off the window. She knew Legolas too well by now to fool herself with something like that.  
  
'He can in all possibility not really LOVE me!' she thought suddenly, deciding to reason herself out of this, instead of fooling herself with interpretations. 'Why.......we all went through so much these last days......he is confused. He is an elf, he is of delicate nature...-'  
  
'Delicate nature?' echoed her amused alter ego's voice. Irulan gulped with fear. Not that voice again! It will ruin everything!  
  
'Hush you idiot!'  
  
'Irulan, stop it. You should know by now that you can not hush me to silence. He is an elf, true, which means he thinks before speaking -unlike you, by the way- and he knows EXACTLY what he is feeling. He is older and more experienced than you'll ever be. I assume he is fully aware of his feelings,' it said. Irulan felt like moving just a little bit forward and letting herself glide down the cliff.  
  
'Shut up!' she hissed back silently. 'He can NOT love me. Anything makes more sense than that.'  
  
'As much as I agree that the elf has no taste in women, I think you are very wrong in the matter, Irulan.'  
  
'You don't understand!' she went on almost pleadingly, 'I am........LOOK AT ME! I am nothing! I am no princess, no Darma Druid, no girl, no hero! I am a failure in all of those things!'  
  
'Yes, I know that. But your point is?'  
  
'Alright. LOOK AT HIM! He is this......this marvelous creature. An elf! A prince! A warrior! A hero! He is the complete opposite of me. He is this majestic being, ever successful and graceful in everything he does. He can not love ME!'  
  
'Obviously he is so marvelous and incredible that he can actually manage to love someone like you,' the voice hissed and went silent.  
  
Irulan could not think of anything to say for a moment after that. She looked up at Legolas again, but he had not changed his posture. 'What will I do? What will I do? What will I do?' she thought desperately and felt like crying.  
  
"Legolas," she said finally, unable to overcome the feelings in her alone, any longer. Forget about letting go, she actually felt like clasping his hand with both of hers now and even jumping on his lap, in hope that he will rescue her from this dreadful situation. He turned to look at her, still that serene expression and a slight smile on his face, and she instantly forgot what she wanted to say. Just minutes ago his presence was such a comfort. Just moments ago it had been so easy to talk to him. But suddenly he had become the source of such anxiety and confusion that she could not bring herself to utter a single word.  
  
He looked at her for a long time and then very slightly lowered his head and arched his eyebrows, still looking at her. When she still would not answer he finally said "Yes Irulan?" with a soft voice. Irulan almost moaned with desperation. She wanted to say so many things, but none seemed right. And she could not find her voice anyway. 'What the hell is happening to me?!' she thought with frustration. She looked down and glanced at the dark abyss beneath her dangling feet again. A little bit towards the front.......and this whole thing would end. Another soft breeze flew by them and she felt coolness on her back. Obviously she had been sweating - in this cold weather! She could not help to shudder with the icy touch.  
  
"Irulan, are you well?" she heard Legolas say and he did indeed sound concerned. 'Am I well!?' she thought bitterly, 'Sure, why not? Spit something like that at my face and then expect me to be well!' Anger exploded in her for his insensitiveness, and then was swiftly brushed away by confusion, which was followed by desperation and yet again replaced by anger. Irulan closed her eyes again. 'I am dying for sure,' she thought, 'there is no way I can endure this torture!'  
  
"Irulan?" said Legolas again and although she did not look up, she could feel him shifting slightly to see her face.  
  
"Legolas, you can not possibly love me," she said finally, and even though her voice was hoarse and raw, at least it was a complete and coherent statement. She even congratulated herself silently for the unbelievable success of finally speaking up. There was a moment of silence and Irulan could hear her heart again beating like crazy. 'Why am I being anxious about his reply?' she thought suddenly, annoyed, 'It does not matter what he says. I know that he can not love me.'  
  
"But I do," said Legolas very softly and it sounded as if she had just said 'Legolas, the sky is green,' and he had turned around and said 'But it is blue'. Irulan felt like crying out loud and leaping to her feet and running off. She was pretty sure that at this moment she would be capable of running at a speed that would take her into the camp of the Uruk-hai in less than an hour.  
  
"You can't!" she said finally and it came out with something like 'impatient whining'.  
  
"Irulan, look at me," Legolas said suddenly with a determined voice.  
  
"No," she said, and turned her head towards the dark yawn of the abyss. She felt like she was a little girl again and damn that elf for that!  
  
Legolas sighed softly. She felt him let go of her hand and grateful for that, she hastily snatched it back to her lap. He would probably get up now and leave and this would remain as a weird and disturbing memory, which would fade with the first light of dawn. Suddenly she felt his hand on the crook of her neck and she could swear that her heart exploded at his touch. The sensation of his gentle fingers on her neck, slightly brushing her ear, and the warmness of his palm against her cheek was devastating. He slowly turned her face towards him, and although Irulan was determined not to look, she could do nothing but obey the spell he had put on her.  
  
Legolas was sitting very close to her. Actually he had not moved closer, but to Irulan the distance seemed suddenly too diminished. He was slightly leaning forward which made him even closer to her and she felt like tilting back a little to regain the space to breathe again. Needless to say that she was devoid of the ability to move at the moment. He smiled again and softly caressed her cheek with his thumb, not removing his hand from her neck. "Irulan," he whispered deftly, "I DO love you. NEVER doubt that." A moment passed during which she frantically tried to recover her voice.  
  
"Legolas," she said and felt another soft brush of anger. She desperately hung to that feeling, for it was the only thing she had at the moment. Finally she managed to move again and softly jerked her head back, freeing herself from his touch. But to her surprise, he did not look hurt or disappointed at all. He smiled again and simply took her hand once more. Irulan could only look down in horror as her hand disappeared in his, and she once again could do nothing to stop it.  
  
She swallowed softly and decided to continue while she still had the voice and the heart for it. "Legolas, you can't," she said with a firmer voice and glanced at him to see the effect. He seemed so unaffected by it that for a moment she thought she had not said it out loud. "I know what you think," she stammered and that was a big lie. She did not have the slightest clue as to what he was thinking or feeling. Legolas had become a complete stranger to her in a matter of moments. "But.......it is.......it.........Legolas, you must stop," she finished.  
  
"Stop what, Irulan?"  
  
"Stop yourself!" she said with frustration, once again not knowing what she was talking about, but desperate to say something.  
  
Legolas sighed softly again and, losing nothing from his peaceful appearance, said "Alas, but I can not."  
  
"Yes you can! Legolas, do something!"  
  
A slight confusion and amusement washed over his features and Irulan once again felt like a little child. Yet, the words were spilling out of her now and she lacked the control over them.  
  
"What would you like me to do?" he said very slowly, his eyes never leaving hers.  
  
"Gather your wits!" she whined.  
  
"I'm afraid they have forsaken me for good, Irulan" he said, still amused.  
  
"We must do something! You are not yourself!" said Irulan suddenly, convinced that something had happened to him.  
  
Legolas chuckled lightly. "I'm more myself than I have been for a very long time now," he said and brought up his other hand to slightly caress hers. A long moment passed during which Irulan felt all sense leaving her with his soft touches on the back of her hand.  
  
"Irulan," he said then and looked up at her again, "I know this must be discomforting for you. I am sorry for that. I did not mean to upset you. But I wanted you to know."  
  
"Legolas, maybe you are wrong?" said Irulan and she sounded truly hopeful.  
  
He chuckled again. "No."  
  
"Maybe you are confused?"  
  
"No, Irulan."  
  
"Legolas," she said again and brought up her other hand to massage her face, "this is definitely the worst time."  
  
"I know," he said, and for the first time, sounded sad.  
  
"How on earth will you kill me?" she said suddenly and her heart stopped at the realization that she had actually said that. She looked up at him in horror and he was staring back at her with a shocked expression.  
  
"I will do no such thing," he whispered very slowly.  
  
A cold fear gripped her. She had trusted them to spare her this pain, but Legolas would not help her! What was she supposed to do?! Whom else could she trust? "I will fall," she said, a cold fire creeping into her voice.  
  
"Then you will take me with you," he said and his eyes bore into hers. Irulan's eyes widened with fear and shock. For a moment an image reached out to her - a vision of her hacking left and right and Legolas standing before her, his bow limp in his hand, not moving, not running. Until she whirled her staff and...Irulan gasped in horror and shuddered. She instantly snatched back her hand. Another wave of anger hit her, this time stronger. 'How can he torture me like this?' she thought bitterly, 'How can he say that, knowing that I have no other option? Knowing that I can not prevent it!'  
  
"How can you say that?" she spat in disbelief.  
  
Legolas looked away into the distance once more. She could see his sadness and grief, and a part of her understood that her insensitivity must indeed by very painful for him. And yet another part of her was far more scared of hurting him physically then hurting him emotionally.  
  
"I am sorry Irulan, forgive me," he said finally with sincerity. "It was selfish of me to expect you to understand my feelings. I know you don't feel the same way."  
  
Just as instantly as anger had burst in her, in very much the same fashion it disappeared. Once again she was left speechless and utterly confused. Legolas turned towards her again and his gaze was piercingly intense. "I would do ANYTHING for you, Irulan. But what you ask, is beyond me. I will not lie to you......it is not possible for me to slay you. And it is not possible for me to stand aside to watch, either." He once again leaned forward with desperation and took her hand. Irulan stiffened slightly, but did not stop him. The touch seemed to soothe him. He remained silent for a moment, and when he looked up again, he was serene once more.  
  
"Have you ever watched the wind blowing over the rich grass in valleys?" he said suddenly. Irulan did not answer, for he seemed lost in a distant memory and it was not a real question. "I have stood for hours to watch. It is such an intoxicating sight. Some say it looks like the sea," he said and looked at her again. Irulan had seen the sea and she knew that Legolas had not. Yet, the Call of the Sea was engraved in every elf and they would all obey sooner or later. It was something that mortals would never understand. It was a pull beyond anything, and it would ooze all elves out of Middle Earth like oozing the life out of a body. None was capable of resisting it. 'And this quest will just seal that end' she thought once more bitterly. Legolas, though, was swept away with the memory, his gaze once again searching the distant horizon.  
  
"I would not know. But it has a magic to it, Irulan. The warm breeze gliding through the valley, carrying so many various scents. The scent of animals. Scent of their feelings, like fear or lust. Scent of flowers and fruits.....gliding over the grass like a touch. And the grass, bending to that touch - almost with pleasure. Bowing, gliding, swishing. It almost sounds like a sigh, both sad and joyful. I watched it so many times......and yet, each time......I see an intimacy in it. A yearning, a passion. Things of such different nature, united in a touch." He turned back to her and smiled at her expression. Irulan was completely engulfed by his voice, by his memory. She could swear she was standing next to him in that valley, watching it happen.  
  
"It looks so ordinary, but......I see so much in it. And there were times when I thought, 'tis only air. It can not be seen, nor heard. It is so ethereal; it has no hand, no fingers, no will to bend the grass. And it feels so soft to the skin, so fragile. Yet.....this ethereal and subtle element shakes the solid one and shapes it without the slightest resistance."  
  
Legolas pulled her hand towards him again and once again enclosed it in his. "You are like that wind, Irulan. I have no say in this. I will follow you, wherever you go and I will bend to your will. For you have touched me in such an intimate way, I can never be what I was before. My heart will forever yearn for you, again and again."  
  
It was only then that Irulan realized that she was crumbling. She could not explain the feeling in her with another word. She felt like the wind of that valley had actually blown through her cracks and she was falling apart, scattering like a figure made of ash. She was falling apart. Or rather, what she had built all this time, and thought of as stone, was falling apart, surrendering to a soft, gentle draft. She was a Darma Druid. She was on the most important quest in Middle Earth. She was about to die in a matter of days. The people she loved most would have to kill her. And yet, suddenly it did not matter.  
  
In her mind, Irulan was standing hand in hand with Legolas in a valley. Majestic rocky hills were surrounding it and the valley itself was stretching far into the distant horizon. They were standing in the middle of it. Waist-high grass was surrounding them and covering the whole valley, its gorgeous and rich lime green a dashing contrast with the bluish white rocks looming above them. The sun was setting and bleeding ever so softly on both the grass and the high and steep cliffs. She could smell the sharp scent of the grass that spoke of life. A warm breeze came over them, then, and she could almost feel it coming from the end of the valley, from the farthest distance. She heard the sighing and gasping of the grass and she felt her hair softly lifting; soft, invisible fingers combing through it. She could feel Legolas beside her, the touch of their hands almost bewildering. She closed her eyes and felt such deep peace and contentment, that she felt like she had to release these sensations by crying. Everything before this very minute and everything that lay after this moment was of no importance. This moment would stretch for all eternity, for it was a part of her and she would find her way back to it whenever she needed to.  
  
Legolas smiled down at her and he was the most beautiful thing that had ever drawn breath on this world. "Irulan...." he said and it sounded exactly like the sigh of the grass. She felt him touching her cheek, wiping away a tear that she didn't know she had shed. But in the overwhelming awe of her feelings, she did not move. Even when he leaned in closer to her, she did not blink. Her mind was suspended, her whole being elevated to somewhere beyond her grasp. She should feel afraid; she should feel helpless, or desperate. Yet she felt none of those things, for Legolas was with her. And Legolas leaned further and further, until their faces were so close, she could feel his warm and faint breath in the cool air. Yet she did not, could not move. Even when his lips touched hers and her body responded with a burst of fire, she could not move. Even when he kissed her she felt unable of doing anything else but receiving that kiss like the shore receives the glide of waves, like leaves receive the touch of the sun, like the earth receives the cool kiss of raindrops. It felt as right and natural and welcome as those things.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Through portico of my elegant house you stalk  
  
With your wild furies, disturbing garlands of fruit  
  
  
  
And the fabulous lutes and peacocks, rending the net  
  
Of all decorum which holds the whirlwind back.  
  
Now, rich order of walls is fallen; rooks croak  
  
Above the appalling ruin; in bleak light  
  
Of your stormy eye, magic takes flight  
  
Like a daunted witch, quitting castle when real days break.  
  
  
  
Fractured pillars frame prospects of rock;  
  
While you stand heroic in coat and tie, I sit  
  
Composed in Grecian tunic and psyche-knot,  
  
Rooted to your black look, the play turned tragic:  
  
With such blight wrought on our bankrupt estate,  
  
What ceremony of words can patch the havoc?  
  
  
  
Sylvia Plath - Conversation Among the Ruins 


	35. What Have We Done!

Wow.......amazing, is it not? That we sit so far apart from each other, looking at a screen, each of us a separate whirling universe on its own, and we feel connected through consonants and vowels that tell of an imaginary world? It stupefies me each time.  
  
A lot of people ask me how I can add chapters so fast.........I guess there are various reasons. One of them being the fact that I have decided to take a break from many of my other daily habits. Secondly, as I have said before, I swear the reviews have an odd effect on me. They are like spells or something, making me continue even when I feel drained and fed up. Third, I feel the story flowing by itself more or less. There are difficult chapters to write, true, but most come out astonishingly easy.  
  
Oh, thank you for the music recommendations. I download each and listen to them and you are right - the stories go well with many songs of which I was not even aware of. Let's continue this exchange! Oh, and please -I mean, if you don't mind- include your e-mail address when you write unsigned reviews. Sometimes I want to write back and reply, but..you guys think I'm a bloodhound or something? I can't track you down, you know, it's a big world.  
  
As a matter of fact, dear Eddie (thank you so much for the compliment), English is not even my native tongue (hence the constant grammar mistakes). But I try to read as much as I can and I think that's the only trick that I have up on my sleeve!  
  
One thing that begins to nag at me though is.........THE STORY IS TOO LONG! I mean, look at this mess! We are at chapter 35 and TTT has barely begun! I turned around and I realized that the last 5 chapters or so all concerned a single day - starting with Boromir's fury and extending to the kiss of Irulan and Legolas late in the night of the very same day. And yet, as I reread those chapters, I realized that I can not make them any shorter. What will become of us?  
Irulan had lost track of time. By the ache of her muscles and her lungs, she was running for a long time now. And yet, the view never seemed to change - the rocky hills and the grassy patches in between seemed to go on forever. She did not care, though. Even if this landscape would end and trees would spring up around her, or suddenly lakes would reflect her running image or she would find herself leaving footprints in the snow, she wanted to go on running. Go on, until there was no strength left in her and until she would collapse and finally die. That would probably be the most useful thing she could do anyway. 'I should do Middle Earth a favor,' she thought ruefully 'and just rid it of myself!'  
  
She glanced at Legolas, who was running ahead and another wave of fire hit her. 'Damn!' she thought, 'I can't even look at the elf without feeling awkward now!' She tried to think of something else, but she could think of nothing else today. So, once again, the memories of the morning swam back to her and once again she surrendered to their assault in desperation.....  
  
***  
  
To her utter dismay Irulan woke up at dawn and found herself curled up in Legolas' arms, still sitting at the edge. His own elven cloak along with hers was protectively draped around her and he was softly stroking her shoulder and hair as she returned to reality from a deep and dreamless sleep. It took her moments to understand where she was and what was going on and as soon as she did, she jumped up so fast, she almost knocked both of them down the cliff.  
  
She awkwardly stood up hastily with her dreamy state still clouding her mind, and all the time tried to avoid looking into the abyss. Now that she could see the bottom again, the height would do funny things to her if she stared too long. She did not look up to his face, but saw Legolas standing across her as well, very silent and still. Irulan tried to force herself to look to him, but failed pathetically. A frustrating embarrassment would not let go of her. She felt so little and completely foolish, and had not idea why that was.  
  
Finally, unable to do anything else, she slowly took off his elven cloak and, avoiding his eyes, offered it to him. "This........this.....is.......yours," she stammered like some fool, swallowing hard and blushing against all her best wishes. She could not remember the last time she had actually blushed. It seemed so long ago........almost in another life.  
  
Legolas hesitated for a moment and then, to her utter demise, took a step closer (which was way too close for her comfort at the moment), and then slowly accepted the cloak from her. At least he had not forced her to look up this time. Irulan closed her eyes, hoping once more that she would die on the spot for a few seconds. Finally when the cloak had left her hand, she hastily clasped her hand behind her back, in fear that he might want to hold it again and crumble her last defenses. She stood there a moment longer, swallowing hard and not knowing what to do with herself, then turned to leave.  
  
"I am sorry," Legolas whispered from behind her. Of course she had to stop then. But she refused to face him still. She remained with her back turned to him, then turning her head sideways and still not looking at him, managed a weak "Why?"  
  
Legolas did not answer for another moment. Finally he sighed and said "For making you feel uncomfortable."  
  
And to her own horror, Irulan felt her body making a slow turn and her eyes finding their way to his face. To her, it happened all in slow motion and she tried to avoid doing it with all her might during the process, but her body was like a machine set in motion - it would not listen! Legolas was looking back at her with something like admiration and tranquility on his face. Irulan did not know it yet, but she would see that gaze on his face ever more often in the upcoming days. He seemed more and more the person she had met five years ago. All of a sudden he was more elf than human, although she had believed the opposite to be true just days ago. His age and his maturity, along with a control and peace was emanating from him. From the very beginning of this journey Legolas had been confused, irritated, nervous, hasty, spiteful, angry and at times even cruel. And just when she had stopped being astonished and surprised by that, finally coming to terms with this odd elf, he had changed again in a matter of hours, and this time into something completely alien to her.  
  
Irulan felt a sensation that she recognized immediately. All her life she had been surrounded by incredible people. Her father had been a powerful king; Gandalf had been a Wizard, Chemarit a fierce warrior, Boromir the captain of Gondor... Legolas was an elven prince, Aragorn was the king of kings, Haldir the captain guard of the Lorien elves.......so many, many more. But spending more and more time with these men, she had slowly forgotten their charisma and splendor and had begun to think of them as friends, brothers or relatives. She had played tricks on them, or belittled them, even yelled at them, or flirted occasionally for the fun of it. And in their warm acceptance, they had responded to that.........until Irulan had almost completely forgotten what they were. Then suddenly she had seen masses kneeling to her father, or Gandalf defeating a Balrog, or Aragorn leading her into battle and she had felt utterly stupefied by her blindness. These were not her brothers! These were not her friends! Yes, they were of course, but they were far beyond that and she had become completely blind to that fact! The revelation and remembering was always like a slap in the face.  
  
As she stood that morning facing Legolas, she finally saw the truth she had failed to see throughout most of their relationship: Legolas was nothing like she had believed him to be all this time. Next to her, he was almost divine. He was of a completely different race, incomparable to her in his wisdom, grace and maturity. Her life was a fleeting and ironic moment compared to his long years in this world. Her ideas were all old and used up to his mind. Her perception was drastically narrow and shallow compared to his vision. No matter how many times he apologized to her or begged for forgiveness, his all being spoke of power and strength. No matter how willingly he reduced himself to her level, he would always remain a demigod to her.  
  
"You don't make me uncomfortable," she said very slowly. And it was a lie. She wanted to tell him all that she saw when she looked at him - his glamour, his divinity, his radiance. She wanted to tell him that she was incapable of understanding and accepting being loved by a creature like that - very much less accepting any kind of relationship between them. That in truth he did indeed make her feel more uncomfortable than anyone had ever managed to; that his every look and every touch drove off all logic and reason and sense from her instantly. That she hated him for this burden he was putting on her while she had still so many other burdens to juggle; and yet, that she felt like Middle Earth itself would moan with grief and loss if he decided to vanish.  
  
She realized that Legolas was still looking at her with that piercing gaze of his and lowered her head. "I.........I am only.......confused," she sighed finally in despair. At least it was not a lie. Only a huge understatement, that's all. Thankfully at that moment Gimli yelled a complaint about his empty stomach and thereby broke the spell. Irulan brought up her hand to her face, biting her lips. She had almost cried out in surprise. 'I have become so jumpy!' she thought with bitter amusement. Legolas chuckled lightly and they both walked up towards the camp with a comfortable distance between them......  
  
***  
  
She came back to the present and realized that neither the company nor the pace had changed. They were still running through the same accursed landscape. 'Gandalf died, and I went on with the journey,' she thought bitterly. 'Boromir died and I went on with the journey. Frodo and Sam left; Merry and Pippin were kidnapped by Uruk-hai, and yet the journey continues. But, alas, an elf kissed me and the journey has meaning no more! How is that POSSIBLE?!'  
  
"I will run ahead a little," Legolas said suddenly to the party, "the hills are not too steep anymore. Maybe I can see them from this distance."  
  
With that, he increased his pace and was already off a good distance in minutes. Irulan shook her head. 'He is completely beyond me in EVERYTHING,' she thought bitterly. The company of three kept on running silently for a while. And just when she was about to give in to another torment of her own crowded and sinister world of thoughts and memories, she heard Aragorn right beside her: "Irulan, are you alright?"  
  
"Huh?..........oh...yes, sure," she said, surprised, "of course. I don't feel the pain in my ankle anymore."  
  
He looked at her with blank eyes and then added "I did not mean your ankle."  
  
Irulan glanced back at him and tried to read his expression, all the time trying not to step on something that would send her flying off on her face. "The effects of Shifting have vanished a long time ago, Aragorn. I am rested," she said finally.  
  
Aragorn glanced ahead for a moment in silence, then turned back to her, "I did not mean that, either."  
  
Irulan forgot to look ahead and stumbled on a piece of rock, then quickly gaining her balance, kept her pace. "Well, what DO you mean, then?" she said with impatience. But when Aragorn kept only looking at her without a word, it dawned on her: "Oh...Aragorn no, it's not what you think. We did not fight or anything. And no, I did not offend him, or break his heart or anything."  
  
"But you did not mend it, either," he said slowly, still with that odd blank expression on his face.  
  
Irulan stopped running. She could not help it. Aragorn ran ahead for a few steps, then stopped as well. Gimli, who was following from behind finally caught up to them as a bundle of sweat and effort. They did not see him though, because the man and the woman were too busy staring at each other with looks that would kill another being easily enough. Gimli realized the odd silence and stopped muttering, looking from one to the other.  
  
Finally Irulan gave in. As insistent as she could be, she was no match for Aragorn. She slowly shook her head and continued to walk. Aragorn and Gimli looked at each other and began to walk as well. They had all reached the point of exertion anyway. Irulan glanced ahead but Legolas was nowhere to be seen. He might as well be off towards the right or the left, scanning the horizon over some boulders. They walked along for another short while, not speaking. Finally Aragorn broke the silence: "So he finally told you?"  
  
Irulan almost missed another step again. She turned to the man, her face bearing an expression of utter shock and surprise. By some odd miracle her body kept walking without her being aware of it. "What?" she whispered. Aragorn, though, pretended not to hear her. "He FINALLY told me?" she said, this time a trifle louder. Her eyes widened even further when she saw Aragorn and Gimli exchange looks. She stared from one to the other and back. "You....you knew," she said with disbelief.  
  
They looked at each other again and it looked very much like a painful debate as to who would die first. Finally Gimli decided to play the courageous one today. "EVERYBODY knew, Irulan."  
  
This time Irulan actually stopped. The men realized that she was not walking next to them any longer and turned around. Irulan had remained behind, looking at the ground, but not seeing anything, lost in confusion. A moment later she realized what she was doing and dreamily began to walk again. She almost ran the last few steps towards them and both Aragorn and Gimli literally took a step back.  
  
"What do you mean, 'everybody knew'?" she hissed at them.  
  
The duo exchanged painful glances again. "Irulan, we all knew he was in love with you," said Aragorn finally with a very careful tone, his eyes never leaving hers.  
  
Irulan's mouth dropped open. It just did not sink in. 'Everybody' as in the WHOLE Fellowship?! Oh no, that could not be true! "You mean...you mean he TOLD you?" she murmured a moment later, a part of her brain still racing through the voyage and each and every member and every single suspicious situation or conversation she had had with them. But in her confusion, she could not really focus on any one of those memories.  
  
"No, he did not tell us," said Gimli with a sigh. "But it was kind of hard to miss!"  
  
Irulan looked down to him with utter confusion that slowly turned into something like anger. "Hard to miss, was it?" she whispered slowly and both Aragorn and Gimli almost winced. Aragorn seriously considered kicking the dwarf, but another look at Irulan brought him back to reality.  
  
He cleared his throat and began to walk again, beckoning her to follow. "It was rather obvious for us, Irulan," he said as soft as possible. "Because...well you see...first of all, you were the youngest on the Fellowship. Much younger than any of us." He almost exhaled with relief of having found a coherent reason. He glanced down at Gimli who had changed places with him, walking off to the very right and leaving Aragorn in the middle.  
  
"Yes," the dwarf said, "true. Not to mention that you are a woman."  
  
Aragorn's eyes widened with disbelief and he thought 'Oh this time you will be kicked for sure!' when the dwarf hastily added: "And a man's feelings are more obvious to men." Gimli closed his eyes in relief and held on to his axe stronger. Aragorn, too, felt like sighing with relief but controlled the urge and turned left to see how Irulan was feeling. She seemed to be convinced, for their statements had sent her to another state of confusion, her mind obviously racing through the past, her eyes dreamy and not seeing the present.  
  
"Since when...?" she said suddenly and the anger in her voice had disappeared.  
  
"Since the very beginning," said Aragorn, much more at ease now, "since you revealed your identity."  
  
Irulan's head snapped up in surprise. "What?" She tried to remember Legolas' reaction to her revelation and tried to capture the day, but in her present state of mind it evaded her, skipping to and fro and easily dodging her grasp.  
  
"But that's not important," said Aragorn hastily, not wanting her to stray too far and come to other silly conclusions. However, he was too late. Although at the moment Irulan's mind had difficulty with memories, her judgment and deduction capabilities were very much intact.  
  
"And all this time...you....never told me," she said finally and looked up at them. She had such a dark look on her face, both Aragorn and Gimli diverted their looks and swallowed softly. 'Damn! She's too fast!' thought Aragorn with desperation. 'I should know better. After all those years with Arwen, it's plain stupidity to take them so lightly!'  
  
"Irulan," said Gimli and broke his train of thoughts, "we could not tell you."  
  
"Oh I see," she said sweetly and it sounded so very, very dangerous, "after all, you were MEN, am I right?" They both opened their mouths to protest, but Irulan was not about to give them the chance: "YOU were the Fellowship. I was never a part of it, was I? I was the silly little princess, the naïve, stupid girl who, by accident, decided to trail along!"  
  
"Now really.." began Gimli, but Irulan raised her voice and continued: "But no, of course, I was more than that! Because I was also the source of your entertainment and fun! On a quest like this, with wicked hearts and bleak minds, what would you do if you had nothing to keep you busy?" Aragorn and Gimli paled and gulped.  
  
"You pick someone amongst you -the weakest and youngest one is always a good pick- and you play little tricks on her! You pretend that she is one of you, but in reality you just come together and laugh behind her back while she is making a complete fool of herself!" she hissed.  
  
"Irulan.." tried Aragon, now very nervous about where this conversation was leading, but Irulan was not going to let go that easily: "Friends! Friends indeed, Aragorn! 'We are a Fellowhip, Irulan'," she mimicked his voice, now anger taking an obvious hold on her, "..'I will leave none behind, Irulan!' Sure, especially the little source of public amusement should NEVER be left behind!" she said, and her voice was dangerously close to a snarl now.  
  
"Listen you woman -......" said Gimli, but with no success.  
  
"Listen to what, Gimli?!" she shouted back and Gimli DID wince this time. "Listen to you telling me how I can't leave? How you won't leave me behind? Listen to your sweet words of friendship that were nothing but a string of LIES?!" Okay, now she WAS shrieking.  
  
The men almost jumped and increased their pace. 'If we can't stop her from exploding, we might as well run her out,' thought Aragorn and was about to increase his pace when he realized the sudden silence. He turned slowly to Irulan and she was staring back at him with confusion again. The anger and the dark look on her face had disappeared suddenly. And that was not good. Not good at ALL! He was about to turn to Gimli and whisper 'Run for your life!', when Irulan began to speak again softly, and he realized that their doom was sealed.  
  
"Oh Heavens!......" she whispered, and Aragorn closed his eyes. "Oh Heavens....the whole..." He was watching her from the corner of his eye and saw her lifting her hand to trace one of the braids in her hair. Exactly at that moment Gimli grasped his arm. Aragorn looked down at him and felt like laughing out loud at his expression. He would have, too. If he was not about to die, that is.  
  
The men walked a little ahead just to make sure to leave a comfortable distance between them. "The whole incident with...." Irulan looked up and she could swear that she saw both men shrink back slightly. "Tell me that you didn't," she said slowly with a very low voice. Dwarf and man looked at each other and then back at her. They remained silent, though.  
  
"Tell me you didn't do it on purpose," said Irulan, never blinking and not moving a muscle. They remained like that for a long time. Irulan felt an immense anger along with a cruel disappointment taking hold of her. She was standing still, but inside she was shaking frantically. She felt so betrayed, so....used. She had trusted these men and they had played with her. Played with her feelings and her ignorance! She swallowed and blinked the tears away. Finally, knowing what the answer was only too well, she saw no point in standing there any longer. She turned around and walked by them. A moment later she was running again, not looking back. The sun had begun to set and she felt like it was bleeding along with her.  
  
Aragorn and Gimli stood looking behind her back. "Damn!" whispered Aragorn, massaging his face, "Damn! We really messed up this time, Gimli."  
  
"Ah please!" boomed the dwarf, but it sounded very hollow, "She'll forget it by tomorrow. The day after that we will be laughing about it!"  
  
Aragorn removed his hand and looked down at him with anger seeping from his eyes. "Are you a fool or do you take me for one?" he said finally.  
  
The dwarf shifted uneasily and began to walk for the sake of doing something. "Well...alright, alright...Maybe it'll take a little longer this time."  
  
"Longer?!" erupted Aragorn with desperation, "Indeed! It'll take until the ends of eternity, Gimli! And if we are reborn again and meet in different bodies, she will most certainly remember and STILL not forgive!"  
  
Gimli squirmed some more, but refused to give in. "She can't hold a grudge for that long!"  
  
"She is a WOMAN, you dwarf! Obviously I was a fool to believe you knew them better than I do," Aragorn said with a low voice.  
  
"Did I say I KNOW women?" boomed Gimli suddenly. "No! I said I OBSERVED them! OBSERVE, as in LOOK! NOBODY knows women!" he yelled.  
  
"What is going on?" broke in Legolas suddenly and both men froze. They turned towards the voice. The elf was poised on a large rock a little to their left, looking down at them. He scanned right and left for a moment and added "Where is Irulan?"  
  
Both men looked at each other and instead of answering, turned around and began to run with a slow pace. Legolas jumped gracefully from the boulder and joined them, looking from one to the other and every now and then around, in hope to see her. "She ran ahead," Aragorn said finally.  
  
"Alone?" gasped Legolas and looked at them again, but none would meet his gaze. "I should join her then," he said a moment later, "she should not run alone."  
  
"No, don't," said Gimli hastily. When Legolas pinned him with his gaze and did not look away for a while, he reluctantly added, "She might want to be alone for a while now."  
  
A long silence set in during which only the footsteps and the harsh breathing of the dwarf and the man could be heard. "What has happened?" said Legolas finally with a serious voice and it was obvious that he either expected an answer or would run up to Irulan to get one from her.  
  
Aragorn winced with that idea - it was more than suicidal at the moment. He sighed finally and said "We....we made a mistake." He turned to glance at Legolas and although the elf would look perfectly expressionless to many eyes at that moment, Aragorn was raised by elves and saw the worry blooming there. "And Gimli will explain to you exactly why," he added hastily, and knowing that Gimli could never catch up to him, ran as if the Dark Lord himself was after him, leaving elf and dwarf behind.  
  
***  
  
"Irulan, for the last time, stop you feisty woman!" yelled Aragorn, but Irulan seemed to run even faster at his shouting. He mumbled a curse and increased his pace to catch up with her. His lungs were burning, his muscles aching beyond anything, and yet, he had to stop her before Legolas came and she made another big mistake. Not to mention, a mistake because of HIM! Actually it was all Gimli's fault but nevertheless, he would take responsibility as well.  
  
Lucky for him that Irulan's ankle was still not completely healed. Otherwise Aragorn could have run at top speed for hours and still not catch up to her. But with her swollen ankle, Irulan was still too slow. Finally he reached her side and began to run along. "Irulan," he tried again, but she did not respond or look. Women!  
  
"Irulan, stop now!" he said and he said it as Aragorn, leader of the group, because he knew that it had an effect on her. Indeed, Irulan glanced at him and seeing his face serious as well, she very slowly relented and slowed down. It took them minutes to slow down completely and begin to walk again, but that was still better than Aragorn had hoped. Irulan would still not look at him, though. She was all red, wet and panting from the running and by the looks of it, that ankle must be hurting like hell, but she gave no indication of the pain.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said finally and although Irulan was determined NEVER EVER to forgive him, hearing that word from Aragorn made funny things to her. 'Oh no!' she moaned silently, 'Don't you give in, girl!' She cast a sidelong glance at him and knew she could not win when he was looking at her like that. She quickly turned her head.  
  
"Irulan," he said again and touched her arm, "I really am sorry. I was only trying to...to...." Aragorn battled with himself for a moment whether to say it or not, but eventually seeing that she would never relent if he did not, he decided to use his last chance. After all, after messing up this bad, he could not bring more harm than he already did. "..to save Legolas' life."  
  
Irulan's head snapped around and she forgot all about the grudge for a moment. "What?"  
  
Aragorn risked to slow their walking pace even further and lucky for him, Irulan unconsciously followed his lead. He looked at her then, "His life, Irulan," he said.  
  
"I heard you!" she said a little angry now, but hastily continued, "What do you mean by that?"  
  
Aragorn sighed. 'May Valar forgive me! I shall never stick my nose into somebody else's relationship again!' he vowed silently. "Legolas is dying, Irulan," he said finally.  
  
"WHAT?!" Irulan stopped completely. She scanned his face, for the first time hoping that he was lying, but Aragorn -as always- was not lying. Something very funny happened to her heart - it stopped completely. She hastily walked up to the man and almost grabbed him by the shoulders. "What are you talking about?" she shouted.  
  
Aragorn quickly looked in the direction they had come from and seeing that neither elf nor dwarf were in sight yet, took her arm and pulled her along for a swift walk again. He needed more time. Irulan, too, glanced back now, realizing his intention and began to keep pace with him.  
  
"I did not want to tell you. It is not for me to tell," said Aragorn. 'Like a lot of things, actually' he thought bitterly and once more begged Valar's forgiveness silently. "I can see it in his eyes, Irulan. I think finally he realized it himself, too. That's why probably he has decided to tell you."  
  
Irulan just kept looking at him with a very blank expression. Her mouth hung open, her eyes were glazed and expressionless. "Wh...Aragorn elves are immortal!" she said finally, saying the first thing that came to her mind, perfectly aware that Aragorn must know that detail!  
  
"I know," said Aragorn and in his haste, did not linger on that rather stupid comment too long, "but they can die of a lethal wound or....of Grief."  
  
"Grief.." whispered Irulan, still not understanding a single thing. She knew what Grief was, of course, but she no had idea what that had to do with Legolas. Her brows knotted slowly and she looked at Aragorn, who was still glancing over his shoulder for the approach of the duo. 'Legolas might actually kill the dwarf,' he thought suddenly, 'and why is that not a bad idea?'  
  
"Why would Legolas feel Grief?" Irulan said and he broke his gaze to look at her.  
  
"Irulan, I really don't have time for this. Use your brain, woman! The elf loves you."  
  
"I know," said Irulan and threw him a sour look, "even though I am the last one to know, I know," she added bitterly.  
  
"Irulan," said Aragorn suddenly and walked up to her. She had stopped and turned towards him as well and the ranger put his hands on her shoulders. He looked into her eyes and everything that Irulan had been feeling suddenly took flight. She was left with nothing but sincere fear. Aragorn was telling the truth! Legolas was dying! 'NO!' screamed her mind. 'NO! NO! NO!'  
  
"You don't understand elves. They don't love like humans. He loves you more than you ever will be capable of loving anything in your entire life. Much more!" He waited a moment for his words to sink in. And suddenly the thought of Arwen hit him. 'I told her to take the ship to Valinor,' he thought slowly and his heart missed a beat. Could it be that Arwen too...could she feel... Aragorn swiftly stuffed away that thought. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to stop the world from spinning. When he looked up again, Irulan was staring back at him with perfect fear and horror.  
  
"He thinks you will not return that love," he said, but his voice was failing him, for once more he thought about Arwen. "He...." he began again, and the pain swelled up in him, threatening to suffocate him. He swallowed hard and forced himself to go on, although his lungs refused to breathe now. "He thinks you will deny him a relationship." He looked up at Irulan and saw her tears rolling down, although she did not seem to be crying. And then he realized that she was reacting to his own tears rolling down his cheeks. He wanted to tell her that it was alright, that he was thinking of something else, but there was no way he could make an explanation like that at the moment.  
  
Irulan had never been so afraid in her entire life. Aragorn was crying and every word, every tear made her fear into something bigger, until it enclosed her and blocked out the sun. A darkness descended on her, so fiercely that it brushed aside all memory of sunny days. Suddenly it felt like it had always been dark and it would always be, till eternity.  
  
"And..." said Aragorn, now letting go of her shoulder and stepping back a little, wiping his tears. He swallowed again. "And..he does not want to live....anymore," he finished with a whisper. In his mind, Arwen was looking at him with such sadness in her eyes. He had betrayed her. He had left her to die!  
  
"Aragorn, please don't cry," said Irulan and she sounded exactly seven years old. Aragorn waved his hand and took a deep breath. "No...I'm fine. It's just....Arwen too..." he said and this time could really not go on any further.  
  
Irulan stepped up to him, her eyes pools of alarm and fear. "What? What happened to Arwen?" she whispered urgently.  
  
"I told her it's over," he whispered back and against all odds, began to sob silently. Irulan looked at him for a long moment, then suddenly she understood what he was saying and unconsciously she clasped a hand over her mouth. Arwen would die because Aragorn had rejected her. Legolas was dying because she was rejecting him. 'Hetaire is wrong' she thought suddenly, as absurd and out of place that thought was at that moment. 'Love is real. It is so real, that it can be lethal. That stupid woman has no idea!'  
  
Very slowly her hand went out and she touched Aragorn's head. His hand was covering his face and his head was tilted down, but she knew he was crying like herself. "Aragorn," she whispered, so much sadness in her voice that even she herself had a hard time recognizing it, "Aragorn, what have we done?" Aragorn did not look up but began to shake ever so slightly. She could not take it any longer; she went up to him and embraced him as if her life depended on it. She was so lost in her pain that she did not even feel him embrace her back.  
  
And so it was that Legolas and Gimli found the pair of mighty warriors clutching at each other in the middle of nowhere, amongst ruins and rocks, under a setting twilight, crying as if the whole world was dying before their very eyes. And to them, it was. 


	36. I Am Bathed In Your Light

I am blessed with the best reviewers and readers in the entire world! Your kindness pulls me through this! TTT was a movie with very little interaction between the characters. I changed that in my work. Besides, this is sort of a spin-off of the movie, so I don't feel like I have to follow it exactly. The whole point is to write something different, after all. So as we delve deeper into the world and relationships between the characters, the story of the Ring might fall further back to the background sometimes. It is inevitable, really. Besides, everyone knows that story. The world needs to know Irulan's story! :)  
  
Surprising that many thought the recent chapter was so sad. It was, true, but I was aiming to write something more hilarious and uplifting...looks like everything I do tends to come out sad lately :) But then, it's understandable. After all, it is a sad tale. Thank you Spencer, I fixed the Uruk-hai thing. Thanks Basil and keep warning me.  
  
Ha ha....and so many exhaled in relief with that first...err..actually second kiss! I know, I know...34 chapters! That's A LOT. But would it be so deliciously overwhelming if it had not taken this long? Ha ha...alright...another interpretation is that I'm cruel. Sigh...what can I do?  
  
This chapter was written once again to the theme of A Beautiful Mind, "All Love Can Be", sung by Charlotte Church. Especially the second half of it. And both the music and the lyrics go immensely well with it. Download and listen if you can, I'm sure you'll agree. Dear evenstar, the poems or haikus or excerpts added to the chapters are simply amazing stuff I happen to stumble upon during my reading adventures. I do not know of a site or book I can direct you to.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The camp was so silent that the crackling fire seemed to be too loud. Aragorn had gone hunting and had brought back a deer, but the only one really eating was Gimli. Aragorn had finally said that he will take a walk and left the camp. Gimli was so busy eating his meal; he was no good company for anyone. Irulan looked horrible and excused herself, walking towards the opposite direction the ranger had disappeared to. Legolas had watched her leave, unable to stop her and again unable to ask her if he could join. He was not expecting Irulan to return the feelings he was feeling for her. He also knew that at this moment she probably hated him for putting her through even more than she was already going through. And yet, he had silently and secretly hoped that, although she felt nothing for him, she would at least let him be close to her, let him walk along with her for the remaining part of the journey. Legolas sighed with sadness and sat back, facing the fire.  
  
Suddenly he heard Irulan come stumbling back from the darkness and he jumped up to his feet with concern.  
  
"Legolas!" she said and walked up to him, stopping at a comfortable distance. He was already on his feet and took a step towards her, but then hesitated and stopped.  
  
"Yes, Irulan? Is something wrong?" he asked with mild worry.  
  
"Oh.......no," she said and looked nervously around for a moment. "I was only......I meant to ask you......if you want to come along." Legolas stared back at her with such disbelief that she felt like she had to say something else as well: "It is rather dark out there........and I don't want to break my ankle." Then she almost moaned and hastily added: "Not that I want to use you solely for that purpose or anything.........but........ah whatever!" she said finally and prepared to leave. 'Stupid woman! Why don't you think before you do something?'  
  
But Legolas was already by her side, smiling down at her. "Of course! It is a pleasure," he said softly.  
  
"Alright," she said slowly and tucked at the hem of her tunic, threw a last look at Gimli, but the dwarf was not even aware of their presence, then she turned around and began walking. It was not a lie - it was quite dark where she intented to walk, for it led in some sort of narrow valley with high rocks around it, blocking the moonlight. Not that she was really watching where she was going, anyway. Her mind was too occupied for that. Besides, asking Legolas was a good idea, but having him with her here was definitely a bad one. She felt incredibly nervous. And of course she stumbled. Thankfully Legolas was quick enough and caught her elbow before she could fall.  
  
"Irulan be careful," he said softly and let go of her elbow. They stood like that for a moment, not knowing what to do, when Legolas finally said "Maybe I should lead?"  
  
"Yes, please," whispered Irulan slowly.  
  
"Would you hold my hand?"  
  
Irulan took his extended hand, not having much of an option. True, she could always say 'No Legolas, I don't want to touch your damn hand!', but she thought it might not be a bright idea right now. Why did she come out here anyway? They could barely walk on this horrible terrain and it was not helping to ease her mind as it was supposed to.  
  
Legolas, on the other hand, could not remember the last time he had felt such utter happiness. Irulan had actually asked him to come along! And she had asked him to lead! And she had taken his hand willingly! He felt like the whole universe exploded in him, over and over again. He might die tomorrow but he would not regret it, for he was walking with her now hand in hand. And what a relief that was! He felt life draining from him with every minute he could not feel her skin, only to be restored with a simple touch.  
  
Legolas, like all elves, had been much more reserved, especially when it came to physical contact. He had even gone as far as complaining about and smirking at the human habit of touching. He had said that it was discomforting and actually a threat to health, since humans -unlike elves- were prey to diseases. But then Irulan had embraced him by the river Anduin and his whole world had changed. 'Maybe my whole life will be a story of punishment for the things I have belittled and disapproved,' he thought suddenly, but his present mood and condition made that comment look very far from bad. 'Maybe I will become completely human by the end of this quest,' he thought and chuckled lightly at the thought.  
  
"What's so funny?" Irulan said from behind him.  
  
"Nothing," said Legolas, still smiling, "me," he added a moment later. Just a few days ago he had felt all happiness leave him and he had believed that he would never feel it again. He had laughed along with the others, but in his heart, joy had begun to die - although it had taken him longer than usual to realize it. If his thoughts were not distracted, he would have realized the matter much earlier. But after such sadness, once again he was feeling peace and enjoyment. All because a very curious young mortal was holding his hand and had asked him for guidance. He shook his head very slightly. 'I am a stranger to myself,' he thought in amazement. After three thousand years, he discovered he was nothing like the elf he thought he was.  
  
"Legolas?" Irulan asked from behind him, "do you ever feel tired?"  
  
He turned around in astonishment. "Oh, forgive me Irulan," he said suddenly, "I am dragging you along without thought. You must be exhausted from all the running." He kept forgetting that mortals tired far earlier and needed much more rest than elves - even though he had been with them for such a long time now.  
  
"No, no," she said and waved her hand, "that's not what I meant." She looked up at him and although it was dark, he could see her beautiful smile clearly and his heart took a leap. "I meant.........tired," she said, emphasizing the word.  
  
He thought for a moment (although it was beyond difficult to do so when she was so close to him) and said "You mean......tired in the soul?"  
  
"Yes," said Irulan and beckoned him to walk on.  
  
"There are times when my soul seems very heavy," he said slowly as he resumed his walk, "and when the light of life seems to be diminished."  
  
"Oh," she said, and it made her very nervous.  
  
"I feel very tired, too," she said finally, and immediately clasped her hand on her mouth. She had been so focused on understanding what he was going through, she had given away something she had not really meant to. He turned back to look at her and she swiftly removed her hand, trying to look as expressionless as possible. Although he could probably read her like a book, even in this darkness. A long moment passed and finally Irulan shrugged and smiled nervously. "Can we move on?"  
  
Legolas did not move for another moment but then reluctantly turned around and once again began to gently pull her along. Irulan felt relief and tried to calm herself. A silence set in. "Why?" he said suddenly, this time his voice filled with much more emotion than it had been a moment ago.  
  
Irulan rolled her eyes. 'Suits you right!' she thought with frustration. 'Now you'll NEVER be able to stop his ranting. And if you do, it'll just keep on eating him up inside and he'll feel............anyway,' she finished hastily. 'I wonder if I can lie to him?' she thought suddenly. But something in her gave off a very sharp pain at that thought and Irulan stopped in amazement. 'What is that pain? Why is that?' she thought in confusion. Legolas stopped immediately too, of course and was watching her features. She was obviously lost in thought and he did not feel like disturbing her. Eventually Irulan looked up him, startled to see him standing there, and quickly resumed the difficult process of walking in the dark again. Legolas, naturally, turned around and began to lead her out into the light. They were very close to a rather good spot where they could lean on some smaller boulders and watch the sky.  
  
"Irulan........I worry for you," he said solemnly.  
  
'Yeah, I noticed,' she thought bitterly. 'That is the WHOLE PROBLEM, you elf!' They had reached the clearing and Irulan found herself suddenly washed over with bluish white light. She looked around her, stupefied by the effect. It was the perfect spot. They were standing on a hill that was overlooking the valley and stood in the light because it was higher than the rest. Legolas gently led her towards a group of boulders and she sat down with him, resting her back on them.  
  
"What are you so afraid of?" he said when they had settled down and Irulan could not help herself turning around and staring at him. He was sitting very close to her, to her right, his back resting on the rock beside her, one leg outstretched, the other bent and his arm resting on it, his body slightly turned towards her with that movement, another one of those intense looks on his face.  
  
"Afraid?" she said slowly.  
  
"I can see it in your eyes," Legolas said slowly.  
  
"Legolas, that's rude, you know," she said finally. He seemed taken aback by it.  
  
"What is?"  
  
"Always asking questions like that," she said and felt amusement at his darkening features.  
  
"Oh," he said and looked away.  
  
"Unless you are willing to answer some yourself," she said, barely holding back a grin now.  
  
He looked back at her in surprise but unfortunately caught her grin. "I see," he said softly. "Then I shall oblige. Only it is my turn to ask."  
  
"Huh? Why's that?" protested Irulan.  
  
"Because you just asked me if I ever felt tired and I answered. And yet, you did not answer my question as to why YOU felt tired."  
  
"Oh......" said Irulan. 'Darn elves! Don't they ever get confused?' Legolas watched her features twist with displeasure. It was such a wonderful sight to see her face change like that!  
  
"Tell me about your years with the Darma Druids," he said finally, not wishing to torture her any longer.  
  
"The Darma Druids?" she said with surprise.  
  
"Yes," he said softly, "I know so little about your life. I wish to hear more."  
  
Irulan looked at him with annoyance. That was not a question! Not one that she could answer with a simple yes or no anyway. But she had promised herself to make things easier on Legolas as much as she could. He could not die! Especially because of her! Not that she had the slightest idea how she could possibly fix something like that, but she still wanted to ease his mind as much as she could. "Alright," she said and slightly leaned back to make herself comfortable. "What do you want to know?"  
  
"How was daily life for you?" he said and glided down until he was lying beside her, propped up on his elbow, looking up at her. 'Obviously he is going to make this a VERY detailed explanation,' she thought with annoyance.  
  
"Well......it was alright.....Ah what the heck, I hated the whole cleaning thing! Cooking was not so bad, but the cleaning! The endless dusting and swiping and washing!......" she rolled her eyes and Legolas laughed softly.  
  
"Why would you do that?" he asked with a childish curiosity, "Was it a part of the training?"  
  
She looked down at him bitterly. "Stop it, Legolas! What training? It's what you do as a housewife, that's why!"  
  
"A housewife?" he said with utter surprise and a grin spread on his beautiful lips, "I really can not imagine you in that state!"  
  
"Well I did not look much like one, as much as I tried, anyway. As a matter of fact, I am surprised Hasmir never suspected anything." She instantly stopped and gulped. "Anyway, so the whole daily life thing........"  
  
"Wait a minute," said Legolas to her demise, "who was Hasmir?"  
  
"Someone," she said idly but it sounded very forced even to her own ears. "I was talking about the........"  
  
"Someone like who?" said Legolas. She looked down at him with irritation and he was looking up at her with a strange expression.  
  
"One question at a time, Legolas. I can hardly talk when you keep interrupting me," she said slowly, trying to sound very neutral, but sounding nervous nevertheless.  
  
Legolas slowly sat up and he was so close, looking into her eyes, she quickly looked away. "Why won't you answer?" he said slowly.  
  
"I am answering," she said defiantly. It was so uncomfortably hot suddenly. Irulan took another deep breath and resisting the urge to rip off some grass (that would seal all suspicion for sure), looked at the sky.  
  
"Alright then," Legolas said very slowly, "who was Hasmir?"  
  
Irulan grinded her teeth and exhaled softly. She thought again about lying, but soon dispensed that idea, because that odd pain was still shrieking with the thought. "He was someone I lived with, for a while," she said with a low voice, not looking at him. And Irulan realized that Hasmir was pretty much that. She almost shuddered at the thought of having to share a lifetime with someone like that - no matter how nice a person he had been. A tense silence settled in and she hastily went on: "Anyway, about the Druids..........."  
  
"He was your lover," Legolas said, and his tone of voice was so strange that she turned around to look. He was sitting in indian style now, and not leaning back on the boulders next to her, but facing her. Worse, he was looking at her with a blue fire in his eyes that made all the hair on Irulan's arms stand up softly. Why, he almost looked........angry. 'Isn't that too typical human?' she thought suddenly. 'Elves are supposed to be........finer.......or not?'  
  
Irulan swallowed softly and looked away again. "I guess........I guess you could say that," she said and was surprised that she did not die during the process. She took a deep breath and went on: "Alright. There were three Druids in the town I was staying........"  
  
"Was he your lover or not?" Legolas said with that odd tone again.  
  
Irulan rolled her eyes. 'This is not going well at all! I was supposed to make him feel better, not get rolled over by his strange attitude and pushed into corners!' She cast a sidelong glance at Legolas and sighed unconsciously. 'He can DIE Irulan, so stop with the stupidity!' she thought with frustration. "He was my lover," she said as soft as she could, but it sounded edgy nevertheless. She could swear that she saw the fire in Legolas' eyes light up even brighter - if such a thing was even possible. "Can I continue now?" she said, nervous, although there was absolutely no reason to be so.  
  
"No. Did you love him?" Legolas said. And he absolutely looked nothing like the kind and gentle elf who had led her here. Irulan knew that he would never harm or hurt her in any way, but she suddenly felt oddly nervous to be sitting here with him in such a desolated place. 'I guess it's a good thing we are on the same side in this war,' she thought.  
  
"Legolas, what kind of a question is that?" she said with exasperation.  
  
"It is a very simple question," he said, his eyes never leaving hers.  
  
"I do not wish to answer it," she said with a tinge of anger.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because I do not wish to," she said, hoping to end the discussion. When he became unnaturally silent, she turned to look at him and he was still looking at her with that ghastly look, not blinking and not moving a hair. 'Stupid elf!' she thought, angry now. 'He is dying and he all he cares about is whether I loved Hasmir or not. Why are men the way they are!?' Legolas looked away then, but his tenseness prevailed. Irulan almost moaned with desperation. She sat up a little and took his hand into hers. That always seemed to make him feel better. Legolas was surprised to feel her touch and looked at her with mild astonishment.  
  
"Legolas, I did love him," she said slowly, her eyes not leaving his and she felt his hand become as rigid as a stone, "the way I love a friend." Legolas looked at her with such intensity that she found it hard not to look away. But she kept responding to his gaze, hoping that he would see the sincerity of her words. Very slowly he relaxed and then slightly nodded. He did not let go of her hand, though. 'I very much thought so,' she said to herself.  
  
"Then why did you live with him?" he said this time, not as fierce as before, but nevertheless soaked with warm anger.  
  
"Well.......it was.......he was chosen by the Sisters," she stammered.  
  
"Chosen for what?"  
  
'I REALLY have to pick out my words more carefully!' she thought bitterly. 'But the damn effect he is having on me makes it difficult!'  
  
"You know........" she said and softly pulled her hand, but Legolas pretended not to feel it and did not let go. She finally gave up, very close to desperation now, and blurted "For marriage!"  
  
Legolas squeezed her hand so hard, it actually hurt. She looked up at him and he looked completely terrified. "You........married him?" he said with perfect horror.  
  
"No!" she said quickly and tried to ignore the pain in her hand, "No. They meant us to, but I did not wish to." She tried softly to pull out of his grip again and that's when he became aware of her hand and gasped with disbelief and immediately released the pressure.  
  
"Oh no!" he said, and it sounded like that world had come to an end, "Oh no.......Irulan, forgive me!"  
  
"Legolas, don't be ridiculous, it's alright, really....." she meant to go on but her sentence was cut off abruptly by the feeling of his lips on her palm. She felt a wave of heat hitting her again and jumped up with the effect. Legolas though was too busy kissing her hand to notice. And it was having such an unbelievable effect on her, she felt like she would explode any moment. She tried to take away her hand again, and finally failing again, gasped "Don't.......please."  
  
He reluctantly stopped and looked up at her. There was such a fire in his eyes, Irulan felt like he could ignite her just by looking. "I hurt you," he said, but he sounded oddly distant.  
  
"No you didn't," whispered Irulan, unable to look away herself. 'Whatever happened to friendship?' she thought with frustration. 'It was so easy with him.......now try as I might, I can not go back to it. The intimacy is too strong!'  
  
"Yes I did," he whispered and Irulan had no idea how he had moved so close so fast. In an instant his face was right before hers, his blue eyes covered the whole sky. "You must despise me," he said, with that distant voice again, not moving at all.  
  
"I........I don't despise you, Legolas," she stammered and tried to sound calm. 'When did he become so bold?' she thought despite herself. 'He used to be shy. Or was that my imagination?'  
  
"Irulan....." he said softly, but she interrupted him, "No Legolas. No apologies."  
  
"I'm afraid you will never trust me again," he said finally. "I can not control myself when I am with you."  
  
Irulan almost laughed out loud at that. 'That I -ME- would have that effect like this on an elf! On Legolas himself!' She thought with astonishment. 'The world is such a mysterious place!'  
  
"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back, "I trust you more than anyone in my entire life!" And after saying that, she realized that it was true. 'That's really odd' she thought. But then.........not too odd. After all, in her eyes, Legolas was a perfect being in every way.  
  
He slightly moved back then and looked at her. Thankfully that blue fire was gone, though the intensity remained. "Is that true?" he whispered.  
  
"You think I would lie about something like that?"  
  
He smiled a genuine smile and another wave of admiration covered his face. "You trust me more than........Hasmir?" he said suddenly, knowing how stupid that sounded, but unable to keep himself from asking anyway.  
  
Irulan's eyes widened. She hit him softly on the shoulder. "What's wrong with you?!" she said, both laughing and mocking anger.  
  
"I am in love," he said, and he said it with such intensity, Irulan felt another warmness blooming up inside her. She quickly looked away, not wishing to meet his gaze now. Legolas smiled and gracefully moved back to his former spot again. It literally hurt to lose the touch, but he was afraid that he would make her feel uncomfortable and she would wish to leave.  
  
Suddenly Irulan murmured "Love does not exist," and she whispered it so softly, Legolas barely picked it up. He looked up at her with shock, but she was not looking at him. She was looking into the dark distance, lost in thought.  
  
"Why do you say such things?" he said softly with disbelief; unable to hold himself back. Love was the true center of life - all elves knew that. It was in every life-form, it was what life was built on. To deny that was like a curse to nature and life itself.  
  
Irulan snapped out of her trance and looked at him. "Oh........" she stammered, "it's........forget I said it." And the way she said that made Legolas absolutely sure that he had found something of grave importance about her. He did not know what it was, but he was so intensely focused on her, he easily perceived her every movement and feature, and Irulan was astonishingly disturbed by the present issue. Even more than that......Hasmir......matter. He quickly brushed that aside, lest it might cloud his mind again.  
  
"No, tell me," he said softly.  
  
She turned away and began to rip grass, which he had learned to be an expression of her discomfort and frustration. "Irulan," he said and softly touched her leg, "tell me."  
  
"Legolas, I'd really rather......"  
  
"Tell me or I shall kiss you again," he said and Irulan froze. Legolas almost smiled at her panic, but hid his amusement.  
  
"You possibly can NOT........"  
  
He swiftly sat up again and moved close. "You were saying?" he whispered and Irulan almost jumped back an arm length.  
  
"Legolas! That's not funny!" she said, very disturbed now, but he suspected that it was more due to her embarrassment about her drastic jump a moment ago rather than real anger.  
  
"I am not laughing," he said and smiled a sinister smile.  
  
"Alright, alright!" she said quickly and he waited a moment longer before he leaned back and assumed his former position, not looking away for a moment.  
  
Irulan swallowed hard and inched herself back to where she was sitting a moment ago again, all the time feeling terribly vulnerable. When she was finally sitting with her back to the boulder again, her legs stretched out before her, he leaned further back to grant her a comfortable distance and kept on looking at her with expectance.  
  
"It is something that Darma Druids say," she said finally and she looked almost in pain saying it.  
  
Legolas gasped. "How can they say that?" he protested softly.  
  
"Because.....it's distracting," she said and could only guess how stupid that must sound to an elf. Legolas just kept looking at her without blinking. Irulan sighed softly and began ripping grass again. "It is......forbidden in the guild."  
  
"Forbidden?" Legolas whispered with utter horror.  
  
"Well........not really forbidden maybe, but.......discouraged anyway." Actually it was much more than discouraged, but she did not want to make a big scene out of it right now. Legolas was already more than terrified by the idea. "You see....when you Shift," she said, looking up at the sky, "you don't feel or think or hear anything in the void. There is nothing. It is only a dance of cause and effect, of action and reaction."  
  
"But that is battle," he said, sounding a little confused.  
  
"Yes, battle."  
  
"But.......life is not just battle."  
  
Irulan slowly turned to look at him. 'This is exactly why elves can never become Darma Druids,' she thought with admiration. It was against their very nature. "I know. But........feelings also cloud your mind," she said and cast a sidelong glance at him.  
  
Legolas was thinking about his reaction moments ago. Indeed, feelings did cloud your mind. He could understand the discomfort of the Druids. And yet....it was the sign of life, was it not? Everything felt even before it thought - and sometimes only felt and never thought. Why, plants and some animals lived many years without a single thought but nevertheless feeling and thriving with the connection they had with the life around them. He had often touched the bark of a tree and felt it softly responding with pleasure to his touch.  
  
"Legolas.......like when you said......that you would not......kill me," she said and looked at him, but he did not react at all, only kept looking at her. "A Sister would say that your feelings for me are preventing you from doing the right thing." It sounded really stupid when she said it, probably because she did not believe in it too much herself. Hetaire would probably make more sense. Although.......she had failed to persuade Irulan....so........  
  
"Irulan," said Legolas softly and sat up again, holding her hand, "why didn't you tell me before?"  
  
"Tell you what?"  
  
"About this. These.........Druids," he said and the last word came out with open distaste. She opened her mouth to continue, but he stopped her, "They have tainted you."  
  
"Tainted me?" she said, baffled at that remark.  
  
Legolas nodded gravely. "They have cast a dark shadow on the light of your heart," and he softly touched her chest where her heart was, but it was a touch of utter gentleness and completely devoid of passion. "Now I know what is haunting your soul."  
  
"Legolas," began Irulan, thinking he was clearly overreacting now, and not to mention, reverting to a form a speech that sounded very strange to her; but Legolas hushed her with a simple gesture of his hand and continued:  
  
"You must believe me when I say this," he said and he looked very serious. Irulan could only nod under such a gaze.  
  
"How long have you lived with them?"  
  
"About three years......a little longer," she said. He pursed his lips in anger and looked away, grinding his teeth. He looked so concerned, she felt like she had to be, too.  
  
Finally Legolas looked back up at her and touched her cheek with a gentle care, as if he would touch a child. "All that time........you never felt love?" It was such an odd and unexpected question, Irulan really had no answer for it. She looked at him completely stupefied and he just looked back. Finally he seemed to take that as the very answer he was looking for and went on: "Why did you leave?"  
  
Irulan was still busy thinking about the former question. For a moment Hasmir sprang up in her mind.......but the more she thought about him, the more she discovered that she had not really loved him, but sought refuge in his gentleness from the coldness around her. He was warm and kind......and she had confused the gratitude she had felt for him with love. She had loved him......but not really.....not deeply. Not like Gandalf. Not like Eprim. Not like Boromir.  
  
Legolas touched her cheek again and she came back to the present. "Why did you leave?" he said again.  
  
"Well....." said Irulan, very confused about the whole thing now, "I just.......I just......." and suddenly she remembered her first night in Lothlorien. It came so abruptly, she answered before she thought about what she was saying: "........failed to change my heart," she finished, repeating what Galadriel had said to her. It had meant nothing at that moment, but now..............Legolas nodded and smiled up to her with such a warm expression, she felt really lost. 'What is going on?' she thought stupefied.  
  
"You chose love," he said and before she could tell him that she had not been really thinking in that line when she broke her oath to the Sisters, he swiftly moved up and placed a gentle kiss her on the lips. Irulan was so amazed by the whole thing; she did not even realize what was going on until he moved back again.  
  
"Legolas.........what is going on?" she said, trying hard to suppress the tumult he had caused inside her just a moment ago.  
  
"Irulan, I understand so much now," he said. "I should have asked earlier. Forgive me.........I was so caught up with myself, my own worries!" Irulan just kept on looking at him with amazement. She had lost all understanding about the issue a while ago and decided to let go of it altogether. If Legolas said so....it was probably true. She felt oddly relieved by that thought.  
  
"I shall heal you!" he said suddenly and pulled himself up to her again. Irulan tilted back slightly, to keep the comfortable distance between them.  
  
"Heal me?" she said with amusement, "Am I ill?"  
  
"Yes, you are," he said and nodded gravely, clasping her hand with both hands now. "And it might take many days or weeks, for you have remained with them too long. But fear not, I shall do everything in my power to release this pain from you." Legolas moved even closer to her and reached out to touch her face again, only this time it was not as innocent as it was a moment ago.  
  
"Fear not, for I am with you," he whispered, and something very odd happened. A heaviness lifted up from her chest and gently flew up and away. Irulan's eyes slightly widened at that feeling. She felt something flowing out and the coolness of the night flowing in there. She could not divert her eyes from Legolas, but she was absolutely sure that if she could, she would see something flying off from her, leaving her body. The feeling was so real that she gasped with surprise and slowly brought up her free hand to her heart. She was still looking at Legolas, but her mind was trying to understand what was going on inside her.  
  
Legolas smiled with utmost sincerity. "I have found my reason," he said softly, moving back slightly, "I will remain for you." Irulan was still thinking about what just had happened when she realized that he was talking about his Grief. And indeed, there was an odd aura around him. Irulan could not help herself staring at his illuminating radiance - she not only saw a strange light to him, but also FELT it emanating from him. Very much like she had seen/felt it while facing Lady Galadriel. It was such an amazing sight, she instantly pitied all that would never see it; all who were spared from this sight forever.  
  
"Legolas, you are so bright," she whispered, unable to resist the urge to say something, even though it sounded stupid to the last word.  
  
"I am but only bathed in your light," he said softly and leaned down to kiss her again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"The reduction of the universe to a single being,  
  
the expansion of a single being even to God, this is love."  
  
Victor Hugo 


	37. Interlude II

Another epilogue. Sort of a window to the past and future, a pause, to bring clarity to some issues. The support I'm receiving on this fanfic is incredible. I really feel connected to you all. After all, scratch out the names of the hero and heroine, it is a tale about love. And like I have tried to 'hint' in the story, I really do believe that love is essentially engraved in all our souls. Maybe we are even made of love. So taking a minute to read a story about it and to remember our ancient roots makes me feel connected to others who do the same thing. It is like listening to the same song in a concert - separate yet united.  
  
Some say the story is dragging now, that I should speed up, and yet others say I should go on forever. Ha ha..I'm afraid I'm incapable of neither. However, I would remind you guys that we are still on schedule. Our company is about to arrive to Rohan on their third day after the breaking. I stayed true to that.  
  
Elf Ears, I am considering your idea of starting an Irulan II and carrying some of this stuff over there. Good idea. Egyptian Queen, you are really cute, and don't worry, I don't intend to kill neither Legolas nor Irulan - until I have tortured them enough, that is. Thank you syrenwytch, Sharon, Satori, flipped, kirjava (for the hint, too), Kiya, and thank you Mae Noelle for the gorgeous mails. The rest, you know who you are. I would say my personal thanks for each and every one of you here, but that would delay us from the story, would it not? :)  
  
For those who guessed some other drama and cruelties ahead - you are right. But it is never eternal winter, is it? The seasons shift. So after the time of painful realizations comes a gentler and more uplifting time. At least for the couple - for the world is following its own fate, oblivious to them. This part was written to Roxette's Almost Unreal and Westlife's If I Let You Go, upon which I accidentally stumbled heeding the song advice of Carrie (thanks for the other song hint, too).  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
EPILOGUE II  
  
  
  
"For one human being to love another:  
  
that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks;  
  
the ultimate, the last test and proof,  
  
the work for which all other work is but preparation."  
  
  
  
Rainer Maria Rilke  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
And so it was that the very difficult and strange process of Irulan's healing began. How can you heal a soul? By touching it. How can you touch a soul? By peeling away all the layers that cover and hide it. Very few humans possess that skill, even though most elves do. Maybe because it is about empathy and patience. It is about sincerity and courage. It is about giving without taking - giving everything as if there is no tomorrow. It is about being pushed back, being shut out, being ignored and yet getting up, dusting off and continuing the approach. It is also about being unafraid about one's feelings and their expression. It is most definitely about loving. Loving someone to the point that she or he becomes everything that there is to love and everything is reflected in her. Or rather, loving everything else because she is touched by it or she has touched it. Legolas was the perfect force to unveil Irulan. He loved her beyond anything any mortal or even most elves could comprehend. He was persistent and stubborn. He was gentle and understanding. He was fearless and resilient.  
  
And he was too much of each of those things! Irulan was having the hardest time of her entire life. It was frustrating beyond anything and she felt immensely uncomfortable! Legolas was always around her, always in her perimeter. She looked up and he was looking at her. She turned around and he was waiting for her. She called for him and he was there before she said his name. He touched her and it made her flinch every time, for she could not remember ever being touched like that. He spoke her name and she could not remember anybody speaking her name like that. It was devastating, although she had no idea why. She felt constantly embarrassed and frustrated and did not know what to do with herself.  
  
To understand her annoyance, one would have to understand her past. Irulan grew up in a castle filled with people who constantly tried to change her. She had had no real friends. Eowyn had been a good friend, but Rohan was far away and they met only occasionally for short periods. Eprim was another one, but their backgrounds made it hard to develop the friendship to a large degree. Until she met Chemarit, she was always hushed, pushed, dragged away, yelled at, punished, patiently ignored. After Chemarit, it only got worse, of course, but yet, his friendship and the sudden fact that she could tell her mind and someone would listen without prejudice, had helped her ignore all that outer pressure.  
  
After Chemarit, everything went downhill for a while. The world collapsed on her and she stood utterly alone under that crash, with nobody to help her lift up the debris. Then her adventures begun and Irulan breathed once more. Only because of the nature of her adventures, she was always either alone or disguised. So once again, she had no real friends. Her adventures did not last too long either - her father stopped sending her out after too many incidents pointed to a seemingly innocent looking princess. And she was too old to go out to the city and make new friends other than Eprim and a couple of others who were her childhood friends, because everyone recognized her as Princess Irulan now and felt intimidated by her title.  
  
After she ran off and began to roam Middle Earth, it was the same story again - always drifting from place to place disguised as a man......no one knew her soul. The Darma Druids made it possible for her to join the Fellowship that eventually turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to her, for it led her to the people whom she would cherish till the end of her life. And yet (although Irulan still did not suspect the full effect of it) Legolas was right - the very same Darma Druids also had added to her loneliness and shut her off even further from the world. And certainly her years as the Black Knight off in some battle with the warriors of Gondor had not been the ideal environment for her to develop feelings, either.  
  
Eventually she came to join the Fellowship as skillful as it gets in the arts of war and combat, and yet utterly ignorant and naive in matters of the heart. Her intimate and sincere moments with this or that person were very few. She had had relationships, true, the longest and most intimate one of which had been Hasmir, but those had no real impression on her soul. The truth was, she had never really been loved. And most certainly not with a love like the one Legolas felt for her. And she had never been treated the way he treated her. And therefore, she feared Legolas more than she had feared anyone else in her life. For she knew that he was both the omen and the tool that would bring the downfall of Irulan as we know her.  
  
So Irulan ran and Legolas followed. Irulan hid and Legolas uncovered. Irulan pushed and Legolas pulled. It was difficult beyond any task for each of them, for breaking the shell of a soul is painful. The shell has a nasty habit of growing on people and becoming one with the person. In time it consumes a person and refuses to be parted ever again. And Irulan had a very, very thick shell. Not to mention that the timing was terrible as well. Because she had never really loved someone with intensity, she lacked the experience or the clarity of mind to analyze her feelings. Without doubt she knew she felt a lot for Legolas, and yet, it would take time for her to dig any deeper to see whether it was something beyond compassion, concern, awe, friendship and trust.  
  
Legolas, on the other, had it a lot easier than her. For he had accepted his feelings and his mind was not murky like hers - it was clear. He knew what he wanted and he knew what to do. He would heal her heart. Nothing else mattered. Nothing would stop him, including Irulan herself. What he did not know, though, was that in his overwhelming efforts for her, he had begun to heal himself. He felt life flowing in his veins again, of course, but his mind was so occupied by her, that he really did not indulge too much on that idea. He forgot his own existence and replaced himself with Irulan. Everything he did, he did for her; and in his sacrifice, he did not stop to see what it gave back to him - and it was something that nobody else had given before; something that no other would ever be able to give him again.  
  
Many wondered why someone like Legolas fell for Irulan in the first place. And who would know the answer to something like that? All who wondered obviously had never been touched by love so true. They saw only a three thousand years old dashing elven prince and a twenty five years old tomboy with no dashing beauty to equal his (to tell the truth, very few human women would have the looks to parallel Legolas' beauty that was no doubt a combination of both his physical and his spiritual qualities, but that is beyond the point). They saw only shells. But true love penetrates the shell and looks the spirit in the eye. And Legolas and Irulan had succeeded in finding each other in such a large and confused world and had actually looked each other in the eye. Their spirits were connected, their destinies entwined.  
  
Legolas had seen this much earlier, for he was of elven nature and he had considerably more experience. Irulan would come to realize it soon enough as well, but her battles were fiercer, for she was human and too young, and very confused. And while her battle raged, she many times regretted the day she surrendered to Legolas' wish to heal her. For after that "permission" -although she could not really remember giving him permission for anything, but Legolas seemed to think so- she slowly understood that nothing, NOTHING she would do now would shake off Legolas from her.  
  
And she tried many things, mind you. She pushed him, she evaded him, ignored him, yelled at him, insulted him, hurt him, but Legolas took it like the world takes the showers in autumn or the ice storms in winter - naturally and with unparalleled patience. She tried to put distance between them, but Legolas gracefully leapt over all her barricades and ended up embracing her. She snatched back her hand, only to be kissed on the lips. She turned her face away, only to be caught by the hand. She actually even tried to use physical force on him when everything else failed, but naturally Legolas very easily avoided her punches and kicks and she ended up being carried away where 'she could curl in his lap and calm down'!  
  
If not for the quest, Irulan would have run away a long time ago. Or at least, she would have tried, although she certainly stood no chance of disappearing from a skillful tracker like Legolas. She ended up being incredibly sour to everyone in the beginning and both Gimli and Aragorn tried very hard to avoid her stormy and edgy nature, but paid dearly for all their 'past sins' anyway. They even sometimes debated on whether they should unite with Irulan in their common goal to stop Legolas in this 'mission', but of course not only was that impossible, it was also not their true wish. So Irulan blew like a cold northern wind on them, rustling and shaking their branches and breaking some, threatening to rip off their roots. Yet love is a miraculous thing, for all three men found the strength and the vigor to survive her.  
  
And even Irulan is only human after all. Her shell cracked. Then it cracked some more, and then started to crumble. She felt naked and exposed and hastily tried to paste back the fallen pieces, but Legolas was too clever and ruthless. His merciless assault knew no break. So she crumbled some more and some more. Until one day......  
  
Yet......all this was still ahead of them. For now, Irulan was only running, and Legolas chasing - and the whole world around them was going to war. 


End file.
